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The Algae's Always Greener
Season №: 3
Episode №: 41a
Airdate: March 22, 2002
Previous: "Sandy, SpongeBob, and the Worm"
Next: "SpongeGuard on Duty"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Algae's Always Greener" from season three, which aired on March 22, 2002.

  • [Scene begins at the Krusty Krab with Old Man Jenkins walking into a pole]
  • Old Man Jenkins: Oh! Pardon me, young lady. [Takes glasses off to get a better look] What a fox. [Walks over to Condiment Island, and puts a bottle of ketchup on his tray. Plankton is in the ketchup bottle]
  • Plankton: [Makes an evil laugh] Ooh! [His machine detects a Krabby Patty. Makes another evil laugh.] You're all mine you sweet Krabby Patty. Ooh hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! [Alarm goes off inside the ketchup bottle, and Plankton buckles himself] Initiating launch sequence. [Puts on a mask and unzips mouth zipper] Krabby Patty, here I come!
  • Old Man Jenkins: [holding ketchup bottle unsteadily] Eh, eh... I hope I don't miss again. [Old Man Jenkins missed again, as Plankton goes flying across the restaurant]
  • Plankton: Reunited, and it's gonna feel so good! [Unzips eye zipper, realizes he's about to crash and screams as he darts into the walls in Mr. Krabs' office] D'oh!
  • Mr. Krabs: Ooh, ooh, sweet wampum. Huh! Whazzat? [Mr. Krabs hides next to his desk for protection] Squidward, where are you? Shield me with your forehead! [Plankton finally lands right next to the desk, and Mr. Krabs picks him up] So, it was a just another failed Krabby Patty theft attempt by my arch competitor, Plankton! [Laughs] For a second there, I mistook you for a threat. But you're just a dirty little man. [Mr. Krabs flicks Plankton away] So long, shrimp! [An actual shrimp who was exiting the Krusty Krab turns around. Plankton is in mid-air]
  • Plankton: Curse you, Mr. Krabs! [Plankton finally lands in the Chum Bucket. He walks in sighing] Ouch!
  • Karen: So, typical day of failure, I see, huh darling?
  • Plankton: Oh, can it, computer wife. Can't you see I'm exhausted? Why don't you go make yourself useful and synthesize me up some grub? [opens the fridge to get a can of soda]
  • Karen: Yes, your majesty. [Holographic meatloaf appears on the table that Plankton's sitting at. Plankton sits at his table.]
  • Plankton: What do we got here? [sarcastically] Oh, goody. Holographic meatloaf again! When am I gonna get some real food? Mr. Krabs gets to eat real food. Just look at his daughter, she's a big as a whale. I wish I could be successful like Mr. Krabs. [opens his can of soda that he got from his fridge] I wish I could somehow just switch lives with him. Just to know what it's like. [Drinks some soda]
  • Karen: Then why don't you just use that "Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier" thing you built last Tuesday? [Plankton spits out his soda]
  • Plankton: What a brilliant idea! Your parents must have been like, part computer or something. [Karen sighs. Plankton sits down in front of the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier] Now, let's see here. [A picture of a jellyfish shows up on the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier] No... [a dolphin appears] no... [a mermaid appears] no... [Finally, a picture of a crab in the shape of Mr. Krabs shows up] A-ha! [Plankton is buckled up] Well, I hate to leave you, Karen, but you know what they say... a rolling stone gathers no algae! [Plankton presses a button, and then goes through a hole of space and time and screams. Plankton stops for a few seconds to get a drink of soda. He smacks his lips afterwards] Ahh... [he then resumes screaming. Later, Plankton wakes up at Mr. Krabs' desk] Ugh... dear Neptune above, what happened last night? Huh, what's this? [Plankton picks up a name plate reading "Mr. Plankton"] Mister Plankton? [Plankton picks up a picture of Pearl] Who the Davey? [Plankton looks out the office windows and sees people eating Krabby Patties] Ehh... I'm in the Krusty Krab... and that means the life switcher was a success! The Krusty Krab is mine! [Plankton sees himself dressed] Corporate casual!
  • SpongeBob: Order up! Two deluxe Krabby Patties.
  • Plankton: [Plankton's eye turns into a Krabby Patty] At last!
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob delivers food to customer] There you are sir. Two deluxe... [Plankton appears at the table] Ahoy there, Mr. Plankton.
  • Plankton: Er, um, hey there, uh SpongeBob. Uh, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes sir!
  • Plankton: I'm gonna need to take one of these Patties back to my office for um, bun inspection.
  • SpongeBob: I'm afraid you can't do that, Mr. Plankton!
  • Plankton: Why- why not?
  • SpongeBob: Because that Patty is for the customer, sir!
  • Plankton: The customer? I'll boil the customer in hot oil, and rip out his— [SpongeBob's eyes point to the customer, to stop Plankton] I mean uh, yes, of course, for the lovely... customer.
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob gives Plankton two Krabby Patties] But you can take these Patties, sir. I made them in the off chance that you'd decide to instigate some bun inspection today, Mr. Plankton, sir!
  • Plankton: Uhh... yes, uh, very nice. Um, thanks. [Plankton runs back to his office] All mine, it's finally all mine! The Patties... [shows Mr. Plankton's rich wealth in his money vault] The wealth... [shows business award and Clams Magazine award frames on the wall] The notoriety! The... [Plankton sees SpongeBob in his office] SpongeBob, what do you want?
  • SpongeBob: Well, it's just that it's Tuesday again, sir, and I was wondering if I could have my, um... weekly performance review!
  • Plankton: Review?
  • SpongeBob: Oh yes, please sir, please!
  • Plankton: But I've never reviewed anything... except those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, please, sir! I want to make you so happy and proud!
  • Plankton: Eh, you're doing fine. Now leave me to my work. [kisses one of the two Krabby Patties]
  • SpongeBob: But sir!
  • Plankton: I thought I sent you away, Cretin.
  • SpongeBob: But sir, there's gotta be something I need to improve on. Anything!
  • Plankton: All right, the sauce.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Wh-what?
  • Plankton: The sauce. I don't know. You're using too much sauce, okay? Review's over.
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's face changes into a stereotypical Asian face. Jerkily moves arms in and out each time he stutters out the following words...] Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
  • Plankton: What?
  • SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
  • Plankton: What's the matter with you? All I said was "A little too much sauce." It's no big deal, really.
  • SpongeBob: Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh...
  • Plankton: What do you want from me, a promotion?
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's face changes back to normal] A pro- a promo- a promotion?!
  • Plankton: Uh, sure kid, you're uh... you're on register now.
  • SpongeBob: [Gasps excitedly] Register! [SpongeBob explodes. Plankton gets back to the Krabby Patties]
  • Plankton: Glad that's over. [Kisses the same Krabby Patty]
  • Squidward: [Squidward standing at the cash register reading a book, when he realizes that SpongeBob is standing right next to him] SpongeBob, do you remember that little talk we had about 'personal space'?
  • SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward. I'm official, look!
  • Squidward: [SpongeBob points out his badge that says "Co-Cashier"] Co-Cashier?
  • Plankton: [Plankton is sitting at a table with the two Krabby Patties.] So, have you two known each other long? [Candle suddenly extinguishes by itself as the door opens suddenly] Huh?
  • Squidward: [Squidward storms into Mr. Plankton's office] You can't do this to me, Mr. Plankton! If you think I'm going to stand out there all day listening to... [Cuts to SpongeBob, whose mouth splits in two while SpongeBob talks rubbish]
  • SpongeBob: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... [Cuts back to Squidward]
  • Squidward: Then you must have coral wedged in your frontal lobe!
  • Plankton: So what do you want me to do about it?
  • Squidward: I'd like my view to be a little less yellow, if you know what I mean.
  • Plankton: [Squidward's now the fry cook, standing in front of the grill] Hope you like gray. [Hops off the window between the cashier stand and the grill]
  • SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, I can see you through this little window!
  • Plankton: [Squidward groans. Plankton heads back to his office] Now, no more intrusions! I'd like the begin writing the memoirs of my success story, so everyone just stay the—
  • Pearl: [Pearl runs inside the Krusty Krab. [Plankton is being bounced up and down as she runs in.] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! [Jumps up and down, making him bounce again]
  • Plankton: Just tell Daddy what you want! Oof! He's very busy!
  • Pearl: Could I please have a um... an advance on my allowance?
  • Plankton: If it'll get you out of my antennae. [Plankton gives Pearl a one dollar bill] Go crazy.
  • Pearl: One dollar? You hate me! [Pearl begins to cry. Shows closeup of the enormous tears. Plankton attempts to dodge all of the tears, but one of ends up landing in his mouth, making him a circle]
  • Plankton: Ow!
  • Nat: [A fish walks out and angrily flattens Plankton, getting all of the water out] You!
  • Plankton: Me?
  • Nat: You think this is funny?
  • Plankton: In a cosmic sort of way, yes.
  • Nat: Well, Mr. Funny Man, is this how you get your sick kicks?! [Nat shows Plankton a Krabby Patty]
  • Plankton: What? It's just an ordinary Krabby— [Scene zooms in to show the patty made with gross-out items] Oh, my goodness! Squidward!
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob appears at the table, next to Plankton] I tried, Mr. Plankton. I really did.
  • Plankton: Oh, what now?
  • SpongeBob: A customer ordered a medium soda, and I gave him a large! I gave him a large! I've soiled the good Krusty Krab name! [Repeatedly screams out "Soiled it!" for a very long time]
  • Plankton: I command you to stop that. Stop that and return to your post! [Plankton pushes his hand is SpongeBob's chest, in hopes that he'll stop] Where's the off button on this thing?
  • Pearl: [Pearl walks up to Plankton] Okay, Daddy. I've decided I'm gonna run away! Run away and find a new daddy!
  • Plankton: Make it stop! [A siren horn then goes off and then everyone becomes silent, including SpongeBob] What, did I say the secret word?
  • SpongeBob: No sir, he's back.
  • Plankton: Who's back? What? [Something red flashes by] What was that?
  • SpongeBob: [An alarm sounds] Man your stations! Red alert! Red alert! Take cover! [All the customers scream, and run to take cover]
  • Plankton: [he runs in circles] Take cover from what?!
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob's up in the crow's nest searching for him] He's around here somewhere. [SpongeBob sees the red flash by once again] There he goes!
  • Plankton: What? Who? Where? Somebody tell me.
  • Harold: Some say he crawled out from the lowest trench in the ocean.
  • Pearl: He's the saltiest of all the sea dogs.
  • SpongeBob: He's the most hated creature in Bikini Bottom. [The red flash then bursts out of the kitchen and we then see it is Krabs holding a Krabby Patty while swinging on a rope]
  • Mr. Krabs: And he's finally got a Krabby Patty! Ar, ar, ar, ar!
  • Plankton: Krabs? What the barnacle is going on here?
  • SpongeBob: It's your arch competitor, Krabs. His goal in life is to steal a Krabby Patty and ruin our restaurant.
  • Plankton: That's terrible!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, but the worst part is...
  • Plankton: [Krabs lands behind him. Shows a Dutch-angle, low-angle shot of naked Mr. Krabs and Plankton's surprise] Good grief, he's naked! [A part of Krabs then glints]
  • Mr. Krabs: [Swings up onto a board on a support beam above. Laughs.] Clothe me if you can, silly landlubbers!
  • SpongeBob: I'm gonna make you eat those words, Krabs! [The cash register spins upside down, and turns into a place where a cannon is located] No shoes, no shirt, no service! [SpongeBob shoots all the clothes out of the cannon at Mr. Krabs. All of them miss]
  • Mr. Krabs: Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar! [Mr. Krabs stops laughing, as he realizes that a bra has caught him] Aw, ya got me! Well, at least it's underwire. Here's your stinkin' Patty! [Mr. Krabs throws the Krabby Patty back to Plankton]
  • Plankton: [catches the Krabby Patty] I don't understand. Is there a gas leak in here?
  • SpongeBob: Knick-knack, the Patty's back! You did it, Mr. Plankton. Victory screech! [SpongeBob and all the customers start screeching]
  • Mr. Krabs: Enjoy your victory screech, Plankton, because someday the Krabby Patty formula will be mine!
  • SpongeBob: You'll never get this formula, you twisted fiend!
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, but I will. Even if I have to come back tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day... [Mr. Krabs leaves the Krusty Krab. Plankton starts sweating] And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
  • SpongeBob: [SpongeBob hands Plankton a phone] Phone call, Mr. Plankton.
  • Mr. Krabs: [On the phone] And the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day...
  • Plankton: [screams, then rips off his clothes] It's not worth it! It's just not worth it! Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy. [Plankton presses the button for the Switch-Lives-Just-To-Know-What-It's-Like-O-Mogrifier. He ends up back in the Chum Bucket. Holographic meatloaf is on the table] Holographic meatloaf? My favorite! [Plankton starts eating it, and is happy again]

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