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Unreal Estate
Season №: 10
Episode №: 206a
Airdate: June 3, 2017
Previous: "Mermaid Pants"
Next: "Code Yellow"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Unreal Estate" from season ten, which aired on June 3, 2017.

  • [The episode begins with SpongeBob preparing to clean the barnacles off of his house.]
  • SpongeBob: [humming] Sorry about this, barnacles, but it's spring cleaning time. [puts on protective goggles]
  • Barnacle: I forgive you.
  • [SpongeBob turns on the polishing machine and rubs it against the barnacles.]
  • Barnacle: I take it back! [screams as he is being scraped off]
  • [Inside Squidward's house, Squidward is adding the finishing touches to his latest paintings.]
  • Squidward: There, my masterpiece. [Barnacle dust hits Squidward's house window. Squidward is stunned and accidentally splats paint on his painting.] What the—ah!
  • [SpongeBob attempts to hose off the barnacles, however, the garden hose goes out of control. Back in Squidward's house, Squidward tries to clean the splatter off his painting.]
  • Squidward: Ah, perfect. [The hose water goes through the window and knocks over Squidward and the painting] No! [grunts as he closes the window] What is that menace up to now? [He walks over to another window and gets sprayed by the hose water. He angrily opens the front door.] How many— [He gets sprayed by the hose water again.]
  • SpongeBob: Whoa! Whoa!
  • Squidward: Will you please turn that thing— [gets smacked by the hose and ends up with it stuck in his mouth]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, hey, Squidward.
  • [Squidward tries to talk but is muffled by the increasing amount of water building up by the hose. He expands.]
  • SpongeBob: What are you saying?
  • [He tries to talk but still cannot. He soon expands so much that water shoots out of his body like a sprinkler. Children come and play around him.]
  • Kids: Yay!
  • SpongeBob: I can't hear you over the hose noise. Hold on, I'll turn it off. [turns off the hose and Squidward shrinks down to his normal size]
  • Kids: Aww. [leaves]
  • [Squidward removes the hose from his mouth.]
  • SpongeBob: What'd you want to tell me, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Turn off the hose.
  • SpongeBob: I already did. Here, I'll turn it back on just for you.
  • Squidward: No, no, no, wait— [gets sprayed by the hose water again]
  • SpongeBob: Yep, it was off. How'd I do?
  • Squidward: Horrible! Everything you do is horrible! I wish you would just move away already.
  • SpongeBob: Move away? But Squidward, I like it— [starts to sneeze, then sneezes out a bubble. Squidward floats away briefly in a bubble.] Did you see that? Huh, I wonder what's making me sneeze.
  • Squidward: [bubble pops] Ahh! [hits ground] Probably all the barnacle dust you kicked up.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, that makes no sense. Who ever heard of dust making you sneeze?
  • Squidward: Oh, fine, maybe you're allergic to your pineapple.
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] You can't be allergic to a house. [gets a sensation of going to sneeze] Or could you—no. [laughs and walks back to his house]
  • Squidward: [chuckles] Oh, why do I even bother trying to explain things to him? Of course you can be allergic to a house. I ju—[suddenly gets an idea. Evil grins.] wait. You can be allergic to a house. [chuckles as he sneaks back to his own house]
  • [At night, in SpongeBob's house, SpongeBob and Gary are sleeping. Squidward enters through SpongeBob's bedroom door. He laughs at the pepper container he is holding. He shakes pepper onto SpongeBob's property. He accidentally trips over Gary's bowl, getting pepper into his eyes. He attempts to hold his sneeze, but soon has to sneeze. Gary wakes up and hisses at Squidward.]
  • Squidward: Gary, no, no, no, no! [Gary fights with Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: [Looks at them] Aw, playtime, that's nice.
  • Squidward: Not the face! [gets punched by Gary's eye stalk]
  • [At 6am in the morning, SpongeBob's alarm clock goes off, spitting out pepper. SpongeBob sneezes and flies to the wall.]
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Good morn— [sneezes] good mor— [sneezes] good— [sneezes and gets stuck in a birdcage] Good morning, Gary.
  • [SpongeBob walks to the kitchen to make himself some fried eggs to eat for breakfast. SpongeBob sneezes and accidentally drops the eggs all over him. SpongeBob then sneezes as he cooks the eggs, accidentally getting the fried eggs into his eyes, then screams. SpongeBob is then in the shower. He sneezes and then disappears. SpongeBob tries to shave, but accidentally sneezes. He is heard to have accidentally shaved his skin instead.]
  • SpongeBob: Ow!
  • Squidward: You okay in there, SpongeBob? [chuckles as SpongeBob walks out with his face full of bandages]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, morning— [attempts to cover his sneeze] Morning, Squidwa— [sneezes]
  • Squidward: Oh my, having a little sneezing fit are we?
  • SpongeBob: [his face is puffy] Yeah, I think you were right. I must be allergic to my house. [part of his skin rips]
  • Squidward: Oh, that's too bad. I guess you'll have to move.
  • SpongeBob: Move?
  • Squidward: Yes. You can't stay here or your allergy will just get worse. [moves SpongeBob's head to another side] Hey, look at that.
  • SpongeBob: Look at what?
  • [Squidward blows pepper onto SpongeBob. SpongeBob sneezes]
  • Squidward: See? Your allergy is already getting worse.
  • SpongeBob: But—but where will I go?
  • Squidward: Don't worry, SpongeBob. I'll help you find a great new home... far away from here.
  • SpongeBob: But, Squidward, I love this old pineapple. We've had a lot of good times together.
  • [SpongeBob imagines SpongeBob and SpongeBob's house sliding down a slide.]
  • SpongeBob: Whee!
  • [SpongeBob's house slides down the slide laughing. Then SpongeBob and his house are in a photo booth with silly photos being taken. Then, SpongeBob and his house pillow-fight.]
  • SpongeBob: [Still laughing outside his dream, but then sneezes three times as Squidward sprinkles pepper on his head.] Oh, Squidward, my sneezing is getting worse. I'll miss my pineapple, but I guess you're right. I ha— [sneezes] I have to move.
  • Squidward: Now you're talking. Trust me, you'll feel so much better when you're clear of me— [suddenly is aware of what he just said] ...your pineapple.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you're a good friend.
  • Squidward: I know. [kisses his pepper shaker, then throws it off-screen]
  • The scene changes to SpongeBob and Squidward walking down the streets of Bikini Bottom.]
  • Squidward: This would make a great new house, what do you think?
  • SpongeBob: Hmm...
  • Painty: ♪Ohh... Who lives in a banana under the sea?♪
  • Children: SpongeBob SquarePants! [Hans puts in a banana peel on the banana house footstep]
  • Dream SpongeBob: [slips on a banana] Whoa! [hits the floor]
  • SpongeBob: I don't know.
  • Squidward: How about this spicy number?
  • Painty: ♪Ohh... Who lives in a hot pepper under the sea?♪
  • Children: SpongeBob SquarePants!
  • Dream SpongeBob: [Screams while on fire. Hans goes to extinguish the fire]
  • SpongeBob: Hot listing, but no.
  • Squidward: Well, there's a yummy one.
  • SpongeBob: Mmm.
  • Painty: ♪Ohh... Who lives in a chicken parmesan hero under the sea?♪
  • Children: SpongeBob SquarePants! [Hans pokes fat SpongeBob's belly.]
  • Dream SpongeBob: He he! [eats part of his chicken parmesan hero]
  • SpongeBob: Nope.
  • [The scene changes to the inside of a coffin house]
  • Squidward: How 'bout this one?
  • SpongeBob: Not bad, but let's think outside the box. [they walk out of the coffin house]
  • Squidward: Okay, so that's a no. I think I know what you're looking for.
  • [The scene changes to the inside of a house designed as some drawers. Squidward is on one of the drawers]
  • Squidward: How about this for space?
  • SpongeBob: Hey, what's this lever do? [Uses lever to push drawer forward. It hits Squidward on the head.]
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Automatic balconies! [drawer hurts Squidward again] Squidward, watch this!
  • Squidward: Wait, wait, no, no, no! [hit by drawer again]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, this is great. What does this button do? [Presses button. Squidward is crushed by the drawer he is on. SpongeBob plays with the lever and laughs. Squidward is hit by the drawer, and then the drawer flies across the screen.] That's what it does.
  • [The scene changes to the inside of a fish tank.]
  • SpongeBob: Aww, why couldn't I live in that last place?
  • Squidward: Oh, that house was too dangerous for you. [feels his head hurt] Ow. Besides, it was just a house. But this is a castle with a moat and everything.
  • [Pans out into a live-action restaurant.]
  • SpongeBob: It's a long way from Bikini Bottom.
  • Squidward: I know.
  • SpongeBob: Huh?
  • Squidward: I mean, don't worry about it. It's a short 11-hour commute to the Krusty Krab from here.
  • SpongeBob: Well, I don't know, Squidward. It doesn't seem like the safest neighborhood.
  • [A human waiter is walking with cooked snapper on a plate. The scene changes back at Bikini Bottom]
  • Squidward: All right, SpongeBob, this is the last house on my list, but I think it's got everything you're looking for. What do you think?
  • SpongeBob: [sees what looks like a junky house] I don't know. It doesn't look like much.
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward admire the interior of the house. Inside are some fancy lighting, fancy chairs, abstract art, spiraling stairs, and sofas with different single colors.]
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: Wow.
  • SpongeBob: Pretty!
  • [A robot chair makes Squidward sit on it.]
  • Squidward: This place is amazing. [robot massages Squidward's head] It's like living in the future.
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, check out these cool stairs. [slides down the staircase holders] Whee!
  • Squidward: Uh, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Whee! [SpongeBob hits Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward? [Squidward slams into SpongeBob, and they both fly off onto the floor] This place is awesome!
  • Squidward: [stretches his back] Yeah, it is, isn't it?
  • SpongeBob: I can't believe I get to live here. It's so much cooler than your house.
  • Squidward: You're right. This place is way too cool for you.
  • SpongeBob: Wait, what?
  • Squidward: I mean, living in a place like this can put a lot of pressure on a guy. The constant attention you get, and all the fabulous parties you'd host. [imagines himself in a party full of rich people, playing the clarinet perfectly]
  • Squidward: Eh?
  • Fish #1: Oh, it's quite good. [people cheer]
  • Fish #2: Certainly worthy of this house.
  • Fish #3: Indeed. [SpongeBob is imagined to be scared.]
  • Squidward: Not to mention all the covers of "Cool Calamari" you'd have to pose for. [briefly shows Squidward on a Cool Calamari magazine] No, I can't let you go through that, SpongeBob. So I tell you what, I'll live here for you.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, but where will I live?
  • Squidward: You can have my old house.
  • SpongeBob: Really? That is so nice of you. That way, I'll be one house closer to Patrick.
  • Squidward: Great, it's a done deal. So if you don't mind, I have a lot of settling in to do. [pushes SpongeBob out of the door with the top of the broom] Bye-bye.
  • SpongeBob: Okay, so I guess I'll see you la— [Squidward slams door]
  • [The scene changes to night-time.]
  • Squidward: [sighs] Now this is how I was always meant to live. [drinks tea, winks, then stretches arms] Bedtime. [claps twice, then the robot chair sends Squidward to his bed] Oh, a built in alarm clock. Hoo, this place has got it all. [Squidward presses the rocket launch button by accident, instead of the alarm button. Launch timer starts.]
  • [Later at night]
  • Squidward: [sirens wake him up] Huh? Wha—what's happening?
  • Timer: 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5...
  • Squidward: Oh, no. It's not an alarm clock. It's a countdown!
  • Timer: 4, 3, 2, 1...
  • [The rocket house flies above the water into outer space. Squidward screams as he is being sucked into his bedsheets.]
  • Squidward: Huh? What—What the—uh. That was horrible. [The rocket shoots down super fast back to earth and into Bikini Bottom.] But this is even worse! [screams]
  • SpongeBob: [painting Squidward's house to a pineapple pattern] Doink! Now this really feels like home.
  • [Squidward's rocket house suddenly crashes in between Squidward's old house and SpongeBob's old house. Squidward comes out of the rocket house and then falls down, moaning]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you dropped in for a visit.
  • Squidward: I am not visiting. This is my house and I want it back. [shows that Squidward's house is now patterned like SpongeBob's old house and also having pineapple "hair."]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, but you gave it to me fair and square... pants. [pulls his pants up higher] Besides, if I move out now, I have no where to go.
  • Squidward: Okay, fine, I'll just take your old pineapple. Huh? [suddenly notices Patrick eating SpongeBob's old house]
  • Patrick: Sorry, Squidward, but this is my house now. [eats a chunk of SpongeBob's old house]
  • Squidward: Well, then, where am I supposed to live?
  • [The scene changes to Squidward living in Patrick's rock at night.]
  • SpongeBob: Night, Squidward.
  • Squidward: [grumbles and sneezes as he gets squished by the rock] Ow.

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