[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr. Krabs are having a medical exam. SpongeBob is giggling behind the curtains and jumps up and down.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward. What do you think the nurse is doing to him in there?
Squidward: It's called a "checkup." It's an invasion of your personal space that's good for you.
[SpongeBob screams behind the curtains. Squidward and Mr. Krabs gasp. Behind the curtain, the nurse grabs SpongeBob as if she is going to strangle him. Mr. Krabs bites his claws in fear. Behind the curtains, SpongeBob is shape-shifting himself in front of the nurse.]
Nurse: Sir, please hold still! I need to check your reflexes.
SpongeBob: Sorry, nurse lady. I've never had a checkup before. It's so much fun!
[The nurse hits SpongeBob's knee with his medical hammer and SpongeBob's leg curls up. SpongeBob's leg squeals.]
Nurse:[sighs] You seem fine...physically, at least. [shows her clipboard] Congratulations. You pass.
SpongeBob:[jumps out] Wow! Imagine if it was this easy to get your boating license!
Squidward: Eh. The world shudders at the thought.
Nurse: Mr. Tentacles?!
Squidward: Finally! Let's get this over with! [walks behind the curtains]
[SpongeBob puts his medical examination paper in his head.]
Mr. Krabs:[whimpering] Ooh...So, Boy-o...how was it in there? Anything I should be...terrified of?
SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs! Getting a checkup is the best! The nurse poked me [pokes himself] and prodded me [prods himself] and jabbed me... [punches himself] and pulled me [stretches] and twisted me. [twists himself] And—
[Mr. Krabs covers SpongeBob's mouth.]
Mr. Krabs: Okay, okay. That's enough. [giggles]
Squidward: You want me to what?
Mr. Krabs:[whimpering] Ooh...
Nurse:[points to sample cup] Fill this, please.
Squidward: Hmph. [mumbling as he takes the cup]
[Squidward and the nurse look at each other for a bit.]
Squidward: Could I get a little privacy?
[Squidward turns around and whizzes some of his ink in the cup. He hands the cup back to the nurse.]
Nurse: Hmm...good color. [dips a pen in the ink and writes on the clipboard] Solid line fidelity. The ink is a little thick, though.
Nurse: You just need to drink more water. You pass. [gives Squidward his medical examination paper; she and Squidward walk out behind the curtains] Is there a...Eugene Krabs?!
SpongeBob: Your turn, Mr. K.
[Mr. Krabs runs into his office, locks the door, and barricades himself behind brick walls. Mr. Krabs opens his safe, takes out the formula, and hides in the safe.]
Squidward: Ha, ha! Looks like the old man is scared of getting his checkup.
Nurse: This is no laughing matter! Every employee must get their checkup or the restaurant will be closed under orders of Bikini Bottom Better Business Bureau.
Squidward:[gasps] Not the...B.B.B.B.B!
SpongeBob: You heard her. The...[flaps his lips]
Squidward: Perhaps we could reach some sort of understanding.
SpongeBob: Oh, oh, I know! We'll give Mr. Krabs his checkup over the weekend and you just pick up the results on Monday. [in singsong as he forms the words, "Everybody Wins" and the heavenly chorus sings in the background] Everybody wins!
Squidward: I was just gonna bribe her. [pulls out some money]
Nurse: Monday works. [takes the money and leaves]
SpongeBob: Yay! We get to spend the weekend together!
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs walking down the streets on Bikini Bottom.]
Mr. Krabs:[humming] Dodged that bullet!
SpongeBob:[peaks from behind a building and gasps] He's coming!
Squidward: It says here the first part of Krabs' exam is the pinch test. We just need to do it in a way he doesn't know he's being tested!
SpongeBob: Way ahead of ya! [makes a charity box that offers free money with an empty cardboard box] We'll make him an offer he can't resist!
Squidward:[reading] "Free Money Inside." Ha. Not bad.
SpongeBob:[grabs Squidward] Come on, before he sees us! [pulls him in the box]
[Mr. Krabs comes by.]
Mr. Krabs:[humming] Huh? Free money, hey? [chuckles] Don't mind if I do!
[Mr. Krabs shoves his claw in the box and moves around.]
Mr. Krabs:[humming] Where's that money? I'm not feeling any money!
[As Mr. Krabs tries to find money, his claw almost grabs Squidward and SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Okay. I brought plenty of things for Mr. Krabs to pinch—a pinch of salt—
[Mr. Krabs' claw flips the plate of salt into SpongeBob's face, which causes him to shrink and dry up. SpongeBob inhales some water in his body.]
SpongeBob:[holds up a baby] A baby's cheek!
[Mr. Krabs' claw chops off the baby's head, which turns out to be a robot.]
SpongeBob: Lucky that was a robot body. [throws the robot in Squidward's face]
Squidward: SpongeBob, quit fooling around! [gets grabbed in the nose by Mr. Krabs' claw] Ow! [moaning as the claw twists his nose] We need to test his ability to pinch something tough, you ninny!
SpongeBob: Tough, huh? Gosh, the toughest thing I can think of is...Mr. Krabs himself!
[SpongeBob grabs Mr. Krabs arms and ties them together. Mr. Krabs' right claw pinches his left claw, causing him to groan in pain. The claws crack and break into pieces, revealing his flabby, soft skin underneath.
Mr. Krabs:[shrill scream] Ohhh! Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! Me achin' pinchers! And I didn't even get any money!
[A coin is tossed out of the box.]
Mr. Krabs: Hee hee! A penny! It's me lucky day! [giggling as he tries to pick up the penny]
Squidward: Pinch test failed. Well, maybe he'll do better on the eye stalk test.
[The scene changes to Tailor Tom's Tailor Shop. SpongeBob puts a sign that says, "Free Suits Today Only" on the store's window. Mr. Krabs comes by with bandages on his claws. He then takes notice of the sign on the store's window.]
Mr. Krabs: Free suits? Oh, boy! [runs into the store]
SpongeBob:[disguised as a tailor with Squidward as the legs] Welcome, sir.
[Squidward attempts to walk through the disguise, but keeps tripping over various things.]
SpongeBob: Step up here, and we'll begin.
[Mr. Krabs steps up on the platform while SpongeBob looks down.]
SpongeBob:[quietly] Squidward, do you have the measuring tape?
[Squidward reaches in the suit's pocket and gives SpongeBob the measuring tape.]
SpongeBob: Just grabbing some measurements...
[SpongeBob measures Mr. Krabs' eyes and wraps them around with the measuring tape. He tightens his eyes with the tape and spins him around.]
SpongeBob: Sir, try to keep still.
[SpongeBob moves Mr. Krabs' eyes and they tick-tock like a metronome. Then he squeezes Mr. Krabs' left eye.]
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, there! Don't you need some other measurements? I mean, how 'bout my inseam? [jangling as he shakes his butt]
SpongeBob: Uh, no, you can put that away, sir. I'm almost done.
[Squidward kicks Mr. Krabs. SpongeBob pushes Mr. Krabs' left eye a couple times, which makes both of the eyes go up and down on the right socket. Then he shakes Mr. Krabs' left eye, but accidentally breaks it off.]
Mr. Krabs: Aah! That's it! [grabs his eye] Get off me, you terrible tailor!
[Mr. Krabs walks out of the store, with his right eye wearing a suit and hat.]
SpongeBob: Tell your friends about us!
Mr. Krabs: Not likely!
Squidward:[sticks his head out of the disguise] How'd he do?
SpongeBob: Oh, he didn't make the cut.
Squidward: Of course. [holds up clipboard] Up next, it says we have to get him an X-ray of him. Any ideas?
SpongeBob: I do have one plan that might work.
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs putting his left eye back in place.]
SpongeBob:[disguised as a photographer] Hello there, sir! Are you rightfully afraid of your own mortality? Wanna make sure that when you're gone, you are not forgotten? Well, step on up and marvel at the latest technological wonder—photography! [shows some photos] Preserve your precious punim for generations to come! [flies around and falls on his face] Conquer time itself at absolutely no charge to you!
Mr. Krabs: No charge, hey? [spits and makes himself pretty] Well...I am very "photogeneric."
[Mr. Krabs steps into the photo booth.]
Mr. Krabs: Let's see...how do you start this thing? Oh! Here we go!
[Mr. Krabs pushes the red button and the x-ray examines him. Outside the photo booth, Squidward and SpongeBob are looking at Mr. Krabs' skeleton through the x-ray.]
Mr. Krabs: Hoo! Gettin' kinda hot in here! [chuckles and the x-ray continues to scan; smoke begins to spew out] Should my underwear be on fire?
SpongeBob: How many X-rays of Mr. Krabs do we need?
Squidward:[looks at the clipboard] Just one. How many did you set it to take?
Mr. Krabs: Uh...this is getting a little...[gibberish] Eh...thank you. [comes out and is completely electrocuted from the x-ray] No more pictures, please. [walks off and his skeleton inside him crumbles into dust]
SpongeBob: Squidward, is his skeleton supposed to just fall apart like that?
Squidward: Not at all. On to the next test.
[The scene changes to Mr. Krabs, who appeared to some what recovered from his x-ray experience, walking past the spa.]
Mr. Krabs:[moans] Oh...oh... Oh, what a day.
SpongeBob:[comes out of the spa, disguised as a hippie] Hey, man, you look like you've had a rough day. How'd ya like to chill out with a nice massage? It's free.
Mr. Krabs:[shakes his head] Free, huh?
Mr. Krabs: Eh. Okay. Let's get this over with. [walks into the spa]
Squidward: Remember, [holds up the thermometer] this is the cold-blooded test. Just take his temperature.
SpongeBob: You got it, best friend.
Squidward: Don't call me that.
SpongeBob:[pokes Squidward's nose with the thermometer] Boop!
Squidward:[stammers as he leaves] Don't you do that!
[SpongeBob walks back into the spa and Mr. Krabs is laying naked on the table.]
Mr. Krabs: I'm ready!
SpongeBob: All right, man, let's see if we can, like, work out some of this tension. [pulls down a rope and the mattress sends Mr. Krabs flying]
Mr. Krabs: Why, you—Oh, no, no, no, no, no! [flies into the freezer]
[The freezer door closes and SpongeBob pulls the lever to the freezing point.]
Squidward: How's the cold-blooded test going?
SpongeBob: Great! He's in the freezer right now.
Squidward: SpongeBob, you moron! Cold-blooded means your body is the same temperature as the water around it, not that you're actually cold!
[Mr. Krabs comes out of the freezer, shivering in a block of ice.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward? Whyyyyyy?
Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs, I'm so sorry! We had to give you your physical without you knowing, or the Krusty Krab would've been shut down, and I'd have to get a real job!
SpongeBob: All right! Final test! Shell durability! [whacks the block of ice with a mallet]
Mr. Krabs:[the ice cracks] No, no, no, no, no, no! [stammering]
[The ice, along with Mr. Krabs' shell and teeth, breaks into pieces, leaving him toothless and revealing his flabby, soft skin.]
Mr. Krabs:[muffled, lisping] Now you see why I don't like checkups? [sobbing]
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. Yes, you failed every test today, but Squidward and I will whip you into shape, even if it takes the rest of the weekend!
[Mr. Krabs continues to sob. The scene changes to Mussel Beach at Goo Lagoon, where Larry the Lobster is doing some weight-lifting with some other strong fish. Mr. Krabs is also there, attempting to do some weight-lifting with SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Let's kick it up a notch! [adds some heavier weights]
[Mr. Krabs struggles to lift the heavier weights with all of his might while his eyes form veins. However, his arms break into pieces due to how heavy they are.]
Mr. Krabs: Whoa—no!
[His arms blow out air and Mr. Krabs flies around like a deflating balloon. He lands on a treadmill and begins to run on it. SpongeBob turns the dial and makes the treadmill go super fast. As Mr. Krabs runs, he hyperventilates and the treadmill begins to shred Mr. Krabs into dust.]
Mr. Krabs:[stammering] Oh—oh—no—oh, jeez—ohh!
[Mr. Krabs is now a pile of dust and the scene changes to Mr. Krabs' house.]
SpongeBob: I don't know what we did wrong, Squidward. Mr. Krabs looks worse than before!
[Mr. Krabs moans in pain inside his broken shell.]
Squidward: I guess that nurse is gonna close the Krusty Krab after all. I wish I could say it's been a pleasure working with you.
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, I'll miss you too! [hugs Squidward and sobs]
Mr. Krabs: Quit yer blubberin', boy. Me body may be mush, but me mind's sharp as a tack! And I...have a plan.
[The scene changes back to the Krusty Krab.]
Nurse: Good morning! I assume your boss passed his physical?
Squidward: Oh, um...yes. Of course he did. Um, unfortunately, our results were—
SpongeBob: Uh, eaten!
Squidward:[covers SpongeBob's mouth] Yeah, yeah. Um, anyway, we thought you could give old Mr. K another exam yourself. He's in his office.
Nurse: Hmm...Very well.
[The nurse walks into the office. SpongeBob and Squidward run to the door and hear various noises inside. Then moments later, the nurse comes back out.]
Nurse: Mr. Krabs...not only did you pass your exam, you might be the most astonishingly excellent physical specimen I've ever seen! [laughs]
SpongeBob and Squidward: Whew!
Larry:[wearing Mr. Krabs' clothing] My name is Mr. Krabs, and I love money!
Nurse: Yes. You said so several times during the examination.
[Larry imitates Mr. Krabs' laugh.]
Nurse: I suppose I won't need to close your restaurant today. See you next year. [leaves]
Mr. Krabs:[comes in on a wheelchair with bandages] Whoo-hoo! We did it, boys! The Krusty Krab lives to see another day! Three cheers for a successful ruse!
SpongeBob: Let's just make it one.
SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs: Hip, hip, hooray!
Larry:[comes out of the office] So, you said there would be some money in this for me?
[Mr. Krabs squeals. Larry, Squidward, and SpongeBob pause for a moment as they look at Mr. Krabs' broken shell. Squidward touches Mr. Krabs' shell and it crumbles into dust. Mr. Krabs, who is without his shell, runs out and laughs like crazy.]
Mr. Krabs: You'll never get me money! [laughs as he runs away without his shell]