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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "To Save a Squirrel" from season five, which aired on November 23, 2007.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick are screaming]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Sandy! Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!
  • Sandy: What the? [SpongeBob and Patrick get inside Sandy's air suit. Sandy takes them out and SpongeBob and Patrick are in a muttering worry] Whoa there! Calm down! Now, tell me what happened.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob and I are being chased by a savage beast!
  • SpongeBob: And he's gonna eat us!
  • Sandy: Oh, no he ain't!
  • [The little cricket in an air helmet shows up]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [both scream] There it is!
  • Sandy: [laughs] This little guy? Why, he's just a harmless little cricket, he's a land creature just like me! The poor thing must have gotten lost. But he's not going to hurt ya. See? [SpongeBob and Patrick faint when Sandy shows them the "savage beast"]
  • Sandy: Aahh, let's get you back home you little fella! [blows a bubble to the cricket] There you go! See, that wasn't nothing to be afraid of, huh guys?
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]
  • Sandy: [sighs] I don't have time for this, I'm late for my survival training camp.
  • SpongeBob: Survival training camp?! Patrick and I love camping!
  • Patrick: Can we come?!
  • Sandy: This is ain't no ordinary camping trip, I go out into the wild, armed only with my bare hands, my quick wits, this harpoon, and 65 pounds of dynamite [shows the dynamite]. Out in the wild, it's eat or be eaten. You have to be willing to do anything when you're alone in the wild. You two wouldn't last a single day!
  • SpongeBob: Hey!
  • Patrick: Would so!
  • SpongeBob: We'll have you know that just the other day, Squidward commented at our survival skills! [edit] The Other Day
  • Squidward: You two are harder to get rid of than cockroaches!
  • SpongeBob: Thank you, Squidward!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick walk away]
  • Squidward: [starts pinning on SpongeBob and Patrick voodoo dolls] Why aren't these things working?! [edit] Out of the Daydream
  • Sandy: No way, guys! This is a serious trip for hard-core survivalists only!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: But, Sandy...!
  • Sandy: No!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Ohhh...[Sandy drives away on her jeep, but SpongeBob and Patrick are already on it. They laugh]
  • SpongeBob: Sshhh!! We'll show Sandy we're tough as she is! [SpongeBob and Patrick have a rough shaking] I guess the road smoothed out. [The mountain Sandy is driving on is upside down, and SpongeBob and Patrick are screaming, fall from the truck, but drop in] That was a close one Patrick! We were almost left in the wilderness... without Sandy! And nobody would have known where to find us!
  • Patrick: Weird. There's a door back here too?
  • SpongeBob: No, Patrick! No! [SpongeBob and Patrick scream and fall out of the truck with Food Box, water bottle, and tent after Patrick opens the door] Sandy, wait! Sandy! Sandy! Well, at least we have food, shelter, and water. I'll pitch the tent while you start a campfire. Then when we're all settled, I'll cook us up some grub. [scene cuts to later] Okay Patrick, we're all set! We have fresh water, a rugged tent for shelter...
  • Patrick: And a nice fire to keep us warm.
  • SpongeBob: Say, where did you get the firewood? [SpongeBob looks at the food box] You burned our food supply?! Oh-no! Quick! Quick! Cover it over something! [screams while Patrick puts the tent over the fire] Hey Patrick, nice job. [The fire burns the tent and SpongeBob screams. SpongeBob puts the water over the water bottle and their supplies are wasted]
  • SpongeBob: Whew! Uh-oh, well, we burned our food, ruined our tent, and lost all our water. Patrick, we are going to need to use our razor-sharp quick wits if we're going to make it out of here alive!
  • Patrick: Gotcha.
  • SpongeBob: Okay. Here's the plan...
  • Patrick: Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. You made the last decision. It's my turn.
  • SpongeBob: Sure Patrick, what do you think we should do?
  • Patrick: Um...maybe,...uh...
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob, I didn't rush you when it was your turn!
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, sorry, take your time. [months pass, many nights have gone, winter comes, and they become old]
  • Patrick: Uhhh... [rain and thunderbolts come] Oh shoot! I forgot what I was going to say!
  • SpongeBob: No hurry Patrick.
  • Patrick: Do you wanna go play hide and go-seek?
  • SpongeBob: Sure. Let's go play in that cave over there.
  • [They go to the cave]
  • SpongeBob: I like it here. It's rooooooomy, and best of all, we have this cave all to ourselves.
  • Strange Voice: Ahh, hoo-heeheeheeheeheehee.
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Nice. We'll only stay here tonight, and head home tomorrow.
  • Old Cave Fish: Home? This is your new home. You'll be here forever just like me! [laughs. Patrick joins his laughing. ]
  • Patrick: Aahh, good times.
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean we'll be here forever? How long have you been here?
  • Fish: 40 years I've been here. There's ain't no way out of this valley. You're stuck in here' with me for the rest of your lives!
  • SpongeBob: We'll be here forever? We're doomed!
  • Patrick: Are you kidding? That old coot's been here for years! Look at him: he's in great shape! Look at his muscular arms, his rock-hard abs, and a great complexion, why, he's glowing with health.
  • SpongeBob: You're right Patrick, but what will we eat, where will we sleep?
  • Patrick: I don't know about you, but I've got all the comforts of home right here. [goes inside his rock home]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick's right. If I'm stuck here, I should make the best of it. I'll build myself a new home. [builds sand home that looks like his Pineapple Home only made out of sand and has some texture and details, but it is connected to the ground] There, just like my pineapple in Bikini Bottom...only, smaller, [grunts because he sits on the top of the sharp leaves of the sand pineapple home] comfy, safe and sound in my own little home.
  • Cave Fish: Safe? You're never safe out in the wild! If I were you, I'd keep an eye on that big fella.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick? [waves at SpongeBob] Do'h! Patrick is my best friend! He wouldn't hurt me.
  • Cave Fish: He's a big boy! Just wait 'til when he gets hungry! Out here, it's eat or be eaten! [Patrick licks and then chews on his arm]
  • SpongeBob: [screams] He's got the taste of flesh!
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. [his stomach growls]
  • SpongeBob: Sounds like you're hungry.
  • Patrick: Oh, boy, am I! I'm ssoooooo hungry, I could eat anything! I could eat an entire sponge...
  • SpongeBob: [screams and runs away]
  • Patrick: ...cake. I was just going to share my golden sponge cake with him. It has delicious cream filling too! [eats the cake]
  • SpongeBob: It's all true! Patrick is going to eat me! What should I do?
  • Cave Fish: You've got to protect yourself! What you need is a fort!
  • SpongeBob: This mud replica of the Krusty Krab should protect me from that fiend Patrick! [screams] He's onto me! Must hide! [hides in the sand replica of the Krusty Krab]. Ha,ha, I'm safe, Patrick can't get me in here, [laughs], I don't need to go outside, I have everything I need right here! [makes tools out of sand] Spatula. [makes a sand patty] Now I just need some buns. [makes sand buns, takes a bite] Oh, crunchy. [spits the patty out] I can't take it! [blows up the sand replica of the Krusty Krab] I need some real food!
  • Cave Fish: Remember, kid, it's eat or be eaten.
  • SpongeBob: Yyyess! Yyeess! I shall eat Patrick before he eats meee! [SpongeBob fries Patrick's arm on a pan while Patrick is sleeping. Patrick smells the tasty aroma of his hand frying in smoke by SpongeBob's frying pan]
  • Patrick: Something smells good. What are you cooking, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: I'm gonna cook you up and eat ya!
  • Patrick: [screams] Why do you want to eat me?
  • SpongeBob: I know what you're doing, you're playing dumb, but it won't work, because I'm going to eat you before you eat me!
  • Patrick: Well, not if I eat you first!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, no you don't! [hurries to get Patrick] Where'd he go? Come on out, Patrick. You can't hide forever! What's this? [realizes he's in a warm boiling pot of water] Warm water?
  • Patrick: You seemed kinda tense, so I drew you a hot bath.
  • SpongeBob: Ah, thanks, Patrick! I did get a trifle unhinged, didn't I?
  • Patrick: Oops, I forgot the bathbeads! [takes out a carrot and knife, then cuts up the carrot, which is placed into the water]
  • SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick! You're a real pal! [picks up a piece of the carrot] Funny looking bathbeads. They almost look like carrots. Carrots?! You're making soup out of me! [quickly hops out of the pot of water]
  • Patrick: I was not! It was supposed to be stew! [runs, then becomes tired] Whew! I'm getting tired.
  • SpongeBob: Why don't you take a nap on this nice, soft bed? [it's a white wheat bread] There, that's it. Here, I'll tuck you in with this nice soft blanket [it's another white wheat bread with a toothpick and olive], and what's a little blanket without a little ketchup?
  • Patrick: This isn't a bed!
  • SpongeBob: Wait! Come back! You're not properly seasoned! [Patrick grabs the ketchup bottle and sprays ketchup all over SpongeBob. He then screams and runs away from Patrick. SpongeBob grabs back the ketchup bottle]
  • Patrick: Give me that ketchup back!
  • SpongeBob: No!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick fight over the ketchup bottle, and cover each other with ketchup]
  • SpongeBob: Gotcha! [tries to bite Patrick]
  • Patrick: No, got you! [tries to bite SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: I got you! [tries to bite Patrick. The Cave Fish claps his hands]
  • Cave Fish: Congratulations! You did it!
  • SpongeBob: Did what?
  • Patrick: What?
  • Cave Fish: Why, earned your survivalist medals, a'course! Only a hardcore survivalist would break down and nearly eat his best pal!
  • Patrick: Why do you care if we're survivalists?
  • Cave Fish: [laughs] Cause I'm not just some old hermit.
  • Sandy: I'm [rips her costume out] Sandy Cheeks! Survivalist extraordinaire!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Sandy?
  • Sandy: It weren't no accident that you fell out of my truck, I was just testing your survival skills.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: You planned this?
  • Sandy: Yup. And I'm happy to say you both passed! Here's your survivalist medals! [gives them their medals. SpongeBob and Patrick cheer]
  • SpongeBob: Wow! It's great that we've won our medals, but I'm still hungry. [picks up his ketchup bottle]
  • Patrick: Me too. [SpongeBob and Patrick plan to eat Sandy with ketchup]
  • Sandy: Guys? What'cha doing? Aah, fellas?
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Eat or be eaten!
  • Sandy: Uh-oh! Next time, I'll bring more granola! [runs away from the cave]