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To Love a Patty
Season №: 5
Episode №: 87a
Airdate: July 26, 2007
Previous: "Bucket Sweet Bucket"
Next: "Breath of Fresh Squidward"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "To Love a Patty" from season five, which aired on July 26, 2007.

  • SpongeBob: ♪Someday, I'm going to make you sweetie. Not overtly, but sur-rep-titious-ly.♪ Drum solo! [uses spatula as drum sticks] ♪Dooga, dooga, dooga, dooga, dooga—doo. Doo, doo, doo, Doo. Doo!♪ Hey, looks like you guys and gals are done. [flips all the patties into the air then uses one of his special helmet gadgets to squirt ketchup and mustard on the patties. When the patties fall, they land on a bun that SpongeBob is holding. He then deals out the lettuce, cheese, and tomatoes as if they were cards to the six patties] In all my years of fry cookery, I have never seen a group of patties. Especially— you. [points to a patty with lettuce for hair, tomatoes for eyes, a pickle for a nose, ketchup for rosy cheeks and mustard for a smile] Such perfection from your little lettuce hair to your rosy ketchup cheeks right down to your mustard smile. May I call you— Patty?
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, I need that order of six.
  • SpongeBob: Here you go, Squidward. One, two, three and four, and uh— five and six. [only gives Squidward five patties] That's it. That's the whole order, Squidward. There isn't a Krabby Patty behind my back or anything. [laughs]
  • Squidward: Uh— yeah.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Patty, a patty like you comes around once in a lifetime. I can't let them eat you. No, the job must come first. I can't let emotions cloud my commitment to the sacred fry cook oath: "That which is fried, must be eaten."
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, where is that other— oh, there it is. [takes the patty to the table. SpongeBob looks out the kitchen door to see three muscular guys sitting at the table, in which two of them are eating patties while the other one doesn't have one]
  • Muscular Guy #1: [being impatient for the patty] Where's my Krabby Patty?
  • Squidward: Right here, muscleboy.
  • Muscular Guy #1: It's about time. [before he takes a bite, the patty sheds a tear]
  • SpongeBob: [screams and grabs the patty] I won't let you do this to Patty.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, hand over the Krabby—
  • SpongeBob: [sitting under the grill] Oh, Patty, I can't let them eat you. Your beauty must be preserved. [opens up the patty] Amazing.
  • Squidward: [snickering] What are you going to do with it, take it home? Put a little dress on her? Go out for a romantic walk with it? [continues snickering]
  • SpongeBob: Great idea. [runs off]
  • Squidward: [sighs] I wonder if it's too late to get a refund from my therapist.
  • SpongeBob: [gives a Krabby Patty to Muscular Guy #1] Enjoy, sir.
  • Muscular Guy #1: Can I eat this one? [lifts the top bun up off to reveal a shoe in the Patty] Hey, how'd they know? I loved grilled shoe. [cut to SpongeBob's house where Patty is cooking on the grill]
  • SpongeBob: What's cooking there, Patty? Oh, are you kidding? I love crepes. Oh, Patty, when we're together, I feel like we're in our own little world like, like— nothing can hurt us. [small explosion] Fire! [alarm bell rings. SpongeBob pants] Fire! Fire!
  • Gary: [by a fire extinguisher] Meow. [puts out the fire. SpongeBob stops panting]
  • SpongeBob: It's okay, Patty, the fire's gone. You're safe now. [doorbell rings] Oh, I better, uh— get the doorbell. [opens the door]
  • Patrick: [lifts SpongeBob up] SpongeBob, how about another game of— [ties SpongeBob in a knot] tie your best buddy in knots. [lies down] My turn.
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Patrick. [unties himself] I already made plans to go for a walk through Jellyfish Fields with Patty. As soon as the little lady dries her hair, we're heading out.
  • Sandy: Hi-yah! [karate chops door open] Hey, SpongeBob, you didn't forget about our plan to go a-choppin', did you?
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, Sandy. No time for karate today. After our walk, I'm going for a rowboat ride with Patty. Just waiting for her to put on her makeup. You know how long it takes a Krabby Patty to get ready.
  • Sandy: Well, that makes as much sense as a snake with no slither. Patties are put in the water for eating, SpongeBob. Not for bebopping all over Timbuktu.
  • SpongeBob: [sighs] Patty. Yeah, well, you two have fun with that. [walks away] Patty and I have to be on our way.
  • Patrick: I've been replaced by a sandwich! [sobs] Maybe I could meet a lovely sandwich of my own. Yeah, that'll show SpongeBob. [walks away. cut to SpongeBob dancing with his patty and singing]
  • SpongeBob: ♪Oh, baby. They may call me a fool. But I can't help our gravitational pull. When I stuff you with cotton candy, it reminds me you're so sweet. When we go riding, it's dandy. The way you hang onto that seat. Ba-ay-ay-by.♪ [they feed the scallops some bread] ♪When I'm with you, Our love is stronger than glue. Oh, baby! There isn't anything. There's nothing in the world, I wouldn't do for you—♪ [SpongeBob sees Patty gone and is being surrounded by scallops] Hey, let go of her, you Patty-eaters! No! Get away! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! [he is using karate to break the scallops] Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Yah! Yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hiiiiyah! Patty, you okay, sweetums? ♪I'm so— sorry! I'll never let you out of my sight again. And I'll always keep you out of harm's way—♪ [SpongeBob is rowing a boat] ♪Oh, baby. Our love is so strong. That's why I'm singing this song. Ba-ay-ay-by. Your looks are sweeter than honey. From your pickles to your buns. It ain't even funny—!♪ [they fall off of a waterfall and into the river. Races for the patty] I'm coming for you! [he lifts her sunhat in which floats in the water and all her ingredients are spilled everywhere] Oh, no! Look at you! Don't worry, Patty! I'll take care of this! [he puts her back together. but the patty is soggy] There you go! ♪All better— Oh, baby!♪ [cut to SpongeBob and Patty on a picnic] Oh, Patty. Do you realize what this signifies? Mm-hmm. That's right. It's our six-hour anniversary. And do you know what that means? Are you all right, Patty? You don't seem so hot. Don't worry, I know what'll make you feel better. A dinner at the finest restaurant in Bikini Bottom. [cut to The Krusty Krab at night]
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward! Where the barnacles is our fry cook? He's been gone all day. That boy's never been a work shirker. We got a crowd of hungry customers waiting.
  • Squidward: How should I know? Do I look like my idiot's keeper?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well— actually— [doors open to SpongeBob in a tux]
  • SpongeBob: Good day, sir.
  • Squidward: As if on cue.
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's with the fancy getup?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, I just got gussied up for my special dinner date.
  • Mr. Krabs: A dinner date? Well, blow me down, boy. I didn't know you had it in you. so when do we get to meet the little lady? [quietly] By the way, is she rich?
  • SpongeBob: She's rich in taste.
  • Squidward: How could you possibly date anyone? I mean, look at you. She must be blind. [limousine arrives]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ooh, a limousine.
  • SpongeBob: There she is.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can smell the money already.
  • SpongeBob: [carrying in Patty] Here we are, darling. The best eatery in town. [walks by a couple eating and they sniff the odor in the air]
  • Martha Smith: Harold, again?
  • Harold Smith: Martha, I know what you're thinking. It's not me this time.
  • Martha Smith: Well, whatever it is, it's disgusting.
  • Harold Smith: Let's get out of here. [they walk away]
  • Martha Smith: Yuck.
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward— allow me to introduce my date— Patty.
  • Mr. Krabs: Your date's a Krabby Patty? Me thinks the boy's really lost it.
  • Squidward: [sniffs the odor in the air] What's that putrid odor?
  • Mr. Krabs: [sniffs] Oh, it's that Krabby Patty. [the patty is messy as foghorn blows] What are you doing with that rotten piece of meat, boy?
  • SpongeBob: This isn't a piece of meat, Mr. Krabs. She's Patty. [quietly] And we're on a special date tonight so you don't mind if we get the "manager's treatment," do you?
  • Mr. Krabs: Sorry, boy. no can do.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, really? Mr. Fiver says different. [shows a $5 bill]
  • Mr. Krabs: What was that? I couldn't hear you.
  • SpongeBob: [gets out more money] How about now?
  • Mr. Krabs: All right, take a seat. [takes the money]
  • SpongeBob: Grrrrrazie! [gets out a tiny throne seat for Patty] Here you go, my dear. A throne befitting a queen. [Squidward shows up. Speaks with a French accent] Oh, good evening, monsieur. What might we have on the menu at this fine establishment?
  • Squidward: Well, you should know considering the fact you work here, sod for brains. Speaking of sods— why don't you get rid of this garbage? It's starting to stink up the joint.
  • SpongeBob: Don't say such a thing, Squidward. Patty's just a little sick is all. Wight, Wubbie-Lubbie.
  • Squidward: I'll show you sick. [grabs the patty]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you doing with my beautiful patty?
  • Squidward: Beautiful, huh? How beautiful do you think this is? [patty has maggots in it and is gross]
  • SpongeBob: [takes patty from Squidward] Stop it, Squidward. Maybe you can't see Patty's beauty. But to me, she's the most gorgeous creature in the sea.
  • Squidward: Well, I definitely see I can't the mentally atrophied. Good-bye, Creature.
  • SpongeBob: Pay you no mind to that, wubbie-wubbie. I will always love you— [sniffs] Yeah, what is that smell? [gasps] Patty? [the patty looks the same way it was before when SpongeBob showed Mr. Krabs and Squidward. Screams as he drops the Krabby Patty on the table] What happened to you?
  • Mr. Krabs: I think I can explain, boy. There was a time when I was in love too. She was a Krabby Patty that looked a lot like yours does. [rotten tomatoes fall out of the patty] Well, maybe not right now, but you know what I mean. She was a firm, juicy, a warm patty. And attractive- oh, she looked good enough to eat. So— I did. do you hear what I'm saying to you, boy?
  • SpongeBob: Um, not quite, Mr. Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: Krabby Patties are meant to be loved and eaten. That's what they're put in the ocean for. And it looks like yours is way past due.
  • SpongeBob: I see now. I see what I must do. [jumps up on the table] Oh, Patty, my darling. Before I do this, I want you to know that I only do it out of love. [the sickness rumbles. Eats it]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well done, boy. As a reward for your valiant effort, I'll only charge you 25¢ for the patty. Employee discount.
  • SpongeBob: [starts to puke] Can I get a doggie bag with that?

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