Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Two Faces of Squidward" from season 5, which aired on November 23, 2007.

  • [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Patrick are singing "Squidward had a Krabby Patty", the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb", in the kitchen.]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Squidward had a Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty. Squidward had a Krabby Patty ♪
  • SpongeBob: ♪ its buns were white as snow! ♪
  • Patrick: ♪ whose buns were white as snow! ♪ [he and SpongeBob both laugh]
  • Squidward: [sighs and talks to the screen while they sing the whole song again] Welcome to the Krusty Krab. Where it's almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards. [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ Squidward had a Krabby Patty ♪
  • Squidward: [SpongeBob & Patrick are still singing in the kitchen] Excuse me for just a second.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ its buns were white as snow! ♪ [both laugh as Squidward interrupts them]
  • Squidward: Do you mind, I'm trying to work in a fast-food restaurant. You might wanna try it sometime!
  • SpongeBob: I sure would, Squidward. That sounds... [Patrick interferes]
  • Patrick: Oh, wait a minute! SpongeBob, you already do work in a fast-food restaurant!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay!
  • Squidward: [to the viewers] Remind me to fire my therapist. [cuts to the front of Squidward's boat] And stop bringing your neighbors to work!
  • Patrick: We're not just neighbors.
  • SpongeBob: You can say that again!
  • Patrick: We're not just... [Squidward interferes]
  • Squidward: I don't care! [faces the customers, embarrassed. Laughs nervously] $4.19, please.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty!
  • Squidward: [grunts. He is shown like a thermometer, reaching the boiling point] Alright! I am gonna... Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but... [SpongeBob opens the door and bashes Squidward's face]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] She'll be comin' around the Krabby Patty when she comes!
  • Squidward: [screams as SpongeBob looks into Squidward] SpongeBob, you nincompoop! You broke my face! Don't just stand there, help me! I need a doctor!
  • [Bubble transition to the emergency room. Sounds of operation, SpongeBob eats Krusty Krab hats, Purple Doctorfish opens the door.]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Oh, doctor! Is he gonna be alright? For the love of Neptune, tell me!
  • Purple Doctorfish: Well ,son...
  • SpongeBob: No! don't tell me! I can't take it! [SpongeBob is crying]
  • Purple Doctorfish: We should know...
  • SpongeBob: No, please. Just... just don't.
  • Purple Doctorfish: We won't know for two weeks. You'll just have to wait. [Purple Doctorfish leaves]
  • SpongeBob: Two weeks? I'll never make it. [SpongeBob falls down. Two weeks later, SpongeBob comes into the hospital with a bouquet of flowers]
  • Nurse Rechid: Mornin', SpongeBob. You're early today.
  • SpongeBob: Good morning, Nurse Rechid. [walks over to an old lady] Hi, Mabel. Saved the blue one just for you. [takes out a blue flower and gives it to Mabel]
  • Mabel: Oh, SpongeBob. Blue is my favorite color. Er... or is it orange?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Don't worry, Mabel. I'll bet your amnesia's gonna wear off in no time. [walks away]
  • Mabel: My what?
  • SpongeBob: [flops into Squidward's room] Hiya, Squidward! I've been practicing how to flop on my back.
  • Squidward: [muffled shouting. His head is covered with bandages]
  • Purple Doctorfish: We can't really have you in here today. I'm going to be removing Squidward's bandages and he made me swear to keep you far away from him.
  • SpongeBob: It has been two weeks already? [SpongeBob Smiling]. Don't worry, doc. I promise to stay out of the way.
  • Purple Doctorfish: Okay. As long as you stay on the other side of the... [sighs while SpongeBob immediately dashes to the bed] Right. [takes out some scissors and is about to remove the bandages on Squidward's face]
  • SpongeBob: Don't rush it! Sorry, go ahead. [the doctor continues his work, but SpongeBob interrupts him again] Wait!
  • Purple Doctorfish: [angrily] What is it?
  • SpongeBob: Are you sure that the patient has enough emensmansera?
  • Purple Doctorfish: I have no idea what that is. Please. Just let me work.
  • SpongeBob: Very well, doctor. Carry on.
  • Purple Doctorfish: May I?
  • SpongeBob: Hold it! The readings on this brain meter are all wrong! We must postpone the operation!
  • Purple Doctorfish: That is a television set put here for the patient's enjoyment. And it's not even plugged into the wall!
  • SpongeBob: You're right, doctor. Proceed with operation sever. Hold it!
  • Purple Doctorfish: Now what?!
  • [On the television]
  • Nurse: Doctor, we can't do this. Surely we can use a less dangerous procedure. After all, we have to start thinking about... the welfare of... [Purple Doctorfish turns off the TV]
  • SpongeBob: Wait!
  • Purple Doctorfish: [impatiently] WHAT could it possibly be this TIME?!
  • SpongeBob: I just want to say sorry for interrupting you before.
  • [Purple Doctorfish twitches his eye for a second. He unwraps the bandages. When all the bandages are off, there is a bright light that shines in his face.]
  • Purple Doctorfish: [gasps] I... I... I can't believe it. [Purple Doctorfish faints]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah?
  • Squidward: How does it look?
  • SpongeBob: [looks at Squidward's face and is likewise stunned] Great Neptune...
  • Squidward: Come on. Spit it out. I can take it.
  • Nurse: Time for your medicine, Mister... [sees Squidward's new look] Mister... Mister... [flirting gesture] Handsome! Ohhh... [The nurse melts]
  • Squidward: What did she call me?
  • SpongeBob: Handsome. But she spelled it wrong.
  • Squidward: Quick, hand me that mirror! [SpongeBob hands him a mirror, and he notices his new handsome look] What the...? Wait a second. That nurse was right. I am handsome!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you're not handsome. You're a hunk!
  • [Scene cuts to the Bikini Bottom city. People start to notice Squidward's new look]
  • Incidental 48: So handsome! [faints]
  • Incidental 64: Handsome! [Then more women faint]
  • Incidental 107: [Crash!] Hello, Handsome.
  • SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward. People really seem to be noticing how handsome you are now. You might even be more handsome than before.
  • Incidental 8: [screams] So handsome!
  • SpongeBob: If that's even possible.
  • Incidental 87: Uh... [screams, then starts walking] It's a miracle... I can walk.
  • Harold: [takes off sunglasses] I can see!
  • Fat Student Fish: I can fly! [goes on top of a building and starts to fly] Uh-oh. My shoe's untied. [his shoe falls off]
  • Female Teen Fish: Mr. Handsome, can I have your autograph? No! Not in the book, on my retainer.
  • [they are about to cross the street until a limousine enters their way, with the driver opening the door for them]
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: A limousine?! [shocked then the crowd cheers]
  • Squidward: Well SpongeBob, earlier today my spine was hurting, now I'm resting on fine leather upholstery. [Limo stops at Squidward's house while the crowd cheers for them]
  • SpongeBob: Well, I'm gonna go clip my toenails Squidward, don't forget to enjoy being handsome.
  • Squidward: Oh, don't worry.
  • Crowd: [cheers] Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! [night time and crowd still keeps on cheering for Squidward until dawn]
  • Squidward: Huh? [to the viewer] Well, better go greet the commoners.[heads outside to receive the cheering crowd, and is stunned to see numerous citizens surrounding him]
  • Crowd: Handsome! Handsome! Handsome!
  • Squidward: Good morning my people! I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but even I [laughs] strange as it seems, need my beauty sleep.
  • Incidental 36: I want his shirt!
  • Incidental 41: I want his eyelids! [crowd rips his shirt, causing Squidward to run back inside home]
  • Squidward: I guessed I kept them waiting a little too long. I know, a little music should soothe their hunger. [plays the clarinet]
  • Bill: Hey what is that sound?
  • Harold: Wait it's him! The handsome man! [crowd cheers]
  • Squidward: Beautiful and talented. what more do they want? Don't worry folks, there's more where that came from... Hey! [a guy steals his clarinet]
  • Thaddeus: I got the clarinet! [crowd rips the shirt off the fish who got Squidward's clarinet and breaks his clarinet]
  • Squidward: [smells the liquid soap] There's nothing a little foaming herbal bath can't cure. [a female fish takes his soap] Hey, my grandmother gave me that soap! Well, no one ever said it'd be easy being so handsome, Squiddy. You'll just start getting used to.. [screams as a big female fish with 4 eyes pops out of his bath tub]
  • Big Female Fish: Hi, Handsome.
  • Incidental 107: Handsome!
  • Incidental 49: Handsome!
  • Incidental 14: Handsome!
  • Squidward: [gasps]
  • Incidental 14: Let's get him!
  • Squidward: [screams and jumps out of the window and goes to SpongeBob's house while SpongeBob is clipping his toenails] SpongeBob! You gotta help me! They stole my bubble bath! Public life ain't all it's cracked up to be. I want my old life back.
  • SpongeBob: Hmmm... I know just what to do. [crowd chases Squidward and SpongeBob until they reach the Krusty Krab]
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward? What have you done? You know what the Krusty Krab means to me, don't ya? And you took it upon yourself to bring all these, these customers, to me. Hey, don't worry folks, There's plenty of Squidward to go around. So everybody just line up and get your pocketbooks out, first will be a small fee of $14.98 per person, everyone will get the opportunity to touch Squidward.
  • Squidward: We don't have much time! Take the door and change me back.
  • Mr. Krabs: And I'll even throw in a free soft drink for an extra $3.
  • Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. Take the door and smash my face back!
  • SpongeBob: I can't! It was one thing doing it by accident, but I can't hurt you on purpose.
  • Squidward: You better hurt me or I'm really gonna hurt you!
  • SpongeBob: Well, okay...
  • Squidward: Now don't hold back, SpongeBob. Just really let me have it.
  • SpongeBob: Just remember, Squidward, this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you.
  • Squidward: Uhhh... okay, just let me just memori... [SpongeBob slams the door on Squidward's face] Dooowww! Hey, I wasn't ready. [slam!] Would you mind waiting ‘til I... [slam!]
  • SpongeBob: Hang on, you're starting to look like your old self again. [slam!] Nope. Still too handsome. [slam!] It's still not working. Maybe I'm not doing it hard enough. [slam!]
  • Squidward: Uh... hang on a sec... [SpongeBob slams the door on him over and over again] let me... uhhh... [Squidward groans as his face becomes even more handsome]
  • SpongeBob: [shocked] Eeee! Squidward, you're even more handsome now! [crowd cheers even louder] And the crowd is in a frenzy.
  • Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, it was you who got me into this mess, now you have to get me out again!
  • SpongeBob: I know, Squidward! I'll think of something! Huh! I just need, I just... [a shoe from outside will be hitting Squidward]
  • Squidward: [in slow motion] Got me into...
  • SpongeBob: [springs into action] Squidward! Look out for that falling shoe!
  • Squidward: Huh? [SpongeBob pushes Squidward; Squidward screams while he is dramatically flying to the pole. The scene briefly cuts to SpongeBob, who gets hit by the shoe and has no feeling. After a while, Squidward hits the pole]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward...
  • Squidward: [his face is back to normal while everyone is shocked] SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: You're back! Oh, Squidward... I love you no matter how many times we smash your face. [hugs Squidward]
  • Squidward: I almost wish that meant something. [crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, where you going? Don't leave me! Please! I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little [slam!] effort, just a little [slam!] elbow grease. [The camera zooms away from the Krusty Krab, as it vibrates whenever Mr. Krabs slams the door on Squidward.] Please! Come back! [The episode ends as it fades to black.]
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