[The Krusty Krab is shown and pans to the inside. Squidward is reading a magazine and hears a whale song. He looks in the kitchen and found out it was Patrick]
Patrick:[calls the whale song again]
SpongeBob:[chatters in dolphin. Patrick and SpongeBob then make the noises several more times]
Squidward: Can you two be quiet?!
[SpongeBob and Patrick struggle not to make the noises again, but end up doing so again, knocking Squidward off his feet]
Squidward: Didn't think so. What are you barnacle heads doing, anyway?
SpongeBob: Patrick and I are practicing our favorite noises. Mine is a dolphin, laughing. [chatters again]
Patrick: And my favorite is the plaintiff song of the blue whale. Ahem. [calls the whale song. Two businessmen are walking down a street and one is a whale, who hears the song]
Whale Businessman: Huh? Did you hear that?
Fish Businessman: What's wrong, Frank?
Frank:[The Whale Businessman] That song. It sounds just like... Martha!
Fish Businessman: Frank, how many times do I have to tell you? Martha's no good for you! She's just no good!
[cuts back to Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Why would you want to practice such horrible sounds?
SpongeBob: It's one of the activities in our favorite magazine. [Holds up a magazine]Simple-Ton: A ton of simple things to do!
Squidward: It must very challenging for you!
SpongeBob: Oh, it is.
Patrick: Yeah, and it made me look more smart-like. [Goes cross-eyed] What does the magazine say we should do next?
SpongeBob: Well, let's take a look. [Opens book] We've done everything in this issue. Oh, except for this one! The Best Friend Quiz! Do you really know your best friend? Oh, this should be easy. Patrick and I know everything about each other!
Squidward: Well, you two have fun with your mutual ignominious society. [Walks away from window]
SpongeBob & Patrick: Bye, Squidward!
Squidward:[Comes back to window] Morons. [Goes away again]
SpongeBob & Patrick: Bye, again!
SpongeBob: You go first, Patrick.
Patrick: Oh, no. After you, old buddy.
SpongeBob: Au contraire. After you, mon amie.
Patrick: Please. After you, pal.
SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. After you, bestest friend- [a boot is thrown at his head] -Oof!
Squidward:[off-screen] Just pick one! And there's another three where that came from!
SpongeBob: I'll go first. [puts on glasses] Question 1: What is your best friend's favorite color? Hmmm.... I'm thinking........Aquamarine!
Patrick: I hate to burst your bubble, but my favorite color is........ it is aquamarine. Sorry I doubted you.
SpongeBob: No problem. Is your best friend right, or left-handed? The answer is right-handed.
Patrick:[draws "Patrick iz awesome" on the Wall] How did you know?
SpongeBob: Simple, Patrick! It's because you're my best friend!
SpongeBob: Is your best friend's belly button have an innie or an outie?
Patrick:[gasps and grabs front desk with Squidward in it] No peeking!
SpongeBob:[Laughs] No need to peek, Patrick. I can do this with my eyes closed! [closes eyes and thinks] You haaaaaaaaaave...
Patrick: Oh! What will his answer be?
Squidward:[sarcastically] The suspense is killing me!
SpongeBob: ...an innie!
Patrick: Well, let's just check that theory! [Looks down at his belly button and sees he's an innie] Innie! [Echoes] Wow! How does he do it?
Squidward:[monotonously] Magic. [takes desk and walks away]
Patrick: My turn! But, give me some hard questions. Not like those softballs you answered.
SpongeBob: Okay! First question: What is your best friend's favorite color?
Patrick: Aw, man! Pulled out the big guns. Color. Color.
SpongeBob:[gasps to give Patrick a hint]
Patrick: No, no! No hints! [Struggles] Blue! No, clear! No! [slaps himself in the face] That's not it. Hold on, hold on. 14.
SpongeBob: The answer is...beige.
Patrick: Oh, barnacles! Oh, I was so close.
SpongeBob: Question 2: Is your best friend left-handed or right-handed?
Patrick:[paces back and forth] Oh, tricky, tricky. Hmm, right, or, left? Right-handed!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick, I'm ambidextrous! [grows another pair of arms]
Patrick: Oh, fish paste!
SpongeBob: Next question: Does your best friend have an innie, or an outie belly button?
Patrick: Belly button, huh? Hmm. An innie!
[there is a loud buzzer that comes when there is a wrong answer to a question]
SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. I have an outie. [Shows SpongeBob's outie belly button]
Patrick: Tartar sauce!
SpongeBob: Well, I'm sure you'll get the next one right! What is your best friend's favorite food?
SpongeBob:[holds up a sign that says "Krabby Patty" in one hand, and an actual Krabby Patty in the other]
Patrick: Oh! Oh! I remember! Your favorite food is a chum burger!
SpongeBob:[Frowns and puts down sign and Krabby Patty] No.
Patrick: I thought for sure I had that one.
SpongeBob: Okay, let's try an easy one. Is your best friend a boy or a girl?
[Cuts to Squidward adjusting his boat outside the kitchen, in the dining area]
Squidward: Idiots, wrecking my boat.
[SpongeBob and Patrick enter the dining area]
Squidward: So, who won your stupid quiz?
Patrick: It was a tie.
Squidward:[takes the Simple-Ton magazine] Let me see that. [Starts laughing] a triangle?! Patrick didn't know anything about you! [continues laughing] And he's supposed to be your best friend?
Patrick: I know, it's like we're not friends at all!
SpongeBob: Now, now. Patrick may not have passed the quiz, but like a true best friend, he's always here for me. Right Patrick? [turns to Patrick, but he's nowhere in sight] Patrick?
[Scene shows Patrick outside, buying ice cream from the ice cream truck]
Patrick: Ice cream!
Squidward: Looks like your best friend isn't a friend at all! [laughs]
SpongeBob:[walks outside to Patrick]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! I got you an ice cream. [holds out an ice cream cone to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob:[takes the cone] thank you best friend, Patrick.
Patrick: It's your favorite! Dill Pickle Swirl with mustard and extra bacon bits!
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is your favorite ice cream. My favorite is, plain vanilla.
Patrick: Oh, right. [takes the ice cream out of SpongeBob's hand] Well, more ice cream for me!
[SpongeBob's eyes start watering]
Patrick: Oh, can I borrow five bucks?
[SpongeBob miserably takes the money out of his pocket]
SpongeBob: Here! Take your dirty, rotten money! [throws the money onto the ground] Ahhah! I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE! [runs off, crying]
Ice Cream Man: Hey, what's with him?
Patrick: I guess he didn't want any ice cream.
[cuts to SpongeBob in his room, on his bed, sobbing. Gary comes by toward his food bowl, but sees it's holding SpongeBob's tears as they land right in the bowl]
Gary: Meow-row. [gets splashed by SpongeBob's tears as he sobs even harder. Gary slithers away crossly] Meow-row-row...
SpongeBob: It just isn't fair! [tries to calm himself down] Oh, who needs Patrick anyway? [leaves his house] Rest of my life, here I come! [walks by Patrick, who's sunning himself on his rock]
Patrick: Oh hey there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob:[to himself] Be strong, be strong, be strong, be strong! Good afternoon, Mr. Star. [Walks off]
Patrick: See you later!
[Cuts to Sandy's Treedome, where Sandy is trying to comfort a sobbing SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Oh Sandy! It was awful! Truly awful! We were like complete strangers!
Sandy: You don't need to know everything about your best friend. That's what keeps the friendship interesting!
Sandy: Maybe you and Patrick just need some time apart.
SpongeBob:[sniffles] Yeah! I'll have lots of fun without Patrick! [walks off to Sandy's door, and on his way out, he breaks down in tears again]
Sandy:[To herself] What a crybaby.
[Cuts to SpongeBob walking]
SpongeBob: I don't need Patrick! I can have a good time all by myself! [takes out jellyfishing net] I can go jellyfishing! [sobers up] Patrick and I used to go jellyfishing...I can play leapfrog! [jumps over a rock, then pulls it up on him and tries to toss it over his head, but winds up under it and tries to slide out from under it] I can blow bubbles! [blows a bubble, but it looks just like Patrick,] Uh, maybe not. [bubble pops, SpongeBob sighs.. Patrick comes by, singing nonsense]
SpongeBob: Oh, it's Patrick! I can led him see me! [Drills a hole in the sand and hides in it. Patrick skips over the hole. SpongeBob checks to make sure he's gone, then exits the hole] Well, he doesn't seem to be missing me at all. [Patrick walks off, still singing nonsense] Nice that he's gotten over our friendship so quickly! [SpongeBob then returns to the whole, and digs a tunnel that's following Patrick.. Patrick is seen entering the Gym while SpongeBob watches him from afar]
SpongeBob: Patrick works out at the gym? [Takes out binocular and watches Patrick exiting the Gym the Larry the Lobster] And he's hanging out with Larry the Lobster? Maybe I don't know much about Patrick, either.
[cuts to Larry and Patrick entering a cooking supply shop while SpongeBob spies on them]
SpongeBob:[watches Patrick from the inside of a blender] Patrick's shopping for cookery? Very suspicious. Oh! He's coming back! [Hides back in the blender. Patrick comes to the blender and presses a button, activating the blender. Patrick then leaves. SpongeBob hand comes out of the blender and turns it off. And SpongeBob, now liquefied, exits the blender.. Cuts to Larry and Patrick purchasing something from the magic shop. As the exit, one of the top hats from the top hat display follows them]
SpongeBob:[From inside the hat] Hold it right there, Patrick! [jumps out of the hat]
Larry the Lobster: Hi, SpongeBob.
Patrick: We were just coming to see you.
SpongeBob:[angrily] Oh, I'll bet you were, to tell me about your new best friend, Larry, I suppose?!
Larry: Whoa, settle down, little dude. I don't want to get in the middle of, whatever this is. [Walks off]
Patrick: While Larry is a great guy, loads of talent, and good looks.
SpongeBob: I know, he is pretty amazing...
Patrick: He's not my best friend. He was just helping me buy a present.
SpongeBob:[angrily] Who for? Sandy?
Patrick: No. For my REAL best friend, SpongeBob SquarePants. [holds out the bag he's holding]
SpongeBob: Really? [Takes the bag and opens it up] For me? What is it? [Takes out a rubber nose, mustache, and glasses disguise] Oh! I love it! You DO know me, best friend!
Patrick:[wearing the same disguise] I got a pair for me too! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Oh, you're the bestest, best friend Patrick! [puts on his disguise] How do I look?
Patrick:[Screams] How should I know, mysterious stranger?!? [runs away, screaming. SpongeBob sighs. And the episode comes to a close]