Encyclopedia SpongeBobia
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Encyclopedia SpongeBobia

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Smoking Peanut" from season 2, which aired on May 12, 2001.

  • [The episode starts at the Bikini Bottom Zoo.]
  • French Narrator: Ah... the Bikini Bottom Zoo is having its annual Free Day. Free balloons...
  • [Jimmy gives Monroe a balloon but Mr. Krabs, disguised in a mustache, steals all the balloons from him.]
  • French Narrator: Free drinks...
  • [Mr. Krabs comes by and fills up a huge barrel at a soda dispenser.]
  • French Narrator: Free light bulbs?
  • [Mr. Krabs unscrews a light bulb from a path light and puts it into his pants just as the police arrive and become suspicious of him.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Aha! Top of the morning, boys! [laughs nervously, the cops walk off] Whew! Next stop: gift shop.
  • [Mr. Krabs runs into the gift shop, then SpongeBob and Patrick walk by wearing zoo hats.]
  • SpongeBob: There it is... Oyster Stadium. Not only do they have the largest oyster held in captivity, it also does tricks!
  • SpongeBob: [announcer voice] He spits a giant pearl 100 feet in the air, like a cannonball!
  • [SpongeBob crumples up his hat and spits it into the air and into a little fish's ice cream.]
  • Patrick: Why are we hanging around watching a cheap imitation? Let's get over there!
  • [The two run into the stadium]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives!
  • [Clamu, the enormous oyster, is snoring and gurgling]
  • Patrick: This is the greatest day of our lives? Boring.
  • SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick. We came to see [Announcer voice] pearls 100 feet in the air! [normal voice] Right? I'll try my oyster call.
  • [SpongeBob makes a strange noise, but he gives up, because the oyster is asleep.]
  • Patrick: Well, I'm outta here. Thanks for nothing, SpongeBob.
  • [Patrick walks away.]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, come on, wake up already! [He pulls out his bag of sea peanuts. He looks left and right and then throws one at the oyster. The oyster stirs.] I think it's working!
  • [The oyster frantically looks around]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, it's waking up!
  • Patrick: Oh, boy, did I miss it?
  • SpongeBob: No, the show's about to begin!
  • [The oyster suddenly cries at the top of her lungs. SpongeBob and Patrick get blown back towards the seats. The oyster hops around while bawling. Two zoo employees come running into the arena.]
  • Zoo Worker #1: What's wrong with Clamu?
  • Joe: Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember?
  • [Clamu snarls and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]
  • Patrick: Now, this is a show!
  • [Outside...]
  • Announcer: Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [everybody begins to run around and scream] Thanks for coming.
  • [In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]
  • Zoo Worker #1: You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. [The worker points at SpongeBob] You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?
  • SpongeBob: Uh...
  • Patrick: No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?
  • [SpongeBob hides the peanut bag]
  • SpongeBob: Right. [SpongeBob lets out a nervous shriek]
  • [Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]
  • Patrick: Man, if I ever see the guy who upset Clamu, I'd have a few choice words for him, like "you"... and... "are" ... and... "a jerk!" [SpongeBob and Patrick have now arrived at their houses] Are you sure you didn't see anything suspicious?
  • SpongeBob: I already said I didn't, Patrick, sheesh!
  • [Walks up into his pineapple]
  • Patrick: Hey, let's investigate this crime and catch the lowlife who's responsible!
  • SpongeBob: Give it a rest, Patrick! There's no crime to investigate! Now go home! [SpongeBob stomps into his pineapple, slamming the door behind him.] Stupid Patrick... I didn't do anything wrong! Aw, what am I getting so worked up about? I'm sure that by tomorrow, this whole ugly mess will be a funny memory.
  • [He chuckles and turns on the TV]
  • Johnny: Our top story tonight: giant oyster has its feelings hurt! The only clue that could be found was this lone peanut! And as you can hear, the oyster continues to emit its horrible cry. A cry so powerful, it can be heard around the world. [TV is shown with real people covering their ears in Egypt, Holland, and India] A cry that not only breaks the sound barrier, it breaks the hearts of our citizens! [SpongeBob stares a the TV with a look of guilt and horror] What kind of cruel, careless, evil person would deliberately upset one of Neptune's most gentle creatures? [Hans uses a tissue to wipe a tear off Johnny's face. SpongeBob turns off the TV]
  • Gary: Meow?
  • SpongeBob: [screams] No, Gary! How would I know anything about the oyster?
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: Defensive? I'm not being defensive! Barnacles! What is this, 20 Questions or something? [He peers out the window at Oyster Stadium, where we still hear Clamu's wailing] This is getting a little out of hand. All I did was throw a peanut. I didn't mean to make the oyster cry! I just wanted to see it perform spectacular stunts! Aw, everyone's gonna hate me! I-I need some advice! Now, let's see now. Who could never hate me no matter what I do? [Cut to SpongeBob knocking on Squidward's door] Squidward?! Squidward?! Oh, Squidward?!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! Do you have to knock so loudly?!
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, neighbor.
  • Squidward: Oh... that overgrown clam is giving me a headache! I can't even take my afternoon beauty nap!
  • SpongeBob: [chuckles nervously] Funny thing you should mention that old oyster, because I... uh... was kind of wondering, um... Let's say I know this guy who may have something to do with the oyster.
  • Squidward: You mean you know the guy who did it?!
  • SpongeBob: [gulps]
  • Squidward: Oh, this is great! You and I can go turn him in! And then I'll get so much sleep, I'll be gorgeous!
  • SpongeBob: Um, actually, I-I'm just talking hypothetically.
  • Squidward: You mean you don't know who did it?
  • SpongeBob: Well, um... I... uh... no. [Squidward slams the door in SpongeBob's face] Squidward?
  • [SpongeBob walks away. On his way home, he encounters Patrick in a Sherlock Holmes outfit]
  • Patrick: Gotcha! [SpongeBob screams and jumps]
  • Patrick: [looking at the sand] Where were you on the day of today? Don't play games with me, mister!
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, what are you doing?
  • Patrick: Oh, hi, SpongeBob. I'm just continuing my investigation of the Great Clamu Caper!
  • SpongeBob: Um... have you found out anything?
  • Patrick: Yes! No, wait, uh... no. [holds up a single grain of sand] But this grain of sand looks pretty suspicious, [holds up a rock] and so does this rock! [Holds up magnifying glass to look at a piece of grass] And I've got a few questions for this little piece of grass! Don't worry, SpongeBob! Patrick's on the case! The truth will be revealed!
  • [SpongeBob runs away]
  • SpongeBob: I better go see Sandy, she'll know what to do!
  • [We see Sandy and SpongeBob in the treedome, and Clamu is still shrieking]
  • Sandy: Oh, I can't stand it anymore! That poor, poor critter! What kind of inconsiderate person would upset such a gentle creature?
  • SpongeBob: Uh, that's kind of what I wanted to talk about, Sandy.
  • Sandy: Why, when I find out who caused that oyster so much pain, no more jiggery pokery!
  • [Holds up the Bikini Bottom Phone Book and rips it in half in front of SpongeBob]
  • Sandy: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about, SpongeBob?
  • [SpongeBob tries to speak, but can't]
  • Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob, how come you're all twitchy like that?
  • SpongeBob: Twitchy? Twitchy? Who's twitchy? I'm not twitchy! Sorry, Sandy, I have to, um... um... go get my hair cut. [He runs home]
  • Sandy: SpongeBob doesn't have hair... or does he?
  • [SpongeBob frantically runs down the block panting. He runs to the house and tries to open the door. Patrick approaches him to talk]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob?! [SpongeBob is startled and he falls apart. His limbs and facial features all reattach in different places] This is it! All of the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot, and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it! [zoom in on Patrick's mouth licking what seems to be SpongeBob's head. We then zoom out to reveal that he is actually licking a yellow ice cream pop that looks just like SpongeBob's head] Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot!
  • SpongeBob: Okay, uh, good luck with all that, Patrick, and, uh, I guess I'll see you later!
  • [He shuts the door, and inside]
  • Police Fish #1: Open up! This is the police!
  • [SpongeBob's eyes pop out of his head]
  • SpongeBob: Uh, uh, just a second!
  • [Two policefish bust in and one flashes his ID]
  • Policefish #1: Are you SpongeBob SquarePants?
  • SpongeBob: Y-y-yes?
  • Policefish #1: Put those eyeballs back in your head, son. We've got a few questions for you.
  • [SpongeBob puts them in and twists them like a dial until they are positioned. Policefish #2 taps the baton on his hand while Policefish #1 talks.]
  • Policefish #1: Were you at the zoo on the day of the oyster incident?
  • SpongeBob: [stutters] Y-yes! [hides in his pants]
  • Policefish #1: Did you, or did you not take part in various activities of zoo-time merriment?
  • SpongeBob: Yes... [he sinks even lower into his pants]
  • Policefish #1: [holds up a peanut inside a bag with "Exhibit A" written on it] And are you familiar with... this peanut?
  • SpongeBob: Yes!
  • [His eyes peer out over the top of his pants. The bottom of his pants rip, and his body falls through.]
  • Policefish #1: Just one more question... Is it true that you were at the oyster's lair with a Mr. Patrick Star?
  • SpongeBob: [Sobbing] Yes! Yes! It's true! It's true! It's all true! The merriment, the peanut, the Patrick!
  • Policefish #1: That's all we need to know, son. Let's book 'im! [clink. The police put the cuffs on Patrick]
  • Patrick: Wow, you guys are good! I'm the last person I would have suspected, but I was looking for me all the time! It's the perfect crime!
  • Policefish #1: Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge, pinky!
  • [Police Man and Police Man 2 escort Patrick out]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, no! Patrick's too sensitive for the big house! [SpongeBob follows the police boat to the zoo] Wait! Stop! I'm the one you want! I am the criminal!
  • [crowd booing and jeering]
  • Sandals: [Cockney accent] Hey, everybody, let's throw peanuts at him and see how he likes it!
  • [The crowd is throwing the peanuts at Patrick..]
  • Patrick: I get what I deserve! [Crowd yelling. Patrick attempts to catch all the peanuts with his mouth.] Ouch.
  • SpongeBob: Wait! Hold your peanuts! Patrick Star is innocent! I have come here to reveal the truth! They say that truth and honesty will be rewarded with trust and forgiveness!
  • Patrick: [humming a dramatic tune while SpongeBob talks] Dum, dum, dum dum, de, dum...
  • SpongeBob: I'm here to lay my cards on the table, to trim the branches of deception from the tree of life, to shave away the unkempt sideburns from the face of truth! I...
  • Sandals: Hey! Just get on with it!
  • SpongeBob: I am the one who threw the peanut! I know now that what I have done is wrong. And so I say, I am sorry, giant performing oyster. I am sorry, Patrick. I am sorry, citizens of Bikini Bottom. [Patrick stops humming]
  • Sandals: Hey! Let's throw peanuts at both of them!
  • [crowd yelling]
  • Zoo Worker #1: [objecting] Wait! Here's the real criminal! [pulls Mr. Krabs out for the crowd to see]
  • Mr. Krabs: Uh, top of the morning! [his fake mustache falls off]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • [All gasping]
  • Patrick: I knew it!
  • Zoo Worker #1: Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! [the crowd reacts in disgust] Wait a minute... [he puts Krab's clothes back on] [reveals Clamu's pearl] Behold! The oyster's pearl! [The crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu] Here you go, girl.
  • [Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers.]
  • [Suddenly, the pearl starts to crack like an egg and to everyone's amazement, it hatches and out comes a baby oyster.]
  • Baby Oyster: Mama! Mama!
  • SpongeBob: Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!
  • Baby Oyster: Mama!
  • Clamu: Aww!
  • [The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other.]
  • All: Awww... [They glare at Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: [nervously] But it's... Free Day!
  • [The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him.]
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