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SpongeBob SquarePants

To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants (transcript)

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Transcript Information
To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants
General
Season №: 6
Episode №: 116b
Airdate: July 17, 2009
Chronology
Previous: "Squid's Visit"
Next: "Shuffleboarding"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "To SquarePants or Not to SquarePants" from season six, which aired on July 17, 2009.

  • (setting starts with clouds)
  • Narrator: Ah. Another quiet day in Bikini Bottom. But it wasn't always this way. Once, it was horrible. (lightning strikes. A bridge wobbles as people try to get a pig across. Cut to SpongeBob's house) The unimaginable happened. One day, SpongeBob SquarePants... changed his pants! (a woman screams) I remember it as if it were yesterday. But, in fact, in happened three days ago. (calendar rewinds to three days ago. SpongeBob carries a load of his pants and puts them in the washing machine. Then walks up to Gary)
  • SpongeBob: It's laundry day, Gary! (takes off Gary's shell, revealing his butt) Oops. (puts Gary's shell back on then takes it off again, revealing underwear)
  • Gary: (crawls off) Meow.
  • SpongeBob: (puts the shell in the washer, closes the lid, and turns it on) Now to finish the day's chores. (vacuums, washes dishes, and dusts the TV. The phone rings) Hello?
  • Patrick: Hello. Uh, may I speak with SpongeBob, uh, uh... (looks at his hand and reads what's on it) ...Squaaa...re...Paaaaants?
  • SpongeBob: Mm, speaking.
  • Patrick: Hey, hey. You want to hear how long I can do this for? (monotone spluttering)
  • SpongeBob: Actually, Patrick, I'm kind of busy. Can it wait?
  • Patrick: (still going) No. (continues. SpongeBob sighs)
  • Narrator: Much later... (We hear Patrick making all the sound effects over phone and SpongeBob being bored. Gary slithers away)
  • SpongeBob: Gary, go check on the laundry in the dryer.
  • Gary: Meow, meow. (puts his shell back on and starts the dryer, which has all the square pants in it. Gary goes through the pet door)
  • Narrator: Much much later... (SpongeBob's just sitting there on his chair and Patrick is done making all the sound effects)
  • Patrick: A pretty long time. Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick. (goes into the laundry room) Gary? (opens the dryer and gasps. All his pants are tiny) They've shrunk! (puts a pair of pants on each leg) I'm gonna need to get new pants. (cut to Mall)
  • Clerk: I'm sorry, Mr. SpongeBob, but we're not expecting another shipment of square pants for months.
  • SpongeBob: Oh. (tries on some different pairs of pants) No. Nope. Ew, not these. Uh-uh. (notices a round pair of pants. Tries them on and they are a tight fit) Whoa, these pants fit my body better than my own mother! (goes out for a walk and walks past Patrick) Hey, Patrick! Notice anything different? Pose. Pose. Pose. Pose.
  • Patrick: Do I know you?
  • SpongeBob: (laughs) It's me, SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob? (looks at the drawing on his hand that says ' SquarePants') No, you're not! SpongeBob has square pants. Now, leave me alone, you mysterious stranger.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick is so full of tartar sauce. I'm still me. It's just a pair of pants. It's not like my friends won't recognize me.
  • Sandy: Well, howdy, stranger! I don't recognize you in those newfangled dungarees. (wolf whistles) You must be SpongeBob FancyPants. Clothes really do make the man!
  • SpongeBob: Sandy didn't recognize me either. These pants are more powerful than I thought. Course it was just Sandy, and Neptune knows what goes on inside a squirrel's head. (a real squirrel is shown looking left to right) But I know my best buddy Squidward will recognize me. We have been through so much together. (cut to SpongeBob walking up to Squidward's house, humming a tune)
  • Squidward: Oh, no. It's that little yellow dumbass.
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
  • Squidward: Just ignore him. Maybe he'll go away.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward! Guess who?
  • Squidward: Do I know you?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, sure you do. It's me, SpongeBob... SquarePants.
  • Squidward: Never seen you before in my life.
  • SpongeBob: Well, maybe these pictures of us together will job your memory. (picture of Squidward running away from SpongeBob is shown) Me and you at my birthday party. (picture of Squidward sleeping at work) Me and you at work. (picture of Squidward sleeping in his bed) That little slumber party we had last week. (picture of Squidward showering with the curtain closed) I forgot when this was taken.
  • Squidward: Is that supposed to be you? (SpongeBob sighs and walks away) I can't believe. He actually left. (laughs)
  • SpongeBob: Squidward didn't know me either. It's like we'd never met. Maybe Patrick is right. (can't get in his door) Oh no, it's locked. (knocks on door) Gary! Hey, Gary! Can you open the door?! I left my keys in the other pants. (Patrick opens door)
  • Patrick: Hello. Can I help you?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: Oh, right. You're that round pants fellow.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, what are you doing in my house?
  • Patrick: Your house? This house belongs to SpongeBob SquarePants. At least it did before he left us. (blows nose) I wish I could see him one last time. (closes door)
  • SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles! I guess I'm not 'SpongeBob SquarePants' anymore. I'll have to start all over again. (cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob is talking to Squidward) Hello, sir. I'd like an application, please. My name is SpongeBob Sq... (coughs and grunts) Sorry, I'm a little... (coughs more) I'm a little... (grunts) I'm a little nervous. My name is SpongeBob... Roundpants. And I would like to seek employment at this eating establishment. (Squidward punches himself) Oh, dear! Are you ok, Mr. Cashier? Ooh! (picks up a stack of papers) Here are the applications. (cut to SpongeBob filling them out) Let's see here. "Name." (writes) SpongeBob RoundPants. Well, this is going well. (to Squidward) Hey, Mr. Cashier, looks like we're gonna be coworkers! (Squidward groans) Question two. "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?" Hmm, what's a felony?
  • Squidward: Being too darn happy all the time!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah! Lots and lots of felonies.
  • Squidward: (chuckles) Moron.
  • Mr. Krabs: What's going on here?!
  • SpongeBob: I'm filling out an application.
  • Mr. Krabs: Get to work.
  • SpongeBob: (gasps) Then I got the job?!
  • Mr. Krabs: (annoyed) Oh boy. (cut to later)
  • SpongeBob: My first day on the job. I am so excited. Woo-hoo!
  • Squidward: Whatever.
  • SpongeBob: (panting) You've worked here a long time. Why don't you show this rookie the ropes?
  • Squidward: Oh, I'd love to.
  • SpongeBob: Yay! (grabs Squidward)
  • Squidward: But...no! Don't... (gets dragged into the kitchen)
  • SpongeBob: So what do I do first? (pen and notepad in hand)
  • Squidward: (groans) Fine. Take a Krabby Patty and put it on the grill. (does so)
  • SpongeBob: Shouldn't you watch it?
  • Squidward: Why? I don't think it's going anywhere.
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, very Zen. (Krabby Patty burns) What next, oh, oracle of Krabby wisdom?
  • Squidward: I'm going to the bathroom.
  • SpongeBob: Hmm, I'll go, too. (walks into the stall next to Squidward) How's it going in there, boss?
  • Squidward: Um... fine.
  • SpongeBob: (writes) Going fine. (Squidward starts snoring) Oh, Mr. Squidward... (under Squidward's stall. Squidward screams) Whatcha reading? (Squidward walks out of the bathroom and SpongeBob follows, writing stuff down) Bathroom break. Check. (cut to later)
  • Squidward: Here's the slop you ordered. (tosses tray of food down on customer's table) Enjoy. If you can choke it down.
  • SpongeBob: (writes) Be rude to customers and insult food. Nasally laugh. (cut to later where Squidward throws a bag of trash at the dumpster out back and breaks the bag open. SpongeBob does same. Squidward pats SpongeBob on the head. Cut to later)
  • Customer: Can I get a Krabby Patty Combo?
  • Squidward: No.
  • Customer: How about a Double Krabby?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Customer: Can I get a Triple Patty with soda?
  • SpongeBob: (nudging Squidward) Oh I think you've had way too many of those. (both laugh as customer walks off angry. Cut to another trash bag broken being thrown at the dumpster. SpongeBob tosses a tray on a customers table, spilling the drinks on the floor)
  • Squidward: Taught him everything he knows. (more bags of trash being broken and customers getting burnt food or food thrown at them. SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring the bathroom while customers are waiting to use the stalls. Customers are clamoring in line while SpongeBob and Squidward are snoring at the cash register)
  • Mr. Krabs: What are you two doing?! Get to work! I'm used to Squidward sleeping on the job, but I expect more from you, Mr. SquarePants.
  • SpongeBob: I am not SpongeBob SquarePants, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: What in the name of Davy Jones are you talking about?
  • SpongeBob: I mean, do these pants look square to you? They're round.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, so?
  • SpongeBob: I can't be SpongeBob SquarePants with round pants.
  • Mr. Krabs: Who told you that?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick. (puts his Krabby Patty down)
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, why don't you just take them off? (cut to SpongeBob bringing out a Krabby Patty in his underwear)
  • SpongeBob: Order up, Squidward.
  • Sandy: Well if it isn't SpongeBob UnderPants. (chuckles. SpongeBob notices he's in his underwear and screams)

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