Template:BTranscript
"The Paper" (Spongebob Squarepants episode 16b)
STORYBOARD ARTIST Jay Lender
WRITTEN BY Chuck Klein, Jay Lender, Mr. Lawrence
ANIMATION DIRECTOR Fred Miller
CREATIVE DIRECTOR Derek Drymon
Bubble into a scene of Squidward’s house. Squidward comes out the front door with a foldable chair in his hands.
SQUIDWARD: (humming)
Cut to closer-up view of Squidward. Squidward unfolds chair. Scroll right. Squidward sits in chair.
SQUIDWARD: Ah…time to relax.
Cut to closer-up view of Squidward’s head. Squidward reaches into his pocket and grabs a stick of gum in a wrapper. Squidward unwraps the paper around it. Cut to close-up of gum. Cut to Squidward chewing the gum and throwing the paper in the direction of SpongeBob’s house. Squidward blows bubble with gum. Cut to SpongeBob’s house. The wrapper lands about six feet away from front door. SpongeBob’s house mysteriously moves six feet up the sidewalk to the wrapper. SpongeBob opens the door, in shock that Squidward threw away the piece of paper. Cut to farther-away view of the predicament.
SPONGEBOB: (gasps) Squidward!
Cut to Squidward spitting out gum. A bell dings off-screen.
SQUIDWARD: Well, time to go.
Cut to farther-away view of Squidward getting out of chair and folding it up.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward!
Scroll left as Squidward walks to his house.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward, wait! (As this is said, SpongeBob dashes into the scene, paper in hand.)
SQUIDWARD: (with head up in grievance) Now what?
Cut to closer-up view of SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: You dropped this little piece of paper.
Cut to closer-up view of paper.
SQUIDWARD: Yeah, so what?
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward’s heads.
SPONGEBOB: (looking at paper) I just figured you’d probably want it back.
SQUIDWARD: What’s the big deal? It’s only garbage.
SPONGEBOB: (shocked) Garbage?!?! But Squidward, in the right hands, this paper is a gold mine of entertainment, a spectacular afternoon of underwater fun, a treasure trove of…
SQUIDWARD: (leaning closer to SpongeBob) …garbage! (head moves away from camera)
Cut to Squidward walking in his house.
SPONGEBOB: So you don’t want it?
SQUIDWARD: Right! (slams door and walks away)
SPONGEBOB: Does that mean I can have it?
Cut to Squidward walking towards a shell phone.
SQUIDWARD: Yes, by all means, take it.
Shell phone rings. Cut to Squidward answering it.
SQUIDWARD: (picks up phone) Hello?
SPONGEBOB: (on phone) You sure?
Squidward, after realizing that the caller is in fact SpongeBob, gets angry.
SQUIDWARD: (angrily) Yes! For the final time, I don’t want that paper! It’s yours forever and ever! (slams shell phone on table) (sighs)
SpongeBob reveals that he is under the table, surprising Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: So are you definitely, positively sure?
SQUIDWARD: (furious) Get out…
SPONGEBOB: But are you…
Cut to outside view of Squidward’s house.
SQUIDWARD: (about to blow a gasket) GEEEEEET OUUUUUUT!!!!!!!
SpongeBob is pushed out the door.
SPONGEBOB: Last chance to change your mind, Squidward.
Cut to closer-up view of Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: (making various hand gestures) Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me no matter how much I may beg and plead and cry, don’t give that paper back to me, EVER!
Cut to closer-up view of SpongeBob and paper.
SPONGEBOB: So I take that as a possible no?
Cut to interior of Squidward’s house.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward? Squidward? Squidward?
Squidward slams door in SpongeBob’s face.
SPONGEBOB: OK, Squidward, that’s a promise I just have to keep.
Squidward walks away. Cut to closer-up view of SpongeBob and paper.
SPONGEBOB: Ah, Mister Paper, I am so lucky to have a friend like Squidward.
Cut to interior of second story of Squidward’s house.
SQUIDWARD: (calmed slightly, but still holding a grudge) SpongeBob… (SpongeBob laughs off-screen)
Squidward picks up his clarinet and plays “Mary Had a Little Lamb” off-key. Cut to Squidward looking out of second story window.
SQUIDWARD: What in the world are you giggling about?
Cut to SpongeBob looking at the paper.
SPONGEBOB: (laughing) I’m sorry, Squidward. It’s just… (laughs) It’s just that I’m thinking of all the fun I’m going to have…
Cut to Squidward looking out window.
SPONGEBOB: …with this piece of paper!
Cut to interior of second story of Squidward’s house.
SQUIDWARD: (walking to the right) How can anyone have fun with just a piece of paper? (plays “Mary Had a Little Lamb” off-key)
Cut to closer-up view of Squidward. SpongeBob laughs and sings off-screen. Squidward plays more, trying to drown out his laughter.
SQUIDWARD: (stops playing) D’oh! (furious) What can he possibly be doing with that paper?
Cut to Squidward looking outside. Cut to outside scene, where SpongeBob is running with the paper. Gary is off in the distance.
SPONGEBOB: La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la…
Cut to SpongeBob running to Gary.
SPONGEBOB: Gary, watch this. (flips around pants, puts paper in them, then puts his pants on forwards again) Guess what I am.
Cut to closer-up view of Gary meowing. Cut to SpongeBob with paper in his pants.
SPONGEBOB: Well, yes, Gary, I am a sponge with paper stuck in his pants, but I’m also (with deep voice) Super Sponge, soaking up crime! (regular voice) See, here’s my cape. (turns around and blows on cape twice)
Cut to Squidward looking out window.
SQUIDWARD: Super Moron’s more like it.
Cut to SpongeBob, paper in hand.
SPONGEBOB: Now I’m… (jumps out of pants)
Cut to SpongeBob high up in the air, wearing the paper like a loincloth.
SPONGEBOB: …SpongeBob JunglePants! (imitates Tarzan yell)
Cut to Squidward walking out his front door, gazing at SpongeBob.
SQUIDWARD: Oh, boy.
Cut to SpongeBob swinging on vine. Cut to him landing on his house.
SPONGEBOB: Ugh…SpongeBob JunglePants summon animal friends. (roars, caws, makes raspberry noises, screeches)
Cut to closer-up view of SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: (imitates foghorn while head is shaped like foghorn, shapes his head like a dolphin and chatters, shapes his head like a sea lion and “barks”)
Cut to Gary meowing. Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: You’re right, Gary. I’m not a jungle boy. (jumps off house, pants intact) I am a box of army supplies…
Cut to SpongeBob in free fall.
SPONGEBOB: …bringing relief to the hungry troops! (paper comes out of head like parachute, yells in excitement)
Cut to Squidward hiding behind a piece of coral. Cut to SpongeBob, Gary, and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Landing just in time for the bullfight! (uses paper as red cape commonly used by matadors) Toro! Toro, Gary! Toro, toro! Toro…Gary…toro. (kicks Gary through paper) Hey, olé!
Cut to Squidward. Crowd cheers off-screen. Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Now for some impressions. A guy with a mustache. (paper on nose and with funny accent) Look at me, I’m a guy with a mustache! (regular voice) A pirate with an eyepatch. (paper on eye) Arrr…I’m a pirate. A regular guy with an eyepatch. (paper on eye) Arrr…I am not a pirate.
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Do a big yellow idiot with a stupid piece of paper.
Cut to SpongeBob following Squidward’s request. SpongeBob rolls the paper on his head, then breathes it in and out of his head holes repeatedly. Cut to Squidward, in awe.
SQUIDWARD: How did he do that?
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Look, Gary. Oral-gami. (chews paper and spits it out)
CHILDREN: Bird, yay! (SpongeBob chews it again) Snowflake, yay! (SpongeBob chews it again) Paper doll, yay!
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: (happy) Hey, that little paper does seem like fun. (angrily) What am I saying?
Cut to Squidward’s house.
SQUIDWARD: I am such an idiot. (laughs)
Cut to Squidward walking through the door of his house.
SQUIDWARD: SpongeBob, honestly, and his dumb paper.
Cut to Squidward sitting down and reading Boring Science Digest.
SQUIDWARD: He calls that fun? (sarcastically) Now, reading Boring Science Digest, that’s fun! (laughing sarcastically) Ha! Erosion. Hee-hee! Mitosis. (SpongeBob laughs off-screen)
Bubble into a scene of Squidward’s bathtub.
SQUIDWARD: See, I can have fun taking a bath.
SpongeBob’s paper airplane zooms through the window and “shoots” his rubber ducky. Cut to Squidward in the second story of his house.
SQUIDWARD: Painting fruit…there’s nothing more fun than painting fruit.
Cut to painting of fruit.
SQUIDWARD: This is more fun than anything.
Cut to Squidward. SpongeBob’s laughing induces Squidward to work faster, only then realizing he painted himself with the paper! Cut to painting. Cut to Squidward. Enraged, he destroys the painting. Another laugh makes him throw down his beret.
SQUIDWARD: (enraged) I’ll prove to him that paper is not fun!
Cut to Squidward walking outside. Cut to him playing with a paddleball.
SQUIDWARD: (whistling) I’m having fun, la-la-la-la…
SPONGEBOB: (making similar movements with paper) Isn’t this great, la-la-la-la…
Cut to SpongeBob with paper.
SPONGEBOB: La-la-la-la-la-la…
SQUIDWARD: (walking into scene) OK, SpongeBob, top this one.
Cut to Squidward pulling out puppet “Little Squidward”.
SQUIDWARD: Hey, Little Squidward, what’s gray and ugly and has six arms. (in puppet voice) I don’t know, but have you looked in the mirror lately? (regular voice) What? What did you… (SpongeBob laughing)
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Oh, that’s a good one, Squidward. Now let me try. (folds paper) Have you heard any good jokes, Mister Paper? (in puppet voice) What happened to the paper that fell in the ocean? (regular voice) I don’t know, what happened to the paper that fell in the ocean? (in puppet voice) It was all washed up. (laughs)
Cut to bird’s-eye view of the scene. A group of 44 fish join to laugh with SpongeBob, then dash away. Squidward drops puppet and dashes away.
SPONGEBOB: La-la-la-la-la-la-la…
Bubble into a scene of Squidward in a shell cart.
SQUIDWARD: Ha ha, I’m having so much fun with my new shell cart.
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this?
Cut to Squidward and SpongeBob, who enters the scene from the air, using the paper as a propeller.
SPONGEBOB: Nope. (flies away, seeing Squidward crash his shell cart into his house)
Cut to Squidward with his clarinet.
SQUIDWARD: Well, you can’t play music with a piece of paper! (plays “Mary Had a Little Lamb” off-key)
SpongeBob walks into the scene.
SPONGEBOB: Hooray! Hooray! That was great, Squidward.
Cut to Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
At the words “wrong notes”, Squidward feels insulted. Cut to Squidward and SpongeBob.
SQUIDWARD: What? I didn’t play any wrong notes. (plays first 7 notes off-key)
SPONGEBOB: Yeah, see, you were playing it like this (plays first 7 notes off-key with paper) when ordinarily it goes like this. (plays first 7 notes perfectly)
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: I’m partial to doing it in the key of A minor, myself. (plays jazzy version of “Mary Had a Little Lamb” in A minor)
Cut to Squidward looking at background of notes. Cut to closer-up view of SpongeBob and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Ah, nothing like a duet between buddies, eh, Squidward?
SQUIDWARD: (tugging repeatedly at paper) Give me my paper back! Now let go of it. I said let go of it! Let go, let go, let go, let gabbajabbawaggajibbawannaggaiwannafiggamannugga…
SPONGEBOB: I can’t!
SQUIDWARD: What do you mean you can’t?
SPONGEBOB: I can’t!
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: You made me promise no matter how much you begged and pleaded and cried not to give the paper back to you ever!
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: I never said anything like that.
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Sure you did, Squidward, look! (pulls out a flipbook)
SQUIDWARD: (in the flipbook, making various hand gestures) Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me no matter how much I may beg and plead and cry, don’t give that paper back to me, EVER!
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Want to see it again?
SQUIDWARD: No, I don’t want to see it again. Just give me that paper.
SPONGEBOB: Sorry, Squidward. I am sworn to a promise. (walks to the right) Maybe I should get going.
SQUIDWARD: Wait, wait. Maybe we can trade for something. Yeah, something, something. (reaches in pocket and pulls out lint and rubber band) Aha! He-he, wait up, SpongeBob! (runs to the right)
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Wait! Hold on there, chum. (laughs)
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: I’m going to make you an offer.
SpongeBob comes and looks at Squidward’s hand.
SPONGEBOB: WOW! Pocket lint!
Cut to Squidward’s hand. Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: You drive a hard bargain, Squidward.
Cut to Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Paper for lint. Hmmmmm…
SQUIDWARD: Not the lint, the rubber band!
SPONGEBOB: The rubber band?
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Do I dare?
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Ohhh…dare! Dare!
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: OK…oh, I get it. You’re just testing me.
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Don’t worry, Squidward. I won’t let you down.
Cut to Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: A promise is a promise.
Cut to SpongeBob.
SQUIDWARD: Listen, you! (leans closer to SpongeBob) You are not going anywhere until we strike a deal!
Bubble into a scene of Squidward wheelbarrowing all of his possessions to SpongeBob. First he gives SpongeBob his TV.
SQUIDWARD: Got to get that…paper.
He gives SpongeBob an ancient Roman-esque bust of himself along with a few fabrics.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward?
SQUIDWARD: Trade…
SPONGEBOB: Hey, listen…
He gives SpongeBob his Easter Island head! (That is Squidward’s house, by the way.)
SQUIDWARD: Everything…must…go! (runs over to SpongeBob) Well, that’s the last of it.
Cut to SpongeBob, Squidward, and Squidward’s possessions.
SQUIDWARD: I’ve given you everything but the shirt off my back.
Cut to SpongeBob. SpongeBob starts weeping.
SPONGEBOB: Oh…Squidward, is this still part of the test? Because it’s…
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: (tears welling up in eyes) …it’s really getting harder and harder to keep my promise.
SQUIDWARD: OK, the shirt! (takes off shirt) Take it! Take my shirt!
Cut to SpongeBob.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward’s shirt. (tears of joy welling up in eyes) I…I’ve always loved that shirt. OK, OK, I’ll trade! (puts on shirt, stops crying) I can break a promise for this.
Cut to SpongeBob and Squidward.
SPONGEBOB: Squidward, do you want your other stuff? Because this is all I’ll need.
SQUIDWARD: You can have that junk, because now I’ve got (grabs paper) this. I’ve got the paper, and you’ve got my useless garbage. (starts rubbing backside with it) I got it! Ha ha ha! You can’t have it. (runs circles around SpongeBob) I got it, you’re a sucker!
Cut to the place where Squidward’s house used to be.
SQUIDWARD: (running to “house”) You’re a sucker, sucker, sucker, ha ha! (sits) At last!
Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: What should we try first, Mister Paper? Impressions! A guy with a piece of paper on his nose. (puts paper on nose) Look at me. I’m a guy with a piece of paper…on his…nose. Hmm…aha!
Cut to farther-away view of Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Wait, wait, wait. (chews paper and spits it out)
SQUIDWARD: Ta-da!
CHILDREN: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Squidward wrings out the paper)
SQUIDWARD: OK, OK, uhhhh…helicopter! (puts paper on hand) Gentlemen, start your engines. (squatting repeatedly) I’m flying! Oh yeah, I’m flying! I’m flying! That’s right, that’s right, here we go now. I’m flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, fly… (wheezing) …ing. (stops squatting)
Cut to closer-up view of Squidward. Gary plays clarinet off-screen. Cut to SpongeBob, looking in the mirror at his new shirt. Cut to Gary. Cut to Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: (depressed, although regaining composure) Wait, more impressions! A guy (angrily) throwing a piece of paper (throws paper) on the ground! A guy (stomping on paper) stomping on the piece of paper. (picking up paper, depressed) I’m a guy who traded everything he owns for a…
Patrick enters the scene.
PATRICK: …a worthless piece of paper. Hey, thanks. It’s just what I needed, Squidward.
Cut to Patrick chewing gum, blowing a bubble, stuffing the gum in the piece of paper and throwing it away.
PATRICK: Nice shirt, SpongeBob. (laughs)
Cut to wide-angle shot of Squidward.
SQUIDWARD: Anybody have any sunscreen?
Cut to black.