[episode begins at Krusty Krab with SpongeBob in the kitchen]
SpongeBob: Order up! (rings bell 3 times)
Mr. Krabs: How's it looking out there, boy?
SpongeBob: Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: I ain't interested in same old regulars, SpongeBob! So I took out an ad in the Bikini Bottom Examiner to bring in some new customers! Twas a bargain too. (SpongeBob takes a magnifying glass and looks at it) Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, boy. How many new customers we got out there so far?
SpongeBob: Oooh, let me see there was... none.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT? What do you mean none? Don't these people read the paper? [walks outside to the newspaper carriers, blows on one] Oooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. [notices the other one, and there is a long line] While that paper's selling like Krabby Patties. Uh, pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?
Nat: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts! [opens newspaper door] The Bottomfeeder's where it's at! It's got like interesting stories and stuff.
Mr. Krabs:[reading the newspaper] "Fishboy Strikes Again?" [not reading] Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
Nat: I don't know. But they're selling!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, they certainly are. [lady puts in coin to get a newspaper] Please, allow me. [Mr. Krabs opens newspaper door]
Abigail: Thank you!
Mr. Krabs: No, thank you. [closes newspaper door] Now let's see how much they charge for advertising. [screams] 25¢ PER WORD! The newspaper business sure is easy money! [Mr. Krab's shell cracks and underneath it is his body, but in money form] That gives me an idea! [The money falls out of place. Scene cuts to the next day at the Krusty Krab as SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Squiddy?
Squidward: Yep, what another wonderful hum-drum day slinging burgers. (SpongeBob walks into the kitchen but hits his face on something.)
Mr. Krabs: Off of your duff, boy. You think I spent all last night assembling this printing press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear 2 hats. 'Cause along with your usual fry cooking duties, you're my new lead reporter for the new Krabby Kronicle! (A press badge on SpongeBob is shown)
SpongeBob: Oh! My very own press badge!
Mr. Krabs: That's right boy! And here's your very own camera! So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waiting for, boy? (cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street)
SpongeBob: On the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kind of story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. (there is a bank robbery going on, two tough fish destroying someone's boat with fire in the background, and a monster) No news to report here. Stop the presses, it's Patrick! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for! (takes a picture of Patrick) Patrick Star, I'm scoop SquarePants from the Krabby Kronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Patrick: Oh, I'm not taking a bus SpongeBob. I am watching this pole. So the next time it moves, I will see it!
SpongeBob: Whoa, this story is juicy! (cuts to the Krusty Krab where there is a sign that says "The KRABBY KRONICLE" on it. SpongeBob is writing on the typewriter, then puts it in a pile of papers, then finished the headline for the paper, then puts it in the printing press. Mr. Krabs walks in)
Mr. Krabs: What a money-tastical day! Eh, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.
Mr. Krabs: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too.
Squidward: We haven't sold any papers today. (as SpongeBob drives a wheelbarrow of newspapers)
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers? Certainly this gentlemen would like a copy of the Krabby Kronicle.
Frank: Looks boring. Can I just have a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: Too boring? (looks at paper)SPONGEBOB!!!!!(The KRABBY KRONICLE sign on the Krusty Krab shakes) What's the meaning of this?
SpongeBob: Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: "Local Resident Watches Pole?" No ones gonna pay to read this malarkey! When you write these stories, you've gotta use a little imagination, boy.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Maybe instead of "Man Watches Pole," you could say something like... oh... "Man Marries Pole." Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and, see? (Mr. Krabs modified it to look like what he said) Now that's a juicy story!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?
Mr. Krabs: Don't think of it as lying, boy. Think of it as... uh... a practical joke. You know. Something everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want you to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! (cuts to an intersection, and SpongeBob is hiding behind a trash can. Mrs. Puff pulls up, and then a policeman pulls up behind here. SpongeBob takes a picture, and both of them look around)
SpongeBob: (laughs) Mrs. Puff is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! (cuts to a newspaper that says "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase")
Mr. Krabs: "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, boy! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! (everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Squidward hands Harold a copy)
SpongeBob: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.
Mr. Krabs: That's called editorial privilege, son. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story, possibly affect Mrs. Puff in any way? (cuts to Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mrs. Puff: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business! (cuts to SpongeBob hiding in a chimney, looking through binoculars)
SpongeBob: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Larry the Lobster. Hmm, wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles. (goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster) Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. (Larry walks up to Frankie)
Frankie: Larry, hey, tough guy? Can I punch you in the gut?
Larry: Sure. Everybody does. It won't hurt me a bit. (Frankie punches him, and SpongeBob takes a picture, then one of him putting his arms on his chest, then Larry laughs) Told you it wouldn't hurt.
Frankie: Thanks big guy.
Larry: See ya' round.
SpongeBob: (writes on paper) Very interesting... (cuts to a gym, and the teacher is pushing Larry out)
Gym Teacher: Out! Out! Out!
Larry: Hey, what's the big idea?
Gym Teacher: This! (hand him the newspaper)
Larry: (reading) "Larry the Loser Gets Beaten Up by Pipsqueak?" (not reading) But, but, but...
Gym Teacher: No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! (throws him out, then SpongeBob walks up)
SpongeBob: Hello, Larry.
Larry: Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
SpongeBob: Ruined? What are you talking about?
Larry: These lies someone wrote about me. (shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. (hands fish the paper)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a word with you?
Mr. Krabs: Make it quick, boy. These papers are selling faster then we can print 'em!
SpongeBob: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Mr. Krabs: Well, they're certainly doing me some good. (shows him his office, where there is a lot of money) Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! (sits in a pile of money)
SpongeBob: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, you just don't get it, do you boy? We're not hurting anyone. We're just making their lives interesting, for everybody else. (pushes SpongeBob out) Now get out there, and fetch another story! (cuts to the Chum Bucket, and Plankton walks out of the kitchen with a Chum Stick)
Plankton: Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business!
Health Inspector: I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
Plankton: Why? I haven't done anything.
Health Inspector: (flatly chuckling) That's not what this says. (shows Plankton the paper)
Plankton: (reading) "Plankton's Chum Made of Your Chums? The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one?" (not reading) What?!? (The Health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket) Who's to blame for this? Who?!?(SpongeBob is watching, and then walks away, scene then cuts to a long line, and Mr. Krabs is in his office with more money)
Mr. Krabs: You're reaching new levels of imagination, boy-o!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I... I know.
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong. boy? You sick or something?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs, you could say that.
Mr. Krabs: Don't be silly, boy! We're a success!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, baloney! You better start feeling right! 'Cause if you don't, you can just kiss your spatular goodbye!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you wouldn't!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, darn tootin' I would! Now get out there, and bring me a juicy one!
SpongeBob: (sadly) Aye-aye, sir. (cuts to Sandy picking acorns, and is about to eat one, then she notices two fish carrying a box with awards in it)
Sandy: Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome.
Dennis: I had no idea it talked. Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? (holds up newspaper)
Fish 2: It can't even read. Why are you...?
Sandy: Oh, give me that! (reading) "Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed braniac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants?" (not reading) That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me?!?
Dennis: Oh boy... We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! (the two scientists run away while Sandy in grunting, the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where there is a huge line, and a sign that says over 5 billion copies sold, and Mr. Krabs has even more money, and is in his office with SpongeBob, and is laughing)
Mr. Krabs: You've really outdone yourself this time! (his eyes water up, and SpongeBob absorbs it, and Mr. Krabs squeezes it out)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.
Mr. Krabs: Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!
SpongeBob: I've seen people's lives ruined, with my own eyes!
Mr. Krabs: People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!
SpongeBob: Gee Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Surprise me! Give me a shocker! (throws him in his chair) Good night boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning. And remember, the wildest story ever! (leaves)
SpongeBob: Oh, the wildest story ever, huh? (starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in)
Mr. Krabs: How's it going, lad? (SpongeBob turns around, and he is very tired)
SpongeBob: Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise.
Mr. Krabs: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. (runs outside, and there is an angry mob) Huh?
Mr. Krabs: What's going on?
Martha: You should know! (shows him the newspaper)
Mr. Krabs: (reading) "Krabs Overworks Employees? Reaps Reward? Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough?!?"
Martha: How could you do that to such an innocent child?!? This is sick and inhumane!
Sandy: Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
Plankton: I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil...
Larry: All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! (cries)
Mrs. Puff: And I've had to go back to watching... (starts to cry) daytime television!
Martha: Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! (everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction)
Mr. Krabs: No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!(starts to cry)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay?
Mr. Krabs: How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! (cries then sighs) It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. (notices the printing press) Or does it? (puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money) Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination!
Patrick: (while wearing fancy clothes) Hey guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? (Patrick's "wife," is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier, then the episode ends)