The Original Fry Cook/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/82a

• [At the Krusty Krab]
• Old Man Jenkins: I just can't decide what to order.
• Squidward: You already ordered.
• Old Man Jenkins: Don't rush me, young lady!
• Squidward: Hurry up, SpongeBob!
• [Back in the kitchen, SpongeBob is filling in a ketchup heart on a Krabby Patty]
• Squidward: What is taking you so long?
• SpongeBob: I'm adding the love!
• Squidward: You're not getting paid to love.
• SpongeBob: Well, I'm not here for the money. [Puts the top bun on and walks out. SpongeBob talks to the Krabby Patty on his way to the customer's table] I'll always treasure these moments we had together.
• Squidward: Look!!!
• [He points to outside, where a solid gold limousine pulls up to the Krusty Krab. Everyone gasps, then runs out to the limo, knocking over and walking over SpongeBob. When SpongeBob lifts his head, to his great disappointment, he sees his burger is trampled with a big footprint in the middle]
• SpongeBob: Awww...
• [Back outside, a security guard opens the limo door for someone]
• Mr. Krabs: Well, I'll be cooked in butter! It's Jim, the Original Fry Cook!
• [Out of the limo steps a bald, overweight, blue fish wearing a fast food cap, and a yellow shirt. He walks into The Krusty Krab]
• Jim: Krabs!
• SpongeBob: The Jim!?! He who flipped patties in the before times?
• Mr. Krabs: You're doin' well, Jim. Is that limo solid gold?
• Jim: It sure is. I was on my way to my solid gold mansion next to my solid gold lake, when I thought I'd take a trip down memory lane.
• Squidward: Good ol' Jim! When you worked here, the place had class.
• SpongeBob: Yeah. When this place had class... [We see a flashback of Mr. Krabs the same old outfit, except he has a blue sweater like his current blue shirt and a medallion that has a "$" on it. He also has sideburns, and is dancing in a Krusty Krab that looks like the same from the outside, but looks like a ballroom from the inside with white floors and pink wallpaper. Squidward comes out from the boat in front of the ordering window, which is brown and has a painted wooden mermaid on the front. He lifts off his Krusty Krab hat to reveal long, blonde hair that goes all the way to his thighs. He walks over to Krabs, who points to the kitchen door. Out comes Jim, holding a "Jim Patty", with his named signed on the side in ketchup. The only difference with Jim is that he has curly brown hair and a zit beneath his lip. When Krabs and Squidward see the Jim patty, the clutch each other in amazement, then take baskets and skip around Jim, sprinkling flower petals on him as he holds up the Jim Patty. End flashback, and the whole Krusty Krew is laughing, including SpongeBob. They stop and stare at him until he stops also] Well, we've had some good times, too. Right, Squidward?
• Squidward: No.
• [Jim walks up to the "Employee of the Month" wall.
• Jim: Hey, that's new. "Employee of the Month", huh?
• SpongeBob: That's me!
• Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, Jim. No one could ever replace you. The original is still underneath.
• [He punches the wall and all of SpongeBob's pictures fall on him and break. Underneath is a giant photo of Jim]
• Mr. Krabs: Your "Best Employee Ever" award! SpongeBob! Sweep up this mess while Jim and I catch up.
• SpongeBob: Yes, sir.
• [Mr. Krabs and Jim sit at a table and talk about their lives]
• Jim: After I left The Krusty Krab I worked at some of the finest restaurants around the world. I got so successful, I was able to retire in luxury.
• SpongeBob: Would you sign my Krabby Patty?
• [Shows him the smashed patty from earlier]
• Jim: Oh, I... Don't sign what I didn't make.
• Mr. Krabs: Hey, bigshot! Why don't you step behind the fryer for old time's sake?
• Jim: You're on, Krabs! But I'll have to charge you!
• [Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically while Jim grins and sips his soda]
• Mr. Krabs: Aye, you always knew how to make me laugh. You just don't find employees like that anymore.
• SpongeBob: Yeah. Not unless you look RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!
• Mr. Krabs: [Gasps] You're right, boy. I appreciate you, Squidward!
• [We see Squidward walking by, a wet toilet plunger in hand]
• Squidward: Now I feel complete!
• Mr. Krabs: Now how's about that patty?
• Jim: Everyone, watch and learn!
• [Everyone gathers at the kitchen doorway as Jim enters, but the door closes and Jim's bodyguards block it]
• Bodyguard #1: No one watches Jim.
• [Jim rings the bell and holds out a burger through the ordering window]
• Jim: One patty! The right way.
• Mr. Krabs: It's a thing of beauty!
• SpongeBob: What's so great about a Jim Patty anyway? [Takes a bite out of it] Meh, it's OK. [His eyes widen and he is transported to a mystical world, full of stars and patties. He rides on one, but it disappears, and he falls. But suddenly he becomes one and slides on a rainbow down into SpongeBob's mouth at the Krusty Krab] Wow! That was... amazing! [SpongeBob walks up to Jim, who is at a table flirting with girls] Uh, Mr. Jim, sir?
• Jim: Oh, hey! You... You're the guy... who sweeps up, right?
• SpongeBob: I'm the new fry cook, sir.
• Jim: Oh! You made that... stepped-on thing I saw earlier, right?
• SpongeBob: Do you have any tips you can pass on to a rookie?
• Jim: Besides don't step on the food?
• SpongeBob: Please critique my work! I wish to learn at the feet of the master!
• Jim: Now that's the way to grovel. I'll do it! [Later, we see SpongeBob and Jim in the kitchen, training. SpongeBob hands a completed patty to Jim, and Jim weighs it. SpongeBob is very excited, until he follows Jim into the bathroom and watches him flush the patty down the toilet] The pickle slices were too thick.
• [SpongeBob grills another one, and flips it into the air, and struggles to somehow make it levitate until Jim says to stop]
• Jim: Hold it... Hold it... Hold it... Okay.
• [Later, as SpongeBob is finished crafting the Krabby Patty, Jim steps on it and lifts his foot, covered in mustard]
• Jim: Now, too much mustard, see?
• [SpongeBob takes his finger and licks some off. Cut to SpongeBob making more patties, Jim taste testing them, and then flushing them. Eventually, the toilet gets so full, that it backs up. SpongeBob runs out of the stall, crying. A fish approaching the stall sees this]
• Fish #1: Oh, man!
• SpongeBob: Am I a fraud?
• [He cries, and Squidward knocks on the door]
• Squidward: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
• SpongeBob: Crying my eyes out.
• Squidward: Well, hurry up. I gotta cry, too.
• SpongeBob: Why, Squidward?
• Squidward: Because when Jim leaves, I'll be stuck with you again!
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. Jim won't be leaving. He's taking my job. I'm the one who's leaving!
• [SpongeBob bursts into tears]
• Squidward: Really? [Japanese music starts to play] Yes! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Ha, cha-cha! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Hee, hee, Ha! Ha!
• [SpongeBob walks into the bathroom and sits on a pile of waterlogged patties]
• SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab deserves better than my meager skills. I should be professional. I must... resign. [He clicks his spatula like a pen, and starts writing on a roll of toilet paper] "Dear Mr. Krabs,"...
• [Later, he walks out of the bathroom to see a crowd towards the front of the Krusty Krab]
• Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the world's greatest fry cook... SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [Gasps] Me?
• Mr. Krabs: Come here. Help us cheer for Jim.
• All But Mr. Krabs and Squidward: Hip, hip, Hooray!
• [SpongeBob runs into the kitchen]
• SpongeBob: Goodbye, grill. Goodbye, pot. Goodbye, pan. So long, fry fat. Goodbye, grease stain. [Kisses the grease stain and runs into the freezer] Goodbye, frozen patty #1. Goodbye, frozen patty #2.
• Narrator: 298 frozen patties later...
• SpongeBob: [Runs out of the freezer] Goodbye, freezer.
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? [SpongeBob hides in the freezer as Mr. Krabs walks in] SpongeBob? [Smells something in the air] That smells like a resignation note. [leaves the resignation notice under a patty bun on the grill with a flag on the top saying "Mr. Krabs" on it] SpongeBob's resignation? Oh, this is terrible! No one's making patties! And that mean I'm not making money!
• [Jim walks in]
• Jim: Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
• Mr. Krabs: He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!
• Jim: Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise!
• [They laugh over their own little joke, and SpongeBob watches from the freezer window]
• SpongeBob: Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.
• Mr. Krabs: Well, I better go find him. SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.
• Jim: What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job.
• SpongeBob: But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
• Jim: Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bull sessions. [Flash back to Jim and Squidward, both with hair, talking at the Krusty Krab] We should open our own restaurant if the jail is bulging now.
• Squidward: No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
• Jim: What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
• Squidward: Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet.
• [His hair disintegrates and falls out of his head instantly]
• Jim: Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs's office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?
• Mr. Krabs: Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.
• Jim: Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
• Mr. Krabs: What now?
• Jim: You know, lay a patch.
• Mr. Krabs: 'Scuse me?
• Jim: Give me a raise, or I'm quitting.
• Mr. Krabs: A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary". Help me get with it, Jack.
• Jim: Stop talking like that.
• Mr. Krabs: These sideburns aren't real.
• [Mr. Krabs rips them off]
• Jim: I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week, capiche?
• [Mr. Krabs starts laughing uncontrollably. When he doesn't stop, Jim leaves, not stopping to listen to Squidward's complaints about his hair.]
• Squidward: My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!
• [End flashback, and we are back to the modern day Krusty Krab, where Krabs is still laughing]
• Mr. Krabs: Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]
• [We see Squidward crying over his bald head]
• Mr. Krabs: You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: you're cheap!
• SpongeBob: Wow! I never thought about it that way!
• Mr. Krabs: So, you'll stay?
• SpongeBob: Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs.
• Jim: Well, Eugene, looks like you've got yourself another sucker. The kid's a good fry cook, but he'll only be a great fry cook when he finally gets the guts to quit this dump. Good luck, SpongeBob. You're gonna need it.
• SpongeBob: The Krusty Krab isn't a dump.
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, she's a dump, alright. But she's my dump.
• SpongeBob: Oh.