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{{EpisodeTr/127a}}
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{{L|''[Episode starts at the night view of Bikini Bottom with a scallop on the sign, then a view of Squidward's house, with a light now turned on. Squidward picks up a remote and sits on his couch]}}
|title = Tentacle-Vision
 
|titlecard = Tentacle-Vision.jpg
 
|seasonnumber = 7
 
|episodenumber = 127a
 
|airdate = [[July 19]], [[2009]]}}
 
{{L|''[shows a night view of Bikini Bottom, and then shows Conch Street, where in Squidward's house lit the light, Squidward sits on his couch and watching TV]}}
 
 
{{L|Squidward|All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. ''[clicks remote]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. ''[clicks remote]''}}
 
{{L|Announcer|Our programming will begin shortly.}}
 
{{L|Announcer|Our programming will begin shortly.}}
{{L|Squidward|No, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.}}
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{{L|Squidward|No, no, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.}}
{{L|Announcer|Bikini Bottom Public access presents: ''[Squidward claps his hands]'' "Fab and Fancy", your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel-encrusted mittens, ''[doorbell rings]'' and classical doorbell chimes...}}
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{{L|Announcer|Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: ''[Squidward claps his hands]'' "Fab and Fancy", your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel-encrusted mittens, ''[doorbell rings]'' and classical doorbell chimes...}}
 
{{L|Squidward|How sophisticating! ''[drinks coffee]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|How sophisticating! ''[drinks coffee]''}}
{{L|Announcer|...has been canceled! (buzzer sounds)}}
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{{L|Announcer|...has been cancelled! ''[buzzer sounds]''}}
{{L|Squidward|''[spits out steam]'' Oh yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. ''[he makes the coffee and drinks it for real]'' Why in the world would they cancel "Fab and Fancy"? What could possibly be more enriching? ''[guitar music screeches, Squidward spits out coffee]'' What the...??!! ''[a man plays a guitar on TV and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord"]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[spits out steam]'' Oh, yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. ''[cuts to coffee maker as he makes the coffee]'' Why in the world would they cancel "Fab and Fancy"? What could possibly be more enriching? ''[as he drinks his coffee, guitar music starts playing, the house starts shaking and Squidward spits out coffee]'' What??!! ''[a man continues to play the guitar on TV. He's then lit on fire, and then explodes and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord".]''}}
{{L|Zeus|Hi. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I have a killer one like this! ''[pulls out a paper, where showing a red guitar]''}}
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{{L|Zeus|Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I would want a really killer one like this! ''[pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]''}}
{{L|Squidward|''[angered]'' Heh! Obviously he doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[He scoffs. In an angered tone]'' He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!}}
{{L|Zeus|''[shows his phone number]'' So here is my number if you want to talk about... ''[phone rings]'' ...hello?}}
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{{L|Zeus|''[shows his phone number: "1-32G-LORD"]'' So, here's my number if you want to talk about... ''[phone rings]'' Hello?}}
{{L|Squidward|''[angry]'' Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?!}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[angrily]'' Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?!}}
 
{{L|Zeus|Your... what?}}
 
{{L|Zeus|Your... what?}}
{{L|Squidward|I bet you wouldn't know the first thing about culture if it hit you on a guitar!}}
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{{L|Squidward|I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture if it bit you on the guitar!}}
{{L|Zeus|I don't have a guitar...}}
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{{L|Zeus|Uh... hummm... I don't have a guitar.}}
{{L|Squidward|Do they just give shows to just anyone over there?}}
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{{L|Squidward|Do they just give a show to just anybody over there?}}
 
{{L|Zeus|Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.}}
 
{{L|Zeus|Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[surprised]'' Really?}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[surprised]'' Really?}}
{{L|Zeus|I wanted a guitar or a starting guide...but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool...}}
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{{L|Zeus|Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.}}
{{L|Squidward|It's that easy? ''[hangs up phone and dials a number]'' Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? ''[excitedly]'' Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show I want a show! ''[cut to the Krusty Krab later]'' Come on! In a few minutes, Squiddy. It's your turn to bask in the limelight... ''[laughs]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|It's that easy? ''[hangs up phone and dials a number]'' Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? ''[excitedly]'' Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show! ''[cut to the Krusty Krab later]'' Come on! Just a few more minutes, Squiddie, and it will be your turn to bask in the limelight! ''[laughs]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Ohhh yeah! Limelight basking! Oh yeah! ''[laughs]'' Oh, good times. Good times. ''[turns to Squidward]'' So where will said basking take place?}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|Ohhh, yeah! Oh, limelight basking! Baskin' in the limelight! ''[laughs]'' Oh, good times. Good times. ''[turns to Squidward]'' So where will said basking take place?}}
{{L|Squidward|''[angrily]'' Like, I would tell you! Humph... ''[thinks]'' Although, I have waited my whole life to have enough warrior to rub it in someone's face. Everyone's face. ''[sees SpongeBob wink]'' Not that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want you to do is to show up so plug your ears! ''[shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears]'' Well I don't want to toot my own whistle, but, oh wait! That is exactly what I mean to do! ''[SpongeBob just hears mumbling. Clock rings]'' Oh! ''[rushes off]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[angrily]'' Like, I would tell you! Hmph... ''[thinks]'' Although, I've waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face. Anyone's face. ''[turns to SpongeBob who winks. He shivers.]'' Even that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want is for you to show up so plug your ears! ''[shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears]'' Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but... Wait, no! That's exactly what I mean to do! ''[SpongeBob just hears Squidward mumbling. Clock ticks to 5:00PM and a bell rings]'' Oh! ''[rushes off]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Say it again, Squidward? ''[Squidward laughs as he runs to his home]''}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|Say again, Squidward? ''[Squidward laughs as he runs home]''}}
 
{{L|Announcer|Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: "Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.}}
 
{{L|Announcer|Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: "Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.}}
{{L|Squidward|''[in his home]'' Greetings. I am Squidward Tentacles, your host of "Squidward Chat". ''[Gary is seen watching TV, and clicks remote]'' Today on Squidward Chat we will be discussing something near and dear to my heart, underappreciated artists like myself. ''[SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[in his home]'' Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles, your host of "Squidward Chat". ''[Gary is seen watching TV, and clicks remote with his eye]'' Today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart, under-appreciated artists like myself. ''[SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Squidward's on TV? Eey! ''[rushes to Squidward's house]'' Squidward! Squidward! ''[rushes into house, but goes back out, knocks and goes inside.]'' Squidward, you're on TV! ''[Squidward frowns]'' No, really Squidward, come look!}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|Squidward's on TV? ''[screams and rushes to Squidward's house]'' Squidward! Squidward! ''[he pants and then rushes into the house, but goes back out, knocks and then goes inside. He pants as he approaches Squidward]'' Squidward, you're on TV! ''[Squidward frowns]'' No, really, Squidward, come look!}}
{{L|Squidward|I know, I am on TV! See the camera? You're on TV too! ''[SpongeBob smiles]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|I know I'm on TV! See the camera? ''[They both look at a camera]'' You're on TV too! ''[SpongeBob stares at the camera]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|TV? ''[leaves happily]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|TV? ''[leaves happily]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Moron! As I was saying... today, on Squidward Chat we will be discussing...}}
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{{L|Squidward|Moron. As I was saying, today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing...}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Wow! ''[SpongeBob enters with Patrick]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Wow! ''[SpongeBob enters with Patrick]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|So I went to tell Squidward that he was on TV and he told me I was on TV and now you're on TV!}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV and he told me that I was on TV and now you're on TV!}}
{{L|Patrick|I'm on TV? ''[rushes back to his house and turns on the TV]''}}
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{{L|Patrick|I'm on TV?! ''[rushes back to his house and turns on the TV]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|This isn't happening!!!}}
 
{{L|Squidward|This isn't happening!!!}}
{{L|Patrick|I'm not on TV! ''[rushes back into Squidward's house]'' SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me SpongeBob? Why?}}
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{{L|Patrick|I'm not on TV! ''[rushes back into Squidward's house]'' SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[annoyingly]'' Patrick, just how dumb are you?}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[annoyingly]'' Patrick, just how dumb are you?}}
{{L|Patrick|It varies...}}
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{{L|Patrick|It varies.}}
{{L|Squidward|''[slaps head]'' If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!}}
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{{L|Squidward|If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!}}
{{L|Patrick|Ohhh. I get it! ''[rushes to camera]'' Hi, TV people! ''[shows mouth in camera]'' Hey, my mouth! It's on TV! ''[a live action mouth is seen on a television set]''}}
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{{L|Patrick|Ohhh. I get it! ''[rushes to camera, giggling]'' Hi, TV people! ''[puts his face on the lens, then shows his mouth]'' And my mouth is on TV! ''[a live action shot of the inside of a person's mouth is shown on a television set]''}}
 
{{L|Grandma|This is disgusting!}}
 
{{L|Grandma|This is disgusting!}}
{{L|Patrick|''[licks camera and bites it]'' Hey, SpongeBob! You gotta try this! ''[they play with the camera]''}}
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{{L|Patrick|''[licks and bites the lens]'' SpongeBob! You gotta try this! ''[they both play with the camera]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Patrick, SpongeBob, get off my camera! ''[takes them off camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Patrick gets off of him]'' Would you two get out of here?}}
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{{L|Squidward|Patrick, SpongeBob, get off my camera! ''[gets Patrick off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Squidward growls and pushes Patrick off of him]'' Would you get out of here?}}
{{L|Patrick|Doubt it! ''[Squidward slaps his head]''}}
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{{L|Patrick|''[scratching his head]'' Doubt it. ''[Squidward slaps his head and sighs]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?}}
 
{{L|Squidward|If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Cameraman?}}
 
{{L|Patrick|Cameraman?}}
{{L|Squidward|That means you take all the pretty pictures.}}
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{{L|Squidward|That means you take all the pretty pictures. ''[makes air quotes]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Okay!}}
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{{L|Patrick|All right!}}
{{L|SpongeBob|Oh! Oh! Give me a job too, please!}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|Ooh ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Let me do something too, please?!}}
{{L|Squidward|Fine. You can be the soundman. ''[hands SpongeBob a boom]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Fine. You can be the soundman. ''[hands SpongeBob a boom microphone]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[amazed]'' Soundman...}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|''[amazed as an angelic choir sings]'' Soundman...}}
{{L|Squidward|Imbeciles! ''[clears throat]'' Today, we will be talking about... Why isn't the camera on me?'' [Patrick moves it around]'' No! I'm the one talking! ''[growls. Goes in front of camera]'' I'm right here! Today on Squidward Chat... we will be discussing the under appreciated arts. Patrick I'm down here! ''[Patrick lowers camera]'' As I was saying...Today we will be... ''[Patrick lifts the camera up and down]'' Today... ''[growls]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Imbeciles! ''[clears throat]'' Today, we're going to be talking about... ''[camera is aimed at a still painting of Squidward]'' Why isn't the camera on me?'' [Patrick moves it to another painting]'' No! I'm the one talking! ''[Patrick moves the camera around, Squidward growls and jumps in front of the camera]'' I'm right here! Ahem! Today on Squidward Chat... we'll be discussing the under-appreciated arts. ''[Squidward sits down]'' Patrick, I'm down here! ''[Patrick lowers camera]'' As I was saying, today, we'll be... ''[Patrick moves the camera up and down once]'' Today... ''[Patrick moves the camera up and down repeatedly and Squidward growls]''}}
{{L|Patrick|Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! ''[Squidward growls, and rushes up and ties Patrick to the camera]''}}
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{{L|Patrick|''[as he moves the camera up and down]'' Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! ''[Squidward growls, gets up, walks up to Patrick, and ties him to the camera]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Now, then I was going to tell you about my fabulous... ''[SpongeBob lowers boom into scene and places it in Squidward's mouth]'' Sponge...! ''[Boom hits Squidward, Squidward growls]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[sits back down]'' Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous... ''[SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into the scene, hits it on Squidward's head and puts it in his mouth]'' Sponge...! ''[Microphone hits Squidward in the face and he growls]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|It's heavy! ''[Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob]'' Thanks! But it itches. ''[Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV]''}}
 
{{L|SpongeBob|It's heavy! ''[Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob]'' Thanks! But it itches. ''[Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV]''}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[off-screen]'' I gotta go potty!}}
 
{{L|Patrick|''[off-screen]'' I gotta go potty!}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Squidward has his own TV show?}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Squidward has his own TV show?}}
{{L|Squidward|Well you'll just have to hold it Patrick! Now if there are no more interruptions... ''[Mr. Krabs holds a sign "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of camera]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Well, you'll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... ''[Mr. Krabs holds a sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera]''}}
{{L|Mr. Krabs|Eat at the Krusty Krab, home to the original Krabby Patty and remember: we change our grease monthly!}}
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{{L|Mr. Krabs|Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! ''[Squidward gets up]'' And remember, we change our grease monthly!}}
{{L|Squidward|Out! ''[pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back sighing in relief]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Out! ''[pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back, groans and sighs in relief]''}}
{{L|Mr. Krabs|''[dances with sign, singing]'' Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! ''[cut to Sandy seeing the show]''}}
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{{L|Mr. Krabs|''[comes back in, dances with sign and sings]'' Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! ''[cut to Sandy seeing the show]''}}
{{L|Sandy|Whee doggy! I can line-dance better than that! ''[goes in front of camera and dances]'' Yee-haw!}}
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{{L|Sandy|Whee, doggy! I can line-dance better than that! ''[goes in front of the camera and dances]'' Yee-haw!}}
{{L|Pearl|Daddy! I'm borrowing your wallet! ''[sees TV]'' Line dancing? Eww! That is so lame. What they need is my cheer routine...''[Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk, cut to Plankton at the Chum Bucket]'' Give me a K...}}
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{{L|Pearl|Daddy! I'm borrowing your wallet! ''[sees Mr. Krabs and Sandy dancing on TV]'' Line dancing? Eww! That is so lame. What they need is my way cool cheer routine. ''[Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk, breaking it in half]'' Give me a K! ''[cuts to Plankton at the Chum Bucket watching the show]''}}
{{L|Plankton|Oh, please. I can cause more and more collateral damage than that! Karen, where did you put my death ray?}}
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{{L|Plankton|Oh, please. I can cause far more collateral damage than that! ''[walks off]'' Karen, where'd you put my death ray?}}
{{L|Pearl|Go, team, go! Go, team, go! ''[Plankton laughs evilly and cocks his death ray and fires around the house]''}}
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{{L|Pearl|Go, team, go! Go, team, go! Go, team, go! ''[Plankton appears on camera, laughs evilly and starts firing lasers around the house, breaking two paintings in the process]''}}
{{L|Patrick|''[laughs]'' My shorts are wet!}}
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{{L|Patrick|''[laughs as he rocks the camera up and down]'' My shorts are wet! ''[lasers fly by him]''}}
{{L|Pearl|Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! ''[Plankton fires at Mr. Krabs]''}}
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{{L|Pearl|''[as camera pans at Sandy, then at Pearl, and then at Mr. Krabs]'' Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! ''[Plankton then fires at Mr. Krabs]''}}
{{L|Plankton|Eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! ''[evil laughs, Mr. Krabs kicks him away]''}}
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{{L|Plankton|And eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! ''[he laughs evilly and then Mr. Krabs kicks him away]''}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!''}}
 
{{L|Mr. Krabs|The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[sadly]'' Nooo!!! My show! ''[sniffles and sobs]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[sadly]'' Nooo!!! My show! ''[sniffles and sobs]''}}
{{L|SpongeBob|''[rubs his back]'' You seem tense! ''[Squidward growls]''}}
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{{L|SpongeBob|''[rises from behind the desk along with his arms and then rubs Squidward's back]'' You seem tense. ''[Squidward growls]''}}
{{L|Squidward|That's it! Everyone, out! What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?}}
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{{L|Squidward|''[groans and pushes SpongeBob away]'' Cut that out! ''[Squidward gets angry and veins throb in his forehead]'' That's it! Everyone, out!!! ''[everybody stops what they're doing]'' What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!!}}
{{L|Larry the Lobster|Did somebody say housewarming? Hey, everybody! It's a housewarming! ''[citizens come into Squidward's house and cheering]''}}
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{{L|Larry the Lobster|''[as Squidward frowns]'' Did somebody say housewarming? Hey, everyone! It's a housewarming! ''[citizens come into Squidward's house cheering as the house's cheeks start puffing up. Squidward notices everyone talking as a limousine pulls up and a man comes out]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Get off of my set! This is not working!!! ''[a limousine pulls up and a man comes in]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Get off my set! This is not working!!! ''[the man comes in]''}}
{{L|Man|Actually I say the show is doing just fine. Well according to our latest ratings. ''[pulls out a bag of money. Laughs. Coughs. Clears throat]'' This is actually a lot by public access standings. Everyone is working out except for you... ''[points to a lady]'' ...you... ''[points to a boy]'' ...you... ''[points to a man]'' ...and you! ''[points to Squidward]''}}
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{{L|Man|Actually, I'd say the show is doing just fine. ''[he approaches Squidward]'' At least according to our latest ratings. ''[pulls out a bag of money, big at first, but then zooms out to show that the bag is tiny. He then laughs, coughs and clears his throat]'' This is actually a lot by public access standards. Everyone is working out except for you... ''[points to a lady]'' ...you... ''[points to a boy]'' ...you... ''[points to a man]'' ...and you! ''[points to Squidward]''}}
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{{L|Squidward|Me? ''[Squidward is kicked out of his house. Cuts to Squidward in the bed frowning with a remote in his hand]''}} {{L|Announcer|And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the last 20 weeks: ''[as horn toots]'' "Squidward's House Party"! With your host, Zeus the Guitar Lord.}} {{L|Zeus|Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom. Are you ready to party Squidward style? ''[crowd cheers, applauds. Cuts to Squidward in his bed frowning]'' Thank you for making us number one because I was finally able to get... ''[shows his guitar on camera]'' ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! ''[Squidward growls]'' LET'S PAARRTTYY!!! ''[As a curtain reveals Zeus, he begins to play guitar as audience cheers and applauds. The scene zooms out to show Sandy line-dancing, SpongeBob playing the keyboard, Patrick playing the drums and Pearl doing her cheer. Mr. Krabs swings on a rope holding the sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" as Plankton is pressing buttons, which fire lasers. Cuts to TV, then to Squidward, who is shocked]''}} {{L|Squidward|''[as he stomps on the floor while holding a broom]'' Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! ''[screams as the camera pans down on Zeus, rocks start falling from the ceiling. People continue to party around Squidward's house. Fades to black, ending the episode.]''}}
{{L|Squidward|Me? ''[Squidward is kicked and booted out]''}}
 
{{L|''[cut to night]''}}
 
{{L|Announcer|And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the past twenty weeks: "Squidward's House Party"! With your host: Zeus the Guitar Lord.}}
 
{{L|Zeus|Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom. Are you ready to party; Squidward style? ''[crowd cheering and applauds and screaming and whistling and roaring while Squidward frowns]'' Thank you... for making us number one, because I was finally able to get a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! ''[Squidward growls]'' LET'S PAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTYYYYY!!!}}
 
{{L|''[Zeus plays guitar and audience cheering and applauds and screaming and whistling and roaring and celebrating and begin making music so very loud, it can hear all around the world, curtain opens as it reveals the band and Plankton shoots his death ray, Mr. Krabs swings with his sign, and Sandy line-dancing and Pearl cheer-leading, Squidward is shocked, crowd is offscreen]''}}
 
{{L|Squidward|''[bangs his broom on floor]'' Keep it down, I'm trying to sleep! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!}}
 
{{L|''[people keep partying around Squidward's house]''}}
 
[[Category:Transcripts]]
 

Revision as of 12:27, 9 March 2015

Template:EpisodeTr/127a

  • [Episode starts at the night view of Bikini Bottom with a scallop on the sign, then a view of Squidward's house, with a light now turned on. Squidward picks up a remote and sits on his couch]
  • Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. [clicks remote]
  • Announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.
  • Squidward: No, no, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.
  • Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: [Squidward claps his hands] "Fab and Fancy", your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel-encrusted mittens, [doorbell rings] and classical doorbell chimes...
  • Squidward: How sophisticating! [drinks coffee]
  • Announcer: ...has been cancelled! [buzzer sounds]
  • Squidward: [spits out steam] Oh, yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. [cuts to coffee maker as he makes the coffee] Why in the world would they cancel "Fab and Fancy"? What could possibly be more enriching? [as he drinks his coffee, guitar music starts playing, the house starts shaking and Squidward spits out coffee] What??!! [a man continues to play the guitar on TV. He's then lit on fire, and then explodes and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord".]
  • Zeus: Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I would want a really killer one like this! [pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]
  • Squidward: [He scoffs. In an angered tone] He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
  • Zeus: [shows his phone number: "1-32G-LORD"] So, here's my number if you want to talk about... [phone rings] Hello?
  • Squidward: [angrily] Where is my "Fab and Fancy"?!
  • Zeus: Your... what?
  • Squidward: I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture if it bit you on the guitar!
  • Zeus: Uh... hummm... I don't have a guitar.
  • Squidward: Do they just give a show to just anybody over there?
  • Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
  • Squidward: [surprised] Really?
  • Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.
  • Squidward: It's that easy? [hangs up phone and dials a number] Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? [excitedly] Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show! [cut to the Krusty Krab later] Come on! Just a few more minutes, Squiddie, and it will be your turn to bask in the limelight! [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Ohhh, yeah! Oh, limelight basking! Baskin' in the limelight! [laughs] Oh, good times. Good times. [turns to Squidward] So where will said basking take place?
  • Squidward: [angrily] Like, I would tell you! Hmph... [thinks] Although, I've waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face. Anyone's face. [turns to SpongeBob who winks. He shivers.] Even that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want is for you to show up so plug your ears! [shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears] Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but... Wait, no! That's exactly what I mean to do! [SpongeBob just hears Squidward mumbling. Clock ticks to 5:00PM and a bell rings] Oh! [rushes off]
  • SpongeBob: Say again, Squidward? [Squidward laughs as he runs home]
  • Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: "Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
  • Squidward: [in his home] Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles, your host of "Squidward Chat". [Gary is seen watching TV, and clicks remote with his eye] Today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart, under-appreciated artists like myself. [SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV? [screams and rushes to Squidward's house] Squidward! Squidward! [he pants and then rushes into the house, but goes back out, knocks and then goes inside. He pants as he approaches Squidward] Squidward, you're on TV! [Squidward frowns] No, really, Squidward, come look!
  • Squidward: I know I'm on TV! See the camera? [They both look at a camera] You're on TV too! [SpongeBob stares at the camera]
  • SpongeBob: TV? [leaves happily]
  • Squidward: Moron. As I was saying, today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing...
  • Patrick: Wow! [SpongeBob enters with Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV and he told me that I was on TV and now you're on TV!
  • Patrick: I'm on TV?! [rushes back to his house and turns on the TV]
  • Squidward: This isn't happening!!!
  • Patrick: I'm not on TV! [rushes back into Squidward's house] SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?
  • Squidward: [annoyingly] Patrick, just how dumb are you?
  • Patrick: It varies.
  • Squidward: If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!
  • Patrick: Ohhh. I get it! [rushes to camera, giggling] Hi, TV people! [puts his face on the lens, then shows his mouth] And my mouth is on TV! [a live action shot of the inside of a person's mouth is shown on a television set]
  • Grandma: This is disgusting!
  • Patrick: [licks and bites the lens] SpongeBob! You gotta try this! [they both play with the camera]
  • Squidward: Patrick, SpongeBob, get off my camera! [gets Patrick off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Squidward growls and pushes Patrick off of him] Would you get out of here?
  • Patrick: [scratching his head] Doubt it. [Squidward slaps his head and sighs]
  • Squidward: If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?
  • Patrick: Cameraman?
  • Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures. [makes air quotes]
  • Patrick: All right!
  • SpongeBob: Ooh ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Let me do something too, please?!
  • Squidward: Fine. You can be the soundman. [hands SpongeBob a boom microphone]
  • SpongeBob: [amazed as an angelic choir sings] Soundman...
  • Squidward: Imbeciles! [clears throat] Today, we're going to be talking about... [camera is aimed at a still painting of Squidward] Why isn't the camera on me? [Patrick moves it to another painting] No! I'm the one talking! [Patrick moves the camera around, Squidward growls and jumps in front of the camera] I'm right here! Ahem! Today on Squidward Chat... we'll be discussing the under-appreciated arts. [Squidward sits down] Patrick, I'm down here! [Patrick lowers camera] As I was saying, today, we'll be... [Patrick moves the camera up and down once] Today... [Patrick moves the camera up and down repeatedly and Squidward growls]
  • Patrick: [as he moves the camera up and down] Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! [Squidward growls, gets up, walks up to Patrick, and ties him to the camera]
  • Squidward: [sits back down] Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous... [SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into the scene, hits it on Squidward's head and puts it in his mouth] Sponge...! [Microphone hits Squidward in the face and he growls]
  • SpongeBob: It's heavy! [Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob] Thanks! But it itches. [Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV]
  • Patrick: [off-screen] I gotta go potty!
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?
  • Squidward: Well, you'll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... [Mr. Krabs holds a sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera]
  • Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! [Squidward gets up] And remember, we change our grease monthly!
  • Squidward: Out! [pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back, groans and sighs in relief]
  • Mr. Krabs: [comes back in, dances with sign and sings] Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! [cut to Sandy seeing the show]
  • Sandy: Whee, doggy! I can line-dance better than that! [goes in front of the camera and dances] Yee-haw!
  • Pearl: Daddy! I'm borrowing your wallet! [sees Mr. Krabs and Sandy dancing on TV] Line dancing? Eww! That is so lame. What they need is my way cool cheer routine. [Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk, breaking it in half] Give me a K! [cuts to Plankton at the Chum Bucket watching the show]
  • Plankton: Oh, please. I can cause far more collateral damage than that! [walks off] Karen, where'd you put my death ray?
  • Pearl: Go, team, go! Go, team, go! Go, team, go! [Plankton appears on camera, laughs evilly and starts firing lasers around the house, breaking two paintings in the process]
  • Patrick: [laughs as he rocks the camera up and down] My shorts are wet! [lasers fly by him]
  • Pearl: [as camera pans at Sandy, then at Pearl, and then at Mr. Krabs] Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! [Plankton then fires at Mr. Krabs]
  • Plankton: And eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! [he laughs evilly and then Mr. Krabs kicks him away]
  • Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
  • Squidward: [sadly] Nooo!!! My show! [sniffles and sobs]
  • SpongeBob: [rises from behind the desk along with his arms and then rubs Squidward's back] You seem tense. [Squidward growls]
  • Squidward: [groans and pushes SpongeBob away] Cut that out! [Squidward gets angry and veins throb in his forehead] That's it! Everyone, out!!! [everybody stops what they're doing] What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!!
  • Larry the Lobster: [as Squidward frowns] Did somebody say housewarming? Hey, everyone! It's a housewarming! [citizens come into Squidward's house cheering as the house's cheeks start puffing up. Squidward notices everyone talking as a limousine pulls up and a man comes out]
  • Squidward: Get off my set! This is not working!!! [the man comes in]
  • Man: Actually, I'd say the show is doing just fine. [he approaches Squidward] At least according to our latest ratings. [pulls out a bag of money, big at first, but then zooms out to show that the bag is tiny. He then laughs, coughs and clears his throat] This is actually a lot by public access standards. Everyone is working out except for you... [points to a lady] ...you... [points to a boy] ...you... [points to a man] ...and you! [points to Squidward]
  • Squidward: Me? [Squidward is kicked out of his house. Cuts to Squidward in the bed frowning with a remote in his hand] 
  • Announcer: And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the last 20 weeks: [as horn toots] "Squidward's House Party"! With your host, Zeus the Guitar Lord.
  • Zeus: Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom. Are you ready to party Squidward style? [crowd cheers, applauds. Cuts to Squidward in his bed frowning] Thank you for making us number one because I was finally able to get... [shows his guitar on camera] ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! [Squidward growls] LET'S PAARRTTYY!!! [As a curtain reveals Zeus, he begins to play guitar as audience cheers and applauds. The scene zooms out to show Sandy line-dancing, SpongeBob playing the keyboard, Patrick playing the drums and Pearl doing her cheer. Mr. Krabs swings on a rope holding the sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" as Plankton is pressing buttons, which fire lasers. Cuts to TV, then to Squidward, who is shocked]
  • Squidward: [as he stomps on the floor while holding a broom] Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! [screams as the camera pans down on Zeus, rocks start falling from the ceiling. People continue to party around Squidward's house. Fades to black, ending the episode.]