Amphitrite: Oh, Neptune, surely this isn't the behavior befitting a king, hiding in bed for days on end, doing nothing but watching daytime television. [turns off TV]
Neptune: Wait! Rochelle was just about to meet her biological parents!
Amphitrite: Is this about turning 5,000 today?
Neptune: No. Oh, my darling Amphitrite, it is not my age that troubles me so. It's that our son, Triton, will not be able to share in my revelry.
Amphitrite: Let's forget about Triton for just one day. It's your 5,000th birthday, for shell's sake.
Neptune:[sighs] OK. So long as there's no one careless enough to mention Triton.
[cuts to the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: Order up Squidward! [gives Squidward a Krabby Patty using his nose] I'll bet you're wondering why I'm not using my hands today.
Squidward:[takes Krabby Patty] Not in the least, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: OK, OK, I'll tell you.
Squidward:[walks up to table with strange looking fish] Your order, ma'am.
[the strange fish is really SpongeBob in a costume]
SpongeBob: I'm not using my hands because today is "Work Without Your Hands Day". [jumps out of costume] You should give it a whirl, buddy. [enters the kitchen and hears phone ring. Picks up phone with his foot.] Krusty Krab, SpongeBob speaking. Just a minute please. Mr. Krabs, it's a Queen Amphitrite. She wants to have King Neptune's birthday party here.
Mr. Krabs:[sarcastically] Oh she does, does she? I'll handle this, laddie. [takes phone from SpongeBob] Yes, Queen Amphitrite. [pauses to listen to Queen Amphitrite] Very convincing, but you're gonna have to call pretty early to fool ol' Eugene Krabs, PRANKSTER! [blocks phone with claw]. They think I was born yesterday. Aye-aye-aye.[Queen Amphitrite breaks through the roof and zaps Mr. Krabs] Does 7:00 work for you, your majesty? [Turns to SpongeBob] Oil up yer spatula boy, for tonight you fry for a king.
SpongeBob: So much for "Work Without Your Hands Day," SquarePants. You answer to a higher calling this day. I have the capability! [Raises up spatula and light flashes on spatula. Then SpongeBob turns to Patrick who is standing in the corner] OK, that's enough Patrick, thank you.
[Reveals Patrick with a flash light and a wobble board]
[Outside the kitchen, the decorations and gifts are all set for King Neptune's birthday]
Mr. Krabs: You two really outdid yourselves. It almost makes me want to pay you. [chuckling] Oh, yeah. [passes pole with ribbons and two balloons] Looks like this area could use a few more decorations. Squidward!
Squidward: Now, what?
Mr. Krabs: The decorations over here look a little sparse. Why don't you hang up a few balloons or something? [walks away]
[Squidward stands motionless]
Mr. Krabs:[walks back] Oh, that's better. Looks lovely, Squidward. Excellent work. How goes it over here?
SpongeBob: All set, Mr. K. 5,000 patties, one for every year Neptune's been alive.
Mr. Krabs: 5,000 patties at $3.99 a pop? [babbles nonsensically due to how much money he'll get]
[Outside the Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Leave it to your old boss here to capitalize on such a momentous occasion. [rolls out red carpet]
Shubie: Wow! Why, you rolled out the red carpet!
Mr. Krabs: This ain't for you, lad. This is for King Neptune. Today is his birthday.
Shubie: Oh, uh, wait, King Neptune is coming here? Oh, I am a huge fan of the royal family. I just love everything they do. Could we please, maybe, watch them eat, right here through the window, you know?
Mr. Krabs: Don't be ridiculous. Why in Neptune's name would I let you...[thought bubble of Mr. Krabs bangs him in between the eyes with a money gavel]
Mr. Krabs:[later on]See Neptune eat! Only five dollars! Only a few seats left!
[Fred gives him a five dollar bill]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you.
[Debbie gives him a five dollar bill]
Mr. Krabs: Thank you.
[Fish gives Mr. Krabs a twenty dollar bill]
Fish #19: You got change for a twenty?
Mr. Krabs: Nope, sorry. I guess that it's twenty dollars for for you then. Don't be shy folks. Seats are going fast.
[thunder is heard]
[fish gasp as a carrier holding King Neptune, Queen Amphitrite, and monsters assisting Neptune arrive at the Krusty Krab]
Neptune: Greetings, my obedient flock.
[the crowd cheers and talks]
Neptune:[to Amphitrite] You were right, honey. Hearing these mortals cheer for me has made me feel better already.
SpongeBob: Excuse me, Mr. Royal Sea Kingness, your table is this way,sir.
[inside the Krusty Krab]
Neptune: Oh, these seats are surprisingly comfortable for being longlord and primitive storage vessels.
Amphitrite: Oh, husband, I'm so glad to see that you're enjoying your birthday party.
Neptune: And I am glad that you are glad, dear.
Amphitrite: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad, my king.
Neptune: And I'm glad that you're glad that I'm glad that you're glad...
Monsters: Alright already!
Neptune: And methinks I shall continue to enjoy us all as long as there's no mention of the name...
SpongeBob: Triton, Triton, Triton? Is there a Triton here? Is there anybody missing from this party that any of you guys can see?
Amphitrite: Nope, there's nobody missing, we're all here.
[Monsters from the Party start to get nervous]
SpongeBob: Oh, I was sure there's somebody..[sees an empty seat] Oh! Here it is right here. An empty seat.
Neptune: That's not an empty seat. My wife is sitting there.
SpongeBob:[laughs] No, not that chair, your Highness. That one, see? It even has its pretty name card that I made still on it.
Neptune: Oh no.
SpongeBob: T-R-I-T-O-N. You sure you don't know anyone named Triton? [Neptune sobs] Should I put it down yes or no?
Amphitrite: Triton is our son. But as you can see, the king doesn't want to talk about it right now.
Neptune: Thank you, my darling. I'd rather not share with this addled mortal the woeful story of our son, Triton. [all agree] But I suppose I could tell it. [all disagree] No, you're right, I won't tell it. [all breathe a sigh of relief,pulls out a projector] Instead, I'm going to show this movie I made about it. [all groan] Could someone please dim the lights? [lights are dimmed]
[The projector shows a flashback with King Neptune and Triton. Scene starts in King Neptune's palace]
Neptune:[narrating] It all started one day while giving Triton his smiting lessons.
[King Neptune uses his trident to zap a smaller version of Bikini Bottom. The city bursts into flames]
Neptune: That's how you strike fear into the hearts of your subjects! Now you try, son. Son?
Neptune:[narrating] Triton was increasingly fascinated with the miserable world of the lowly mortals.
[Young Triton is seen watching a baseball game from the edge of the palace]
Triton: Dad, when are you going to teach me the ball and stick game?
Neptune: Never. Now take hold of your trident and practice your smiting, son.
Triton: I don't feel like smiting. I wanna play the ball and stick game.
Neptune: OK, son, you want to learn the stick and ball game? Well here's your first lesson. Batter up. [The trident zaps one of the stadium's lights. Everyone in the stadium starts screaming] It looks like I just hit a single. Let's see if you can get a home run, son.
Triton: Leave me alone, Dad. [swims back home]
Neptune:[narrating] What was happening to my own flesh and blood? Over the next few millennia, my son grew not only in size, but in perplexing behavior.
[A explosion is heard from Triton's door, and green smoke seeps out. Neptune opens it and sees Triton with beakers of chemicals]
Neptune: What is going on in here?
Triton: Hey, Dad, check it out! I'm studying chemistry, and I've just created a cure for all mortal diseases!
Neptune:[pushes all the beakers out of the table angrily, then grabs Triton by his arms] How many times do I have to tell you? We are gods! We don't have diseases, nor do we care whether or not the mortals contract them!
Triton: Gosh! [moves away]
Neptune:[to the camera] Try as I might, it was becoming increasingly apparent that we would not agree on the ways of the world. I knew I had no choice. There was only one last resort. [shows video of girls dancing on a beach] No, not that one! The Island in the Sky.
Triton: Isn't that island a miniature golf course?
Neptune: No! The one on the other side of the river
Triton: You mean the juvenile correction facility? But that place is for losers, man.
[One the island in the sky]
Triton: Okay, I'm standing in here. Now what? [Neptune locks Triton up in a cage] What are you doing? This is bogus!
Neptune: I'm sealing you inside this magical shrinking cage until you learn to embrace your destiny as one of the gods!
[Neptune zaps the cage]
[cage only shrinks a little]
Triton: You call that shrinking?
Neptune: Well, it only shrinks 7%.
Triton: Man, that is just beyond bogus.
Neptune: Perhaps in your eyes, it is beyond bogus, but it is the only way you'll learn. [Pulls rope to hang the cage up a tree] Reflect on this for 10,000 years.
Triton: You can't do this, man! I've got a life to live. I can't be stuck in this cage, man! [Neptune leaves the island] God. I hate you, old man, you here me? I hate you! [echoes]
Neptune: And that's that.
[everyone inside the Krusty Krab is sleeping]
Mr. Krabs: Huh? Okay, who's ready for a piping hot Krabby Patty? Would you like the first one, your highness?
Neptune: Recounting this sad tale has upset me so much, I've lost my appetite. [sobs]
Amphitrite: Take those sandwiches away! Can't you see the king is upset? [turns to Neptune] It's okay, let it out.
[cuts to the outside of the Krusty Krab]
Male fish: This is a rip-off! I paid to watch high-class royal dining action, not listen to a boring sob story.
Monica: Ooh, looks like things may be picking up! Royal violence!
Amphitrite: Why have you not obeyed me, mortal? Be gone!
Mr. Krabs: So who's going to pay for these, then?
[Amphitrite zaps Mr. Krabs]
Mr. Krabs: Oh! If Neptune doesn't cheer up soon, me business is ruined.
SpongeBob: Oh no. This is all my fault because I mentioned [whispers] Triton.
Squidward: Well, it wouldn't be the first time you've ruined everything, but the worst part is those 5,000 Krabby Patties that will end up going rotten in the hot sun.
SpongeBob: Stop, Squidward, please stop! Your descriptions are too horrifying for my delicate sensibilities.
Squidward: I do have a way with words.
Neptune: Oh, how I miss my son! [sobbing]
SpongeBob: Hey, that's it! I'll fix all this by reuniting Neptune with his son!
[scene cuts to island in the sky]
[bus appears with SpongeBob aboard. SpongeBob appears on the edge of the island as bus leaves]
SpongeBob:[waving] Thanks again, Mr. Bus Driver!
SpongeBob:[turning to island] Now, all I've got to do is find King Neptune's long-lost son.
[SpongeBob disappears into island]
[scene cuts back to Krusty Krab. Neptune is seen crying]
Mr. Krabs: Come on, Krabs! Think, think! [suddenly gets idea] Ooh! [turns to Squidward]
Squidward: Whatever it is, no.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you're a man of culture.
Squidward: Go on.
Mr. Krabs: Well, these highfalutin' types, they might appreciate that, don't you think? Why don't you try and razzle-dazzle them with all your pizazz?
Squidward: Pizazz. Hold on to your hats and glasses, people, because Squidward the Fantabulous has arrived.
[scene cuts to the audience outside, then cuts back to Squidward with his clarinet]
Squidward: Thank you. Thank you. This next one, I wrote myself. I like to call it, 'Three Barnacles are a Crowd Unless They've Known Each Other for a Really Long Time.[clarinet music plays]
Frank: Things just got lame again.
Monica: Yeah, well, they better get un-lame real quick, or I'm asking for my money back.
[Mr. Krabs comes out, sticks a 'No Refunds' sign on the ground in front of the audience, and goes back inside]
Frank: No refunds!? Well, I guess we're stuck here, then.
[scene cuts to island in the sky. SpongeBob is seen sleeping]
[fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head. SpongeBob awakes.]
SpongeBob: What the—I had the strangest dream that I just got hit in the head with a tiny toenail clipping.
[another fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head]
SpongeBob:[looks down and picks up fingernail] Hey, I was right! It is a tiny toenail clipping.
[another fingernail drops on SpongeBob's head]
SpongeBob:[gasps] Another one! [sees rope] Plus some rope. [lowers cage with Triton inside]
[Triton is seen on the ground in the cage looking away]
Triton: Hey, man, what's the big idea?
SpongeBob:[doesn't know Triton was talking, nor does he see him] Who said that? Show yourself! I'm warning you. I know how to use these! [makes karate noises and karate moves]
Triton:[turns to SpongeBob] I'm down here, man!
[SpongeBob looks down and sees Triton]
SpongeBob: Oh, hello, little fella. Maybe you can help me. Because if I don't find Triton soon, Krabs is gonna be real upset, because he spent a lot of money on party decorations.
Triton: Party decorations? For what?
SpongeBob: For King Neptune's birthday!
Triton: So, it's my old man's birthday. Big deal.
SpongeBob:[gasps] You mean, you're King Neptune's son?
Triton: I am, but he doesn't seem to think so.
SpongeBob: Well, he sure seemed upset that you weren't at his birthday party.
Triton: Hah! That's a real good one, man. Real funny.
SpongeBob:[laughs a little] Well, thanks, but...
Triton: Do you think if that old goat really cared, he'd have me sealed up in this magical cage with nothing to do all day [holds up a pair of nail clippers] but trim my fingernails, man?
SpongeBob: You're right. It just doesn't make any sense.
Triton: You're telling me, man.
SpongeBob: I mean, gods shouldn't have to use nail clippers. They should be able to wear their fingernails to whatever length they want!
Triton: Man, you're just like all the rest. [turns away]
SpongeBob: Don't go.
[Triton ignores and starts trimming his fingernails]
[SpongeBob presses his face against the bars of the cage in front of Triton with a hideous look]
SpongeBob: What if there was a way to free you from this magical cage? Then, you could come to your father's birthday party and settle your differences!
Triton: May I ask you to brush your teeth first, dude. P.U!
SpongeBob: Sorry, I haven't had anything to drink in a couple of days, my throats a little dry.
Triton:[coughs] This cage is only so big man
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, I'll stop talking, I swear
Triton: Never mind, just undo the lock
SpongeBob:[looks at lock] boy this really does look complicated, oh I see, I'll just slide this square to the right, this one goes up, one other here and ohh wait, no, ahh, no squares [start circling his face and he screams] man that really is a tough nut to crack
Triton: That lock was forged by the gods, not any numbskull can open like a cheap bag of potato chips they found in the street.
SpongeBob: Cheap bag of potato choo wait a minute, which way to the nearest phone booth?
Triton: Theres one behind that rock over there, but I don't see why...
SpongeBob:[runs to phone booth and rings Patrick] Patrick?
Patrick: Hey, you'll never guess what I found on the street [SpongeBob talks on phone] yeah, I'll hurry [declines]
[the bus is seen again dropping Patrick off on the Island]
SpongeBob: Oh Patrick, you made it, this is the magical lock I was talking about, [holds up lock]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I tried for hours and hours but I just can't get it to...
Patrick:[undoes the lock] Open!
SpongeBob: Wow, all ready, Patrick you know I'll never figure out how you do those so darn fast.
Patrick: I just peel the stickers of the squares and put them back on in the right spaces
Triton: Say, now this silly old cage is open, why don't we pay my old man a visit. Hate to keep him waiting on his birthday. [Triton flies up and turns the cage into a sports car and hops in] you guys coming or what?
Patrick: Are you going to take us for a ride?
Triton: A ride, thats a great idea
[cuts to Triton driving the car fast whilst SpongeBob and Patrick are sleeping, Triton goes off-road and SpongeBob and Patrick wake up. Triton slams on the brakes]
Triton: You guys don't mind if pull over for a second?
SpongeBob: Sure Triton, what do you need to use, the bathroom.
Triton: No, to tell you I don't need you any more. [kicks SpongeBob and Patrick out and drives off]
Patrick: What an interesting man
[cuts to Neptune's party]
Mr. Krabs: Ready for a room temperature Krabby Patty yet?
[Mr. Krabs sulks and hits into the cashier boat]
Squidward: Careful, this is made out of imported wood, imported all they way from the junk pile out the back.
Mr. Krabs: Neptune is inconsolable, if only there where something to distract him from his pain.
Squidward: The only thing that can usually do that is something that causes more pain.
Mr. Krabs: Great idea, go and play them another song.
[cuts to where Squidward is about to play his clarinet]
Neptune:[to Amphitrite] He's back
Amphitrite: Oh, how...nice?
Squidward: If pleases the king, I would like to preform a...
[Neptune starts clapping and Squidward gets ready and starts playing at the same time as a car horn is heard]
Squidward: What the?[looks at clarinet]
Mr. Krabs:[whispers to Squidward] What he say?
Squidward: I think he wants us to look at the O MY!
[Triton and his car smash through the window and the crowd cheers]
Frank: That was incredible!
Monica: Yeah, definitely worth the five bucks.
[Triton zaps everyone and locks them in a cage]
Neptune: Son, I demand to know the meaning of this impudent imprisonment.
Triton: Well it turns out you where right old man, being trapped in that cage all those years with nowhere to go but up here made me realize something, dabbling in the world of mere mortals is totally lame.
Neptune: And this is how you intend on showing it.
Triton: No man, this is how! [flies through the roof] Hahaha
Neptune: By flying through the roof?
Monica: That was Triton, Neptune's son!
Frank: I thought he was in reform school or something.
[the Bikini Bottomites cheer on Triton]
Purple Fish: Can I have an autograph?
Triton: Sure you can.
[Triton destroys all of Bikini Bottom and zaps his name on the ground]
Triton: Nothing can stop me! Hahaha
[SpongeBob and Patrick arrive at a destroyed Bikini Bottom]
SpongeBob: What's happened here?Hello, where is everybody?
Patrick: Do you think Triton was in that cage for a reason.
SpongeBob:[gasps] the Krusty Krab!
[cuts to the outside of the Krusty Krab]
Patrick: It's still standing.
SpongeBob: But look, that mail hasn't been picked up today.[shows letters in front of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: We better use the secret entrance.
[SpongeBob and Patrick appear in the stove]
SpongeBob: Be very very quiet
Patrick: Gotcha pall [throws stove top causing a chain reaction of loud noises] What?
[SpongeBob and Patrick look through the cabin window and see Triton eating the Krabby Patty's]
Mr. Krabs: Please! I'll be ruined!
Neptune: Don't worry Mr. Krabs, no one was going to pay for them anyway [this causes Mr. Krabs to cry]
SpongeBob: Oh, this is terrible
Patrick: Tell me about it, I never get free food here.
Neptune: Son, hear my words, I can understand if you want to keep me locked up in this cage and set me, but see it in your heart to release these others as they are innocent. Well, maybe not all of them [looks at the small purple guy]
Triton: Sorry old man, you lost me up in the hear in my words part.
Patrick: He's unstoppable.
SpongeBob: Only as long as King Neptune is locked up.
Patrick: You thinking what I'm thinking?
SpongeBob: Yeah, Triple Gooberry Sundays tonight after we free them
Patrick: Ah no, but I like your idea better!
SpongeBob: Make ready the disguise.
[SpongeBob and Patrick hide in the stove and hop over to where Triton is]
Triton:[doesn't notice the stove] Hehe
SpongeBob: Okay, now![SpongeBob shuffle the stove next to the stage without Triton noticing them]
Neptune: Please, no more!
SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, unlock it before he sees us
Patrick: You got it[Patrick reaches for the lock] SpongeBob, scootch back a little. [to the purple guy] Excuse me
SpongeBob: Hurry up Patrick, he's getting bored
Patrick: Don't rush me! Okay got it!
[the cage disappears and everyone is freed]
Triton: Hehe, I was just kidding man[flies off. Looks back and thinks he's escaped until Neptune flies in front of him] No No, please, I-I-I never meant to...
Neptune: Son I have tried all my life to be gentle, but this time you have..[looks behind him and notices the destroyed Bikini Bottom] Are you responsible for all this destruction!?
Triton: Don't send me back to the cage man, I-I-I...
Neptune: The Cage! Why son you have just given me the best 5000th birthday present I ever received! You finally learnt to use your god powers. Now I know when my reign comes to a close, I'll have a worthy successor and that's all I could really hope for as a king[sobs] and as your father come here[they hug]
Triton: Aww dad, I love you man [light shines on them]
[Everyone cheers and whistles and celebrates]
Neptune: Now lets go home son [they enter the carriage]
Amphitrite: Too do loo
[everyone continues cheering. The carriage flies away]
Mr. Krabs: Neptune and friends wait! What about the party? What about me restaurant?
Neptune:[from the carriage] Ow, yes. Many thanks whoever you are. It was the best day I could of ever hoped for and it's all because of your little boy there. None of this would've happened if it wasn't for his actions![carriage disappears]
SpongeBob: Did you hear that, Neptune this was all because of me
Patrick: Well SpongeBob that's...
Sadie: Did you hear that, Neptune said it was all because of that guy!