Squidward:[Squidward winces, then scowls] That's Tentacles! [takes pet cage and slams the door shut]
SpongeBob: Squidward's last name is Tentacles?
Patrick: Poor guy. [Squidward walks out with a new snail with a bow on her shell] Hey, check out Squidward's new snail.
SpongeBob:[whistles as Squidward frowns] Fancy. So that's what came in the mail. Looks like Gary has a new little playmate.
Squidward: Pfft, dream on, SpongeBob. [holding his snail smugly] I wouldn't let Snellie here play with that mongrel mutt. She's a purebred.
Patrick: Wow, a snail made out of bread.
Squidward: No! Purebred means she is of the highest pedigree. See? [holds up a certificate] She even has her own papers. So if you'll excuse us, Snellie has to start her training.
Squidward: For Bikini Bottom's snail race. Snellie will be winning this Sunday.
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I can't enter Gary in that. Sunday's laundry day!
Squidward: No, SpongeBob. You can't enter Gary because Gary's a mutt. [Gary is shown looking like a hillbilly with a chimney in his shell]
SpongeBob: Boy, you got that right. Gary's no... [scowls] hey! What makes you so sure Gary couldn't win that race? [Squidward shows the certificate again]
Squidward: Papers. [Patrick walks up and reads it]
Patrick: Hmmm, 'Property of Squidward Tentpoles.'
Squidward: That's Tennisballs... de-derr, Tentacles! Come on, Snellie. [walks off]
SpongeBob: You know what? I'm starting to get the idea that Squidward thinks his snail is better than mine.
SpongeBob: Patrick, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Patrick: Yeah, I should get a snail and enter it in that race and beat Squidward! [Patrick runs off]
SpongeBob: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use. [scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street]
Sandy: Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow. [scene cuts to SpongeBob opening a can]
SpongeBob: Kelp powder for muscle mass. [drops the food in a blender as Gary looks on with disgust] Raw eggs, 'cause they're cliché. [drops the eggs in the blender] And nails for toughness. [drops the nails in the blender. Turns on the blender]
SpongeBob: Of course, I expect you to eat this. [SpongeBob pours some of the blended food into a glass] It's scientifically designed to help you win tomorrow. Gary? [Gary is already out of the room through his snail door. SpongeBob stops his stopwatch] Wow, pretty good time.
Patrick:[holding a rock] Hey SpongeBob, check out my new snail.
SpongeBob: Patrick, your snail is a rock.
Patrick: Yeah, thanks, I know. He's got nerves of steel. See you at the big race. [walks off]
SpongeBob: Boy, the competition's getting tough. [walks over to Gary watching TV] That's it, Gary. [takes out a leash] We are going to start some serious training right now.
SpongeBob:[puts the leash on Gary. Gary tries to stretch his eyes to watching the TV as long as he can before he's pulled out of the room] Alright Gary, let's start with some sprints. [holds up a stopwatch] On your mark. Get set. Go! Go Gary, go! Come on, go, Gary! It's all yours, Gary! [SpongeBob notices Gary is not there] Gary? [SpongeBob walks up to Gary, who is watching more TV] Come on Gary, the big race is tomorrow. You got to start training if you want to win.
Squidward:[pops his head in SpongeBob's lower window] Don't waste your breath, SpongeBob. That mongrel of yours doesn't have a chance against Snellie.
Patrick:[pops his head in SpongeBob's upper window] Excuse me, but you two seem to be forgetting who the real winner will be... my snail. [shows his rock]
Squidward: Patrick, that's a rock.
Patrick: Yeah, thanks. I know. He's got nerves of steel.
Squidward: What are you standing on, anyway? [scene shows Patrick standing on Squidward's back] Like I said, don't even bother showing up tomorrow. [Squidward walks off as Patrick pops his head in the lower window]
Patrick: My snail's really got Squidward scared, huh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Sorry Patrick, Gary and I have got some serious work to do. [picks up Gary and walks off]
Patrick: You can run, but you can't hide, SquarePants! [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Gary outside]
SpongeBob: Alright Gary, no more fooling around. Time to get serious. [scene cuts to SpongeBob blowing on a whistle] Come on, Gary, move it! [scene cuts to Gary crawling up and down a wall] Up, up, up, up! Down, down, down, down! [scene cuts to Gary punching a punching bag with his eyes] Faster, faster, faster! Go, go, go! [scene cuts to SpongeBob following Gary on his bike] Come on, push it, Gary, push it! [scene cuts to Gary on the toilet] Move that shell! [scene cuts to Gary in the bathtub with SpongeBob looking through the curtains] Come on, Gary, move it! [scene cuts to Gary eating] Let's go, let's go, let's go! Faster! [scene cuts to nighttime. Gary is on an exercise wheel while SpongeBob is sleeping but giving orders at the same time] Let's go, let's go! Speed it up, speed it up, speed it up! Move it, Gary! Move it, move it, move it, move it... [scene cuts to morning, where Gary is tired, out of breath, and on a leash] Stroke, stroke, stroke, stroke. [Gary is pulling SpongeBob in a wagon] Come on, Gary, we're gonna be late for the big race! [scene cuts to an announcer]
Nat: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to our live coverage of this year's annual spring classic, the 102nd Running of the Snail. And what a beautiful day for this sport of kings, of which I am a huge fan. Seriously, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open.
Perch Perkins: Hey, what are you doing?! [Nat runs away as the announcer comes and sits down] Heh, sorry about that, folks. Let's go down to the field to join the mayor for the pre-game ceremony. [scene cuts to a large fish standing by a microphone]
Mayor: And now, for the lighting of the Torch of Good Sportsmanship, please join me in welcoming snail racing's first-ever champion, Lightning Larry Luciano! [crowd cheers as the band plays. Larry comes crawling out every so slowly with a flame attached on his back]
Perch Perkins: Would you look at that, folks? Lightning Larry Luciano, a living legend, slowly making his way center stage. And what a proud moment for this sport. The crowd is going absolutely nuts... [crowd is cheering] ...for Larry. [Larry is still crawling to the torch] He's almost there. Uhh, yes, any minute now.
Narrator: Two hours later. [band is not playing as loud]
Perch Perkins: He's almost a quarter of the way there. [As Larry is still crawling up to the torch, one of the band members faints after playing for 2 hours. The mayor checks his watch, then runs over, grabs Larry and lights the torch]
Mayor: The torch is lit! Let the race begin. [the crowd cheers. Cut to the playing field, where SpongeBob and Squidward are standing at the starting line. The snails have markers: Snellie is #6, and a very worn out Gary is #7]
Squidward: Well SpongeBob, I must admit, I didn't think that mongrel mutt of yours would even find the starting line. Congratulations. [laughs]
SpongeBob: Save it for the Loser Circle, Squidward. Gary happens to be in the best shape of his life. [Gary is coughing]
Squidward: I'll alert the paramedics.
Patrick:[laughs] Good one, Squidward.
Official:[walks up to the contestants] You guys ready?
Patrick:[screams] A burglar!
SpongeBob: No, Patrick, that's the official.
Official: We're ready to start here, folks.
Squidward: Okay, Snellie, let's show these common, garden-variety snails what superior breeding is all about.
SpongeBob: Alright Gary, listen up, the competition is going to be fierce. You're the undersnail. Everybody's already counting you out. Now get out there and win, so we can rub Squidward's big fat nose in it.
Patrick: This is what you've been training for, Rocky. This is why we're here. [official raises the flag]
Official: On your mark. Get set. [lowers the flag] Slither! [Snellie runs out first]
Perch Perkins: And they're off! Number six, Snellie, rockets out of the starting blocks, leaving the other two competitors in the dust!
SpongeBob: What! [runs over to Gary]
Squidward: Go, Snellie, you got it, baby!
SpongeBob: What are you doing, Gary?! The race has started! You let Snellie take the lead! Let's go, Gary. Start moving! You're blowing everything we trained for! Blowing it!
Patrick: It's okay, Rocky. You go when you feel like it.
SpongeBob: Gary, are you listening to me?! Get the anchors out of your pants right now! [Gary is trying to move fast] Don't give me that look! I said now, mister! Get going, Gary! [SpongeBob jumps up and down while Gary is moving slowly] Go, go, go, go, go!
Perch Perkins: And there goes number 7 out of the starting gate. Oh, hang on, folks. He doesn't look so good.
SpongeBob: Not good enough, Gary, not good enough! Faster! [Gary tries to go faster]
Perch Perkins: I do not like the look of this.
SpongeBob: Come on, Gary, it's a race! A race! Have you heard of 'em?! [Gary eyes are now really small]
Perch Perkins: That coach is pushing that snail too hard!
Perch Perkins: Oh, looks like number 7 has a blowout! [Gary's other eye explodes] Oops, make that 2, folks.
SpongeBob: Uhh, Gary? [Gary's shell breaks, showing a machine inside]
Perch Perkins: Plus, a blown head gasket! Oh, and the poor creature's still going for it.
SpongeBob:[getting worried] Umm, Gary, you can stop now! [Gary is leaving skid marks on the track]
Perch Perkins: He's losing control! [Gary is running into the walls, making a bunch of sparks]
SpongeBob: You can take a break now if you want to, Gary. [Gary is spinning on the track]
Perch Perkins: He's spinning out of control! [crowd gasps] He's heading straight for the wall! [Gary runs into a wall of tires and explodes. The crowd gasps again, then they cheer]
SpongeBob: No! [two firemen come up and extinguish the smoke. Squidward laughs] Hold on, Gary, I'm coming! [runs onto the track]
Perch Perkins: Whoa. One of the coaches seems to have raced onto the track. That is an automatic disqualification. Looks like number six has this race all wrapped up, ladies and gentlemen. [Snellie is coming up on the finish line]
Squidward: Come on, Snellie, it's all you, baby!
SpongeBob:[runs up to Gary, crying] Oh, Gary, I'm sorry! Why didn't you just say I was pushing it too hard?!
SpongeBob: You did? [cries more] Oh, Gary, why didn't you tell me I wasn't listening?!
SpongeBob: You did? [cries some more] Oh, Gary! Oh, Gary!
Snellie: Meow. [Snellie turns around and heads straight to Gary to help him]
Squidward: What?! [Gary notices Snellie racing towards him and he is back to normal now]
SpongeBob: Gary? [Gary and Snellie start purring at each other] Oh!
Perch Perkins:[laughs] My, oh, my. Folks, I have never seen anything quite like this. It seems Snellie, the leader, just went back to comfort Gary. [Squidward walks up to where the snails are at]
SpongeBob: Looks like you and I are in-laws, eh, Squidward?
Squidward: But that's impossible. If Snellie didn't win, then... [Rocky is at the finish line]
Announcer: And the winner is Rocky! [Patrick cries, the crowd goes wild and Gary and Snellie crawl away]
Squidward: I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]
Patrick: Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Squidward: Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] 'The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...Tortellini?! Will I ever win? [everyone laughs. Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air]
Sandy: [angrily] THAT'S FOR YESTERDAY, SQUAREPANTS!