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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Trenchbillies" from season seven, which aired on January 29, 2011.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are watching jellyfish]
  • Patrick: [whispering] You see him?
  • SpongeBob: Nope. [looks through binoculars] Oh, wait, now I do.
  • Patrick: [whispering] What's he doing?
  • SpongeBob: Um, just kinda sitting there.
  • Patrick: How about now?
  • SpongeBob: Still just like kinda sitting there, same thing.
  • Patrick: How long have we been watching?
  • SpongeBob: What time is it now?
  • Patrick: 2:30.
  • SpongeBob: [counts fingers] 4 days.
  • [Jellyfish run away]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, it's moving!
  • Patrick: Ready to go for it?
  • SpongeBob: Like Mr. Krabs says, it's now or never!
  • Patrick: When does he say that?
  • SpongeBob: Usually on his way to the Men's room. Bunsai!!!
  • Patrick: Hey, that's usually what I say!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick begin chasing the jellyfish]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, he's taking evasive action.
  • Patrick: We better fake him.
  • SpongeBob: I'll fake left, you go right!
  • Patrick: Roger that! [runs left]
  • SpongeBob: Other right, Patrick!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [in slow motion] [jumping to catch the jellyfish] [the two collide in mid-air]
  • SpongeBob: Ow, I think I ruptured a spleen...
  • Patrick: I think I shattered my abacus.
  • SpongeBob: Your what?
  • Patrick: My abacus. [Takes out his abacus] Nope. Seems okay...
  • [The jellyfish fly by]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! There it goes! [The two begin chasing it again]
  • SpongeBob: Don't stop now, Patrick, we're gaining on him! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and they fall off a cliff]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [screams]
  • [Cuts to a small village inside a trench]
  • Cletus: [heading into outhouse] Well, it's now or never. [SpongeBob and Patrick fall onto the outhouse as Cletus walks into it]
  • SpongeBob: Ehhh.
  • Trenchbilly: You boys are mighty colorful, a smidget too colorful, if ya' ask me.
  • Cletus: [climbs out of hole] And too darn heavy, if ya' ask me.
  • SpongeBob: Well, actually Patrick has been trying to shed a few-[The trenchbillies capture them with a rope and they scream]
  • Cletus: Tell it to Ma Angler...[The trenchbillies carry them on a pole to Ma Angler's house]
  • Trenchbillies: [all talking] [cuts to Ma Angler's house]
  • Ma Angler: Now tell me there, what was it ya'lls was doin' down yonder at the outhouse in the first place?
  • Cletus: I dun told ya', Ma, thar I was doin' my duty, just like any other Sunday...[flashback]
  • Cletus: [heading into outhouse) Well, it's now or never... [flashback stops] When not so much as a warning shout, these here varmints dun dropped, right out of the wild, black yonder, smack-dab onto my noggin! Darn there givin' me a crik in the neck it has to.
  • SpongeBob: We're really sorry about interrupting your-
  • Jordan Klein: Y'all hush up!
  • Ma Angler: Now Cletus, is this another one of your tall tales, you tend to tell?
  • Cletus: I-I-I swears I ain't fibbin', Ma!
  • Ma Angler: Cletus.
  • Cletus: Just ask Uncle Belcher. He'll tell you the whole story.
  • Uncle Belcher: [belches]
  • Cletus: See.
  • Ma Angler: Well, I must admit one thing, they is awfully perty... Nevertheless, as leader of this here clan, which I is, I must subject these two pretty folks, to clan initiation rights to deem their worthy.
  • SpongeBob: Umm...
  • Patrick: Worthy of what?
  • SpongeBob: ...specifically.
  • Ma Angler: Of livin'... [SpongeBob and Patrick gulp] Theether! Go on and get your fiddle.
  • SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! He's gonna play us a little song. [Teether plays a short tune]
  • SpongeBob: Short song.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, I think this is meant to be a-a musical challenge.
  • SpongeBob: Challenge? [The trenchbillie plays another short tune]] Patrick, we don't even have an instrument to play. [He plays yet another song, a bit longer this time.]
  • Patrick: Yeah, and soon we won't have anything to play it with...
  • SpongeBob: Huh! Patrick! Hang on... [SpongeBob whispers to a trenchbilly] [The trenchbillie takes off his suspenders and gives them to SpongeBob]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, don't leave me!
  • SpongeBob: Wouldn't dream of it, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Alright! [The trenchbillie continues to play his fiddle] [Patrick begins playing a tune, using SpongeBob's body. Patrick and the trenchbilly play back and forth very fast] [The trenchbilly eventually explodes and Patrick wins. Stars fall from the sky]
  • SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, even though you won, it looks like he was the real star. Hahaha. [Patrick smiles]
  • Ma Angler: Betsy!
  • Betsy: Yes'um?
  • Ma Angler: It's time for a hootin' and hollarin' contest.
  • Betsy: [clears throat] [begins yodeling]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, it's a singing competition. What are we gonna do?
  • Patrick: I don't know, but I am a sure thirsty after that fiddlin'. [drinks soda]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, give me some of that! [begins drinking the soda] [Both SpongeBob and Patrick let out a very long and loud belch.]
  • Trenchbillies: Yee-haww!!
  • SpongeBob: Looks like we're on a roll, eh, Patrick?
  • [Cuts to outside, where a wrestling match is taking place.]
  • Ma Angler: I just love me some wrastlin' and tusslin'! [One of the wrestlers in thrown through Ma Angler's roof] [SpongeBob and Patrick clap and SpongeBob whistles]
  • Patrick: Let me see more.
  • SpongeBob: My compliments to the chef.
  • Cletus: [pokes SpongeBob with a pitchfork] Your turn.
  • SpongeBob: Hah! Well, actually, my friend and I, we don't like to wrestle.
  • Ma Angler: Huh? You don't like to wrastle?
  • SpongeBob: No, we're not the wrestling sort.
  • Ma Angler: Well, then, what in tarnation do you pretty folks like to do for fun?
  • SpongeBob: Well, uh-uh, we like to go jellyfishing!
  • Ma Angler: Jellyfishin'. What kinda tomfoolery is jellyfishin'?
  • SpongeBob: Well, it goes something like this: [SpongeBob and Patrick pull out their nets and start running around and dancing]
  • Cletus: What-the?
  • Ma Angler: That's disgustin'.
  • SpongeBob: Now, Patrick! [they both jump into the air and collide in slow motion once again] Well, something like that anyway...
  • Patrick: Nice knowing you, buddy...
  • Ma Angler: Well, I haven't seen anybody cut up like that 'round these parts since we was potty-trained Junior. [laughs] He was near about 13! [The trenchbillies all laugh]
  • Cletus: Them boys is dumber than my box a' rotten teeth! [Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking through a crowd of trenchbillies, with confetti.]
  • Cletus: Go get em' tiger!
  • Jordan Klein: [crying] They grow up so fast.
  • Ma Angler: As leader of this here clan, I heareby debut: Sponge-Joe-Bob and Deral, honorary trenchbillies. [hands them novelty teeth] [SpongeBob and Patrick both put in the teeth]
  • Cletus: Speech! Speech!
  • SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I were to say one thing, and I think I'm speaking for Patrick and myself here, is that y'all are a bunch a' real kind folks and it's been a real hoot gettin' to know y'all! [SpongeBob and Patrick walk away waving] Farewall, friendly trenchbillies. See ya' 'round.
  • Patrick: Toodles.
  • Cletus: [stops them with a pitchfork] And where do you folk think you're goin'?
  • SpongeBob: Over to home.
  • Cletus: Well, you're one of our kin' now, so this is your home, and as such, you've been givin' the great honor of takin' care a' Ma, for the rest of your natural-born lives.
  • Patrick: Takin' care a' Ma?
  • SpongeBob: For the rest of our natural-born lives?!
  • Cletus: You know, carry her purse, give her cat massages, read her the Willy Shakespeare ‘til she falls asleep at night. Ah, Ma just loves iambic pentameter!
  • SpongeBob: Well, that all sounds like a lot of fun, but I-I have responsibilities back home at Bikini Bottom. I have a pet snail to feed and can't be late for work at the Krusty Krab!
  • Patrick: Yeah, and, iambic pentameter gives me a headache! [starts crying]
  • Cletus: [swings pitchfork] You folks ain't goin' nowhere.
  • SpongeBob: Oh please, Mr. Trenchbillie, where can we-
  • Patrick: Oh, hey, your shoe's untied.
  • Cletus: What? But I ain't even wearin'-[SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly gone] Darn it.
  • [Cuts to Krusty Krab]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, what was I supposed to tell them, Squidward?
  • Squidward: You could have told him that he could have his money back.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, no I couldn't.
  • Squidward: Why?
  • Mr. Krabs: Because, I already put it in the register!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick burst through the door]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! We just escaped from an angry mob of deep sea bunkins!
  • Patrick: It was horrible! They were gonna make us stay forever and massage their grandma.
  • Mr. Krabs: So. Why ya' telling me?
  • SpongeBob: Because they followed us here. [The trenchbillies show up at the door]
  • [SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs all scream] [The trenchbillies storm in and begin destroying the Krusty Krab's possessions]
  • Cletus: Come on out! We know you're in thar!
  • Mr. Krabs: [nervous] Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?
  • Cletus: Umm, sure. I'll have me a large Krabby Patty with uhh...a cola, no, no! Lemon-lime! [Shows the trenchbillies all eating.])
  • Mr. Krabs: Keep them coming, SpongeBob! This is the most business in a long time!
  • SpongeBob: Aye', captain! I'm gonna get some more buns.
  • Ma Angler: More! More! More! More! [A trenchbilly shoves Krabby Patties into her mouth using a shovel]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah, that's what I like to see. She's gonna make customer of the week.
  • Cletus: [pokes Mr. Krabs with his pitchfork] We catch anyone makin' goo-goo eyes like that at our Ma, it can only mean one thing: He's gonna get hitched!
  • Mr. Krabs: [gulps] [shows Mr. Krabs and Ma Angler in a car riding away] Noooooo!!!!
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, and others wave hands. The heart animation appears when the episode ends.