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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Masterpiece" from season seven, which aired on October 2, 2010.
  • Mr. Krabs: It's comin' up on that time again. Okay, boy, fire her up.
  • SpongeBob: With pleasure, Mr. Krabs. [puts on rubber gloves and gets the key from underneath his shoe. Puts the key into the stove ignition and turns it on to work like a car. Pushes on the pedal] I love this part of the job.
  • Mr. Krabs: Don't forget the cheese.
  • SpongeBob: And this part ain't bad either! [gets out a cheese slice, inserts it into his body, and squirts it out of his holes in square slices]
  • Mr. Krabs: Looks good, kiddo. You want to do the honors?
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] You don't mean...
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, I mean.
  • SpongeBob:  [gets on his knees and bows to Mr. Krabs] Thank you, Mr. Krabs. Thank you. It is both an honor and a privilege that I shall---
  • Mr. Krabs: What are you going on about? I let you turn the sign every day. [cut to SpongeBob walking up to the closed sign and puts a briefcase down. Opens it up to put on his 'ceremonial gloves' to turn the sign]
  • SpongeBob: As I don the ceremonial white gloves, I can continue the eternal cycle and now deem the Krusty Krab...open. [turns the sign from 'closed' to 'open'] Patrons, spring forth. [SpongeBob holds the front door open] The Krusty Krab will now seat you. [no one is there]
  • Mr. Krabs: [storms to SpongeBob] All right, you landlubbers, get the lead-- [gasps] Neptune's jewels! Where are all me costumers? And just when the Krabby Patty was about to go triple platinum. Squidward. Squidward? Squidward!
  • SpongeBob: [looks behind the counter] No need to shout Mr. Krabs, he's right here, secretly watching his favorite soap, 'As The Tide Turns'.
  • Squidward: Shut it SpongeBob. Gil is about to reveal his secret.
  • Gil: You understand? Them Guppies—Them's my children.
  • Squidward: I knew it!
  • Mr. Krabs: In case you two haven't noticed, we got no customers! And we're not gonna get 'em back if you two lazy susans sit around the TV all day.
  • Sea Chicken: [on TV] Cock-a-doodle-yum! [squacks] Rise and shine! We're the best restaurant in the sea!
  • Mr. Krabs: [jumps on Squidward, squishing him] Who dares lay claim to the title best restaurant in the sea?
  • Sea Chicken: [on TV] The Sea Chicken Shack!
  • Announcer: [on TV] Say, Mr. Sea Chicken, how's the flavor of that zesty sea chicken sandwich?
  • Sea Chicken: [on TV] It's im-peck-able! [squawks] So come on down to my Sea Chicken Shack, and don't forget the kids. [four kids come up to him and hang on him]
  • Mr. Krabs: Blimey, this is the first I've heard of this Mr. Sea Chicken. There goes me monopoly. But how did he lure away me loyal customers away so fast? SpongeBob, I need you to head over to the Sea Chicken Shack and see what's cookin'.
  • SpongeBob: You want me to go undercover?
  • Mr. Krabs: Uh, that won't be necessary, boy. Just look around, see how he's roping in all these customers.
  • SpongeBob: Understood, Mr. Krabs. [raises his arm and takes a picture with his armpit] How do you like my new armpit spy cam, huh? Huh?
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, I don't need a spy.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, and check this out—a special spy pen! Looks just like a regular pen, right? See? See? See? See? See? See? Just a pen, right? See?
  • Mr. Krabs: Right.
  • SpongeBob: Well, you'd be mistaken sir because this pen is also...a pencil. Hmm? Pretty sweet undercover spy stuff, huh, Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: Boy, stop this nonsense!
  • SpongeBob: You're right, sir. Who needs a spy pen when you are a master in the undercover arts? I blend in with the common man. Then, like a whisper, I am gone. [cut to Sea Chicken Shack where SpongeBob is in disguise] Yellow Scrubber to Big Red. Come in, Big Red.
  • Mr. Krabs: Just tell me what you see, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: I am inside. I repeat, I am inside. Nothing of interest to report so far. In fact, it's kind of dumpy. And customer safety... a little lax. [customer sits on a chair but it collapses] And it smells in here like a tuna bathed in algae after running a marathon.
  • Fish #23: [drenching in sweat after running a marathon] Oh, so it's a crime now to exercise.
  • Mr. Krabs: What about the food?
  • SpongeBob: I have infiltrated the line right now, and I'll report back once I obtained sample.
  • Cashier: Next.
  • SpongeBob: One of your finest sandwiches, please.
  • Cashier: I'm afraid I can't do that, sir. Please refer to our policy regarding dress.
  • SpongeBob: [reads policy] "Headbands equal no service." Barnacles! My disguises' only weakness-- [two employees grab SpongeBob and take him away] Whoa! Mayday, Big Red. Contact has not been established. Mission abort. Mission abort! [employees throw SpongeBob out] Yellow Scrubber to Big Red, I was not able to obtain any intel.
  • Mr. Krabs: Cut the spy lingo and just tell me, is there anything remarkable about the Sea Chicken Shack?
  • SpongeBob: Other than the faux dilapidation, not really.
  • Mr. Krabs: What you're describin' is an absolute dump. Are there any unique or interesting amenities that might attract me customers in any way?
  • SpongeBob: No. Great barrier reef!
  • Mr. Krabs: What is it, lad? What do you see?
  • SpongeBob: I see a huge statue depicting Mr. Sea Chicken and all his glory! [a bunch of kids are climbing on the giant statue]
  • Mr. Krabs: A statue? How does a statue steal me customers? [static on other end of radio] SpongeBob? SpongeBob? [he's taken his wristband radio off and is now climbing on the giant chicken statue] Of course, Mr. Sea Chicken, you mad trickster, you, cater to the kids and the parents will foll-er. [cut to later at Krusty Krab] Boys, we don't have much time, so I'm gonna make this short and sweet. I need an artist, someone with a vision...
  • Squidward: Oh, boy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Someone among us with a big talent...
  • Squidward: He's talking about me.
  • Mr. Krabs: Someone to create a glorious, towering statue of my likeness. You guys know anyone around here with an artistic bone in their body?
  • SpongeBob: [babbling] I do.
  • Mr. Krabs: Ooh, really? Who?
  • SpongeBob: Guess.
  • Mr. Krabs: Um, Larry the Lobster?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: Old Man Jenkins?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: 1-tooth Sally?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: My mom?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: Then who?
  • Squidward: For the love of all things briny, it's me!
  • SpongeBob: Correct.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, that's right, Squidward. You do dabble in the doodlin' doodly-doo.
  • Squidward: For those who care, I am nothing short of an artistic genius.
  • SpongeBob: Word.
  • Squidward: Unfortunately, that precludes me from doing any commercial pieces. Good-bye.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, now hold on, Mr. Squidward. You and I aren't that different from each other. We both "make product."
  • Squidward: Are you suggesting the Krabby Patties are art?
  • Mr. Krabs: Yes. Squidward, do you have any idea how many people come to the Krusty Krab every day?
  • Squidward: Oh, I don't know, 12?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, that's 12 more seeing your art than yesterday.
  • Squidward: [sighs] All right, Krabs, I'll do it. But I will need complete artistic control.
  • Mr. Krabs: You got it, long as it's done by opening tomorrow.
  • Squidward: Yes, tom—tomorrow!
  • Mr. Krabs: As advertised.
  • Squidward: I can't make a work for the ages overnight. Art does not march to a ticking clock. Art shall come when art is good and ready, sir.
  • Mr. Krabs: If you want the public to experience your cultural input, get it ready by 8:00am.
  • Squidward: I'll need an assistant.
  • Mr. Krabs: Here you go. [SpongeBob is Squidward's assistant]
  • Squidward: Fine. The first thing I need you to do, assistant, is get me a giant stone so that I may sculpt this masterpiece.
  • SpongeBob: Anything for the artiste.
  • Squidward: And don't dilly... [SpongeBob pushes a giant stone into the Krusty Krab] ...dally. Nice rock.
  • SpongeBob: Isn't it? I can't believe no one was using it. [SpongeBob took the rock from a museum, which collapses from not having the rock]
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna be rich.
  • Squidward: I'm gonna be famous.
  • SpongeBob: I'm gonna be Squidward's assistant giant rock fetcher. [cut to later where Mr. Krabs is posing for Squidward]
  • Squidward: Prepare to be immortalized in stone.
  • Mr. Krabs: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What do you think you're doing? I'm...shy.
  • Squidward: I am posing you! Did you think the sculpture was going to make itself? [shot of Mr. Krabs from behind] Don't you want the money this statue's going to bring in? [Mr. Krabs drops the towel]
  • Mr. Krabs: Like this?
  • Squidward: Nope.
  • Mr. Krabs: Or this? [poses with a bow and arrow)
  • Squidward: Nope.
  • Mr. Krabs: Or this? [poses with a golden discus]
  • Squidward: Nope.
  • Mr. Krabs: Or this? [poses as the thinker]
  • Squidward: Nope.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, come on, Squidward. [sniffs his armpits]
  • Squidward: Mm. [gets an idea] Hold that pose! Don't move a muscle. [chuckles]
  • Mr. Krabs: How long am I gonna have to stay like this?
  • Squidward: As long as it takes. [Squidward uses various tools for sculpting. SpongeBob poses for a bit but Squidward sends him away. Mr. Krabs grows tired of the post but SpongeBob helps him out by putting a spoon and fork under his arms to help them stay up. Cut to next morning where Squidward gets finished with the sculpture and sighs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Come on, Squidward, I'm about to give out!
  • Squidward: All done. [the spoon and fork break into pieces and Mr. Krab's left arm snaps]
  • Mr. Krabs: Okay, let's see it!
  • Squidward: Make sure you wear sunglasses, or you may be blinded by my genius.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, just show me. [Squidward pulls back the curtain]
  • Squidward: Voila! [Mr. Krabs frowns after looking it then shatters into pieces]
  • Mr. Krabs: What's that supposed to be?
  • Squidward: This is a masterpiece.
  • Mr. Krabs: I don't have a mouth in my stomach.
  • Squidward: It represents the gaping, mashing maw of consumerism and the endless cavern it creates within us all. I call it Oppression.
  • Mr. Krabs: Whatever that means. But is it safe for kids to play on?
  • Squidward: This is art, not a swing set!
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, we should do a dry run before we let the general public use it. SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Reporting for duty, sir!
  • Mr. Krabs: I'm gonna need you to frolic and play on this here doohickey thingy.
  • Squidward: It is not a doohickey, it's art!
  • SpongeBob: I read you loud and clear, captain. Loud and clear. [swings on the statue's nose and it falls on top of him] Wow, this is heavy.
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward! I can't let kids play on that—that—that weapon. I'm gonna get my pants sued off.
  • Squidward: What, you wanted a piece or art and that's what you got.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh it's a piece all right, a piece of junk!
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if I may be allowed to float an idea.
  • Mr. Krabs: Did you hear something? [cut to Mr. Krabs being painted golden and having kids climb on him] Oh, how long do I have to stay like this?
  • Squidward: As long as you're wanting to sell this many patties. [Mr. Krabs groans]
  • SpongeBob: I think you look really good, sir. You're golden! [laughs]

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