SpongeBob:[opens doors with a bunch of hearts in his arms] Happy Valentine's Day, Bikini Bottom! [throws hearts everywhere. Hands one to Squidward but he tears it up. Gives one to Mrs. Puff but her boat runs into a fire hydrant. Gives Plankton a tiny heart. SpongeBob leaps over to Sandy's place]
Sandy: Happy Valentine's Day, SpongeBob. I'm nuts for you. [gets out an acorn nut with an arrow stuck through it]
SpongeBob:[puts the acorn away and takes out a bottle of chocolate syrup] Well, I'm bubbles for you, Sandy. [blows a chocolate heart bubble]
Sandy:[Opens a door on her helmet for the chocolate heart to go into. Eats it] Mmmm, chocolate. Mighty tasty. Patrick's gonna love the one you made for him. [a chocolate balloon is shown and then SpongeBob and Sandy run over and Sandy gets into the basket] Take me through the plan again.
SpongeBob: Ok. [SpongeBob blows a chocolate carnival] Step one: [manly voice] Patrick and I get to the Valentine's Day carnival. [a chocolate SpongeBob and Patrick fly in and hop onto the carnival] Step two: I position Patrick and myself on top of the Ferris wheel. [both of them hop over to the ferris wheel where it rides up to the top. Blows a chocolate hot air balloon] Step three: You arrive at designated checkpoint for maximum visual contact. [the balloon floats over above the carnival] Step four: Patrick is thrilled. Mission accomplished. [chocolate bursts all over the screen and then we see Patrick putting a big rock on the ground and pounds the rock into the shape of a heart and picks it up] Hi Patrick.
Patrick:[imagines the heart is talking to him] Hello?
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.
Patrick: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
Patrick: Oh my gosh! Sponge...SpongeBob is stuck inside this rock! [screams] Hold on buddy, I'll get you out! [smashes the rock into a pile of dirt] SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
Patrick: SpongeBob! [cries and rubs the pile of dirt against the side of his face] SpongeBob...!
SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm right behind you! [Patrick turns around]
Patrick: There you are. [holds the pile of dirt in his hands] Happy Valentine's Day! Here's your present.
SpongeBob: And I have a present for you!
Patrick: You do?
SpongeBob: It's the greatest... [Patrick gets excited] ...the bestest... [Patrick gets more excited] ...the most fantabulous... [Patrick gets even more excited] ...present ever! [bounces and rolls all around all excited and overjoyed] But you can't have it yet. [Patrick stops rolling and bouncing around]
Patrick: Huh? Why not?
SpongeBob: Because it's not ready yet.
Patrick: Is it ready now?
SpongeBob: Not yet.
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Do you want to ruin the surprise?
Patrick: Oh, come on, please!
SpongeBob: Hmmm...nope, sorry.
Patrick:[grabs on to SpongeBob's legs and feet] You gotta tell me!
SpongeBob: No can do! [laughs] You'll just have to wait! [SpongeBob walks off with Patrick still hanging on his legs and feet]
Patrick: Please. Oh please... [still hanging on his legs we see SpongeBob walking through the middle of nowhere] ...please-please-please-please. Tell me-tell me-tell me. Please?!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, here we are
Patrick:[gasps as he sees the carnival] You got me a carnival? Mine! All mine, mine, mine, mine. [Patrick runs inside the carnival and SpongeBob runs in behind him] Mine, mine, mine! All right, everybody out! This is my carnival!
SpongeBob: It's not the carnival.
SpongeBob:[takes a quarter out of his pocket] Here, why don't you take this quarter and...
Patrick:[snatches it from SpongeBob] Oh my gosh, a quarter! I've always wanted a quarter!
SpongeBob: It's not the quarter.
SpongeBob: Now take that quarter and buy some cotton candy... [Patrick interrupts and SpongeBob's finger deflates]
Patrick: Cotton candy! I can't believe it! [Patrick chases the cotton candy seller] Cotton candy!
Cotton Candy Seller: Hey, get away! Hey!
Sandy: Sandy to SpongeBob. [SpongeBob takes out a walkie-talkie where Sandy's voice is coming from] Sandy to SpongeBob. Come in SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Ten-four Sandy, SpongeBob here. [we see Sandy closing in with the balloon on the carnival]
Sandy:[floating toward the carnival in the balloon] I got a visual on the carnival. You want me to bring her in?
SpongeBob: Ohh, not yet, Sandy. Patrick's still trying to guess what his Valentine is.
Sandy:[chuckles] You are such a kidder, Sandy out. That SpongeBob... [a group of Orange Balloon Destroyer oysters are heading toward the balloon] Scallops...chocolate-eating scallops!
Patrick: So if it's not cotton candy then what is it? I can't take it!
SpongeBob: You'll have to guess!
Patrick:[points at a tent] This tent?
Patrick:[holds up a man who is waiting in line for Heart-A-Whirl] This guy?
SpongeBob: No. [we see micro-organisms swimming around; it's Patrick's view through a microscope]
Patrick: This paramecium?
Patrick:[giggles] Heh, you're a sly one. I can't find here in the carnival...because it's on top of Mount 'Climb Up and Fall Off'. [runs up the mountain and falls off then runs back to SpongeBob] It wasn't there either!
SpongeBob: Are you sure? [runs up mountain and falls off again. SpongeBob uses his walkie-talkie to tell Sandy something] SpongeBob to Sandy, you can bring it in now. [Sandy is using a whip to keep scallops away]
Sandy: Uhh, SpongeBob, we got ourselves a little problem. I got a pack of chocolate-eating scallops trying to rustle the balloon! Hi-yah! Get away, you sweet-toothed varmints! Hi-yah! I'm going to be a little late!
SpongeBob: Late? But what about... [Patrick still jumping on and off mountain] ...Patrick?
Sandy: Hing-ya! Take him up to the Ferris wheel and I'll meet you there! Sandy out!
SpongeBob:[puts away the walkie-talkie] If Patrick doesn't get his valentine... [screams]
Patrick:[suddenly appears from behind, all bruised] I'm pretty sure it's not up there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Uhh...Patrick, actually it's on the Ferris...
Patrick: Ferris wheel! [he grabs Sponge and runs toward it; cut to them on the Ferris wheel being brought to the top] I'm ready for the greatest Valentine's present in the whole world now, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Well this is where you're gonna get it...I hope. Just keep looking out there, pal. [SpongeBob talks to Sandy again on the walkie-talkie] SpongeBob to Sandy, SpongeBob to Sandy, come in, Sandy! [Sandy is fighting the chocolate eating scallops]
Sandy: Sandy to SpongeBob, I got my ox in a ditch here! I'm way off course! The scallops are eating the balloon! They're everywhere! [One scallop bites the balloon and the air goes out and it floats down] Aw, shoot! We're going down, SpongeBob! Switch to plan B!
SpongeBob: No, no, B, Sandy! No, B! [Patrick is smiling big waiting for his surprise] Uh, Patrick, you know how sometimes you plan something special and things don't just work out?
Patrick: No...no...eh-gee! Holy mackerel! Is it hot up here or what! [rips off his shirt and moves the ferries wheel seats back and forth and then up and down. Next, the ferries wheel is jumping up and down and then SpongeBob puts out his hand/arm]
SpongeBob: Patrick, here it is! [Patrick stares at SpongeBob's hand/arm]
Patrick: What's that?
SpongeBob: It's a handshake...a friendly handshake.
Patrick: A handshake? That's the big gift? You got me a handshake?
SpongeBob: A friendly handshake. Happy Valentine's Day! [Patrick shakes his hand and stares it and makes a grumpy looking face. SpongeBob laughs and throughout their playtime in the carnival, Patrick has the same grumpy look on his face]
Patrick: I've been thinking. At first a handshake doesn't seem like much, but really it's the thought that counts… [a woman walks up with a box shaped like a heart full of chocolates in her arms]
Fran: Hey SpongeBob, I just wanted to thank you for this box of chocolates.
SpongeBob: Uh, no problem Fran. [walks off]
Patrick: And even though I was expecting more... [a man with roses walks up]
Dave: Thanks for the roses, SpongeBob. Happy Valentine's Day.
SpongeBob: You too, Dave. [walks off]
Patrick: And not that it matters that we've been friends for so long... [some woman walks by with a bike]
Female Fish: Hey SpongeBob, thanks for the bike! [talking to Patrick] Can you believe this guy? I just met him this morning! [Patrick begins to fume]
Patrick: So as I was saying...
Male Fish: Excuse me; do you guys have the time?
Patrick:[snaps and yells with rage][House of Horror music composed by W. Merrick Farran, Thomas Chase, and Steve Rucker starts playing] Patrick needs love, too! [Patrick goes psycho freaky. He bangs his stomach like a gorilla. Grunts angrily as he runs closer towards the screen. Angrily approaches the balloon cart, then cuts the balloon strings from a salesman and smashes the balloon cart with his buttocks. Cut to scene where children play with a guy in a heart suit. The children run off as Patrick approaches]I defy you, Heartman! [Patrick rips the suit in half and continues his rampage]
P.A. System: Attention everyone, there's a chubby pink starfish on the loose! [everyone runs screaming. Patrick sees a twirl-around ride that has hearts on it and goes mad over it]
Patrick: Heart on stick must die! [goes to the pole and tries to pick it up. Gives up eventually in tiredness. Patrick sees a little girl eating a heart-shaped lollipop] Heart on stick must die! [grabs it, breaks it, and stuffs it in his mouth. Girl screams as Patrick takes the lollipop.]
Patrick:[Turns around with an evil look on his face. Angrily grumbles jibberish, making everyone scared and run to a dead-end at the Goo Lagoon dock. Patrick roars with rage] Huaaagh!
[everyone gets scared]
Patrick: Give me SpongeBob! [SpongeBob is thrown in front of the group of citizens]
Patrick: You broke my heart! Now I'm gonna break something of yours!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, I know I deserve this. [notes the crowd] But, do they?
Patrick: They didn't get me anything either! [They throw a pile of gifts at Patrick's feet] Nope, it's too late for that now... for all of you! [walks onto and over the gifts, about to kill everyone, starting with SpongeBob. the citizens take a step back and SpongeBob is scared]
Sandy: Yee-haw! Get along little shellfish! Gallop you scallops! [whipping the scallops as she lands in the carnival with the balloon]
SpongeBob: Yeah! Sandy's here! Woo-hoo! Look Patrick, it's here! It's here! The best valentine in the whole wide world is right behind you! [jumping up and down pointing behind Patrick]
Patrick: Sure it is.
SpongeBob: I'm telling you, it's right there, turn around!
SpongeBob: Patrick, just turn around! [But he wouldn't listen. everyone is yelling at Patrick to turn around but he doesn't]
Crowd: Turn around! You nincompoop! Why you?
Patrick: You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh?
Crowd: Yes! Turn around!
Crowd: Turn - a-round! Turn - a-round!
Patrick: Nuh-uh. I'm gonna say this once and I'm not going to say it again, so pay attention. I am not, I repeat, not going to turn around for any reason...ever!
Sandy: Howdy, Patrick!
Patrick:[turns around] Hi Sandy! [notices the chocolate balloon then is confused and speaks gibberish]
SpongeBob: Happy Valentine's Day, Patrick! [Patrick jumps for joy and jumps on the balloon]
Patrick: Yay! My valentine! Hey, is this solid chocolate?
SpongeBob: Patrick, no! [Patrick bites the balloon and chocolate explodes everywhere. SpongeBob and Patrick are in the mess]
Patrick: Aw SpongeBob, you didn't have to get me anything.