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The Two Faces of Squidward
Season №: 5
Episode №: 99a
Airdate: November 23, 2007
Previous: "What Ever Happened to SpongeBob?"
Next: "SpongeHenge"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Two Faces of Squidward" from season five, which aired on November 23, 2007.

  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Squidward had a Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty. Squidward had a Krabby Patty who's buns were white as snow!♪
  • Squidward: [talks while they sing the whole song again] Welcome to the Krusty Krab. Where it's almost as if the evolutionary clock ticks backwards. [cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪Squidward had a Krabby Patty--♪
  • Squidward: [SpongeBob & Patrick are still singing in the kitchen] excuse me for just a second.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪--white as snow!♪
  • Squidward: Do you mind, I'm trying to work in a fast food restaurant. You might wanna try it sometime!
  • SpongeBob: I sure would, Squidward. That sounds... [Patrick interferes]
  • Patrick: Oh, wait a minute! SpongeBob, you already do work in a fast food restaurant!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, yeah!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay!
  • Squidward: Remind me to fire my therapist. [cuts to the front of Squidward's boat ] And stop bringing your neighbors to work!
  • Patrick: We're not just neighbors.
  • SpongeBob: You can say that again!
  • Patrick: We're not just... [Squidward interferes]
  • Squidward: I don't care! [faces the customers, embarrassed. Laughs nervously] $4.19, please.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty, Krabby Patty!
  • Squidward: [Squidward is shown like a thermometer, reaching the boiling point] Alright! I am gonna... Well, I don't know what I'm gonna do, but... [SpongeBob opens the door and bashes Squidward's face]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] She'll be comin' around the Krabby Patty when she comes!
  • Squidward: [screams as SpongeBob looks into Squidward] SpongeBob, you nincompoop! You broke my face! Don't just stand there, help me! I need a doctor!
  • [Sounds of operation, SpongeBob eats Krusty Krab hats, Purple Doctorfish opens the door]
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Oh, doctor! Is he gonna be alright? For the love of Neptune, tell me!
  • Purple Doctorfish: Well son...
  • SpongeBob: No! don't tell me! I can't take it! [SpongeBob is crying]
  • Purple Doctorfish: We should know...
  • SpongeBob: No, please. Just... just don't.
  • Purple Doctorfish: We won't know for two weeks. You'll just have to wait. [Purple Doctorfish leaves]
  • SpongeBob: Two weeks? I'll never make it. [SpongeBob falls down. Two weeks later, SpongeBob comes into the hospital with a bouquet of flowers]
  • Nurse Rechid: Mornin' SpongeBob. You're early today.
  • SpongeBob: Good morning Nurse Rechid. [walks over to an old lady] Hi, Mabel. Saved the blue one just for you. [takes out a blue flower and gives it to Mabel]
  • Mabel: Oh, SpongeBob. Blue is my favorite color. Er... or is it orange?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Don't worry, Mabel. I'll bet your amnesia's gonna wear off in no time. [walks away]
  • Mabel: My what?
  • SpongeBob: [flops into Squidward's room] Hiya Squidward! I've been practicing how to flop on my back.
  • Squidward: [muffled shouting. His head is covered with bandages]
  • Purple Doctorfish: We can't really have you in here today. I'm going to be removing Squidward's bandages and he made me swear to keep you far away from him.
  • SpongeBob: It has been two weeks already? [SpongeBob Smiling]. Don't worry doc. I promise to stay out of the way.
  • Purple Doctorfish: Okay. As long as you stay on the other side of the...[SpongeBob immediately dashes to the bed] [sighs] Right. [takes out some scissors and is about to remove the bandages on Squidward's face]
  • SpongeBob: Don't rush it! Sorry, go ahead. Wait!
  • Purple Doctorfish: [angrily] What is it?
  • SpongeBob: Are you sure that the patient has enough [gibberish] emensmansera?
  • Purple Doctorfish: I have no idea what that is. Please. Just let me work.
  • SpongeBob: Very well, doctor. Carry on.
  • Purple Doctorfish: May I?
  • SpongeBob: Hold it! The readings on this brain meter are all wrong! We must postpone the operation!
  • Purple Doctorfish: That is a television set put here for the patient's enjoyment. And it's not even plugged into the wall!
  • SpongeBob: You're right, doctor. Proceed with operation sever. Hold it!
  • Purple Doctorfish: Now what?!
  • [On the television]
  • Nurse: Doctor, we can't do this. Surely we can use a less dangerous procedure. After all, we have to start thinking about... the welfare of... [Purple Doctorfish turns off the TV]
  • SpongeBob: Wait!
  • Purple Doctorfish: What could it possibly be this time?!
  • SpongeBob: I just want to say sorry for interrupting you before.
  • Purple Doctorfish: [gasps] I...I...I can't believe it. [Purple Doctorfish faints]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah?
  • Squidward: How does it look?
  • SpongeBob: Great Neptune...
  • Squidward: Come on. Spit it out. I cant take it.
  • Nurse: Time for your medicine, Mister...Mister...Mister...Handsome! Ohhh... [The nurse melts]
  • Squidward: What did she call me?
  • SpongeBob: Handsome. But she spelled it wrong.
  • Squidward: Quick hand me that mirror. What the...? Wait a second. That nurse was right. I am handsome!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you're not handsome. You're a hunk!
  • [People then started to notice Squidward]
  • Martha Smith: So handsome! [faints]
  • Thaddeus: Handsome! [Then more women faint]
  • Billy: [Crash!] Hello, Handsome.
  • SpongeBob: Gee, Squidward. People really seem to be noticing how handsome you are now. You might even be more handsome than before.
  • Tina: [screams] So handsome! [faints]
  • SpongeBob: If that's even possible.
  • Mary in wheel chair: Uh...[screams] It's a miracle...I can walk.
  • Harold: [takes off sunglasses] I can see!
  • Fat Student Fish: I can fly! [starts to fly] Uh-oh. My shoe's untied. [his shoe falls]
  • Female Teen Fish: Mr. Handsome, can I have your autograph? No! not in the book, on my retainer.
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: A limousine?! [shocked then the crowd cheers]
  • Squidward: Well SpongeBob, earlier today my spine was hurting, now I'm resting on fine leather upholstery. [Limo stops at Squidward's house while the crowd cheers for them]
  • SpongeBob: Well I'm gonna go clip my toenails Squidward, don't forget to enjoy being handsome.
  • Squidward: Oh, don't worry.
  • Crowd: [cheers] Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! [night time and crowd still keeps on cheering for Squidward until dawn]
  • Squidward: Huh? Well, better go greet the commoners.
  • Crowd: Handsome! Handsome! Handsome!
  • Squidward: Good morning my people! I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but even I [laughs] strange as it seems, need my beauty sleep.
  • Fish #3: I want his shirt!
  • Fish #4: I want his eyelids! [crowd rips his shirt]
  • Squidward: I guessed I kept them waiting a little too long. I know, a little music should soothe their hunger. [plays the clarinet]
  • Bill: Hey what is that sound?
  • Harold: Wait it's him! The handsome man! [crowd cheers]
  • Squidward: Beautiful and talented. what more do they want? Don't worry folks, there's more where that came from...Hey! [a guy stole his clarinet]
  • Thaddeus: I got the clarinet! [crowd rips the shirt off the fish who got Squidward's clarinet and breaks his clarinet]
  • Squidward: [smells the liquid soap] There's nothing a little foaming herbal bath can't cure. [Fish takes soap] Hey my grandmother gave me that soap! Well no one ever said it'd be easy being so handsome Squiddy. You'll just start getting used to.. [screams as a big female fish with 4 eyes pops out of his bath tub]
  • Big Female Fish: Hi, Handsome.
  • Male Fish #7: Handsome!
  • Female Fish #8: Handsome!
  • Female Fish #9: Handsome! Let's get him!
  • Squidward: [screams and jumps out of the window and goes to SpongeBobs house while SpongeBob is clipping his toenails] SpongeBob! You gotta help me! They stole my bubble bath! Public life ain't all it's cracked up to be. I want my old life back.
  • SpongeBob: Hmmm... I know just what to do. [crowd chases Squidward and SpongeBob]
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward? What have you done? You know what the Krusty Krab means to me, don't ya? And you took it upon yourself to bring all these, these customers, to me. Hey, don't worry folks, There's plenty of Squidward to go around. So everybody just line up and get your pocketbooks out, first will be a small fee of $14.98 per person everyone will get the opportunity to touch Squidward.
  • Squidward: We don't have much time! Take the door and change me back.
  • Mr. Krabs: And I'll even throw in a free soft drink for an extra $3.
  • Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. Take the door and smash my face back!
  • SpongeBob: I can't! It was one thing doing it by accident, but I can't hurt you on purpose.
  • Squidward: You better hurt me or I'm really gonna hurt you!
  • SpongeBob: Well ok...
  • Squidward: Now don't hold back, SpongeBob. Just really let me have it.
  • SpongeBob: Just remember Squidward, this is going to hurt me more that it's going to hurt you.
  • Squidward: Uhh... okay, just let me just memori... [SpongeBob slams the door on Squidward's face] Dooowww! Hey, I wasn't ready. [slam!] Would you mind waiting till I... [slam!]
  • SpongeBob: Hang on, you're starting to look like your old self again. [slam!] Nope. Still too handsome. [slam!] It's still not working. Maybe I'm not doing it hard enough. [slam!]
  • Squidward: Spo... hang on a sec [slams the door over and over again] ... let me... uhhhh... [Squidward becomes even more handsome]
  • SpongeBob: Yeeks! Squidward! You're even more handsome now! And the crowd is in a frenzy.
  • Squidward: Well, SpongeBob, it was you who got me into this mess, now you have to get me out again!
  • SpongeBob: I know Squidward! I'll think of something! Huh! I just need, I just need... [a shoe from outside will be hitting Squidward and SpongeBob springs into action]
  • Squidward: [In slow motion] Got me into...
  • SpongeBob: Squidward! look out for that falling shoe!
  • Squidward: Huh? [SpongeBob pushes Squidward and hits the pole flying dramatically; Squidward screams]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward...
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: You're back! Oh, Squidward...I love you no matter how many times we smash your face.
  • Squidward: I almost wish that meant something [crowd leaves after seeing Squidward not handsome anymore]
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, where you going? Don't leave me! Please! I'm beggin' ya! Look. I can make him handsome again. Watch! [slams the door on Squidward's face repeatedly] See? [slam!] He's getting handsome. It just takes a little [slam!] effort, just a little [slam!] elbow grease. Please! Come back!

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