[episode begins at Krusty Krab with SpongeBob in the kitchen]
SpongeBob: Order up! [rings bell 3 times]
Mr. Krabs: How's it looking out there, boy?
SpongeBob: Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: I ain't interested in same old regulars, SpongeBob! So I took out an ad in the Bikini Bottom Examiner to bring in some new customers! Twas a bargain too. [SpongeBob takes a magnifying glass and looks at it] Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, boy. How many new customers we got out there so far?
SpongeBob: Oooh, let me see there was... none.
Mr. Krabs: WHAT? What do you mean none? Don't these people read the paper? [walks outside to the newspaper carriers, blows on one] Oooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. [notices the other one, and there is a long line] While that paper's selling like Krabby Patties. Uh, pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?
Nat: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts! [opens newspaper door] The Bottomfeeder's where it's at! It's got like interesting stories and stuff.
Mr. Krabs:[reading the newspaper] "Fishboy Strikes Again?" [not reading] Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
Nat: I don't know. But they're selling!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, they certainly are. [lady puts in coin to get a newspaper] Please, allow me. [Mr. Krabs opens newspaper door]
Abigail: Thank you!
Mr. Krabs: No, thank you. [closes newspaper door] Now let's see how much they charge for advertising. [screams] 25¢ PER WORD! The newspaper business sure is easy money! [Mr. Krab's shell cracks and underneath it is his body, but in money form] That gives me an idea! [The money falls out of place. Scene cuts to the next day at the Krusty Krab as SpongeBob walks in.]
SpongeBob: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Squiddy?
Squidward: Yep, what another wonderful hum-drum day slinging burgers. (SpongeBob walks into the kitchen but hits his face on something.)
Mr. Krabs: Off of your duff, boy. You think I spent all last night assembling this printing press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear 2 hats. 'Cause along with your usual fry cooking duties, you're my new lead reporter for the new Krabby Kronicle! [A press badge on SpongeBob is shown]
SpongeBob: Oh! My very own press badge!
Mr. Krabs: That's right boy! And here's your very own camera! So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waiting for, boy? [cuts to SpongeBob walking down the street]
SpongeBob: On the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kind of story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. [there is a bank robbery going on, two tough fish destroying someone's boat with fire in the background, and a monster] No news to report here. Stop the presses, it's Patrick! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for! [takes a picture of Patrick] Patrick Star, I'm scoop SquarePants from the Krabby Kronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Patrick: Oh, I'm not taking a bus SpongeBob. I am watching this pole. So the next time it moves, I will see it!
SpongeBob: Whoa, this story is juicy! [cuts to the Krusty Krab where there is a sign that says "The KRABBY KRONICLE" on it. SpongeBob is writing on the typewriter, then puts it in a pile of papers, then finished the headline for the paper, then puts it in the printing press. Mr. Krabs walks in]
Mr. Krabs: What a money-tastical day! Eh, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.
Mr. Krabs: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too.
Squidward: We haven't sold any papers today. [as SpongeBob drives a wheelbarrow of newspapers]
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers? Certainly this gentlemen would like a copy of the Krabby Kronicle.
Frank: Looks boring. Can I just have a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: Too boring? [looks at paper]SPONGEBOB!!!!![The KRABBY KRONICLE sign on the Krusty Krab shakes] What's the meaning of this?
SpongeBob: Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: "Local Resident Watches Pole?" No one's gonna pay to read this malarkey! When you write these stories, you've gotta use a little imagination, boy.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Maybe instead of "Man Watches Pole," you could say something like... oh... "Man Marries Pole." Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and, see? [Mr. Krabs modified it to look like what he said] Now that's a juicy story!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?
Mr. Krabs: Don't think of it as lying, boy. Think of it as... uh... a practical joke. You know. Something everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want you to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! [cuts to an intersection, and SpongeBob is hiding behind a trash can. Mrs. Puff pulls up, and then a policeman pulls up behind here. SpongeBob takes a picture, and both of them look around]
SpongeBob:[laughs] Mrs. Puff is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! [cuts to a newspaper that says "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase"]
Mr. Krabs: "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, boy! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! [everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Squidward hands Harold a copy]
SpongeBob: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.
Mr. Krabs: That's called editorial privilege, son. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story, possibly affect Mrs. Puff in any way? [cuts to Mrs. Puff's Boating School]
Mrs. Puff: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business! [cuts to SpongeBob hiding in a chimney, looking through binoculars]
SpongeBob: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Larry the Lobster. Hmm, wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles. [goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster] Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. [Larry walks up to Frankie]
Frankie: Larry, hey, tough guy? Can I punch you in the gut?
Larry: Sure. Everybody does. It won't hurt me a bit. [Frankie punches him, and SpongeBob takes a picture, then one of him putting his arms on his chest, then Larry laughs] Told you it wouldn't hurt.
Frankie: Thanks big guy.
Larry: See ya' round.
SpongeBob:[writes on paper] Very interesting... [cuts to a gym, and the teacher is pushing Larry out]
Gym Teacher: Out! Out! Out!
Larry: Hey, what's the big idea?
Gym Teacher: This! [hand him the newspaper]
Larry: [reading] "Larry the Loser Gets Beaten Up by Pipsqueak?" [not reading] But, but, but...
Gym Teacher: No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! [throws him out, then SpongeBob walks up]
SpongeBob: Hello, Larry.
Larry: Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!
SpongeBob: Ruined? What are you talking about?
Larry: These lies someone wrote about me. [shows him the paper, and SpongeBob gasps. Scene cuts to the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. [hands fish the paper]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a word with you?
Mr. Krabs: Make it quick, boy. These papers are selling faster then we can print 'em!
SpongeBob: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Mr. Krabs: Well, they're certainly doing me some good. [shows him his office, where there is a lot of money] Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! [sits in a pile of money]
SpongeBob: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, you just don't get it, do you boy? We're not hurting anyone. We're just making their lives interesting, for everybody else. [pushes SpongeBob out] Now get out there, and fetch another story! [cuts to the Chum Bucket, and Plankton walks out of the kitchen with a Chum Stick]
Plankton: Oh, Karen! I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business!
Health Inspector: I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
Plankton: Why? I haven't done anything.
Health Inspector: [flatly chuckling] That's not what this says. [shows Plankton the paper]
Plankton: [reading] "Plankton's Chum Made of Your Chums? The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways than one?" [not reading] What?!? [The Health inspector locks down the Chum Bucket] Who's to blame for this? Who?!? [SpongeBob is watching, and then walks away, scene then cuts to a long line, and Mr. Krabs is in his office with more money]
Mr. Krabs: You're reaching new levels of imagination, boy-o!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I... I know.
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong. boy? You sick or something?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs, you could say that.
Mr. Krabs: Don't be silly, boy! We're a success!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, baloney! You better start feeling right! 'Cause if you don't, you can just kiss your spatular goodbye!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you wouldn't!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, darn tootin' I would! Now get out there, and bring me a juicy one!
SpongeBob:[sadly] Aye-aye, sir. [cuts to Sandy picking acorns, and is about to eat one, then she notices two fish carrying a box with awards in it]
Sandy: Sorry, fellars, this is a private treedome.
Dennis: I had no idea it talked. Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? [holds up newspaper]
Sally: It can't even read. Why are you...?
Sandy: Oh, give me that! [reading] "Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump? Bushy tailed brainiac really a slow-witted squirrel, by... SpongeBob SquarePants?" [not reading] That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me?!?
Dennis: Oh boy... We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! [the two scientists run away while Sandy in grunting, the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where there is a huge line, and a sign that says over 5 billion copies sold, and Mr. Krabs has even more money, and is in his office with SpongeBob, and is laughing]
Mr. Krabs: You've really outdone yourself this time! [his eyes water up, and SpongeBob absorbs it, and Mr. Krabs squeezes it out]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.
Mr. Krabs: Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!
SpongeBob: I've seen people's lives ruined, with my own eyes!
Mr. Krabs: People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!
SpongeBob: Gee Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Surprise me! Give me a shocker! [throws him in his chair] Good night boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning. And remember, the wildest story ever! [leaves]
SpongeBob: Oh, the wildest story ever, huh? [starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Krabs runs in]
Mr. Krabs: How's it going, lad? [SpongeBob turns around, and he is very tired]
SpongeBob: Ahh-ahh, it's a surprise.
Mr. Krabs: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. [runs outside, and there is an angry mob] Huh?
Mr. Krabs: What's going on?
Martha: You should know! [shows him the newspaper]
Mr. Krabs: [reading] "Krabs Overworks Employees? Reaps Reward? Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough?!?"
Martha: How could you do that to such an innocent child?!? This is sick and inhumane!
Sandy: Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!
Plankton: I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil...
Larry: All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! [cries]
Mrs. Puff: And I've had to go back to watching... [starts to cry] daytime television!
Martha: Oh, that's it! We're taking our money back! [everyone runs in, and takes bags of money while leaving a trail of destruction]
Mr. Krabs: No! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!![starts to cry]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay?
Mr. Krabs: How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! [cries then sighs] It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. [notices the printing press] Or does it? [puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money] Get me some scissors, boy-o! It's time to use my imagination!
Patrick:[while wearing fancy clothes] Hey guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? [Patrick's "wife," is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier, then the episode ends]