Template:EpisodeTr/127a
- [shows a night view of Squidward's house, with his light on. Squidward sits on his couch]
- Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. [clicks remote]
- Announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.
- Squidward: No, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.
- Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: [Squidward claps his hands] "Fab and Fancy", your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel-encrusted mittens, [doorbell rings] and classical doorbell chimes...
- Squidward: How sophisticating! [drinks coffee]
- Announcer: ...has been canceled! [buzzer sounds]
- Squidward: [spits out steam] Oh yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. [cuts to coffee maker as he makes the coffee] Why in the world would they cancel "Fab and Fancy"? What could possibly be more enriching? [guitar music screeches, house starts shaking and Squidward spits out coffee] What??!! [a man plays a guitar on TV and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord"]
- Zeus: Hi. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I have a killer one like this! [pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]
- Squidward: [angered] Heh! Obviously he doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
- Zeus: [shows his phone number] So here is my number if you want to talk about... [phone rings] ...hello?
- Squidward: [angrily] Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?!
- Zeus: Your... what?
- Squidward: I bet you wouldn't know the first thing about culture if it bit you on the guitar!
- Zeus: I don't have a guitar...
- Squidward: Do they just give shows to just anyone over there?
- Zeus: Yeah, pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
- Squidward: [surprised] Really?
- Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a starting guide... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.
- Squidward: It's that easy? [hangs up phone and dials a number] Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? [excitedly] Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show! [cut to the Krusty Krab later] Come on! In just a few minutes, Squiddy, it will be your turn to bask in the limelight! [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Ohhh yeah! Limelight basking! Oh yeah! [laughs] Oh, good times. Good times. [turns to Squidward] So where will said basking take place?
- Squidward: [angrily] Like, I would tell you! Humph... [thinks] Although, I have waited my whole life to have enough warrior to rub it in someone's face. Everyone's face. [sees SpongeBob wink] Even that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want you to do is to show up so plug your ears! [shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears] Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but, oh wait! That is exactly what I mean to do! [SpongeBob just hears Squidward mumbling. Bell rings] Oh! [rushes off]
- SpongeBob: Say it again, Squidward? [Squidward laughs as he runs to his home]
- Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: "Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
- Squidward: [in his home] Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of "Squidward Chat". [Gary is seen watching TV, and clicks remote] Today on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart, under-appreciated artists like myself. [SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV]
- SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV? Eey! [rushes to Squidward's house] Squidward! Squidward! [rushes into the house, but goes back out, knocks and then goes inside.] Squidward, you're on TV! [Squidward frowns] No, really, Squidward, come look!
- Squidward: I know I'm on TV! See the camera? [They both look at a camera] You're on TV too! [SpongeBob stares with awe]
- SpongeBob: TV? [leaves happily]
- Squidward: Moron! As I was saying... today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing...
- Patrick: Wow! [SpongeBob enters with Patrick]
- SpongeBob: So I went to tell Squidward that he was on TV and he told me that I was on TV and now you're on TV!
- Patrick: I'm on TV? [rushes back to his house and turns on the TV]
- Squidward: This isn't happening!!!
- Patrick: I'm not on TV! [rushes back into Squidward's house] SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me SpongeBob? Why?
- Squidward: [annoyingly] Patrick, just how dumb are you?
- Patrick: It varies...
- Squidward: If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!
- Patrick: Ohhh. I get it! [rushes to camera, giggling] Hi, TV people! [puts his face on the lens, then shows his mouth on the camera] And my mouth is on TV! [a live action mouth is seen on a television set]
- Grandma: This is disgusting!
- Patrick: [licks camera and bites the lens] Hey, SpongeBob! You gotta try this! [they play with the camera]
- Squidward: Patrick, SpongeBob, get off my camera! [takes them off camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him] Would you two get out of here?
- Patrick: Doubt it! [Squidward slaps his head]
- Squidward: If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?
- Patrick: Cameraman?
- Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures.
- Patrick: All right!
- SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! I wanna do something too, please?!
- Squidward: Fine. You can be the soundman. [hands SpongeBob a boom microphone]
- SpongeBob: [amazed] Soundman... [angelic choir sings]
- Squidward: Imbeciles! [clears throat] Today, we're gonna be talking about... [camera is aimed at a still painting of Squidward] Why isn't the camera on me? [Patrick moves it to another painting] No! I'm the one talking! [Patrick moves it around, Squidward growls and jumps in front of camera] I'm right here! Ahem! Today on Squidward Chat... we'll be discussing the under appreciated arts. [Squidward sits down] Patrick, I'm down here! [Patrick lowers camera] As I was saying... Today, we'll be... [Patrick moves the camera up and down] Today... [Patrick repeatedly moves the camera up and down and Squidward growls]
- Patrick: [as he moves the camera up and down] Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! [Squidward growls, gets up, walks up to Patrick, and ties him to the camera]
- Squidward: [sits back down] Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous... [SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into scene, hits it on his head and puts it in Squidward's mouth] Sponge...! [Microphone hits Squidward in the chin and he growls]
- SpongeBob: It's heavy! [Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob] Thanks! But it itches. [Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV]
- Patrick: [off-screen] I gotta go potty!
- Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?
- Squidward: Well, you'll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... [Mr. Krabs holds a sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera]
- Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! [Squidward gets up] And remember; we change our grease monthly!
- Squidward: Out! [pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief]
- Mr. Krabs: [dances with sign, singing] Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! [cut to Sandy seeing the show]
- Sandy: Whee doggy! I can line-dance better than that! [goes in front of camera and dances] Yee-haw!
- Pearl: Daddy! I'm borrowing your wallet! [sees Mr. Krabs and Sandy dancing on TV] Line dancing? Eww! That is so lame. What they need is my way cool cheer routine. [Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk, breaking it in half] Give me a T! [cuts to Plankton at the Chum Bucket watching the show]
- Plankton: Oh, please. I can cause far more collateral damage than that! [walks off] Karen, where'd you put my death ray?
- Pearl: Go, team, go! Go, team, go! [Plankton appears on camera, laughs evilly and starts firing around the house, breaking a painting]
- Patrick: [laughs as he rocks the camera up and down] My shorts are wet! [lasers continue firing]
- Pearl: [as camera pans at Sandy, then at Pearl, and then at Mr. Krabs] Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! [Plankton then fires at Mr. Krabs]
- Plankton: And eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! [evil laughs, Mr. Krabs kicks him away]
- Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
- Squidward: [sadly] Nooo!!! My show! [sniffles and sobs]
- SpongeBob: [rubs Squidward's back] You seem tense. [Squidward growls]
- Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob away] Cut that out! [Squidward gets angry and veins throb in his forehead] That's it! Everyone, out!!! [everybody stops what they're doing] What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!!
- Larry the Lobster: [as Squidward frowns] Did somebody say housewarming? Hey, everyone! It's a housewarming! [citizens come into Squidward's house cheering as the house's cheeks start puffing up. Squidward notices everyone talking as a limousine pulls up and a man comes out]
- Squidward: Get off of my set! This is not working!!! [the man comes in]
- Man: Actually, I say the show is doing just fine. At least according to our latest ratings. [pulls out a bag of money, big at first, but then zooms to show that the bag is tiny. He then laughs, coughs and clears throat] This is actually a lot by public access standards. Everyone's working out except for you... [points to a lady] ...you... [points to a boy] ...you... [points to a man] ...and you! [points to Squidward]
- Squidward: Me? [Squidward is kicked out of his house]
- [cuts to Squidward in the bed frowning with a remote in his hand]
- Announcer: And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the last 20 weeks: [as horn toots] "Squidward's House Party"! With your host: Zeus the Guitar Lord.
- Zeus: Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom. Are you ready to party; Squidward style? [crowd cheers, applauds, screams, whistles and roars. Cuts to Squidward in his bed frowning] Thank you... for making us number one, because I was finally able to get... [shows his guitar on camera] ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! [Squidward growls] LET'S PAARRTTYY!!!
- [As a curtain reveals Zeus, he begins to play guitar as audience cheers and applauds. The camera zooms out to show Sandy line-dancing, SpongeBob playing the keyboard, Pearl doing her cheer and Patrick playing the drums. Mr. Krabs swings on a rope holding his sign as Plankton shoots his death ray. Cuts to TV, then to Squidward who is shocked]
- Squidward: [bangs his broom and stomps on the floor] Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
- [As the camera pans down on Zeus, rocks start falling from the ceiling. People continue to partying around Squidward's house as it shakes]