Changes: The Camping Episode/transcript

Revision as of 22:30, 6 July 2013

Template:EpisodeTr/57b

Squidward: [enters his bedroom in nightgown, with book, and cup of tea] Ahh, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. [gestures to "Dance Quarterly" calendar on wall] This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? [thought bubble appears over Squidward]
SpongeBob: [in Squidward's thoughts, walking along with Patrick, both have camping gear strapped to their backs] Patrick, I'm scared! [thought bubble disappears]
Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be great! [jumps into bed] You've waited a long time for this! A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no... [laughs just like SpongeBob and imitates his goofy, big-eyed face] da-a-a-a-a, da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! [hears SpongeBob's real laugh outside] What the...? [goes outside to find SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent, complete with sleeping bags and books, the two are laughing] SpongeBob! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?
SpongeBob: We are camping.
Squidward: SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house. [camera zooms out to show tent's location]
SpongeBob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?
Squidward: No.
SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside. [Squidward leaves; SpongeBob and Patrick pull their book back out, along with a flashlight, and begin to read and giggle]
Squidward: [pops back into tent, glaring] What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
SpongeBob: Just... have fun inside! See you tomorrow.
Squidward: Oh. Bye. [exits; SpongeBob and Patrick resume reading; Squidward enters tent again and gasps] You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: You're saying I can't take it!
SpongeBob: But all I...
Squidward: [holds up tentacle] Aah. You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! [exits tent]
SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside!
Squidward: [pokes head back into tent, blowing SpongeBob and Patrick back with his loud voice] That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping! [runs into his house]
SpongeBob: [to Patrick] Squidward's gonna come camping with us! [both climb out of tent and giggle]
Squidward: [emerges with large camping backpack] Now you'll see how a real... ugh! [falls face forward on the ground, squished by the immense backpack] ...outdoorsman does it! [climbs out from underneath; pulls pouch from backpack] Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. [SpongeBob takes out binoculars, Patrick a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Squidward tosses pouch into the air and presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the tent appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground]
SpongeBob: That was great, Squidward, but how do you get inside?
Patrick: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.
Squidward: It isn't put up yet, you idiots! [grumbles, picking up the tent and fiddling around with it and accidentally rips it]
SpongeBob: [still acting like he and Patrick are taking notes] Customization!
Patrick: Genius!
[Squidward beats on the tent with a wooden stake]
SpongeBob: He's tenderizing the ground!
Patrick: Of course!
[Squidward is still struggling with the tent]
SpongeBob: Write that down, write that down! [Patrick still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a tic-tac-toe game in progress on his notepad]
Squidward: [gives the pile a huge kick. it automatically becomes an assembled tent] Huh? Voila! [the perfect tent collapses to pile form again; Squidward pushes it out of the way] But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? [takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; SpongeBob and Patrick applaud vigorously] Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?
SpongeBob: [laughs] Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows. [pulls out "Marsh King" bag and pops a marshmallow into his mouth] Mmm... just like the astronauts eat.
Patrick: [has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of an astronaut suit; imitates static noise] Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over.
SpongeBob: [also has "helmet". imitates static noise] SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over.
Patrick: [static] Patrick to SpongeBob. I like going [static]. Over.
SpongeBob: [static] SpongeBob to Patrick. [static] Me too. [Patrick and Spongebob starts alternately repeating noises. Squidward looks immensely annoyed. Static] SpongeBob to Patrick. Help yourself. Over. [holds out Marsh King bag]
Patrick: Yummy! [takes marshmallow and crams it into his mouth, smashing his "helmet"] Patrick to SpongeBob. The deliciousness has landed!
Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls [holds up can so we can read its label], just as soon as I can get my can opener.
SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?
Squidward: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.
SpongeBob: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.
Patrick: Pretty weenie!
Squidward: All right, all right, gimme a marshmallow.
[Squidward begins toasting his marshmallow lightly. Patrick, sitting across from him, sets his on fire and tries to blow on it to cool it down, but the marshmallow flies off and hits Squidward in the face. Patrick gets another marshmallow and repeats the same thing twice. After two marshmallows to the face, Squidward ducks, but the third marshmallow has a boomerang effect and hits Squidward in the back of the head]
Squidward: Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
SpongeBob: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "The Campfire Song Song". ♪Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along...♪
Patrick: ♪Bum! Bum! Bum!♪
SpongeBob & Patrick: [Patrick slightly behind SpongeBob in the words] ♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!♪
SpongeBob: ♪And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along...♪
Patrick: ♪Sing another song...♪
SpongeBob: ♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song♪ Patrick!
Patrick: ♪SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E…♪
SpongeBob: ♪Squidward! [silence] Good! It'll help… it'll help… If you just sing along!♪ [SpongeBob smashes his ukulele like a guitar at the end of a rock show. Patrick does the same with his drum set] ♪Oh yeah!♪ Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?
Squidward: No! This is relaxing. [holds up clarinet and begins badly playing "Kumbaya"; SpongeBob and Patrick look alarmed]
SpongeBob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! [picks up marshmallow and slingshots it at Squidward; it goes up his clarinet and sticks in the back of his throat; SpongeBob comes over to assist him] Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
Squidward: BETTER?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
SpongeBob: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract... a sea bear.
Squidward: [in a low, cautious tone] A sea bear? You mean like the ones that... [In an angry tone] DON'T EXIST?!
SpongeBob: What are you saying?
Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth.
SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. [holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper]
Squidward: [reads cover story] "I Married a Sea Bear"?
Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly! [holds up newspaper]
Squidward: [reads] "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Squidward: Okay. Then what?
SpongeBob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Squidward: You're kidding.
SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Patrick: Yeah.
Squidward: [writes on notepad] Go on.
SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.
Squidward: Sliced or cubed?
SpongeBob: [whispers with Patrick] Cubed. Sliced is fine.
Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero...
Patrick: ...in a goofy fashion!
SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
SpongeBob: And never...
Patrick: Ever...
SpongeBob: Ever...
Patrick: Duh!
SpongeBob and Patrick: ...screech like a chimpanzee!
Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [huddling together, shuddering] They're horrible!
Squidward: And... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Why?
Squidward: I don't know... [runs off and returns with a flashlight, clown shoes, hoop skirt, sombrero, and tray full of cubed cheese; a diabolical look is on his face] Just a feeling!
SpongeBob: [horrified] No.
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob: No.
[Squidward begins making chimp noises]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward, please don't!
[Squidward continues hooting, stomping, and waving flashlight around]
Patrick: SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear's sure to come and eat us!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. [takes stick and draws circle around himself and Patrick]
Patrick: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.
Squidward: [laughing] You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear, and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
Squidward: Oh, pfft. Sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this? [Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead]
SpongeBob: No. Like that.
[camera zooms out to show the sea bear that inverted Squidward's sombrero; it looks like a giant fish with the head of a bear and claws on its fins; it begins to maul [off-camera] the screaming Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick are still huddled inside their anti-sea-bear circle]
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
Squidward: [looking bruised and battered] No.
SpongeBob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!
Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.
Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!
SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!
Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have...
[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling.
[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
Squidward: What'd I do that time?
SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.
Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. [tosses Squidward the stick]
Squidward: Okay.
[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]
SpongeBob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle!
Squidward: [runs and climbs on top of SpongeBob and Patrick, who are still sitting in the circle] Move over! [the sea bear comes up to the circle, sniffs it, points a threatening claw at Squidward, and leaves] Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! [everyone cheers "hooray"]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros!
Squidward: What attracts them?
Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack.
[a modified rhinoceros with fins appears, snorting]
SpongeBob: Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, heh heh. Right, Squidward?
Squidward: Huh?

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
+{{EpisodeTr/57b}}
-{{BTranscript
+{{L|Squidward|''[enters his bedroom in nightgown, with book, and cup of tea]'' Ahh, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. ''[gestures to "Dance Quarterly" calendar on wall]'' This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? ''[thought bubble appears over Squidward]''}}
-|prev = Krabby Land
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[in Squidward's thoughts, walking along with Patrick, both have camping gear strapped to their backs]'' Patrick, I'm scared! ''[thought bubble disappears]''}}
-|title = The Camping Episode
+{{L|Squidward|Ho-ho, that would be great! ''[jumps into bed]'' You've waited a long time for this! A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no... ''[laughs just like SpongeBob and imitates his goofy, big-eyed face]'' da-a-a-a-a, da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! ''[hears SpongeBob's real laugh outside]'' What the...? ''[goes outside to find SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent, complete with sleeping bags and books, the two are laughing]'' SpongeBob! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?}}
-|next = Missing Identity
+{{L|SpongeBob|We are camping.}}
-|titlecard = The Camping Episode.jpg
+{{L|Squidward|SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house. ''[camera zooms out to show tent's location]''}}
-|season = 3
+{{L|SpongeBob|Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?}}
-|episode = 57b
+{{L|Squidward|No.}}
-|airdate = [[April 3]], [[2004]]
+{{L|SpongeBob|Okay. Have fun inside. ''[Squidward leaves; SpongeBob and Patrick pull their book back out, along with a flashlight, and begin to read and giggle]''}}
-|seasonname = three
+{{L|Squidward|''[pops back into tent, glaring]'' What do you mean, "have fun inside"?}}
-}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Just... have fun inside! See you tomorrow.}}
-*Squidward: (enters his bedroom with lube, porno, and pack of cigarettes) Ahh, finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend. (gestures to "Fuck Awkwardly" calendar on wall) This is the weekend that SpongeBob and Patrick go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the Patricks hair and never came back? (thought bubble appears over Squidward)
+{{L|Squidward|Oh. Bye. ''[exits; SpongeBob and Patrick resume reading; Squidward enters tent again and gasps]'' You little sneak! I see what you're doing!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|What?}}
-*SpongeBob: (in Squidward's thoughts, getting buried in pubes) Patrick, I'm scared! (thought bubble disappears)
+{{L|Squidward|Don't think I can't see what you're doing!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|What?}}
-*Squidward: Ho-ho, that would be gay! (jumps into bed) You've waited a long time for this! A hard penis, sweet Marlboro, a good porno, and two whole days with.... (laughs just like SpongeBob and imitates his jacking off) da-a-a-a-a, da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a! (hears SpongeBob's real laugh outside) What the....? (goes outside to find SpongeBob and Patrick in a tent, complete with condoms and truffles, the two are laughing) SpongeBob! Aren't you two supposed to be camping?
+{{L|Squidward|You're saying I can't take it!}}
-*SpongeBob: We are camping.
+{{L|SpongeBob|But all I...}}
+{{L|Squidward|''[holds up tentacle]'' Aah. You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! ''[exits tent]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Okay. Have fun inside!}}
-*Squidward: SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten miles from your house. (camera zooms out to show tent's location)
+{{L|Squidward|''[pokes head back into tent, blowing SpongeBob and Patrick back with his loud voice]'' That's it! I'm in! I'll show you camping! ''[runs into his house]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[to Patrick]'' Squidward's gonna come camping with us! ''[both climb out of tent and giggle]''}}
-*SpongeBob: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft porn folk are safe in their beds jacking off, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of semen. You wanna join us?
+{{L|Squidward|''[emerges with large camping backpack]'' Now you'll see how a real... ugh! ''[falls face forward on the ground, squished by the immense backpack]'' ...outdoorsman does it! ''[climbs out from underneath; pulls pouch from backpack]'' Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. ''[SpongeBob takes out binoculars, Patrick a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Squidward tosses pouch into the air and presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the tent appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|That was great, Squidward, but how do you get inside?}}
-*Squidward: No.
+{{L|Patrick|Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.}}
+{{L|Squidward|It isn't put up yet, you idiots! ''[grumbles, picking up the tent and fiddling around with it and accidentally rips it]''}}
-*SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside. (Squidward leaves; SpongeBob and Patrick pull their gay porn back out, along with a flashlight, and begin to read and fuck)
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[still acting like he and Patrick are taking notes]'' Customization!}}
+{{L|Patrick|Genius!}}
-*Squidward: (pops back into tent, glaring) What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
+{{L|''[Squidward beats on the tent with a wooden stake]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|He's tenderizing the ground!}}
-*SpongeBob: Just.... have fun inside! See you tomorrow.
+{{L|Patrick|Of course!}}
+{{L|''[Squidward is still struggling with the tent]''}}
-*Squidward: Oh. Bye. (exits; SpongeBob and Patrick resume reading; Squidward enters tent again and gasps) You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
+{{L|SpongeBob|Write that down, write that down! ''[Patrick still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a tic-tac-toe game in progress on his notepad]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|''[gives the pile a huge kick. it automatically becomes an assembled tent]'' Huh? Voila! ''[the perfect tent collapses to pile form again; Squidward pushes it out of the way]'' But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? ''[takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; SpongeBob and Patrick applaud vigorously]'' Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?}}
-*SpongeBob: What?
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[laughs]'' Nope, we've got something even better! Marshmallows. ''[pulls out "Marsh King" bag and pops a marshmallow into his mouth]'' Mmm... just like the astronauts eat.}}
+{{L|Patrick|''[has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of an astronaut suit; imitates static noise]'' Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over.}}
-*Squidward: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[also has "helmet". imitates static noise]'' SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over.}}
+{{L|Patrick|''[static]'' Patrick to SpongeBob. I like going ''[static]''. Over.}}
-*SpongeBob: What?
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[static]'' SpongeBob to Patrick. ''[static]'' Me too. ''[Patrick and Spongebob starts alternately repeating noises. Squidward looks immensely annoyed. Static]'' SpongeBob to Patrick. Help yourself. Over. ''[holds out Marsh King bag]''}}
+{{L|Patrick|Yummy! ''[takes marshmallow and crams it into his mouth, smashing his "helmet"]'' Patrick to SpongeBob. The deliciousness has landed!}}
-*Squidward: You're saying I can't take it!
+{{L|Squidward|Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls ''[holds up can so we can read its label]'', just as soon as I can get my can opener.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?}}
-*SpongeBob: But all I....
+{{L|Squidward|Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit.}}
-*Squidward: (holds up tentacle) Aah. You're saying I'm soft cock! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come fucking with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna fuck out here all night with you two losers! So, get used to it! (exits tent)
+{{L|Patrick|Pretty weenie!}}
+{{L|Squidward|All right, all right, gimme a marshmallow.}}
-*SpongeBob: Okay. Have fun inside (whispers to Patrick "me")!
+{{L|''[Squidward begins toasting his marshmallow lightly. Patrick, sitting across from him, sets his on fire and tries to blow on it to cool it down, but the marshmallow flies off and hits Squidward in the face. Patrick gets another marshmallow and repeats the same thing twice. After two marshmallows to the face, Squidward ducks, but the third marshmallow has a boomerang effect and hits Squidward in the back of the head]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?}}
-*Squidward: (pokes head back into tent, blowing SpongeBob and Patrick back with his loud voice) That's it! I'm in! I'll show you fucking! (runs into his house)
+{{L|SpongeBob|Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "The Campfire Song Song". ♪Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along...♪}}
+{{L|Patrick|♪Bum! Bum! Bum!♪}}
-*SpongeBob: (to Patrick) Squidward's gonna come fuck with us! (both climb out of tent and giggle)
+{{L|SpongeBob & Patrick|''[Patrick slightly behind SpongeBob in the words]'' ♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!♪}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|♪And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong but it'll help if you just sing along...♪}}
-*Squidward: (emerges with large cock) Now you'll see how a real.... ugh! (falls face forward on the ground, lands on boner) ....gay man does it! (climbs out from underneath; pulls pouch from backpack) Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling dildo. Watch and learn. (SpongeBob takes out binoculars, Patrick a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Squidward tosses pouch into the air and presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the dildo appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground)
+{{L|Patrick|♪Sing another song...♪}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|♪C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song♪ Patrick! }}
-*SpongeBob: That was great, Squidward, but how do you get it inside?
+{{L|Patrick|♪SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E…♪}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|♪Squidward! ''[silence]'' Good! It'll help… it'll help… If you just sing along!♪ ''[SpongeBob smashes his ukulele like a guitar at the end of a rock show. Patrick does the same with his drum set]'' ♪Oh yeah!♪ Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?}}
-*Patrick: Yeah, it's too wide.
+{{L|Squidward|No! This is relaxing. ''[holds up clarinet and begins badly playing "Kumbaya"; SpongeBob and Patrick look alarmed]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! ''[picks up marshmallow and slingshots it at Squidward; it goes up his clarinet and sticks in the back of his throat; SpongeBob comes over to assist him]'' Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?}}
-*Squidward: I have a big ass, you idiots! (grumbles, picking up the dildo and "fiddling" around with it)
+{{L|Squidward|BETTER?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract... a sea bear.}}
-*SpongeBob: (still acting like he and Patrick are taking notes) Customization!
+{{L|Squidward|''[in a low, cautious tone]'' A sea bear? You mean like the ones that... ''[In an angry tone]'' DON'T EXIST?!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|What are you saying?}}
-*Patrick: Genius!
-(Squidward masturbates with a wooden stake)
+{{L|Squidward|There's no such thing! They're just a myth.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. ''[holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|''[reads cover story]'' "I Married a Sea Bear"?}}
-*SpongeBob: He's tenderizing the ass!
+{{L|Patrick|Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly! ''[holds up newspaper]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|''[reads]'' "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!}}
-*Patrick: Of course!
+{{L|Patrick|Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!}}
-(Squidward is still struggling with the dildo)
+{{L|SpongeBob|Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...}}
+{{L|Squidward|You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?}}
-*SpongeBob: Write that down, write that down! (Patrick still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a big "UH" in progress on his notepad)
+{{L|SpongeBob|Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.}}
+{{L|Squidward|Okay. Then what?}}
-*Squidward: (gives the dildo a huge shove; it automatically goes up ass) Huh? Voila! (the perfect dildo inflates again; Squidward gets hemhorroids) But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? (takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; SpongeBob and Patrick fuck vigorously) Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and cocks, right?
+{{L|SpongeBob|Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.}}
+{{L|Patrick|Flashlights are their natural prey.}}
-*SpongeBob: (laughs) Nope, we've got something even better! Cummallows. (pulls out "Kum King" bag and pops a cummallow into his mouth) Mmm.... just like the niggas eat.
+{{L|Squidward|You're kidding.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.}}
-*Patrick: (has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of Sandy; imitates squirrel noise) Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over.
+{{L|Patrick|Yeah.}}
+{{L|Squidward| ''[writes on notepad]'' Go on.}}
-*SpongeBob: (also has "helmet"; imitates squirrel noise) SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over.
+{{L|SpongeBob|Don't ever eat cheese.}}
+{{L|Squidward|Sliced or cubed?}}
-*Patrick: (static) Patrick to SpongeBob. I like going (squirrel). In.
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[whispers with Patrick]'' Cubed. Sliced is fine.}}
+{{L|Squidward|Yeah, yeah, and?}}
-*SpongeBob: (static) SpongeBob to Patrick. (quirrel) Me too.
+{{L|SpongeBob|Never wear a sombrero...}}
-*Patrick: (squirrel)
+{{L|Patrick|...in a goofy fashion!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Or clown shoes.}}
+{{L|Patrick|Or a hoop skirt.}}
-*SpongeBob: (squirrel)
+{{L|SpongeBob|And never...}}
-(the two repeat noises, Squidward looks immensely aroused)
+{{L|Patrick|Ever...}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Ever...}}
-*SpongeBob: (static) SpongeBob to Patrick. Help yourself. Over. (holds out cock)
+{{L|Patrick|Duh!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|...screech like a chimpanzee!}}
-*Patrick: Yummy! (takes cock and crams it into his mouth, smashing his "helmet") Patrick to SpongeBob. The deliciousness has cum!
+{{L|Squidward|Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|''[huddling together, shuddering]'' They're horrible!}}
-*Squidward: Well, you two astronauts can eat cock, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Balls (holds up can so we can read its label), just as soon as I can get my condom.
+{{L|Squidward|And... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Why?}}
-*SpongeBob: But Squidward, didn't you take a condom when you hiked out here?
+{{L|Squidward|I don't know... ''[runs off and returns with a flashlight, clown shoes, hoop skirt, sombrero, and tray full of cubed cheese; a diabolical look is on his face]'' Just a feeling!}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|''[horrified]'' No.}}
-*Squidward: Why would I bother? Im a virgin.
+{{L|Squidward|Yes.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|No.}}
-*SpongeBob: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the gay spirit.
+{{L|''[Squidward begins making chimp noises]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|Squidward, please don't!}}
-*Patrick: (looks at own penis) Pretty weenie....
+{{L|''[Squidward continues hooting, stomping, and waving flashlight around]''}}
+{{L|Patrick|SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear's sure to come and eat us!}}
-*Squidward: All right, all right, gimme a break.
+{{L|SpongeBob|Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. ''[takes stick and draws circle around himself and Patrick]''}}
-(Squidward begins toasting his cock lightly. Patrick, sitting across from him, sets his on fire and tries to blow it to cool it down, but the cum flies off and hits Squidward in the face. Patrick gets another cock and repeats the same thing twice. After two cumballs to the face, Squidward ducks, but the third spray has a boomerang effect and hits Squidward in the back of the head.)
+{{L|Patrick|Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.}}
+{{L|Squidward|''[laughing]'' You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear, and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?}}
-*Squidward: Okay. Besides spitting molten dick stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
+{{L|SpongeBob|Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.}}
+{{L|Squidward|Oh, pfft. Sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this? ''[Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead]''}}
-*SpongeBob: Well, after a long day of fucking, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "Baby Its Friday"
+{{L|SpongeBob|No. Like that.}}
-Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Baby baby baby awwwwwww (while fucking). Its Friday gotta sleep around on friday...
+{{L|''[camera zooms out to show the sea bear that inverted Squidward's sombrero; it looks like a giant fish with the head of a bear and claws on its fins; it begins to maul ''[off-camera]'' the screaming Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick are still huddled inside their anti-sea-bear circle]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Squidward, are you okay?}}
-*Patrick: (patting dick) Bum bum bum....
+{{L|Squidward|''[looking bruised and battered]'' No.}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!}}
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: (Patrick slightly behind SpongeBob in the words) Fucking in he front seat fuckin in the back seat. Gotta make my mind up. Which guy should I lay?
+{{L|Patrick|Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.}}
-Squidward: AAAAAAAAAAAA it burns!!!!!!!!!!!!
+{{L|Squidward|Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!}}
-Ahh, now, wasn't that relaxing?
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|No!!}}
+{{L|''[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]''}}
-*Squidward: No! This is relaxing. ( begins badly singing "Bohemian Rhapsody"; ("easy cum easy blow always high never low" SpongeBob and Patrick look alarmed)
+{{L|SpongeBob|Don't run! Sea bears hate that!}}
+{{L|Squidward|Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.}}
-*SpongeBob: Oh no! I'll save you, Squidward! (picks up cock and slingshots cum at Squidward; it goes up his clarinet and sticks in the back of his throat; SpongeBob comes over to assist him) Squidward, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
+{{L|SpongeBob and Patrick|No!!}}
+{{L|''[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]''}}
-*Squidward: BETTER?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
+{{L|SpongeBob|They hate limping more than running!}}
+{{L|Squidward|Well, I guess I'll just have...}}
-*SpongeBob: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract.... a sea bear.
+{{L|''[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|I should have warned you about crawling.}}
-*Squidward: (in a low, cautious tone) A sea bear? You mean like the ones that.... DON'T EXIST?!
+{{L|''[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|What'd I do that time?}}
-*SpongeBob: What are you saying?
+{{L|SpongeBob|I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.}}
+{{L|Patrick|Pretend to be somebody else!}}
-*Squidward: There's no such thing! They're just a myth.
+{{L|SpongeBob|Here, draw a circle. ''[tosses Squidward the stick]''}}
+{{L|Squidward|Okay.}}
-*SpongeBob: Oh no, Squidward, sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer. (holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper)
+{{L|''[the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|That was an oval. It has to be a circle!}}
-*Squidward: (reads cover story) "I Married a Sea Bear"?
+{{L|Squidward|''[runs and climbs on top of SpongeBob and Patrick, who are still sitting in the circle]'' Move over! ''[the sea bear comes up to the circle, sniffs it, points a threatening claw at Squidward, and leaves]'' Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! ''[everyone cheers "hooray"]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros!}}
-*Patrick: Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!
+{{L|Squidward|What attracts them?}}
+{{L|Patrick|The sound of a sea bear attack.}}
-*Squidward: (reads) "Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
+{{L|''[a modified rhinoceros with fins appears, snorting]''}}
+{{L|SpongeBob|Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, heh heh. Right, Squidward?}}
-*Patrick: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
+{{L|Squidward|Huh?}}
-*SpongeBob: Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
-*Squidward: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
-*SpongeBob: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
-*Squidward: Okay. Then what?
-*SpongeBob: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
-*Patrick: Flashlights are their natural prey.
-*Squidward: You're kidding.
-*SpongeBob: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
-*Patrick: Yeah.
-*Squidward: Go on.
-*SpongeBob: Don't ever eat cheese.
-*Squidward: Sliced or cubed?
-*SpongeBob: (whispers with Patrick) Cubed. Sliced is fine.
-*Squidward: Yeah, yeah, and?
-*SpongeBob: Never wear a sombrero....
-*Patrick: ....in a goofy fashion!
-*SpongeBob: Or clown shoes.
-*Patrick: Or a hoop skirt.
-*SpongeBob: And never....
-*Patrick: Ever....
-*SpongeBob: Ever....
-*Patrick: Duh!
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: ....screech like a chimpanzee!
-*Squidward: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a sea bear off!
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: (huddling together, shuddering) They're horrible!
-*Squidward: And.... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger.
-SpongeBob and Patrick: Why?
-*Squidward: I don't know.... (runs off and returns with a flashlight, clown shoes, hoop skirt, sombrero, and tray full of cubed cheese; a diabolical look is on his face) Just a feeling!
-*SpongeBob: (horrified) No.
-*Squidward: Yes.
-*SpongeBob: No.
-(Squidward begins making chimp noises)
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward, please don't!
-(Squidward continues hooting, stomping, and waving flashlight around)
-*Patrick: SpongeBob, what are we gonna do? A sea bear's sure to come and eat us!
-*SpongeBob: Don't worry, Patrick. I'll draw us an anti-sea-bear circle in the dirt. (takes stick and draws circle around himself and Patrick)
-*Patrick: Good thinking! All the experts say it's the only defense against a sea bear attack.
-*Squidward: (laughing) You guys are so gullible. See? I did everything that attracts a sea bear, and nothing happened. If sea bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
-*SpongeBob: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
-*Squidward: Oh, pfft. Sorry, how silly of me! You mean like this? (Squidward tilts his sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead)
-*SpongeBob: No. Like that.
-(camera zooms out to show the sea bear that inverted Squidward's sombrero; it looks like a giant fish with the head of a bear and claws on its fins; it begins to maul [off-camera] the screaming Squidward while SpongeBob and Patrick are still huddled inside their anti-sea-bear circle)
-*SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
-*Squidward: (looking bruised and battered) No.
-*SpongeBob: Quick! Jump inside our anti-sea-bear circle before he comes back!
-*Patrick: Yeah. Sea bears often attack more than once.
-*Squidward: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster. I'm running for my life!
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
-(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
-*SpongeBob: Don't run! Sea bears hate that!
-*Squidward: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
-*SpongeBob and Patrick: No!!
-(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
-*SpongeBob: They hate limping more than running!
-*Squidward: Well, I guess I'll just have....
-(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
-*SpongeBob: I should have warned you about crawling.
-(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
-*Squidward: What'd I do that time?
-*SpongeBob: I don't know! I guess he just doesn't like you.
-*Patrick: Pretend to be somebody else!
-*SpongeBob: Here, draw a circle. (tosses Squidward the stick)
-*Squidward: Okay.
-(the sea bear comes back and resumes mauling Squidward)
-*SpongeBob: That was an oval. It has to be a circle!
-*Squidward: (runs and climbs on top of SpongeBob and Patrick, who are still sitting in the circle) Move over! (the sea bear comes up to the circle, sniffs it, points a threatening claw at Squidward, and leaves) Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life! (everyone cheers "hooray")
-*SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros!
-*Squidward: What attracts them?
-*Patrick: The sound of a sea bear attack.
-(a modified rhinoceros with fins appears, snorting)
-*SpongeBob: Heh. Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea-rhinoceros undergarments, heh heh. Right, Squidward?
-*Squidward: Huh?
-[[Category:Episode transcripts]]