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That's No Lady
Season №: 4
Episode №: 75b
Airdate: November 25, 2006
Previous: "Squidtastic Voyage"
Next: "The Thing"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "That's No Lady" from season four, which aired on November 25, 2006.

  • [Scene opens to Patrick running and giggling in the street]
  • Fish: [off-screen] Hey! [Patrick stops and looks around] Hey, you there!
  • Patrick: Uh, me?
  • Fish: Yes, you. [screams in Patrick's face] Get outta town! [Patrick screams and runs away. The fish scratches his head in confusion, then shrugs his shoulders. He turns to another fish who walks by] Get outta town! And take a vacation to beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort. [hands the fish a flyer. Another fish walks up] Here ya go, sir. [hands him a flyer. The fish reads it. Scene cuts to Patrick running up to SpongeBob's house and opening the door]
  • Patrick: I gotta get out of town! [SpongeBob hands Patrick a glass of lemonade from the tray he was holding] Oh, thanks SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Sure, Patrick, ya... [Patrick screams and looks through the blinds on the window]
  • Patrick: I gotta get going! He told me to!
  • SpongeBob: Who did?
  • Patrick: Uhh, well, uhh... hmmm, I'm not sure. But he had a briefcase.
  • SpongeBob: Ahh, a briefcase?! He might be a paid assassin! [both start to cry] But, Patrick, you can't go. Not like this. Who will go with me to the next jellyfisherman's expo? [shows a picture of the two at one of the exposes]
  • Patrick: It'll have to be one of your other chums 'cause my mind is set. [sobbing]
  • SpongeBob: Unset it, please unset it! [they bawl and wail. Patrick walks over to SpongeBob's kitchen counter and sets a suitcase on it to start packing]
  • Patrick: I guess I'll pack up my stuff and get ready to go. [puts two pairs of SpongeBob's pants into the suitcase] My clothes.
  • SpongeBob: Umm, Patrick, those are my clothes.
  • Patrick: [packs up a bunch of peanut butter] My peanut butter!
  • SpongeBob: That's my peanut butter.
  • Patrick: And my pickles! [stuffs a bunch of pickles into the suitcase and closes it, then falls on top of it sobbing]
  • SpongeBob: I can't believe you're leaving, Patrick. [cries] With all my pickles!
  • Patrick: [heading for the door with the suitcase] It's the end of me. Being here.
  • SpongeBob: Wait! Stop! What about all our plans? [pulls out a list] 8:00am - Wake up Patrick, 9:00am - Eat Kelpo with Patrick, 10:00am - Brush Teeth with Patrick, 1:00pm - Stare at Patrick. Who's gonna do all that with me?
  • Patrick: I'm sorry, there's no stopping the unstoppable. Patrick Star will live no more, forever... in Bikini Bottom.
  • SpongeBob: [gets an idea] But... what if you weren't Patrick Star?
  • Patrick: Oh, no. I'm not Patrick Star?
  • SpongeBob: You are Patrick Star, but you won't be for long.
  • Patrick: Huh? [scene cuts to SpongeBob putting a visor over Patrick's eyes] There ya go, Patrick. No one will know it's you. [Patrick looks in a mirror, screams at his reflection, then runs out of the pineapple through the wall, leaving a star-shaped hole. The part of the wall he took with him falls off and he collapses. SpongeBob gasps and runs over to him] Patrick, you okay? [Larry walks past]
  • Larry: Hey guys! Yo, Patrick, cool shades.
  • SpongeBob: Well, Pat, that disguise didn't work. We're gonna have to try harder.
  • Patrick: [takes off the visor] Yeah, well, thanks ol' SpongeBob for your help. It was a noble effort but alas, all in vain, it's no use. I must leave. [holds out his arms and runs past SpongeBob, who had his arms out to hug him, to pet a rock] Goodbye rock. Goodbye coral. [hugs a coral branch, but pieces stick to him] YOW! [holds a few strands of seaweed] Goodbye seaweed.
  • SpongeBob: Too bad we couldn't come up with a better costume. [looks at the seaweed] Hmmm...
  • Patrick: Goodbye sky. [SpongeBob walks up to Patrick and puts some seaweed on his head]
  • SpongeBob: That's it. With the seaweed on your head, you could be a...
  • Patrick: Oh, I know, I know! I could be Mr. Seaweed Monsterman. And live happily forever after in Bikini Bottom.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, there already is a Mr. Seaweed Monsterman. [scroll over to a monster with seaweed all over his hair and chest]
  • Seaweed Monsterman: Hey!
  • Patrick: D'oh!
  • SpongeBob: It's okay, Patrick. So you can't be a monster. But that vegetation on your head gives me an idea of what you can be. [scene cuts to inside a store] You're all set. Come on out, Patrick. [Patrick walks out from behind a curtain wearing a yellow-green skirt and top, red lipstick, and a blonde wig with pigtails. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street]
  • Fish #2: Hi, SpongeBob. And hello, lady. [tips his hat to Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: The disguise is working, Patrick... I mean, Patricia. [both giggle. Larry walks up to them]
  • Larry: SpongeBob, you never told me you had a girlfriend.
  • Patrick: Oh, I'm not his girlfriend. I'm Pat...
  • SpongeBob: [quickly]...tricia. Pat-ricia. Patricia! [laughs]
  • Larry: Bro, your girlfriend is not ugly. [Patrick giggles]
  • SpongeBob: Actually, Larry, she's not my girlfriend, she's just a...
  • Larry: It's cool, buddy. You don't have to explain your girlfriend to me.
  • SpongeBob: But she's not my girlfriend.
  • Larry: I don't know why you're standing here talking to me when you could be talking to your girlfriend.
  • SpongeBob: C'mon, Patricia. [grabs Patrick's hand and walks off]
  • Patricia: Bye.
  • Larry: Congratulations on the new girlfriend, dude!
  • Mr. Krabs: [angrily runs up] SpongeBob! This is not the time for Sunday Stroll. It's time for work. [puts SpongeBob's hat on his head]
  • SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, the Krusty Krab doesn't open for another two hours.
  • Mr. Krabs: [hands SpongeBob a spatula] There be no such thing as opening too early, me boy. Excuse us, miss. Huh? [looks back at Patrick. Sparkles form by Patrick's head and Mr. Krabs' eyes explode from seeing the beauty] SpongeBob, who's your friend?
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, this is Patricia.
  • Mr. Krabs: [eyes inflate back to normal] Patricia. The most beautiful sound I've ever seen. SpongeBob, do we need any more help down at the Krusty Krab?
  • SpongeBob: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: We do? Great, she can start right away. [scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, where Squidward is reading the newspaper until he hears the door open]
  • Squidward: He- [looks surprised when he sees Patrick, then smiles and leans over the cash register] And who are you, my rubenesque beauty?
  • Mr. Krabs: That's Patricia, our newest Krusty Krab employee.
  • Squidward: Well, she sure is stunning. [Patrick is picking his nose]
  • Mr. Krabs: [sternly] Just keep your eyes on the customers, Mr. Squidward. [walks off. Patrick is cleaning off a table until Squidward walks up to him]
  • Squidward: Hi, Patricia. I drew this for you. [hands him a piece of paper] Likeness is uncanny, if I do say so myself. [drawing on the piece of paper is Squidward. A woman's scream is heard off-screen in horror of the picture]
  • Patricia: Uhh, thank you, Squidward. [Mr. Krabs comes out of the kitchen with two trays of food, one in each hand]
  • Mr. Krabs: Order up, Miss Patricia.
  • Patricia: Excuse me, Squidward. [eats the drawing, burps then walks off]
  • Mr. Krabs: [hands Patrick both trays] This order goes to table 7 and remember your manners. [Patrick walks up to a table with the number seven on it]
  • Patricia: [struggles to read the number] Forty... thirty...
  • Mr. Krabs: That's a 7, Patricia. [is sitting at the table]
  • Patricia: Mr. Krabs, you ordered two Krusty meals?
  • Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Did I order two meals? Oh, silly me. I can't possibly eat two Krusty meals, myself. [spreads a table cloth, with a radio, on the table] I guess you'll just have to help me finish all this food.
  • Patricia: Okay. [sits down. Mr. Krabs pushes a button and some music plays]
  • Mr. Krabs: Patricia, we may have only known each other for a short time, now, but I feel like a special connection has been made.
  • Patricia: [Eats tablecloth, Krusty Meals, candle, and radio, then belches loudly]
  • SpongeBob: Quite an appetite, but she's all woman. [scene cuts to Patrick walking in the kitchen with two orders. Squidward plays a soothing song on his clarinet. He scoots closer to Patrick and puts his arm around him]
  • Squidward: Eh? Ya know, Patricia, they don't call me the 'Sizzle Lips Squid' for nothing. [Patrick tries to leave, but Squidward stops him] So, are you free this Saturday night?
  • Patricia: No, that's the night SpongeBob and I are having a staring contest.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?!
  • Mr. Krabs: [using a broken phone] Get back to work, you gold-bricking freeloader. Hut two, hut two, yah, yah! And don't come back 'til all the patties are krabby. [throws broken phone away] Well, now that we're alone, how would you like to be my date Friday night to a...
  • Patricia: Well, I can't. SpongeBob and I will be flying submarines that night. I have to get back to Krusting the Krab. [walks off] Man, why are those two so nice to me? They were never this nice to Patrick. It's weird. [opens the cabinet in front of him and notices Squidward inside the shelf]
  • Squidward: Are you sure about Saturday night? [Patrick closes the cabinet]
  • Patricia: Persistent bunch. [turns on the faucet, but Mr. Krabs peeks his head out of the faucet head]
  • Mr. Krabs: How about Sunday brunch?
  • Patricia: No thanks, again! [turns the knob again and Mr. Krabs' head disappears as the water flows out. He walks over to the toaster where Squidward's head pops up]
  • Squidward: But I made reservations for two at...
  • Patricia: I said no. [presses the lever down, making Squidward's head sink back into the toaster. Scene cuts to Patrick lifting up the fryer, where Mr. Krabs head is] No. [scene cuts to Patrick using the water hose on the floor when Squidward's head pops out from a hole on the ground] No way. [scene cuts to Mr. Krabs in a water job] No. [scene cuts to Squidward in the toilet] No. [scene cuts to Patrick in the middle of the Krusty Krab] NO! [Patrick walks into the kitchen] What is it about me that makes those two so friendly? It must have something to do with this disguise. I can't wear this any longer.
  • SpongeBob: But if you reveal your secret identity, you'll have to leave Bikini Bottom!
  • Patricia: Well I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. [opens the door to the dining room of the Krusty Krab. All the customers look up and greet him excitedly]
  • Fancy Fish: The lovely Patricia [blows a kiss] has returned to us!
  • Patricia: I have an announcement to make. The entire day that I've worked here I've wanted to say... [is struck speechless when he notices the fish from the beginning, giving out flyers, has entered the Krusty Krab] Um-um-um-uh... [the fish sits down at a table] I've wanted to say that, uhh, th-that... [nervously twirls one of his pigtails, presses his hands together, and scratches his head and arm] That I will eat any leftovers on your plate! [smiles and walks away]
  • Customers: Huh?
  • Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Ahoy, waitress, aren't you gonna take my order?
  • Patricia: I'll be right there, sir.
  • SpongeBob: What's the matter, Patrick?
  • Patricia: That's the guy with the briefcase. The guy who's trying to run me out of town.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] The assassin.
  • Patricia: [walks up to the customer] What can I get you, sir?
  • Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
  • Patricia: NO!
  • Sunny Seashores Salesfish: Hmmm... that's it. Get outta town!
  • Patricia: He's on to us.
  • SpongeBob: I won't let you do it. You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town.
  • Squidward & Mr. Krabs: PATRICK?!
  • Sunny Seashores Salesfish: You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
  • SpongeBob: [reading flyer] Get outta town! To beautiful Sunny Seashores Resort. Look, this guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price.
  • Patricia: Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore. [rips off his disguise. Everyone gasps while Squidward's eyes shrink in horror]
  • Squidward: Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
  • Mr. Krabs: So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
  • Patrick: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
  • SpongeBob: Hey, buddy, what do you say we go home and get started on this list? [Patrick and SpongeBob look at list and gasp at what is on it]
  • Patrick and SpongeBob: Yaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhoooooooo!

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