Squidward: Okay, would you like any fries with that?
Customer #1: Uh, [turns around to the other customers] Hey, if I get some kelp fries, would you guys share them with me?
Jimmy: Do we know you?
Customer #1:[turns back to Squidward] Two orders of kelp fries, please.
Squidward: And two orders of--
Customer #1: I only said one order.
Squidward: But you said "two."
Customer #1: Okay, I'll have two.
Squidward:[takes out a ticket for the customers' order] SpongeBob, order up. [all the tickets are stuck in the window. sighs] Welcome to The Krusty-- [all the tickets get shot out and Squidward walks in the kitchen] SpongeBob, what in Neptune's... [sees that SpongeBob's body can't move] SpongeBob? [pushes him back and forth and hat tips over. touches spatula] Well, his spatula's still warm. [pokes his eye] Well, SpongeBob. I must admit this is strange behavior, even for you.
Mr. Krabs:[shows up in the kitchen] Ahoy, Squidward. [sees SpongeBob] Good Neptune, SpongeBob. what has gotten into to you, son?
Squidward: I think he's in some kind of self-induced trance.
Mr. Krabs: No, Squidward. this is worse. he's got the thousand-yard stare. I had it once meself back in me service days. [shakes SpongeBob] What is it, lad? Quick, we're losing money! [SpongeBob's hat falls off and Mr. Krabs picks up what's in it] It's the boy's tiny calendar. And he has circled today's date. [reads the date on the 23rd] "Important Food Critic visits Krusty Krab."
Squidward: That's what's causing all this? Only a complete moron would worry about what some critic has to say. [both Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are quivering] I rest my case. [the doors get pushed away and a fish version of Gene Shalit named "Gene Scallop" enters and sniffs the air in the restaurant] Hey, in or out, mister. You're lettering out the A.C. [the fish stares at Squidward] Weirdo.
Mr. Krabs: Why hello. You're the television food critic Gene Scallop, aren't you? Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Eugene Krabs, owner and proprietor of this fine... [Gene Scallop walks away and up to Squidward]
Squidward: Well, do you want to order something or do you just want to block my reading light?
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you just drove away Gene Scallop. Don't you know our lives depend on his review?
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, the only thing my life depends on is going home at 6:00. [Mr. Krabs walks over to Gene Scallop]
Mr. Krabs: M-- Mr. Scallop, wait, please. Before you go, come on, sit down. Try one of our delicious Krabby Patties. It's absolutely-- [spits while trying to say, "free"] Complimentary. [cut to SpongeBob squirting mustard on Mr. Scallop's patty then putting the bun on] Okay, SpongeBob, that'll be all. [SpongeBob lifts up his hat then puts it back down and leaves] He's nobody. [Gene takes the Krabby Patty and takes one bite then leaves without saying a word] We're doomed! [cut to news on the TV as cats meow]
Barbara: And there were no survivors.
Bob: Thank you, Barbara.
Barbara: Thank you, Bob.
Squidward: She is so tacky.
Bob: And now it's time for "Bottom Feeding" with Gene Scallop.
Mr. Krabs: Turn it up, Squidward. [Squidward turns it up]
Gene Scallop: Thank you, Bob. This week, I visited—
Bob: You're welcome, Gene.
Gene Scallop:[clears throat and moves his glasses] This week, I reviewed The Krusty Krab restaurant, a local burger joint that's second to none; or should I say second to "run," since this critic wanted to make like a banana and peel out the minute he saw how drab this Krab really was.
Barbara: That bad, huh Gene?
Gene Scallop: Barbara, once I stuck my beak through that door, my appetite flew South for the winter. I mean, I'm not "kidding" when I saw this restaurant smells like the rear-end of a goat. [customers smell the aroma, and a gas noise is heard]
Bob: And how was the service, Gene?
Gene Scallop: You could find livelier help in a graveyard and I'm not just "coffin." [two customers are whispering to each other] The management stunk so bad, I had to get my sweater dry cleaned on the way home... with me in it. [customers start mumbling and walking out]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, no, wait! Wait!!!
Gene Scallop:[too close to Barbara and Bob] However, at the end of my visit, I chowed down on a meal that titillated my taste buds and gratified my gullet. That Sponge behind the grill is no square when it comes to cooking. [excited talking as the customers rush to sit down at their tables for some food] If Krabs really wanted to soak up the dough, he'd sponge it up, he'd sponge it out, he'd oversponge it. You can never have too much Sponge. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Well, back to work.
Mr. Krabs: Ay, ay-ay-ay-ay... That's me boy, SpongeBob. That's me boy. [SpongeBob walks in the kitchen as a dollar sign while register rings keep sounding. Cut to a line of fish lined up at The Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: La, la, la, la, la, la! Wow. [Mr. Krabs is working on putting a new sign called "The Krusty Sponge"]
Mr. Krabs: Okay, a little lower, lower-- that's perfect.
SpongeBob: Good morning, sir. What's with the new sign?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, just making a few cosmetic changes.
SpongeBob: Oh. you mean like when Squidward had that mole taken of his--
Mr. Krabs: Umm-- yeah, a little bit like that. [cut to inside The Krusty Sponge where SpongeBob walks past Squidward, dressed in a SpongeBob costume with a sign behind saying "As Seen on TV"]
SpongeBob: Morning, Squidward. Ooh! Squidward, where did you find those shoes? [Squidward hisses at SpongeBob]
Tyler: Look, it's him! [walks up to Squidward] Mr. SquarePants, can I have your autograph?
Tyler: But, why?
Squidward: Well, the first reason is, I have no use of my arms. see? [shakes his arms, but accidentally hits Tyler]
Mr. Krabs: Hey, what's going on over here?
Tyler: He hit me. just because I wanted his autograph.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! I'm sorry, little girl. Of course you can have his autograph-- for $5.
Tyler: What a rip. [walks away. grumbles madly, goes to table]
Mr. Krabs: Look at these, Squidward! [holds up napkins that have SpongeBob's face on them]
Squidward: Looks like some horrific shroud.
Mr. Krabs: They're our new Krusty Sponge napkins! Extra absorbent.
Squidward: You really need to see a doctor.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that reminds me, Squidward. I need you to unpack these boxes. [points to a stack of boxes that say "KK" on them]
Squidward: What's in them?
Mr. Krabs:[takes out two bottles that have SpongeBob's face as a label and red nozzles] Condiments. We got "Tangy Spongy Sauce" and "Mild Bobby Sauce" for the not-so-daring.
Squidward: Oh, clever. [SpongeBob runs up to Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: Captain! My spatula's missing, sir!
Mr. Krabs: I got it right here. Here you go, Squidward. [sticks it into the costume's forehead] You're on grill duty now.
Squidward: But that's SpongeBob's job!
Mr. Krabs: Don't worry, Squidward. I got something else lined up for him. [cut to SpongeBob as the engineer in the train that is going around The Krusty Krab] Step right up, folks! Take a ride on The Krusty Sponge Fun Train. Tickets are only $1.98. Seatbelts not included. [everyone cheers. cut to the kitchen, where Squidward is looking at the spatula that is on the grill]
Squidward: Okay, how am I going to do this now? Umm-- [grunts while trying to get the spatula. hits it with one of the costume arms and hits himself in the forehead sending him back into pots and pans] Mommy, is that you? [outside, SpongeBob is tired pedaling the train]
SpongeBob: Okay, Mr. Krabs. I really think I should be getting back to the grill, now.
Mr. Krabs: Are you kidding, lad? Just look at these paying customers! [uses the megaphone] Who's ready for another lap? [everyone cheers] Keep on truckin' SpongeBob. I've got some important business to see to in me office. [cut to Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, entering Mr. Krabs' office]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs? Uh, this is a bad time, isn't it? [Mr. Krabs is bathing in his money]
Mr. Krabs: No.
Squidward: Well, there are some men out back with a delivery and want you to sign.
Mr. Krabs: Okay, Tell them I'll be right out.
Squidward: Got it. [as he turns around, he hits his head on the top of the door entrance] Ow. [mutters]
Mr. Krabs: And let's watch the language, Squidward. [cut to Mr. Krabs signing for the packages]
Joe: Just sign here, here and here.
Mr. Krabs: My pleasure.
Squidward: What the heck is this stuff?
Mr. Krabs: I'm glad you asked. We got SpongeBob drinking straws-- [shows a green straw with SpongeBob in the middle] coasters-- [holds up two coasters with SpongeBob's face on them] bibs-- [holds up a bib with SpongeBob's face on it that says "I soiled myself at The Krusty Sponge"] and me personal favorite, SpongeBob ice cubes! [shows them but melt away] Aww.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, don't you think you might be taking all this a little bit too far?
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, SpongeBob. I'll be in me SpongeBob if you SpongeBob me. [walks away. cut to Squidward flipping a patty and laughing] Whoops! [sets three boxes down on the floor] There you go, Squidward.
Squidward: Now what?
Mr. Krabs: Oh, you're going to love this. Spongy Patties. [shows a yellow patty with green holes]
Squidward: Spongy Patties?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. I want you to start using them instead of the other ones. [tosses one on the grill]
Squidward: Where'd you get them?
Mr. Krabs: They were just in the boxes of patties we didn't have room for in the freezer. They turned yellow. Got to keep those SpongeBob ice cubes somewhere, you know.
Squidward: You mean to tell me you actually expect people to pay $1.98 for a rotten patty?
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're right! All this instant success must be scrambling my brains! We'll make them $2.98. [shuts the kitchen door. cut to SpongeBob blowing the whistle on the Fun Train but really tired]
SpongeBob: All aboard.
Peterson: Hey, we didn't pay $3.00 to watch you take a nap.
Sally: That's the worst SpongeBob costume I've ever seen. [all the passengers chant] Ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride, ride! [SpongeBob sneaks away and takes the statue of himself, where Billy is going to get a picture by a camera by Harold, and puts it in his seat of the Fun Train then squeezes through the doors of The Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy. what a day. What's next? A zombie invasion? [screams after Buddy, Bill, Tina, Sadie, Sandals and Frank with green holes walking around like zombies] Mr. Krabs, open up! We're being attacked by a bunch of zombies that look like me.
Mr. Krabs: Uh, go away, please, I'm busy.
SpongeBob: Please, you don't understand! They're all splotchy and yellow with distended bellies. [screams as the zombies walk towards him] Open up, open up, open up, open up. [bangs on the door hard enough to where it collapses on the floor]
Mr. Krabs: Who? [Mr. Krabs is dressed in a nice shirt with a pile of money in the chair across from him]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob-- [gasps] Great Neptune's mother's stockings! Zombies-- they're here to eat me money. [tries to go back into his office but SpongeBob grabs him]
SpongeBob: Wait! They're not zombies, Mr. Krabs. They're your customers-- look. [two fish are sitting at the table. One is yellow with green holes and the other one is normal-looking]
Sandals:[groans] I ate this yellow Krabby Patty and now I feel sick.
Bailiff: Krabby Patty? [takes a bite and spits out then walks up to Mr. Krabs] Man, you've got some serious problems. If you're trying to pass that off as a Krabby Patty--
Mr. Krabs: It's a... It's a Spongy Patty. [Bailiff turns yellow with green holes]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what have you done? You poisoned all these people.
Mr. Krabs: No! But... I just... just... I can explain, I... [Mr. Krabs looks down at his wrists because they are in handcuffs] What the...?
Bailiff:[shows his police badge] Tell it to the judge, Krabs. [cut to the courtroom]
Guard: Calling the courtroom to attention in the case "People of Bikini Bottom vs. Mr. Krabs". The honorable Judge Horace A. Whopper presiding.
Judge Horace A. Whopper:[clears throat] Has the jury reached a verdict? [jury is all yellow with green holes. Gene Scallop stands up and is yellow with green holes, too]
Gene Scallop:[along with angry fish, except Tina who is not angry] We have, your honor. We the jury find the defendant, Eugene A. Krabs, guilty of all charges.
Judge Horace A. Whopper: Very well. Does the defendant have anything to say before we send him down the river?
Mr. Krabs:[sadly] No, your honor.
Judge Horace A. Whopper: Very well. [bangs the SpongeBob gavel down. When he does, it laughs]
Mr. Krabs: Eh, hang on a second there, judge. That wouldn't happen to be a SpongeBob gavel you're using?
Judge Horace A. Whopper: Oh, why, yes. It's my prized possession. I am a huge SpongeBob fan.
Mr. Krabs: Permission to approach the bench, your honor! [cut to a patty being flipped on the grill]
SpongeBob: Sure is glad to be back behind the grill where I belong, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: It's good to have you back, boy. Let's see how Squidward's enjoying his new position. [outside, Squidward, still in the SpongeBob costume, is giving the judge a ride on the Fun Train. The judge has a whip in his hand] Take him around as many times as you like.
Judge Horace A. Whopper: I just might have to take you up on that. [winks and cracks his whip so Squidward goes faster]
Mr. Krabs:[sighs] I love a happy ending.
[screen goes blank as the whip cracks at the background]