The Googly Artiste/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/158b

• [episode starts with Squidward exiting his house while mummering a tune while pushing a cart with a cloak over an unknown object]
• Squidward: La da de, la da dum, la da doo. La da dee. Ah, it's a great day for the art world. [stops walking] Famous art critic Fredrick T. Nitpick will be critiquing my latest masterpiece. I love hearing myself talk.
• [hears giggling and laughing. camera pans over to SpongeBob and Patrick clearly with weaved baskets in front of them. Squidward appears to be behind him]
• SpongeBob: Oh, hi Squid... [observes artist hat] Whoa! [points to hat] I love your hat.
• Squidward: [whacks arm away] Don't touch it! And it's not a hat. It's a beret.
• SpongeBob: A beret? Oh, where can I get one?
• Squidward: Sorry, SpongeBob. Berets are only worn for true artists, like moi.
• Patrick: You're an artist?
• Squidward: Yes, i'm an artist! What are you two bubbleheads doing anyway?
• SpongeBob: We're making arts and crafts. I've been learning the fine art of basket weaving. [holds up basket] I made this one using designs of me and my best friends. [basket appears to have Squidward, Patrick, and himself weaved on the basket] And I also made this cute little scallop house.
• [scallops fly out of scallop house and commute on Squidward's face, only for Squidward to shoo them away]
• SpongeBob: And I made this wallet, [pulls out wallet out of basket] and I crocheted money to go in it. [holds up crocheted bills]
• Squidward: So, you've been counterfeiting currency? And what's doorknob is two up been to?
• [camera cuts to Patrick, apparently hitting a weaved basket with a hammer]
• Patrick: [halts hitting basket with hammer and laughs] I've been making baskets too. [basket unravels onto table] Darn! This hammer is defective.
• SpongeBob: Do you want to make crafts too?
• Squidward: Crafts? [raspberries] This isn't summer camp. I am a true artiste. [walks out of scene]
• Patrick: Oh man. I'll never make art like you and...Squidward! [initiates sobbing]
• SpongeBob: Hey, don't be sad. You can be an artist too. I'll find something that will tap into your particular artistic skill set. [thinking] Now let me see. Oh, this'll be perfect! Now start with a rock. [pulls up rock]
• Patrick: Uh.
• SpongeBob: A little glue. [applies glue to rock]
• Patrick: Uh.
• SpongeBob: Stick on a couple of googly eyes.
• Patrick: Whoa. Slow down, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: And presto. A rock with googly eyes.
• Patrick: Whoa. I did not see that coming!
• SpongeBob: Now you try! [SpongeBob pulls up glue and a rock]
• Patrick: I'm scared.
• SpongeBob: You can do this!
• Patrick: I shall make the attempt! [grabs glue and starts working on rock] Privacy, please?
• SpongeBob: Oh, sorry. [looks away and shields eyes as Patrick turns away. Patrick makes noises]
• Patrick: I've done it!
• SpongeBob: Yeah, let's take a look!
• Patrick: [Moves hands away so SpongeBob can see rock] Behold!
• SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Oh, it's beautiful!
• Patrick: I'm an artist!
• SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
• Squidward: Hate.
• [Nitpick shows up]
• Frederick Nitpick: Why, hello, Mr. Tentacles! I'm Frederick T. Nitpick, world famous art critic! This is your artwork, I presume?
• Squidward: Oh, it certainly is! This piece represents my struggle to reveal my genius to a moronic world. [Pulls sheet off sculpture] Witness "La Vista Squidward"! Stunning, isn't it?
• Frederick Nitpick: My latest suggestion is "Eww!" I'm going to have to confiscate your artist beret.
• [Nitpick pulls off Squidward's beret]
• Squidward: What? No! No, you can't do that!
• Frederick Nitpick: Sorry, but I'm looking for a real artist!
• Patrick: I'm an artist! Hooray!
• Frederick Nitpick: [walks away] An artist, eh?
• Squidward: No, wait, come back!
• Frederick Nitpick: [walks over to SpongeBob and Patrick] Now, which one of you two is the artiste?
• [Squidward runs over]
• SpongeBob: We both are. It's lots of fun! Would you like to make something, too?
• [Nitpick laughs heavily]
• Frederick Nitpick: I'm a critic. I don't make things. I judge things. For instance, I judge your work. [Looks at SpongeBob's scallop house] Lame. [Walks over to Patrick]
• Patrick: Don't judge me! [becomes worried]
• Frederick Nitpick: [looks at Patrick's rock with googly eyes] Oh, my guacamole frijoles! It's so, so, primitive and naive! You're a genius!
• Patrick: Is that good?
• Frederick Nitpick: I'll give you 500 bucks for it! And this hat! [Places Squidward's beret on Patrick's head]
• Squidward: Hey!
• Frederick Nitpick: [Slaps money in Patrick's hand] You are a master artist, my friend [Walks away]
• Squidward: You can't give that dunderhead the artist hat!
• Frederick Nitpick: Who's the critic here? [Continues to walk away]
• SpongeBob: Wow! Did you hear that, Squidward? Patrick is an artist!
• Squidward: Oh, [raspberries], selling one lousy piece doesn't make you an artist!
• SpongeBob: How many lousy pieces have you sold, Squidward?
• Squidward: Well, about...Um, um, well, I'll bet he never sells another one of those ridiculous trinkets!
• [Man named Ted walks over to Patrick] Ted: : Hey there, I noticed your hat. Are you an artist?
• Patrick: Yeah!
• Ted: Do you have any art? I have a real craving for creativity!
• Patrick: Um...ok! [Picks up a rock and puts googly eyes all over it] Art! [Hands it to man]
• Ted: Thanks, man! Here's fifty bucks! [Walks away]
• Squidward: I'll bet he never sells another!
• Sally: Hey, Ted! Where'd you get that art?
• Ted: From that pink genius over there!
• Sally: I want to buy one!
• Nat: Me too!
• Man: I also!
• Squidward: I'll bet
• SpongeBob: [presses on Squidward's nose to prevent him from talking] Squidward, I think we should have a little talk about your gambling problem. [Squidward grunts and removes SpongeBob's hand]
• Squidward: I actually want to go to work today! [walks away]
• SpongeBob: [looks at watch] Oh! I'm almost late to be early for work! See ya later, Patrick! [Walks away]
• Patrick: So long, my trusted, yet untalented friend! [skips to Patrick selling his googly-eye rocks at a stand in front of his house] One for you! And one for you! And one for... [Patrick looks around and notices there are no more rocks] I've run out of rocks to put googly eyes on! I've run out of rocks!
• Harold: Got anything else?
• Patrick: Um, the artist needs a long time! [Runs into his rock]
• Harold: He's so eccentric!
• Patrick: I'm all out of rocks! What am I going to do now? That was my thing! Oh! [Goes to get a bucket of paint and splatters it all over a sheet of paper, creating a good painting] Tartar sauce! [Patrick throws bucket away and gets a big boulder to sculpt from and ends up sculpting The Thinker] That stinks, too! [Patrick's stomach growls] The artist needs a lunch break!
• [skips to the Krusty Krab. Patrick opens door to the restaurant]
• Squidward: Oh, not you again! May I take your order?
• Patrick: [looks over menu] Uuuuuummmmm! Uhhhhhhhhh! I'm thinking about having a Krabby Patty.
• Squidward: One Krabby Patty [lifts hand to press button on register, only for Patrick to stop his hand from making any moves]
• Patrick: But I'm wondering if that might be too predictable! [Takes his hand off Squidward's]
• Squidward: [rubs his hand] Then, what do you want?
• Patrick: I don't know! I'm not feeling very inspired at the moment!
• [SpongeBob comes out of kitchen]
• SpongeBob: Hiya, Patrick! Ordering up a delicious Krabby Patty?
• Patrick: Maybe, I don't know! I'm in a creative slump!
• SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, that's terrible..
• Squidward: Just order already!
• Patrick: Ok, I want new ideas to spice up hunger for my goodly goods!
• Squidward: Off the menu? Choose something off the menu! We don't serve artistic advice here!
• Patrick: Well then, why is it on the menu?
• [Squidward looks at menu to see "Artistic Advice" written on the menu]
• Squidward: Huh? What?
• Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward!
• Squidward: In case you haven't noticed, [takes hat off his head] this is not an artist hat! [inhales and exhales]
• Patrick: Oh, you can borrow mine! [Puts hat on Squidward's head]
• Squidward: Beautiful.
• [Cuts to SpongeBob bringing Patrick to his table]
• SpongeBob: Make yourself comfortable, Mister Patrick! Our artistic consultant will be right with you!
• [SpongeBob brings Squidward to table against his will]
• SpongeBob: This is Mr. Tentacles. He'll be handling all your artistic advice needs!
• Squidward: Mm-hmm!
• Patrick: Mm-hmm. Pleasure!
• SpongeBob: Here's your Krabby Patty! [Puts Krabby Patty on table and holds up tray] Shall I put it on your tab?
• Patrick: Oh, yeah. Keep it open. We may be here all night! Let me say up front, I'm a fan! I'm excited to learn from a genius like you. My artistic needs and knowledge are in your hands! I hope someone's writing all this. Ok........... advise!
• Squidward: [sighs and gets up] Why don't you just concentrate on your patty? [leaves]
• Patrick: [looks at his patty] Of course, it's so obvious now! How did I not see it earlier? Squidward's a genius! I know now what I must do! [Reaches in his pocket for googly eyes and puts them on the patty, admiring his masterpiece. Frederick Nitpick pops out of ketchup bottle]
• Frederick Nitpick: Brilliant! [Hands Patrick a bag full of money] I've never seen such an example of raw creativity! This piece will turn the art world on its head! I hereby declare this the next big thing! [echoes. Customers swarm the Krusty Krab and hold up money]
• SpongeBob: You did it, Patrick! You found your inspiration!
• Patrick: [holds up money bag] And I'm going to need some more of those patty thingies!
• SpongeBob: You got it, buddy! [jumps into the kitchen and flips some patties, which fly out to Patrick. Patrick decorates a patty and gives it to Tom, who gives him another money bag]
• Mr. Krabs: Huh? [Hears cha-ching] Ooh, money! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money! [Opens cash register and notices it's empty. gasps] What the? [gasps again and notices customers giving money to Patrick and SpongeBob giving him patties] SpongeBob! [grabs SpongeBob] Patrick! [grabs Patrick and pulls both of them into his office] What's the meaning of this?
• Patrick: It's my art. Uh, I buy Krabby Patties for $3 and I..I sell them for $50. [Mr. Krabs gets mad. SpongeBob and Patrick get worried]
• Squidward: Ha and ha!
• Patrick: Why is he so mad, Squidward? I was just following your advice!
• Mr. Krabs: What?! It was your idea, huh?
• [Cuts to SpongeBob bringing more patties out]
• SpongeBob: Here's a whole new batch of Krabby Patty canvases.
• Mr. Krabs: Great, SpongeBob! That'll be fifty bucks!
• Nat: [hands Mr. Krabs money] It's so expensive!
• Mr. Krabs: And here's your patty! One more art patty, Mr. Star!
• Nat: It's such an honor to meet you!
• Patrick: I can only imagine! Apprentice! Make another of my masterpieces, good man.
• [Squidward grabs patty and starts to glue]
• Patrick: If you work real hard, you might be an artist too someday!
• [Squidward growls at Patrick. Patrick looks at patty]
• Patrick: Mm, probably not. Needs more glitter.
• [Squidward cries, ending the episode]