This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Trenchbillies" from season seven, which aired on January 29, 2011.
(SpongeBob and Patrick are watching jellyfish)
Patrick: (whispering) You see him?
SpongeBob: Nope, (see through binoculars) Oh wait, now I do.
Patrick: (whispering) What's he doing?
SpongeBob: Um, just kinda sitting there.
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Still just like kinda sitting there, same thing.
Patrick: How long have we been watching?
SpongeBob: What time is it now?
SpongeBob: (counts fingers) 4 days.
(Jellyfish runs away)
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's moving!
Patrick: Ready to go for it?
SpongeBob: Like Mr. Krabs says, it's now or never!
Patrick: When does he say that?
SpongeBob: Usually on his way to the Men's room. Bunsai!!!
Patrick: Hey, that's usually what I say!
(SpongeBob and Patrick begin chasing the jellyfish)
SpongeBob: Patrick, he's taking evasive action.
Patrick: We better fake him.
SpongeBob: I'll fake left, you go right!
Patrick: Roger that! (runs left)
SpongeBob: Other right, Patrick!
SpongeBob and Patrick: (in slow motion) (jumping to catch the jellyfish) - (the two collide in mid-air)
SpongeBob: Ow, I think I ruptured a spleen...
Patrick: I think I shattered my abacus.
SpongeBob: Your what?
Patrick: My abacus. (takes out his abacus) Nope. Seems okay...
(The jellyfish flies by)
SpongeBob: Patrick! There it goes! (The two begin chasing it again)
SpongeBob: Don't stop now Patrick, we're gaining on him!
(SpongeBob and Patrick laugh and they fall off a cliff)
SpongeBob and Patrick: [screams]
(Cuts to a small village inside a trench)
Cletus: (heading into outhouse) Well, it's now or never. (SpongeBob and Patrick fall onto the outhouse as Cletus walks into it)
Trenchbillie: You boys are mighty colorful, a smidget too colorful, if ya' ask me.
Cletus: (climbs out of hole) And too darn heavy, if ya' ask me.
SpongeBob: Well, actually Patrick has been trying to shed a few-(The trenchbillies capture them with a rope and they scream)
Cletus: Tell it to Ma Angler...(The trenchbillies carry them on a pole to Ma Angler's house)
Trenchbillies: (all talking)(Cuts to Ma Angler's house)
Ma Angler: Now tell me there, what was it ya'lls was doin' down yonder at the outhouse in the first place.
Cletus: I dun told ya' Ma, thar I was doin' my duty, just like any other Sunday...(flashback)
Cletus: (heading into outhouse) Well, it's now or never. (flashback stops) When not so much as a warning shout, these here varmints dun dropped, right out of the wild, black yonder, smack-dab onto my noggin! Darn there givin' me a crik in the neck it has to.
SpongeBob: We're really sorry about interrupting your-
Jordan Klein: Y'all hush up!
Ma Angler: Now Cletus, is this another one of your tall tales, you tend to tell?
Cletus: I-I-I swears I ain't fibbin' Ma!
Ma Angler: Cletus.
Cletus: Just ask Uncle Belcher. He'll tell you the whole story.
Uncle Belcher: (belches)
Ma Angler: Well, I must admit one thing, they is awfully perty...Nevertheless, as leader of this here clan, which I is, I must subject these two pretty folks, to clan initiation rights to deem their worthy.
Patrick: Worthy of what?
Ma Angler: of livin'...(SpongeBob and Patrick gulp) Theether! Go on and get your fiddle.
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! He's gonna play us a little song. (He plays a short tune)
SpongeBob: Short song.
Patrick: SpongeBob, I think this is meant to be a-a musical challenge.
SpongeBob: Challenge? (The trenchbillie plays another short tune) Patrick, we don't even have an instrument to play. (He plays yet another song, a bit longer this time)
Patrick: Yeah, and soon we won't have anything to play it with...
SpongeBob: Huh! Patrick! Hang on... (SpongeBob whispers to a trenchbillie)(The trenchbillie takes off his suspenders and gives them to SpongeBob)
Patrick: SpongeBob, don't leave me!
SpongeBob: Wouldn't dream of it, Patrick.
Patrick: Alright! (The trenchbillie continues to play his fiddle) (Patrick begins playing a tune, using SpongeBob's body, Patrick and the Trenchbillie play back and forth, very fast)(The trenchbillie eventually explodes and Patrick wins, stars fall from the sky)
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick even though you won, it looks like he was the real star. hahaha (Patrick smiles)
Ma Angler: Betsy!
Ma Angler: It's time for a hootin' and hollarin' contest.
Betsy: (clears throat) (begins yodeling)
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's a singing competition, what are we gonna do?
Patrick: I don't know. But I am a sure thirsty after that fiddlin'. (drinks soda)
SpongeBob: Hey, give me some of that! (begins drinking the soda) (Both SpongeBob and Patrick burp VERY loudly and long)
SpongeBob: Looks like we're on a roll, eh, Patrick? (Cuts to outside, where a wrestling match is taking place)
Ma Angler: I just love me some wrastlin' and tusslin'! (One of the wrestlers in thrown through Ma Angler's roof)(SpongeBob and Patrick clap and SpongeBob whistles)
Patrick: Let me see more.
SpongeBob: My compliments to the chef.
Cletus: (pokes SpongeBob with a pitchfork) Your turn.
SpongeBob: Hah! Well, actually, my friend and I, we don't like to wrestle.
Ma Angler: Huh? You don't like to wrastle?
SpongeBob: No, we're not the wrestling sort.
Ma Angler: Well then, what in tarnation do you pretty-folks like to do for fun?
SpongeBob: Well, uh-uh we like to go jellyfishing!
Ma Angler: Jellyfishin'. What kinda tomfoolery is jellyfishin'?
SpongeBob: Well, it goes something like this: (SpongeBob and Patrick pull out their nets and start running around and dancing)
Ma Angler: That's disgustin'
SpongeBob: Now, Patrick! (they both jump into the air and collide in slow motion once again) Well, something like that anyway...
Patrick: Nice knowing you buddy...
Ma Angler: Well, I haven't seen anybody cut up like that 'round these parts, since we was potty-trained Junior. (laughs) He was near about 13! (The trenchbillies all laugh)
Cletus: Them boys is dumber than my box a' rotten teeth! (Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking through a crowd of trenchbillies, with confetti)
Cletus: Go get em' tiger!
Jordan Klein: (crying) They grow up so fast.
Ma Angler: As leader of this here clan, I heareby debut: Sponge-Joe-Bob and Deral, honorary trenchbillies. (hands them novelty teeth) (SpongeBob and Patrick both put in the teeth)
Cletus: Speech! Speech!
SpongeBob: Well, I guess if I were to say one thing, and I think I'm speaking for Patrick and myself here, is that y'all are a bunch a' real kind folks and it's been a real hoot gettin' to know y'all! (SpongeBob and Patrick walk away waving) Farewall, friendly trenchbillies. See ya' 'round.
Cletus: (stops them with a pitchfork) And where do you folk think you're goin'?
SpongeBob: Over to home.
Cletus: Well, you're one of our kin now, so this is your home, and as such, you've been givin' the great honor of takin' care a' Ma, for the rest of your natural-born lives.
Patrick: Takin' care a' Ma?
SpongeBob: For the rest of our natural-born lives?!
Cletus: You know, carry her purse, give her cat massages, read her the Willy Shakespeare till' she falls asleep at night. Ah, Ma just loves iambic pentameter!
SpongeBob: Well, that all sounds like a lot of fun, but I-I have responsibilities back home at Bikini Bottom. I have a pet snail to feed, and can't be late for work at the Krusty Krab!
Patrick: Yeah and, iambic pentameter gives me a headache! (starts crying)
Cletus: (swings pitchfork) You folks ain't goin' nowhere.
SpongeBob: Oh please, Mr. Trenchbillie, where can we-
Patrick: Oh hey, your shoe's untied.
Cletus: What? But I ain't even wearin'-(SpongeBob and Patrick are suddenly gone) Darn it.
(Cuts to Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Well, what was I supposed to tell them, Squidward?
Squidward: You could have told him that he could have his money back.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no I couldn't.
Mr. Krabs: Because, I already put it in the register!
(SpongeBob and Patrick burst through the door)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! We just escaped from an angry mob of deep sea bunkins!
Patrick: It was horrible! They were gonna make us stay forever and massage their grandma.
Mr. Krabs: So. Why ya' telling me?
SpongeBob: Because they followed us here. (The trenchbillies show up at the door)
(SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs all scream) (The trenchbillies storm in and begin destroying the Krusty Krab's possessions)
Cletus: Come on out! We know you're in thar!
Mr. Krabs: (nervous) Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?
Cletus: Umm, sure. I'll have me a large Krabby Patty with uhh... a cola, no, no! Lemon-lime! (Shows the trenchbillies all eating)
Mr. Krabs: Keep them coming, SpongeBob! This is the most business in a long time!
SpongeBob: Ay, Ay, Captain! I'm gonna get some more buns.
Ma Angler: More! More! More! More! (a trenchbillie shoves Krabby Patties into her mouth using a shovel)
Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah, that's what I like to see. She's gonna make customer of the week.
Cletus: (pokes Mr. Krabs with his pitchfork) We catch anyone makin' goo-goo eyes like that at our Ma, it can only mean one thing: He's gonna get hitched!
Mr. Krabs: (gulps) (Shows Mr. Krabs and Ma Angler in a car riding away) Noooooo!!!!
- (SpongeBob, Patrick and others waving hands, the heart animation appears when the episode ends)