[episode starts with Squidward exiting his house while mummering a tune while pushing a cart with a cloak over an unknown object]
Squidward: La da de, la da dum, la da doo. La da dee. Ah, it's a great day for the art world. [stops walking] Famous art critic Fredrick T. Nitpick will be critiquing my latest masterpiece. I love hearing myself talk.
[hears giggling and laughing. camera pans over to SpongeBob and Patrick clearly with weaved baskets in front of them. Squidward appears to be behind him]
SpongeBob: Oh, hi Squid... [observes artist hat] Whoa! [points to hat] I love your hat.
Squidward:[whacks arm away] Don't touch it! And it's not a hat. It's a beret.
SpongeBob: A beret? Oh, where can I get one?
Squidward: Sorry, SpongeBob. Berets are only worn for true artists, like moi.
Patrick: You're an artist?
Squidward: Yes, i'm an artist! What are you two bubbleheads doing anyway?
SpongeBob: We're making arts and crafts. I've been learning the fine art of basket weaving. [holds up basket] I made this one using designs of me and my best friends. [basket appears to have Squidward, Patrick, and himself weaved on the basket] And I also made this cute little scallop house.
[scallops fly out of scallop house and commute on Squidward's face, only for Squidward to shoo them away]
SpongeBob: And I made this wallet, [pulls out wallet out of basket] and I crocheted money to go in it. [holds up crocheted bills]
Squidward: So, you've been counterfeiting currency? And what's doorknob number two been up to?
[camera cuts to Patrick, apparently hitting a weaved basket with a hammer]
Patrick:[halts hitting basket with hammer and laughs] I've been making baskets too. [basket unravels onto table] Darn! This hammer is defective.
SpongeBob: Do you want to make crafts too?
Squidward: Crafts? [raspberries] This isn't summer camp. I am a true artiste. [walks out of scene]
Patrick: Oh man. I'll never make art like you and...Squidward! [initiates sobbing]
SpongeBob: Hey, don't be sad. You can be an artist too. I'll find something that will tap into your particular artistic skill set. [thinking] Now let me see. Oh, this'll be perfect! Now, start with a rock... [pulls up rock]
SpongeBob: A little glue... [applies glue to rock]
SpongeBob: Stick on a couple of googly eyes... [applies googly eyes to rock]
Patrick: Whoa. Slow down, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: And presto: A rock with googly eyes!
Patrick: Whoa. I did not see that coming!
SpongeBob: Now you try! [SpongeBob pulls up glue and a rock]
Patrick: I'm scared.
SpongeBob: You can do this!
Patrick: I shall make the attempt! [grabs glue and starts working on rock] Privacy, please?
SpongeBob: Oh, sorry. [looks away and shields eyes as Patrick turns away. Patrick makes noises]
Patrick: I've done it!
SpongeBob: Yeah, let's take a look!
Patrick:[Moves hands away so SpongeBob can see rock] Behold!
SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Oh, it's beautiful!
Patrick: I'm an artist!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Hooray!
[Nitpick shows up]
Frederick Nitpick: Why, hello, Mr. Tentacles! I'm Frederick T. Nitpick, world famous art critic! This is your artwork, I presume?
Squidward: Oh, it certainly is! This piece represents my struggle to reveal my genius to a moronic world. [Pulls sheet off sculpture] Witness "La Vista Squidward"! Stunning, isn't it?
Frederick Nitpick: My considered opinion is "Eww!" I'm going to have to confiscate your artist beret.
[Nitpick pulls off Squidward's beret]
Squidward: What? No! No, you can't do that!
Frederick Nitpick: Sorry, but I'm looking for a real artist!
Patrick: I'm an artist! Hooray!
Frederick Nitpick:[walks away] An artist, eh?
Squidward: No, wait, come back!
Frederick Nitpick:[walks over to SpongeBob and Patrick] Now, which one of you two is the artiste?
[Squidward runs over]
SpongeBob: We both are. It's lots of fun! Would you like to make something, too?
[Nitpick laughs heavily]
SpongeBob: How many lousy pieces have you sold, Squidward?
Squidward: Well, about...Um, um, well, I'll bet he never sells another one of those ridiculous trinkets!
[Man named Ted walks over to Patrick] Ted: : Hey there, I noticed your hat. Are you an artist?
Ted: Do you have any art? I have a real craving for creativity!
Patrick: Um...ok! [Picks up a rock and puts googly eyes all over it] Art! [Hands it to man]
SpongeBob:[presses on Squidward's nose to prevent him from talking] Squidward, I think we should have a little talk about your gambling problem. [Squidward grunts and removes SpongeBob's hand]
Squidward: I actually want to go to work today! [walks away]
SpongeBob:[looks at watch] Oh! I'm almost late to be early for work! See ya later, Patrick! [Walks away]
Patrick: So long, my trusted, yet untalented friend! [skips to Patrick selling his googly-eye rocks at a stand in front of his house] One for you! And one for you! And one for... [Patrick looks around and notices there are no more rocks] I've run out of rocks to put googly eyes on! I've run out of rocks!
Harold: Got anything else?
Patrick: Um, the artist needs a long time! [Runs into his rock]
Harold: He's so eccentric!
Patrick: I'm all out of rocks! What am I going to do now? That was my thing! Oh! [Goes to get a bucket of paint and splatters it all over a sheet of paper, creating a good painting] Tartar sauce! [Patrick throws bucket away and gets a big boulder to sculpt from and ends up sculpting The Thinker] That stinks, too! [Patrick's stomach growls] The artist needs a lunch break!
[skips to the Krusty Krab. Patrick opens door to the restaurant]
Squidward: Oh, not you again! May I take your order?
Patrick:[looks over menu] Uuuuuummmmm! Uhhhhhhhhh! I'm thinking about having a Krabby Patty.
Squidward: One Krabby Patty [lifts hand to press button on register, only for Patrick to stop his hand from making any moves]
Patrick: But I'm wondering if that might be too predictable! [Takes his hand off Squidward's]
Squidward:[rubs his hand] Then, what do you want?
Patrick: I don't know! I'm not feeling very inspired at the moment!
[SpongeBob comes out of kitchen]
SpongeBob: Hiya, Patrick! Ordering up a delicious Krabby Patty?
Patrick: Maybe, I don't know! I'm in a creative slump!
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, that's terrible..
Squidward: Just order already!
Patrick: Ok, I want new ideas to spice up hunger for my goodly goods!
Squidward: Off the menu? Choose something off the menu! We don't serve artistic advice here!
Patrick: Well then, why is it on the menu?
[Squidward looks at menu to see "Artistic Advice" written on the menu]
Squidward: Huh? What?
Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, Mr. Squidward!
Squidward: In case you haven't noticed, [takes hat off his head] this is not an artist hat! [inhales and exhales]
Patrick: Oh, you can borrow mine! [Puts hat on Squidward's head]
Squidward: Beautiful. [Cuts to SpongeBob bringing Patrick to his table]
SpongeBob: Make yourself comfortable, Mister Patrick! Our artistic consultant will be right with you!
[SpongeBob brings Squidward to table against his will]
SpongeBob: This is Mr. Tentacles. He'll be handling all your artistic advice needs!
Patrick: Mm-hmm. Pleasure!
SpongeBob: Here's your Krabby Patty! [Puts Krabby Patty on table and holds up tray] Shall I put it on your tab?
Patrick: Oh, yeah. Keep it open. We may be here all night! Let me say up front, I'm a fan! I'm excited to learn from a genius like you. My artistic needs and knowledge are in your hands! I hope someone's writing all this. Ok........... advise!
Squidward:[sighs and gets up] Why don't you just concentrate on your patty? [leaves]
Patrick:[looks at his patty] Of course, it's so obvious now! How did I not see it earlier? Squidward's a genius! I know now what I must do! [Reaches in his pocket for googly eyes and puts them on the patty, admiring his masterpiece. Frederick Nitpick pops out of ketchup bottle]
Frederick Nitpick: Brilliant! [Hands Patrick a bag full of money] I've never seen such an example of raw creativity! This piece will turn the art world on its head! I hereby declare this the next big thing! [echoes. Customers swarm the Krusty Krab and hold up money]
SpongeBob: You did it, Patrick! You found your inspiration!
Patrick:[holds up money bag] And I'm going to need some more of those patty thingies!
SpongeBob: You got it, buddy! [jumps into the kitchen and flips some patties, which fly out to Patrick. Patrick decorates a patty and gives it to Tom, who gives him another money bag]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? [Hears cha-ching] Ooh, money! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money! [Opens cash register and notices it's empty. gasps] What the? [gasps again and notices customers giving money to Patrick and SpongeBob giving him patties] SpongeBob! [grabs SpongeBob] Patrick! [grabs Patrick and pulls both of them into his office] What's the meaning of this?
Patrick: It's my art. Uh, I buy Krabby Patties for $3 and I..I sell them for $50. [Mr. Krabs gets mad. SpongeBob and Patrick get worried]
Squidward: Ha and ha!
Patrick: Why is he so mad, Squidward? I was just following your advice!
Mr. Krabs: What?! It was your idea, huh?
[Cuts to SpongeBob bringing more patties out]
SpongeBob: Here's a whole new batch of Krabby Patty canvases.
Mr. Krabs: Great, SpongeBob! That'll be fifty bucks!
Nat:[hands Mr. Krabs money] It's so expensive!
Mr. Krabs: And here's your patty! One more art patty, Mr. Star!
Nat: It's such an honor to meet you!
Patrick: I can only imagine! Apprentice! Make another of my masterpieces, good man.
[Squidward grabs patty and starts to glue]
Patrick: If you work real hard, you might be an artist too someday!
[Squidward growls at Patrick. Patrick looks at patty]
Patrick: Mm, probably not. Needs more glitter.
[Squidward cries, ending the episode]
Frederick Nitpick: I'm a critic. I don't make things. I judge things. For instance, I judge your work. [Looks at SpongeBob's scallop house] Lame. [Walks over to Patrick]
Patrick: Don't judge me! [becomes worried]
Frederick Nitpick:[looks at Patrick's rock with googly eyes] Oh, my guacamole frijoles! It's so, so, primitive and naive! You're a genius!
Patrick: Is that good?
Frederick Nitpick: I'll give you 500 bucks for it! And this hat! [Places Squidward's beret on Patrick's head]
Frederick Nitpick:[Slaps money in Patrick's hand] You are a master artist, my friend [Walks away]
Squidward: You can't give that dunderhead the artist hat!
Frederick Nitpick: Who's the critic here? [Continues to walk away]
SpongeBob: Wow! Did you hear that, Squidward? Patrick is an artist!
Squidward: Oh, [raspberries], selling one lousy piece doesn't make you an artist!