That's No Lady/transcript

(scene opens to Patrick running naked in the street)

Fish #1: (off-screen) Hey! (Patrick looks around) Hey, you there!

Patrick: Me?

Fish #1: NO, you. Get outta town! (Patrick runs and moons him. Fish shrugs his shoulders as another fish walks up) Get outta town! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashiz Resort. (another fish walks up) Here ya go, sir. (hands him a flyer. Fish reads it. Scene cuts to Parick running up to SpongeBob's house and opening the door)

Patrick: I gotta get out of town! (SpongeBob hands Patrick a glass of pee lemonade) Oh, thanks SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick, ya...

Patrick: (poops) I gotta get going. He told me to.

SpongeBob: Who did?

Patrick: Uhh, well, uhh...hmmm, I'm not sure but he has a brief.

SpongeBob: Ahh, a brief?! He might be a paid assasshole. (both start to cry) But, Patrick, you can't go. Not like this. Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expose? (shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes)

Patrick: It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is gone. (both cry more)

SpongeBob: find it, please find it. (Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen counter and sets a brief on it to fill up with clothes)

Patrick: I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. My clothes.

SpongeBob: Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.

Patrick: (packs up a bunch of peanut butter) My peanut butter!

SpongeBob: That's my peanut butter.

Patrick: And my dickles. (stuffs a bunch of dickles into the bag and closes it)

SpongeBob: I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick. (cries) With all my dickles!

Patrick: It's the end of me. Being here.

SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! What about all our plans? 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat Poop with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush Face with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick's Eyes. Who's gonna do all that with me?

Patrick: I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever...in Bikini Bottom.

SpongeBob: But...what if you weren't Patrick Star?

Patrick: Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star?

SpongeBob: You are Patrick Star but you won't be for long.

Patrick: Huh? (scene cuts to SpongeBob putting on a visor over Patrick's eyes) There ya go, Patrick. No one will know it's you. (Patrick look in a mirror, screams, then runs out of the pineapple through the wall, leaving a star-shaped hole) Patrick, you ok?

Larry: Hey guys! Yo, Patrick, cool shades.

SpongeBob: Well, Pat, that disguise didn't work. We're gonna have to try harder.

Patrick: Yeah, well, thanks ol' SpongeBob for your help. It was a noble effort but alass, all in vain, it's no use. I must leave. (holds out his arms and runs passed SpongeBob to pet a rock) Goodbye rock. Goodbye coral. (hugs the coral but it sticks to him) Goodbye seaweed. Ow! (walks off)

SpongeBob: Too bad we couldn't come up with a better costume. (looks at the seaweed) Hmmm...

Patrick: Goodbye sky. (SpongeBob walks up to Patrick and puts some seaweed on his chest)

SpongeBob: That's it. With the seaweed on your head, you could be a...

Patrick: Oh, I know, I know! I could be a seaweed monsterwoman. And live happily forever after in Bikini Bottom.

SpongeBob: Patrick, there already is a seaweed monsterwoman. (scroll over to a monster with seaweed all over its chest)

Seaweed Monsterman: Hey!

Patrick: Doh.

SpongeBob: It's ok, Patrick. So you can't be a monster. But that vegetation on your head gives me an idea of what you cannot be. (scene cuts to inside a store) You're all set. Come on out, Patrick. (Patrick steps forward, looking like a girl. Wearing a blonde wig and red top and bottom. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street)

Fish #2: Hi, SpongeBob. And hello, dude. (tips his hat to Patrick)

SpongeBob: The disguise is working, Patricia. I mean, Patrick. (both giggle)

Larry: SpongeBob, you never told me you had a boyfriend.

Patrick: Oh, I'm not his boyfriend. I'm Pat.

SpongeBob: Pat-ricia. Pat-ricia. Patricia. (laughs)

Larry: Bro, your girlfriend is not ugly.

SpongeBob: Actually, Larry, he's not my girlfriend, he's just a...

Larry: It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me, I'm gay, too..

SpongeBob: But he's not my girlfriend.

Larry: I don't know why you're standing here talking to me when you could be talking to your girlfriend.

SpongeBob: C'mon, Patrick. (grabs his hand and walks off)

Patrick: Bye.

Larry: Congratulations on the new boyfriend, dude.

Mr. Kraps: (runs up) SpongeBob! This is not the time for Sunday Stroll. It's time for work.

SpongeBob: But, Mr. Kraps, the Krusty Krap doesn't open for another 2 seconds. Mr. Kraps: (hands SpongeBob a spatula) There be no such thing as opening too early, me boy. Excuse us, miss. Huh? (notices Patrick as his eyes explode from seeing the beauty)

Mr. Kraps: SpongeBob, who's your friend?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is Patricia. Mr. Kraps: (eyes inflate back to normal) Patricia. The most beautiful sound I've ever seen. SpongeBob, do we need any more help down at the Krusty Krab?

SpongeBob: No.

Mr. Krabs: We do? Great, she can start right away. (scene cuts to the Krusty Krab where Squidward is reading the newspaper until Patrick cums in) Squidward: And who are you my rifeness beauty?

Mr. Kraps: That's Patricia, our newest Krusty Krap employee.

Squidward: Well, she sure is stunning. (Patrick is picking his nose)

Mr. Kraps: Just keep your eyes on the customers, Mr. Squidward. (walks off. Patrick is cleaning tables until Squidward walks up to her)

Squidward: Hi, Patrick. I drew this for you. (hands her a piece of paper) Likeness is uncanny, if I do say so myself. (drawing on the piece of paper is Squidward. A scream is heard off-screen in horror of the picture)

Patrick: Uhh, thank you, Squidward. (Mr. Kraps comes out of the kitchen with two trays of food, one in each hand)

Mr. Kracks: Order up, Miss Patrick. Patricia: Excuse me, Squidward. (eats the drawing, burps then walks off)

Mr. Kracks: (hands Patrick both trays) This order goes to table 7 and remember your manners. (Patrick walks up to a table with the number seven on it)

Patrick: Forty...thirty...

Mr. Kraps: That's a 7, Patrick.

Patricia: Mr. Kracks, you ordered two Krappy meals?

Mr. Kracks:(gasps) Did I order two meals? Oh, silly me. I can't possibly eat two Krappy meals, myself. (spreads a table cloth, with a radio, on the table) I guess you'll just have to help me finish all this food.

Patrick: Ok. (sits down. Mr. Krags pushes a button and some music plays) Mr. Krags: Patrick, we may have only known each other for a short time, now, but I feel like a special connection has been

made. (Patrick inhales the table and all the food. Then he burps out the radio) SpongeBob: Quite an appetite but he's all man. (scene cuts to Patrick walking in the kitchen with two orders. Squidward plays a soothing song on his chest)

Squidward: Eh? Ya know, Patrick, they don't call me the 'Poopy Squid' for nothing. So, are you free this Saturday night?

Patrick: No, that's the night SpongeBob and I are having a staring contest.

Squidward: SpongeBob?!

Mr. Kraps: (using a broken phone) Get back to work, you gold-bricking freeloader. Hut poo, hut poo, yah, yah! And don't come back 'til all the patties are krabby. (throws broken phone away) Well, now that we're alone, how would you like to be my date Friday night to a...

Patrick: Well, I can't. SpongeBob and I will be flying submarines that night. I have to get back to Krusting the Krab. (walks off) Man, why are those two so nice to me? They were never this nice to Patrick. It's weird. (opens the cabinet in front of him and notices Squidward inside the shelf)

Squidward: Are you sure about Saturday night? (Patrick closes the cabinet)

Patricia: Persistent bunch. (turns on the faucet but Mr. Krabs peeks his head out of the faucet head)

Mr. Krabs: How about Sunday leakfast?

Patricia: NO! (walks over to the toaster where Squidwart's head pops up)

Squidwart: But I made reservations for one at...

Patrick: I said no. (scene cuts to Patrick lifting up the fryer, where Mr. Kraps head is) No. (scene cuts to Patrick using the water hose on the floor when Squidwart's head pops out from a hole on the ground) No way. (scene cuts to Mr. Kraks in a water job) No. (scene cuts to Squidwart in the toilet) No. (scene cuts to Patrick in the middle of the Krusty Krap) NO! (Patricia walks into the kitchen) What is it about me that makes those two so friendly? It must have something to do with this disguise. I can't wear this any longer.

SpongeBob: But if you reveal your secret identity, you'll have to leave your Bikini Top and Bottom! .

Patricia: I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of pretending to be someone that I'm not. (opens the door to the dining room of the Krusty Krap. Al the customers say poop to her)

Fish #3: The lovely Patrick... (blows a fart) ...has returned to us.

Patricia: I have an announcement to make. The entire day that I've worked here I've wanted to say... (notices the fist from the beginning, giving out flyers, has entered the Krusty Krap. He starts to poop his pants) I've wanted to say that, uhh, that I will eat any leftovers on your chest. (smiles and walks away)

Customers: Huh?

Fish #1: Ahoy, waitress, aren't you gonna take my order?

Patrick: NO!

SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?

Patricia: That's the guy with the briefcase. The guy who's trying to run me out of town.

SpongeBob: (gasps) The assasshole.

Patricia: (walks up to the customer) What can I get you, sir?

Fish #1: Say, don't I know you from somewhere?

Patricia: NO!

Fish #1: Hmmm...that's it. Get outta town!

Patricia: He's on to us.

SpongeBob: I won't let you do it. You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town.

Squidward & Mr. Kracks: Patricia?!

Fish #1: You forgot your flyer. (hands them one of his flyers)

SpongeBob: (reading flyer) Get outta town! To beautiful Sunny Seashiz Resorts. Look, this guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price.

Patrick: Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore. (rips off his disguise. Everyone gasps while Squidwartholes eyes shrink in horror)

Squidward: Umm, I think I need to shave my nose off.

Mr. Krabs: So, let me get this straight, you're not a man?

Patricia: No.

Mr. Krabs: Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 2 seconds or so.

SpongeBob: Hey, buddy, what do you say we go home and get started on this list? (both look at list and gasp at what is on it)