[Episode starts at the night view of Bikini Bottom with a scallop on the sign, then a view of Squidward's house, with a light now turned on. Squidward picks up a remote and sits on his couch]
Squidward: All of the most intelligent programming starts before 5 AM. [clicks remote]
Announcer: Our programming will begin shortly.
Squidward: No, no, no. Take your time. It's worth the wait.
Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: [Squidward claps his hands] "Fab and Fancy," your source for the latest in exotic pets, collectible jewel-encrusted mittens, [doorbell rings] and classical doorbell chimes...
Squidward: How sophisticating! [drinks coffee]
Announcer: ...has been cancelled! [buzzer sounds]
Squidward:[spits out steam] Oh, yeah, I haven't made the coffee yet. [cuts to coffee maker as he makes the coffee] Why in the world would they cancel "Fab and Fancy?" What could possibly be more enriching? [as he drinks his coffee, guitar music starts playing, the house starts shaking and Squidward spits out coffee] What?! [a man continues to play the guitar on TV. He's then lit on fire, and then explodes and a title card comes up saying "The Guitar Lord".]
Zeus: Hey. I'm Zeus the Guitar Lord. I don't have a guitar yet. But if I did, I would want a really killer one like this! [pulls out a paper, showing a red guitar]
Squidward:[He scoffs. In an angered tone] He obviously doesn't know the first thing about music! This is an outrage!
Zeus:[shows his phone number: "1-32G-LORD"] So, here's my number if you want to talk about... [phone rings] Hello?
Squidward:[angrily] Where is my "Fab and Fancy?!"
Zeus: Your... what?
Squidward: I'm quite certain you wouldn't know culture if it bit you on the guitar!
Zeus: Uh... hummm... I don't have a guitar.
Squidward: Do they just give a show to just anybody over there?
Zeus: Pretty much. My mom gave me this one for my birthday.
Zeus: Yeah. I wanted a guitar or a star named after me... but you know, whatever. I guess a TV show is cool.
Squidward: It's that easy? [hangs up phone and dials a number] Hello? Bikini Bottom Public Access? [excitedly] Give me a TV show! Give me a TV show! I want a show! [cut to the Krusty Krab later] Come on! Just a few more minutes, Squiddie, and it will be your turn to bask in the limelight! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Ohhh, yeah! Oh, limelight basking! Baskin' in the limelight! [laughs] Oh, good times. Good times. [turns to Squidward] So where will said basking take place?
Squidward:[angrily] Like, I would tell you! Hmph... [thinking] Although, I've waited my whole life to have enough glory to rub it in someone's face. Anyone's face. [turns to SpongeBob who winks. He shivers.] Even that face. Okay! I'll tell you, but the last thing I would want is for you to show up so plug your ears! [shoves Krabby Patties in SpongeBob's ears] Well, I don't want to toot my own whistle, but... Wait, no! That's exactly what I mean to do! [SpongeBob just hears Squidward mumbling. Clock ticks to 5:00PM and a bell rings] Oh! [rushes off]
SpongeBob: Say again, Squidward? [Squidward laughs as he runs home]
Announcer: Bikini Bottom Public Access presents: "Squidward Chat!" With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward:[in his home] Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles, your host of "Squidward Chat". [Gary is seen watching TV at his house. He pushes a button on the remote.][Off-Screen] Today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing something near and dear to my heart, under-appreciated artists like myself. [SpongeBob sees Squidward on TV]
SpongeBob: Squidward's on TV? [screams and rushes to Squidward's house] Squidward! Squidward! [he pants and then rushes into the house, but goes back out, knocks and then goes inside. He pants as he approaches Squidward] Squidward, you're on TV! [Squidward frowns] No, really, Squidward, come look!
Squidward: I know I'm on TV! See the camera? [They both look at a camera] You're on TV too! [SpongeBob stares at the camera]
SpongeBob: TV? [leaves happily]
Squidward: Moron. As I was saying, today, on Squidward Chat, we'll be discussing...
Patrick: Wow! [SpongeBob enters with Patrick]
SpongeBob: So I ran to tell Squidward that he was on TV and he told me that I was on TV and now you're on TV!
Patrick: I'm on TV?! [rushes back to his house and turns on the TV]
Squidward: This isn't happening!
Patrick: I'm not on TV! [rushes back into Squidward's house] SpongeBob! I went home and turned on my TV, but... I wasn't on the TV. Why did you lie to me, SpongeBob? Why?
Squidward:[annoyingly] Patrick, just how dumb are you?
Patrick: It varies.
Squidward: If you want to be on TV, you have to be in front of the camera!
Patrick: Ohhh. I get it! [rushes to camera, giggling] Hi, TV people! [puts his face on the lens, then shows his mouth] And my mouth is on TV! [a live action shot of the inside of a person's mouth is shown on a television set]
Grandma: This is disgusting!
Patrick:[licks and bites the lens] SpongeBob! You gotta try this! [they both play with the camera]
Squidward: Patrick, SpongeBob, get off my camera! [gets Patrick off the camera, but Patrick falls onto Squidward. Squidward growls and pushes Patrick off of him] Would you get out of here?
Patrick:[scratching his head] Doubt it. [Squidward slaps his head and sighs]
Squidward: If you like the camera so much, why don't you be the cameraman?
Squidward: That means you take all the pretty pictures. [makes air quotes]
Patrick: All right!
SpongeBob: Ooh ooh! Whoo! Whoo! Let me do something too, please?!
Squidward: Fine. You can be the soundman. [hands SpongeBob a boom microphone]
SpongeBob:[amazed as an angelic choir sings] Soundman...
Squidward: Imbeciles! [clears throat] Today, we're going to be talking about... [camera is aimed at a still painting of Squidward] Why isn't the camera on me? [Patrick moves it to another painting] No! I'm the one talking! [Patrick moves the camera around, Squidward growls and jumps in front of the camera] I'm right here! Ahem! Today on Squidward Chat... we'll be discussing the under-appreciated arts. [Squidward sits down] Patrick, I'm down here! [Patrick lowers camera] As I was saying, today, we'll be... [Patrick moves the camera up and down once] Today... [Patrick moves the camera up and down repeatedly and Squidward growls]
Patrick:[as he moves the camera up and down] Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! Upsy-daisy! Downsy-wounsy! [Squidward growls, gets up, walks up to Patrick, and ties him to the camera]
Squidward:[sits back down] Now then, I was going to tell you about my fabulous... [SpongeBob lowers boom microphone into the scene, hits it on Squidward's head and puts it in his mouth] Sponge...! [Microphone hits Squidward in the face and he growls]
SpongeBob: It's heavy! [Squidward grabs it and places it in SpongeBob] Thanks! But it itches. [Cut to Mr. Krabs seeing Squidward on TV]
Patrick:[off-screen] I gotta go potty!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward has his own TV show?
Squidward: Well, you'll just have to hold it, Patrick! Now, if there are no more interruptions... [Mr. Krabs holds a sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" in front of the camera]
Mr. Krabs: Eat at the Krusty Krab, home of the original Krabby Patty! [Squidward gets up] And remember, we change our grease monthly!
Squidward: Out! [pushes Mr. Krabs out and comes back, groans and sighs in relief]
Mr. Krabs:[comes back in, dances with sign and sings] Krusty Krab! Krusty Krab! We don't want just you! We want your money too! [cut to Sandy seeing the show]
Sandy: Whee, doggy! I can line-dance better than that! [goes in front of the camera and dances] Yee-haw!
Pearl: Daddy! I'm borrowing your wallet! [sees Mr. Krabs and Sandy dancing on TV] Line dancing? Eww! That is so lame. What they need is my way cool cheer routine. [Pearl falls onto Squidward's desk, breaking it in half] Give me a K! [cuts to Plankton at the Chum Bucket watching the show]
Plankton: Oh, please. I can cause far more collateral damage than that! [walks off] Karen, where'd you put my death ray?
Pearl: Go, team, go! Go, team, go! Go, team, go! [Plankton appears on camera, laughs evilly and starts firing lasers around the house, breaking two paintings in the process]
Patrick:[laughs as he rocks the camera up and down] My shorts are wet! [lasers fly by him]
Pearl:[as camera pans at Sandy, then at Pearl, and then at Mr. Krabs] Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! Fight, team, fight! [Plankton then fires at Mr. Krabs]
Plankton: And eat at the Chum Bucket or perish! [he laughs evilly and then Mr. Krabs kicks him away]
Mr. Krabs: The Krusty Krab! The Krusty Krab! Eat at the Krusty Krab!
Squidward:[sadly] Nooo! My show! [sniffles and sobs]
SpongeBob:[rises from behind the desk along with his arms and then rubs Squidward's back] You seem tense. [Squidward growls]
Squidward:[groans and pushes SpongeBob away] Cut that out! [Squidward gets angry and veins throb in his forehead] That's it! Everyone, out! [everybody stops what they're doing] What do you think this is, huh? Some kind of housewarming?!
Larry the Lobster:[as Squidward frowns] Did somebody say housewarming? Hey, everyone! It's a housewarming! [citizens come into Squidward's house cheering as the house's cheeks start puffing up. Squidward notices everyone talking as a limousine pulls up and a man comes out]
Squidward: Get off my set! This is not working! [the man comes in]
Man: Actually, I'd say the show is doing just fine. [he approaches Squidward] At least according to our latest ratings. [pulls out a bag of money, big at first, but then zooms out to show that the bag is tiny. He then laughs, coughs and clears his throat] This is actually a lot by public access standards. Everyone is working out except for you... [points to a lady] ...you... [points to a boy] ...you... [points to a man] ...and you! [points to Squidward]
Squidward: Me? [Squidward is kicked out of his house. Cuts to Squidward in the bed frowning with a remote in his hand]
Announcer: And now, Bikini Bottom's top public access show for the last 20 weeks: [as horn toots] "Squidward's House Party!" With your host, Zeus the Guitar Lord.
Zeus: Hey, hey, hey, Bikini Bottom. Are you ready to party Squidward style? [crowd cheers, applauds. Cuts to Squidward in his bed frowning] Thank you for making us number one because I was finally able to get... [shows his guitar on camera] ...a new guitar! Thanks, Squidward! [Squidward growls] Let's party! [As a curtain reveals Zeus, he begins to play guitar as audience cheers and applauds. The scene zooms out to show Sandy line-dancing, SpongeBob playing the keyboard, Patrick playing the drums and Pearl doing her cheer. Mr. Krabs swings on a rope holding the sign that says "Eat at the Krusty Krab" as Plankton is pressing buttons, which fire lasers. Cuts to TV, then to Squidward, who is shocked]
Squidward:[as he stomps on the floor while holding a broom] Keep it down! I'm trying to sleep! [screams as the camera pans down on Zeus, rocks start falling from the ceiling. People continue to party around Squidward's house. Fades to black, ending the episode.]