[episode starts with Mr. Krabs taking pictures of passing people]
Mr. Krabs: Gotcha! Whoa! You're a big one! Can't believe I've never seen you in the Krusty Krab before!
[Cuts to Squidward spraying the inside of the restaurant]
SpongeBob: Squidward? Hey, Squidward? Squidward?
SpongeBob: I haven't seen Mr. Krabs all morning. Do you know where he is?
Squidward: Don't know, don't care.
[Mr. Krabs comes down to the inside of the restaurant and accidentally crushes Squidward]
SpongeBob: Oh, there you are, Mr. Krabs! Where have you been?
Mr. Krabs: I've been conducting a little research! Where's Squidward?
Mr. Krabs: You two! Follow me!
[Squidward and SpongeBob follow Squidward into his office]
SpongeBob: Oh, wow! You've been busy, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: I want you to take a look at these folks right here. Have you ever seen any of them in the Krusty Krab? Think hard?
SpongeBob: Uuuummmmm, hmm. Um, no, no, no, possibly, no, maybe, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no! No, sir, I do not recognize any of them, sir.
Mr. Krabs: How about you, Squidward?
Squidward: I try not to look directly at the customers.
[Mr. Krabs groans and gets a chart]
Mr. Krabs: Well, according to my research, a full 2% of the population of Bikini Bottom has never set foot in the Krusty Krab. That's 2% of money that's not in me pocket. And when I see that 2%, I get soooooo maaaad!
SpongeBob: When I see that 2%, I think of pie!
Mr. Krabs: I'm not talking about pie! [throws chart away] These holdouts are probably spending their money in some other restaurant! We need to find that 2% and reel them in. So I want you two to promote the Krusty Krab!
Squidward: Will we got overtime pay?
Mr. Krabs: Over-what who?
Squidward: Oh, sure thing, Mr. Krabs! I'll get right on that, never.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! I'll promote the Krusty Krab and I know just where to start!
[Cuts to outside of Krusty Krab, where a spatula appears out of the top of the Krusty Krab and reveals a patty, which is SpongeBob in a Krabby Patty costume]
SpongeBob: Hello, Bottomites! [Jumps down to outside of the Krusty Krab doors, where a customer is going in] Hello, sir! Have you ever heard of the most wonderful restaurant in all of Bikini Bottom, the Krusty Krab?
Customer: Of course I have! That's where I'm going. If you'll get out of my way.
SpongeBob: Please accept one of our fliers and consider dining at our fine eating establishment the next time you're feeling hungry.
Customer: But I'm hungry now! [SpongeBob sticks up another flier] Ha-ha! [SpongeBob sticks up two more fliers] Okay, already! [Customer takes fliers and rips SpongeBob's arms off]
SpongeBob: Thanks, sir! Tell all your... friends. Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
Patrick: Oh, no! I knew this day would come! Invasion of the Giant Patties! There's only one thing to do! It's eat or be eaten!
[Patrick goes out and tries to eat SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Patrick! What are you doing? It's me, SpongeBob!
Patrick: Oh, no! The giant patty has eaten my buddy!
SpongeBob: Relax, Patrick! It's me! This is just a cost..
[Patrick punches SpongeBob]
Patrick: Cough him up, you monster! Come here, you! [Patrick whirls SpongeBob around, smacking him into the Krusty Krab window, sending him up to the air and knocking off the costume] Die, giant patty, die! Patties should not eat my buddy! [Patrick jumps on the roof and stomps on the costume, causing a lot of flyers to shoot out at SpongeBob. He sends the costume to the air. Plankton comes out of the Chum Bucket]
Plankton: Boy, I don't know what it is, but I feel like there's something in the air! Today is the day I finally get a Krabby Patty! [Costume comes down and squishes Plankton]
Patrick: You okay, little buddy?
SpongeBob: Yeah, I guess..so.
Patrick: What's this [takes flyer off SpongeBob's head]
SpongeBob: It's a flyer... to promote the Krusty Krab! Cause Mr. Krabs needs all the money!
[Patrick wrinkles up flyer]
Patrick: Well, this will never do! You gotta think bigger! Everyone should know about the... uh... Krusty Krab. We need an ad blitz of monumental proportions! Everywhere you look, you should see the name..the Krabby Klam.
SpongeBob: Krusty Krab.
[cuts to Patrick shaving SpongeBob's back]
SpongeBob:[laughs] That tickles!
Patrick: Hold still! I'm almost through! Perfect!
SpongeBob: Don't forget about the paint!
Patrick: Hold on to your shorts! I got it! [Paints the writing on SpongeBob's back, Eat at the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob:[laughs] It's cold!
Patrick: Ok, now turn around! Open wide! [SpongeBob opens his mouth] Wider! [SpongeBob opens his mouth wider] Perfect! [puts paintbrush in SpongeBob's mouth] Ready?
[Patrick puts advertisement on the walls of the Krusty Krab. SpongeBob gives him a thumbs-up and the two leave, to which a police officer shows up]
Officer:[gasps] Graffiti! That's disgraceful! I vow to bring the evil-doer to justice, right after I have a Krabby Patty at the Krusty Krab!
[cuts to scene at cliff, where SpongeBob and Patrick are standing at edge]
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick, what are we doing here?
Patrick: I hired a skywriter! Oh, there he is now!
[Skywriter falls from the sky and writes "Help Me!" on a clipboard]
Patrick: Somehow, I thought that would be more effective.
Skywriter: Ow, I think I broke my thesaurus!
[cuts to scene at forest]
Troop Leader: Ok, campers, today we are going to see one of nature's wonders, the Oldest Tree in Bikini Bottom!
[Patrick is cutting tree to show Eat at the Krusty Krab. Troop Leader and kids run off, screaming while the tree falls on Patrick. cuts to scene in bathroom, where SpongeBob comes out with Patrick waiting for him. Customer shows up in bathroom]
SpongeBob: We left you a present in there! [SpongeBob and Patrick giggle and walk away]
Customer: Weirdos. [Goes into bathroom] What the? [Customer admires toilet paper, which reads Eat at the Krusty Krab] Eat at the Krusty Krab? I'm disgusted! Yet, strangely..hungry.
[cuts to scene in sky, where Patrick is riding an airplane with a banner that says Eat at the Krusty Krab]
Patrick: Hey, I can see my house from here! [shows aerial view of SpongeBob's, Squidward's and Patrick's houses. SpongeBob is riding a blimp and SpongeBob turns on the sign, which reads Eat at the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Huh? [Notices Patrick riding towards him without noticing] Aaaaaaaahhhh!
Patrick: Ooh, the Krusty Krab! [Airplane rides above blimp, avoiding the collision]
Patrick: Huh! Oh, it's SpongeBob! [Patrick rides toward SpongeBob, colliding with him] Hey, SpongeBob! [Airplane and blimp fall out of the sky. Pilar and Tom are looking at Krusty Krab advertisements]
Pilar: If I see the words Krusty Krab one more time, I am going to scream! [Blimp and airplane fall right near Pilar and Tom. SpongeBob and Patrick climb out of ruckus] Pilar: Ahem! What does that say?
SpongeBob: Krusty Krab!
Pilar: I thought so! [Breathes in SpongeBob and Patrick's skin and screams it onto each other]
SpongeBob: I think the ad campaign is going really well.
Patrick: I agree! [Phone rings. SpongeBob picks it up]
SpongeBob: Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs! [cuts to Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: I don't know what you're doing, boy-o, but it's working like cake busters. This place is as packed as the trills-with-gills. In fact, I'm seeing some of the same holdouts I saw this morning [crosses off one of the 2%]
SpongeBob: Wow! I better get back to help with the crowd!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry about that, boy! Squidward's holdin' down the fort! [shows Squidward taking orders and grilling patties at the same time] You just keep doing what you're doing and bring in that last 1%! [Mr. Krabs hangs up phone]
SpongeBob: Yeah, but how do we find that last 1%?
Patrick: Well, there's one place we missed. That big pile of roads! [points to big highway. cuts to highway, which SpongeBob and Patrick have reached]
SpongeBob: Hey, uh, Patrick? [points to sign that says No Playing on Boatway] We're not supposed to play in traffic.
Patrick: Well, we're not playing! We're working!
SpongeBob: But what if we get hit by a boat?
[Truck approaches SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob: Tartar sauce!
Patrick: I got this! [Patrick paints his mouth white and shapeshifts into a traffic cone]
Truck Driver: You see that, Cleetus? It's a packed traffic cone.
Cleetus: Well, golly! Hit the brakes, Buford!
[Truck tries to avoid cone and topples over]
Patrick: Your canvas awaits! [Patrick hands SpongeBob a paintbrush]
SpongeBob: Thank you, Patrick! [SpongeBob hums and paints Eat at the Krusty Krab on truck] That should do it! Let's go back to the Krusty Krab and greet that last 1%! [SpongeBob and Patrick jump to the Krusty Krab. Thaddeus is driving and notices the truck in front of him]
Thaddeus: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh! [Thaddeus ends up falling off the boatway]
SpongeBob: Here they come! [Many people end up falling in front of the Krusty Krab] Let's go inside! We did it, Mr. Krabs! Soon, you'll have more customers than you'll know what to do with!
Squidward: It's about time! Where have you been? I'm outta here! [Squidward leaves the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Great! This is a dream come true! SpongeBob, get back behind the grill, and Patrick, buy something or get out!
[SpongeBob hears the customers rioting and looks outside]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy! Here they come! [The angry customers approach the Krusty Krab] But they're not happy! We'll be bombarded! Patrick, help me hold the door shut!
Lou: Hey, the door's blocked!
[Mr. Krabs notices a familiar face and looks at the picture of the last 1%]
Mr. Krabs: That's him! Let him in! It's the last 1%. [Mr. Krabs throws them and lets the customers in. When the customers were running, he grabs the mailman] Gotcha! [Mr. Krabs sends himself and the mailman up to the top of the restaurant, not noticing the customers breaking the Krusty Krab and throwing SpongeBob and Patrick in the crowd, attacking them]
Mailman: What are we doing up here?
[Mr. Krabs shushes the mailman] Mr. Krabs: Let's savor the moment. [Mr. Krabs puts a bib around the mailman] You hungry?
Mailman: I guess so!
[Mr. Krabs makes a Krabby Patty] Mr. Krabs: : Then try..this!
Mailman: A Krabby Patty? I've never had one before! [Mailman takes a bite out of the patty]
Mr. Krabs: That'll be 50 bucks! [Mailman hands Mr. Krabs 50 bucks] This advertising campaign has really paid off! [Krusty Krab gets destroyed]