Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants" from season 6, which aired on July 17, 2009.

  • [Setting starts with clouds]
  • French Narrator: Ah. Another quiet day in Bikini Bottom. But it wasn't always this way. Once, it was horrible. [Stock footage of natural disasters is shown. Lightning strikes. Arecaceae trees are blowing in the wind. A bridge wobbles. People try to get a pig across in a flood. Cut to SpongeBob's house in rain] The unimaginable happened. One day, SpongeBob SquarePants... changed his pants! [stock footage of a lady screaming in terror is shown] I remember it as if it were yesterday. But, in fact, it happened three days ago. [calendar rewinds to three days ago. SpongeBob carries a load of his pants and puts them in the washing machine. Then walks up to Gary]
  • SpongeBob: It's laundry day, Gary! [takes off Gary's shell, revealing his buttocks] Oops. [puts Gary's shell back on then takes it off again, revealing underwear]
  • Gary: [angrily crawls off] Meow.
  • SpongeBob: [puts the shell in the washer, closes the lid, and turns it on] Now to finish the day's chores. [vacuums, washes dishes, and dusts the TV. The phone rings] Hello?
  • Patrick: Hello. Uh, may I speak with SpongeBob, uh, uh... [looks at his hand and reads what's on it] ...Squaaa...re...Paaaaants?
  • SpongeBob: Mm, speaking.
  • Patrick: Hey, hey. You want to hear how long I can do this for? [monotone spluttering]
  • SpongeBob: Actually, Patrick, I'm kind of busy. Can it wait?
  • Patrick: [still going] No. [continues. SpongeBob sighs]
  • French Narrator: Much later... [We hear Patrick making all the sound effects over phone and SpongeBob being bored. Gary slithers away]
  • SpongeBob: Gary, go check on the laundry in the dryer.
  • Gary: Meow, meow. [puts his shell back on and starts the dryer, which has all the square pants in it. Gary goes through the pet door]
  • French Narrator: Much much later... [SpongeBob's just sitting there on his chair and Patrick is done making all the sound effects]
  • Patrick: A pretty long time. Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick. [goes into the laundry room] Gary? [opens the dryer and gasps. All his pants are tiny] They've shrunk! [puts a pair of pants on each leg, but they're too small] I'm gonna need to get new pants.
  • [Bubble transition to the Bikini Bottom Mall]
  • Clerk: I'm sorry, Mr. SpongeBob, but we're not expecting another shipment of square pants for months.
  • SpongeBob: Oh. [tries on some different pairs of pants] No. Nope. Ew, not these. Uh-uh. [notices a round pair of pants. Tries them on and they are a tight fit] Whoa, these pants hug my body better than my own mother!
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob going out for a walk. He walks past Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick! Notice anything different? Pose. Pose. Pose. Pose.
  • Patrick: Do I know you?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] It's me, SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob? [looks at the drawing on his hand that says 'SquarePants'] No, you're not! SpongeBob has square pants. Now, leave me alone, you mysterious stranger.
  • [Bubble transition]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick is so full of tartar sauce. I'm still me. It's just a pair of pants. It's not like my friends won't recognize me.
  • Sandy: Well, howdy, stranger! I don't recognize you in those newfangled dungarees. [wolf whistles] You must be SpongeBob FancyPants. Clothes really do make the man!
  • SpongeBob: Sandy didn't recognize me either. These pants are more powerful than I thought. Course it was just Sandy, and Neptune knows what goes on inside a squirrel's head. [a real squirrel is shown looking left to right] Eww. But I know my best buddy Squidward will recognize me. We have been through so much together.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob walking up to Squidward's house, humming a tune]
  • Squidward: Oh, no. It's that little yellow freak.
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
  • Squidward: Just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! Guess who?
  • Squidward: Do I know you?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, sure you do. It's me, SpongeBob... SquarePants.
  • Squidward: Never seen you before in my life.
  • SpongeBob: Well, maybe these pictures of us together will jog your memory. [picture of Squidward running away from SpongeBob is shown] Me and you at my birthday party. [picture of Squidward sleeping at work] You and me at work. [picture of Squidward sleeping in his bed] That little slumber party we had last week. [picture of Squidward showering with the curtain closed] I forgot when this was taken.
  • Squidward: Is that supposed to be you? [SpongeBob sighs and walks away] I can't believe it. He actually left. [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward didn't know me either. It's like we'd never met. Maybe Patrick is right. [can't get in his door] Oh no, it's locked. [knocks on door] Gary! Hey, Gary! Can you open the door?! I left my keys in my other pants. [Patrick opens the door]
  • Patrick: Hello. Can I help you?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: Oh, right. You're that round pants fellow.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing in my house?
  • Patrick: Your house? This house belongs to SpongeBob SquarePants. At least it did before he left us. [blows nose] I wish I could see him one last time. [closes the door]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles! I guess I'm not 'SpongeBob SquarePants' anymore. I'll have to start all over again.
  • [Bubble transition to the Krusty Krab, where SpongeBob is talking to Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, sir. I'd like an application, please. My name is SpongeBob Sq... [coughs and grunts] Sorry, I'm a little... [coughs more] I'm a little... [grunts] Sorry, I'm a little nervous. My name is SpongeBob... RoundPants. And I would like to seek employment from this eating establishment. [Squidward punches himself] Oh, dear! Are you okay, Mr. Cashier? Ooh! [picks up a stack of papers] Here are the applications.
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob filling out these applications.]
  • SpongeBob: Let's see here. "Name." [writes] SpongeBob RoundPants. Well, this is going well. [to Squidward] Hey, Mr. Cashier, looks like we're gonna be coworkers! [Squidward groans] Question two. "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" Hmm, what's a felony?
  • Squidward: Being too darn happy all the time!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Lots and lots of felonies.
  • Squidward: Heh. Moron.
  • Mr. Krabs: What's going on here?!
  • SpongeBob: I'm filling out an application.
  • Mr. Krabs: Get to work.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Then I got the job?!
  • Mr. Krabs: [annoyed] Oh boy.
  • [Bubble transition]
  • SpongeBob: My first day on the job. I am so excited. Woo-hoo!
  • Squidward: Whatever.
  • SpongeBob: [panting] You've worked here a long time. Why don't you show this rookie the ropes?
  • Squidward: Oh, I'd love to.
  • SpongeBob: Yayyy! [grabs Squidward]
  • Squidward: What...no! Don't... [gets dragged into the kitchen]
  • SpongeBob: So what do I do first? [pen and notepad in hand]
  • Squidward: [groans] Fine. Take a Krabby Patty and put it on the grill. [does so]
  • SpongeBob: Shouldn't you watch it?
  • Squidward: Why? I don't think it's going anywhere.
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, very zen. [Krabby Patty burns] What next, oh, oracle of Krabby wisdom?
  • Squidward: I'm going to the bathroom.
  • SpongeBob: Hmm, I'll go, too. [walks into the stall next to Squidward] How's it going in there, boss?
  • Squidward: Um... fine.
  • SpongeBob: [writes] Going fine. [Squidward starts snoring] Oh, Mr. Squidward... [under Squidward's stall. Squidward screams] Whatcha reading? [Squidward walks out of the bathroom and SpongeBob follows, writing stuff down] Bathroom break. Check.
  • [Bubble transition]
  • Squidward: Here's the slop you ordered. [tosses tray of food down on customer's table] Enjoy. If you can choke it down. [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: [writes] Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh.
  • [Bubble transition to Squidward throwing a bag of trash at the dumpster out back. He breaks the bag open. SpongeBob does the same. Squidward pats SpongeBob on the head. Bubble transition]
  • Customer: Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?
  • Squidward: No.
  • Customer: How about a Double Krabby?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Customer: Can I get a Triple Patty with cheese?
  • SpongeBob: [nudging Squidward] Oh I think you've had way too many of those. [both laugh like Squidward as the customer walks off angry. Cut to another trash bag broken being thrown at the dumpster. SpongeBob tosses a tray on a customers table, spilling the drinks on the floor]
  • Squidward: Taught him everything he knows. [more bags of trash being broken and customers getting burnt food or food thrown at them. SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring the bathroom while customers are waiting to use the stalls. Customers are clamoring in line while SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring at the cash register as Mr. Krabs enters]
  • Mr. Krabs: [angry] What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about?
  • SpongeBob: I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, so?
  • SpongeBob: I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants.
  • Mr. Krabs: Who told you that?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick. [cuts to Patrick about to eat but puts his Krabby Patty down as he realizes his error.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, why don't you just take them off?
  • [Bubble transition to SpongeBob bringing out a Krabby Patty in his underwear.]
  • SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward!
  • Sandy: Well well, if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants! [chuckles. SpongeBob notices he's in his underwear and screams as the episode ends.]
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