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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Sewers of Bikini Bottom" from season nine, which aired on November 11, 2015.
  • [Episode begins with many customers at the Krusty Krab while Squidward is awakened from his normal nap when Mr. Krabs makes an announcement.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Listen up crew, I have an announcement! Bikini Bottom's new sports stadium will officially be named after this restaurant!
  • SpongeBob: "The Krusty Krab Stadium." Wow!
  • Mr. Krabs: Soon we'll have all the concessions in the stadium! Paying for the naming rights will make me millions!
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob grabs a foam hand and a pennant.] Opening day is today! Tailgate party! [Running past Mr. Krabs]
  • Mr. Krabs: [He pulls SpongeBob back] Not for you! Your tails have to stay here and pay me back some of that money I spent.
  • SpongeBob: [Grabs a green foam hat] Hurray for Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: While I'm gone, Squidward mans the helm.
  • [Mr. Krabs leaves the restaurant. When SpongeBob goes back to working at the grill, he notices Squidward sleeping on the job.]
  • SpongeBob: Psst. Hey, Squidward.
  • [A sleepy Squidward rolls over and hugs SpongeBob like a teddy bear.]
  • Squidward: Oh, Teddy. You're my favorite snuggle buddy.
  • [Squidward wakes up and sees that he was hugging SpongeBob. He freaks out.]
  • SpongeBob: Ok, boss. Give me a job to do. Please?
  • Squidward: Well, why don't you clean the... uh... [Squidward notices the entire dining room is clean.]
  • Squidward: We can always clean the... uh... [Squidward notices the condiment bottles and pans are also clean. He rubs a table with his tentacle and sees that it is clean.]
  • Squidward: Why don't you clean your own... uh... [SpongeBob shows Squidward his clean shoes. The shoe twirls and kisses Squidward's nose.]
  • Squidward: Alright, alright. Um... Ring everything one more time.
  • SpongeBob: Got it!
  • [SpongeBob runs off to do his task. Squidward walks back to his cash register and goes back to sleep. SpongeBob shows up.]
  • SpongeBob: Done! More please!
  • Squidward: Two more times.
  • [SpongeBob does his task twice at a fast pace.]
  • SpongeBob: Done! Done!
  • Squidward: Ah, but did you clean down to the subatomic particles?
  • SpongeBob: [giggles] I knew I missed something.
  • [SpongeBob goes to do his task as Squidward tries to go back to sleep. However, SpongeBob shows up in a lab coat and goggles.]
  • SpongeBob: Done! Even the theoretical particles are clean. Theoretically. [laughs]
  • Squidward: [sighs] I don't know. Why don't you just, I don't know, see how many things you can flush down the toilet.
  • SpongeBob: [takes off goggles] Um... are you sure about that boss?
  • Squidward: Are you questioning my orders?
  • SpongeBob: I hear and obey my liege.
  • [SpongeBob bows down and crawls to the restrooms. Squidward goes back to sleep but realizes what he just said.]
  • Squidward: Ahh!! What have I done?!
  • [Squidward goes into the restroom and sees SpongeBob flushing a mop down the toilet.]
  • SpongeBob: How am I doing boss? [pulls the lever]
  • Squidward: This is a completely irresponsible thing to do! [The mop gets flushed.] But I must admit, it looks amazing!
  • [SpongeBob grabs a handful of toilet paper and stuffs them into the toilet.]
  • SpongeBob: How about this?
  • [Squidward grabs a handful of Krabby Patties and stuffs them into the toilet.]
  • Squidward: And try this!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward grab handfuls of things such as a toaster, dirty dishes, a cash register, and a picture of Mr. Krabs and stuffs them into the toilet.]
  • Squidward: Here they go!
  • [SpongeBob pulls the lever and everything gets flushed. SpongeBob and Squidward laugh. They continue putting random things in the toilet.]
  • SpongeBob: This will go down good! [Squidward hands SpongeBob Old Man Jenkins. They both realize he is not something to be flushed down.] Oops.
  • [Squidward puts Old Man Jenkins back to his seat and resumes putting random things down the toilet. One of them includes the safe that holds the Krabby Patty secret formula. SpongeBob pulls the lever and everything gets flushed down.]
  • Squidward: That was funny. It almost looked like Mr. Krabs' safe. You know. The one with the secret Krabby Patty formula inside?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] What's really funny is that it was Mr. Krabs' safe. The one with the...
  • Both: Secret Krabby Patty formula inside!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward look down the toilet and see the safe getting flushed down through the pipes and onto the sewers.]
  • Squidward: How could you?
  • SpongeBob: You ordered me to!
  • Squidward: I didn't say the safe!
  • SpongeBob: You didn't say "not the safe"!
  • Squidward: Well, I order you to go get it!
  • SpongeBob: One second. [SpongeBob washes his hands.] Employees must wash hands before leaving.
  • [SpongeBob jumps in the toilet and flushes himself down.]
  • Squidward: What have I done? I flushed SpongeBob down a toilet. Why that's despicable. Even for me.
  • [Squidward goes back to the dining room and sees a line of customers by his register.]
  • Squidward: Alright! As soon as I get the fry cook out of the toilet, you can all have your Krabby Patties!
  • [Everyone freaks out and runs out of the Krusty Krab. Squidward looks down the toilet and tries to step into it.]
  • Squidward: Ew! Yuck. It's so unsanitary. Can't believe I'm doing this.
  • [Squidward steps into the toilet, pulls the lever and gets himself flushed down. Meanwhile at the Krusty Krab Stadium, the entire place is packed and Mr. Krabs is talking to two men in the speaker booth, Crupski and Charlton Hawkfish.]
  • Mr. Krabs: [Crupski punches Mr. Krabs] Ow!
  • Crupski: Krabs, you old bag of shells. You're not gonna regret paying that money to have your name on this stadium for you.
  • Mr. Krabs: I sure hope you're right.
  • Crupski: Krabs, I'd like you to meet Charlton Hawkfish, the famous sewer architect.
  • Charlton Hawkfish: I designed every pipe, gasket, and cesspit beneath this stadium.
  • Mr. Krabs: [laughs nervously] Uh, hi.
  • [Frank and Sandals walk by.]
  • Frank: You know, that was weird. I had to flush the toilet twice.
  • Sandals: And they call this place a modern marble.
  • Charlton Hawkfish: Crupski, you told me you wouldn't cut corners on my plans!
  • [Charlton places his blue print on the table.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: What's this? [growls] You've added the reducer into a five-foot main line!
  • Crupski: Your point being?
  • Charlton Hawkfish: That pipe's too small! It'll never hold!
  • Crupski: Relax, Charlton. Building it cheap saved a lot of money.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ooh! I like that!
  • Charlton Hawkfish: And what's this? The pipe is made out of cardboard?
  • Crupski: In corrugated cardboard.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ah, relax. That's what my grandma's dentures are made of.
  • [Mr. Krabs shows a picture of his grandmother where she has false teeth made out of cardboard. Meanwhile, Squidward is falling through the pipes until he finally lands in the sewer system.]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! Are you down here?
  • [SpongeBob was somehow blending himself in the sewage. He pops out and walks up to Squidward, who freaks out seeing SpongeBob covered in filth.]
  • SpongeBob: Hiya, Squidward.
  • Squidward: [shrieks] Do not touch me! I am way out of my comfort zone!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward walk through the sewer until they have reached two pathways.]
  • Squidward: Alright, you've been down here longer than me. Which way?
  • [SpongeBob wrabs his arm around his body.]
  • SpongeBob: Pull my finger.
  • [Squidward does so and SpongeBob spins to the pathway covered in sewage and filth.]
  • SpongeBob: That way.
  • Squidward: Figures.
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward walk through the filthy pathway.]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha! Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha! Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward continue walking until they reach a wall with strange carvings on it.]
  • SpongeBob: Look at these strange etchings, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Looks like snakes.
  • SpongeBob: I hope we don't run into anything like that down here.
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward continue walking until they spot the safe flowing through the pipes above them.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey! Over there!
  • [The safe gets stuck.]
  • SpongeBob: It's stuck on the pipe!
  • Squidward: We need to get up there!
  • [Squidward climbs on the pipes to get it, but hits his head which gets the safe unstuck. The safe falls down another flowing pipe. Squidward uses SpongeBob as a boat to get the safe.]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha!
  • Squidward: There it is!
  • [Squidward jumps off of SpongeBob and tries to get the safe, but trips over his own feet.]
  • Squidward: Darn it! I missed again!
  • [Squidward sees lampreys biting his hands.]
  • Squidward: AHH! Leapin' lampreys! They're biting me!
  • SpongeBob: Well, bite 'em back!
  • [Squidward does so but ends up getting them in his eyes.]
  • Squidward: Ahh! Ahh! My eyes!
  • [Squidward runs around and screams in pain until SpongeBob sees the safe.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, look! There's the safe!
  • Squidward: Where? Where?
  • [SpongeBob pulls the lampreys off of Squidward, but ends up pulling out his eyeballs that the lampreys are biting on. SpongeBob points Squidward's eyeballs to where the safe is.]
  • SpongeBob: There it is!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward pursue the safe on a gondola.]
  • SpongeBob: [singing] O Sole Mio.
  • Squidward: Silencio.
  • [They ride through the sewers in a barrel.]
  • SpongeBob: Yay! Whoo hoo!
  • [SpongeBob lassos the safe but gets pulled into the water along with Squidward. They both end up falling through the pipe and down the waterfall. As they flow across the water, something is bubbling beneath the surface. A giant green snake pops out of the water, lifting the safe with its nose while SpongeBob and Squidward are dangling on the rope.]
  • Squidward: What the?
  • [The snake roars. SpongeBob and Squidward fall back in the water while the safe remains on the snake's nose.]
  • Both: Sewer snake!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward panic and swim frantically to escape. The sewer snake chases after them while the safe is on its nose. Meanwhile at the Krusty Krab Stadium, the game reaches to half-time. Charlton is worried about the people's safety and the plumbing system while Crupski and Mr. Krabs are enjoying themselves.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: [points to clock] It's five minutes 'til half-time! Do you know what that means?
  • Mr. Krabs: Heh-heh. Sure do. The Bikini Bottom Mets.
  • Charlton Hawkfish: The half-time wave man! When every toilet flushes at once, the sewers can't take it! It's madness!
  • [Charlton leaves the speaker booth.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ok! But you're gonna miss the cheerleaders!
  • [Back at the sewers, the sewer snake continues chasing after SpongeBob and Squidward. They both continue running until they have reached a tunnel.]
  • Squidward: In here!
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward enter the tunnel, but it turns out to be the mouth of the sewer snake. The snake closes its mouth, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward trapped inside.]
  • SpongeBob: [points to a map] Ooh! Look! You are here!
  • Squidward: Why is the diagram shaped like a giant sewer snake with an arrow pointed to its stomach?
  • [SpongeBob is writing on his schedule]
  • Squidward: What are you doing?!
  • SpongeBob: Oh. Crossing digested by a giant sewer snake off of my to-do list. [draws a line on his list]
  • Squidward: Oh. That makes sense.
  • [Squidward then starts to panic and starts to run around inside the sewer snake's stomach.]
  • Squidward: Snake food!
  • [As Squidward continues to panic and run around, the sewer snake starts to feel Squidward's moments from inside.]
  • SpongeBob: Good going, Squidward! You're tickling him! I'll help ya!
  • [SpongeBob joins Squidward in running around the snake's stomach. SpongeBob sees the safe on the ground as he runs.]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, the safe! Squidward! Safe!
  • Squidward: Don't bother me while I'm hysterical!
  • [The sewer snake starts to become sick from the movements in his stomach and vomits everything out including SpongeBob, Squidward, and the safe. SpongeBob and Squidward land safely in the water.]
  • Squidward: I'm alive? I'm alive!
  • SpongeBob: I guess we're just lucky.
  • [The safe lands on Squidward's head.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, look! You found the safe!
  • Squidward: Just my luck.
  • [Back at the Krusty Krab Stadium, half-time is about to begin. All of the customers in the stadium head to the restrooms as Charlton frantically runs through the hallways.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: Egads!
  • [The customers flush the toilets as the red siren goes off.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: Too much flushing! She's gonna blow! [runs to the sewer control center] How's she holding up?
  • Nat Peterson: Sir, every tunnel is flooded except for the reducer pipe!
  • [The reducer pipe is under pressure from all of the flushing.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: The pinch point!
  • Mr. Krabs: Hmm. Is that bad?
  • [The pipe cannot hold anymore and it explodes with water. SpongeBob and Squidward are carrying the safe back up to the surface until they hear something.]
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: Huh?
  • [The flooding water is heading towards them and they get caught inside of it.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: Gaskets blown, manifold mangled, backflow everywhere!
  • Crupski: Oh, you're overacting.
  • Charlton Hawkfish: You flushed it all away, Crupski! You two better hope that failed safe I installed works!
  • [Charlton leaves the control center as water explodes out onto the field. The stadium begins to flood and all of the customers fly into a panic.]
  • Food Vendor: Hot dogs! Popcorn! [water surrounds him] Snorkels?
  • [While everyone panics, Charlton stands near the speaker booth and notices axes on the ground.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: Good thing today was Free Axe Day at the stadium.
  • [Charlton puts an axe in his mouth, rips his shirt off, and bravely dives into the water. He swims down to the failed safe, breaks the lock with the axe, and pulls down the lever. The failed safe activates a giant mechanical hand holding a plunger. The hand unclogs the stadium with the plunger and the water flushes down the hole. All of the customers are saved. Charlton pops out of the hole and is very angry. The customers gasp in fear. Charlton climbs out and straightens out his back.]
  • Charlton Hawkfish: This is what you get when so-called fish kind and all its humorous and ignorance stooped so low! [points to Mr. Krabs and Crupski] As to cut corners and its plumbing system! Extinction is the result of being cheap!
  • Mr. Krabs: What a bunch of malarkey.
  • Charlton Hawkfish: At least we didn't waken the great sewer snake. [Charlton sees the sewer snake behind him.] Check that?
  • [All of the customers run out of the stadium upon seeing the sewer snake, but Charlton does not go back down. He throws the axe, pulls up he sleeves, and runs heroically towards the snake. However, he has an idea on how to defeat it. He points to his nose.]
  • Sewer Snake: Uh-oh.
  • [Charlton pokes the snake with his pointy nose and the snake flies around like a balloon and falls back through the hole and into the sewers. Back at the Krusty Krab, the toilet erupts with water and floods the restroom. The water bursts out of the restroom with the safe covered in filth. The safe is opened by Squidward who along with SpongeBob are covered in sewage.]
  • Squidward: Hey, everybody. The cook's back from the toilet.
  • SpongeBob: Who's hungry?
  • [The episode ends with the customers freaking out and running from the Krusty Krab.]

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