Squirrel Jokes/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/31b

• [Lights are circling outside the Krusty Krab. Inside, there is a sign hanging from the ceiling that says 'Komedy Krab']
• Mr. Krabs: Okay, everybody settle down. Welcome [pauses] to the Komedy Krab! [Puts an arrow on his eyes. Everyone laughs] Now please give a warm welcome to our first comic, the indiscernible Dougie Williams. [Dougie walks onto the stage as Mr. Krabs walks out]
• Dougie Williams: Good evening, folks. I'm going to skip the jokes and get right to the part where I throw pies at you. [Pulls out a cart of pies. The crowd takes out their umbrellas. SpongeBob opens the curtain from behind and gets splattered with pie]
• SpongeBob: [Laughs] I hope I do as good as that guy.
• Dougie Williams: [Backstage] Man, those people will laugh at anything. Hey, don't sweat it kid, I got them all worked up for you.
• Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants. [SpongeBob walks out with a bow tie on]
• Sandy: Go get 'em, SpongeBob!
• Patrick: [Sitting at a table with Sandy] Whoo-hoo! [SpongeBob gives them a thumbs-up]
• SpongeBob: Hey, hey, hey ladies and jellyfish, have you ever noticed salt shakers? I mean, you fill them up every night at closing, and I mean, where does it all go? Huh? You know what I mean?
• [No one laughs. A cricket is heard chirping. Cut to a live-action clip of a cricket chirping.]
• SpongeBob: And tomatoes -- what's the deal on those things? [Chuckles weakly. Crowd is still silent] I mean, you chop them up into slices, but... [Cut again to the cricket, who is no longer chirping.] What are they, vegetables or... fruit? And what does that make? Ketchup? [Chuckles weakly]
• Fish #1: Oh, brother, this guy STINKS!
• Harold: Hey, hey funny guy! I've got a joke for you! What smells rotten and puts people to sleep?
• SpongeBob: Umm, noxious gas?
• Harold: No! Your act! [Everyone laughs]
• SpongeBob: Did you ever notice how, uhh... [Notices a fork on a table] ...forks, uhh...
• Fish #3: Forks?! Come on! [Crowd is booing]
• SpongeBob: [Thinking] Quick, SpongeBob, make a witty observation! [Looks around for material then notices Sandy's teeth] Did you ever notice how big squirrels' teeth are? [Crowd chuckles]
• Fish: That's true.
• Sandy: Huh?
• SpongeBob: I mean, hey, you could land a plane on those things. [Crowd laughs more] And what's up with all that squirrel fur? I guess fleas need a home too. [Crowd laughs loud]
• Patrick: [Laughing] Squirrel fur!
• SpongeBob: And they smell! But hey, you'd stink too if you spent three months buried in dirt. [Crowd laughs] Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a light bulb?
• Fish #2: Why?
• SpongeBob: Because, they're so darn stupid! [Crowd laughs]
• Patrick: That's a good one, huh, Sandy?
• Sandy: Uhh, y-yeah... [SpongeBob walks behind the curtain where Mr. Krabs is waiting for him]
• Mr. Krabs: That was fantastic, boy. You really knocked them out! I think I'll do this joke night thing again with you as the head-liner!
• SpongeBob: I never thought I could be a head-liner! Whatever that is.
• Mr. Krabs: The headliner's the one who cleans up after the show. [Hands SpongeBob a mop]
• SpongeBob: At least I don't have to clean up my act! [Laughs]
• Mr. Krabs: Stick with the squirrel jokes, boy. Now get busy. [Walks off]
• SpongeBob: Mops, mops, mops, what's up with those things? I mean, really. [Walks up to Sandy] Oh hey, Sandy!
• Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Did you enjoy the show?
• Sandy: Well, ac-actually SpongeBob, n-no. Those jokes are hurtful and you know it.
• SpongeBob: Come on Sandy, I was just joking. I mean, everybody knows that you're the smartest one in Bikini Bottom.
• Sandy: Well, I can't argue with that.
• SpongeBob: We all gotta laugh at ourselves once in a while. I do it all the time! [Holds up a mirror and laughs excessively into it. Sandy chuckles]
• Sandy: You're right, SpongeBob. I was being a little too sensitive. [Both hug] No hard feelings. [Scene cuts to Sandy at Barg'N-Mart] Okay, deodorant. Huh, let's see. Roll-on or stick? [Fred and Nancy walk by]
• Fred: I think she should buy both. [Laughs]
• Sandy: Huh?
• Scooter: Hey look guys! [Seen with Lloyd and Eddy] It's the stupid squirrel!
• Lloyd: I know, let's try to communicate with it.
• All: Duh... [Making funny faces then walk off laughing]
• Sandy: Hmph! [Throws the deodorant into the cart then walks up to a little kid] Hello, little critter! What's your name?
• Mable: [Grabs her child] Don't stand too close to a squirrel, Billy. You'll catch its stupid. [Walks off]
• Billy: Okay, mom.
• Sandy: Stupidity isn't a virus, but it sure is spreading like one. [Scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where everyone is chanting for SpongeBob. SpongeBob is sitting at a desk preparing for his act]
• SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la. Squirrely, squirrely, squirrely, squirrel. Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid.
• Sandy: Hey, uhh, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Sandy.
• Sandy: Umm, I need to talk to you about them squirrel jokes.
• SpongeBob: We already talked about that, remember? [Looks in a mirror and laughs]
• Sandy: SpongeBob, this is serious. Since you've been telling them jokes, people have been treating me different. [Patrick walks backstage]
• Patrick: SpongeBob, five minutes. [Notices Sandy then talks slowly] Hel-lo... Sandy. Me Patrick. Do you un-der-stand? [Sandy looks away] Squirrels. [Walks off]
• Sandy: Y-y-you see? That's what I'm talking about!
• SpongeBob: Ah, that's just Patrick. He's just fooling around.
• Sandy: I'm just asking you as a friend, please lay off them squirrel jokes, OK? Tell some of them other jokes you got.
• SpongeBob: [Nervously] Other jokes? [Imagines the fork joke] Bah! I got a million of them.
• Sandy: [Hugs SpongeBob] Thanks SpongeBob, I knew you'd understand. [Walks to her seat. The crowd is still chanting for SpongeBob]
• Mr. Krabs: Put your fins together for SpongeBob SquarePants. [In deleted scene, he says "Put your fins together, fishes, for SpongeBob SquarePants again." Everyone cheers as SpongeBob walks out]
• SpongeBob: Uhh, hi. [Chuckles nervously] Uhh, did you hear about the goldfish who went bankrupt? Now he's a bronze fish. [Crowd is confused] I guess you heard that one.
• Sandy: I haven't heard it! Good one, SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Thank you, you're too kind. Hey, what about this water! I mean, the stuff's everywhere.
• Patrick: Tell the one about the squirrel and the light bulbs.
• SpongeBob: Uhh, hey, what about this thing! [takes out a big rubber chicken] Huh? Huh?
• Fish #5: Get on with the squirrel jokes! [Crowd chants for squirrel jokes]
• SpongeBob: [thinking] What do I do? Who do I do? SpongeBob, you've got a choice to make: [Looks at Sandy] your friends [Looks at his microphone] or your career.
• [After a beat, he drops the microphone and everyone gasps. He walks backstage then, after a beat, jumps back on stage with hillbilly teeth]
• SpongeBob: HOWDY, Y'ALL! [Crowd cheers loudly] How come it takes more than one squirrel to screw in a light bulb?
• All: Because they're so darn stupid!
• SpongeBob: [Laughs as he walks around tooting a bicycle horn] My people! [Sandy gets angry] But seriously folks, I want to give a special thanks to my friend, Sandy. [Spotlight on Sandy as the two women around her giggle] Sandy, don't you see? The crowd loves these jokes. [to audience] Am I right? [Crowd cheers; to Sandy] Don't you see, Sandy? We're laughing with you, not at you! Do you understand now, Sandy? Huh, do you?
• Sandy: [deadpan] I understand everything that's going on, SpongeBob.
• SpongeBob: Great. I knew sooner or later you'd get it. What a great sport. [to audience] Let's give a big hand for Sandy! But clap slow, because remember... SHE'S A SQUIRREL! [Crowd is cheering their loudest] Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience, and uhh, good night! [Walks backstage] Ah... another spectacular performance, SpongeBob. [Sees a note taped to his mirror] Oh, what's this, a fan letter? [Reads it]
• Sandy: [voiceover] You were right SpongeBob! Those jokes are funny! Come on over to the Treedome tomorrow and celebrate, Sandy.
• SpongeBob: You did it SpongeBob. You get to keep your career and your friends. [Scene cuts to SpongeBob walking up to the Treedome with his water helmet on and flowers in his hands. He knocks on the door as the water empties from the Treedome] I'm glad that Sandy can finally see the genius of my comedy. [Door opens] Good morning, Sandy.
• [He stares on; Sandy is dressed as a hillbilly with flies floating around her]
• Sandy: Well, hoooow-deeeeeee!
• SpongeBob: Sandy, are you feeling alright?
• Sandy: I'm just being my own au-naturally squirrelly self! [Licks her teeth with her tongue. SpongeBob laughs nervously] Well come on in! Y'all must be tired from telling them funny jokes all the time. Why don't you take a load off! [Pushes him onto a log with glue on it]
• SpongeBob: Uhh, Sandy, I think something's wrong with this seat.
• Sandy: Naw, [Holds up a brush and a bucket of glue] I just done put glue on it so you wouldn't fall off. [Gasps and grabs the flowers that SpongeBob was holding] Are them flowers for me? You even done got me a vase! [Takes SpongeBob's water helmet off his head]
• SpongeBob: But Sandy, that, that's not a... [Sandy places the flowers in the water helmet]
• Sandy: Ain't that purdy?
• SpongeBob: [already dried out] Sandy, I need wa...
• Sandy: Oh, that's right. Youse a sea critter. Now what was that thing that sea critters need? Umm, uhh... let's see, uhh... [A big lump in her throat wiggles up and down] Sea critters need, uhh...
• SpongeBob: Wa...
• Sandy: Oh wait, don't tell me. I know this one!
• SpongeBob: Wa...
• Sandy: Wa...llet? Watch? Waffles?
• SpongeBob: [hoarsely] Sandy! Water!
• Sandy: Well, why didn't you just say so! [Puts the end of a hose in SpongeBob's mouth] Yup, a squirrel sure is stupid. [Connects the other end of the hose to a pipe then turns it on. SpongeBob enlarges as more water enters into him]
• SpongeBob: Sandy!
• Sandy: Dumb, dumb, dumb, squirrels is dumb.
• SpongeBob: Okay Sandy, I get it!
• Sandy: What's that? You want more? [Connects to the end of the hose to a bigger pipe and turns it on] Okey-dokey! More water for the sea-critter! [SpongeBob is still enlarging]
• SpongeBob: Ok Sandy, Ok! I get it! [SpongeBob is filled up every inch of the Treedome] No more squirrel jokes. [Scene cuts to the Komedy Krab where the crowd is chanting for SpongeBob again] Thank you, thank you very much. Well, on my way over here, I ran into a squirrel. [winks at Sandy. cut to Patrick show his happily exciting smile, Sandy blinks with a smirk] And I said, 'Hey, why don't you go get a couple of squirrel friends and we'll go change a light bulb.' [Crowd laughs] But seriously folks, the only thing dumber than a squirrel is a sponge! [Crowd is silent] I mean, we're so dumb, we don't even have a vertebrae! [Twists himself] Look at me! I got no bones!
• Fish #6: That's true. [Crowd laughs]
• SpongeBob: Crabs? Oh brother. They're so cheap, they can't even pay attention!
• Mr. Krabs: [Laughs] It's true, I am cheap!
• SpongeBob: Now let me tell you about those fish? Boy are they smelly. Whoo-hoo! I mean how can a creature that spends so much time in the water smell so bad? I mean, really! [Imitates a fish] Soap... soap... what is... soap? [Crowd laughs more. SpongeBob and Sandy give each other a thumbs-up as the scene cuts to an outside view of the Krusty Krab] And don't even get me started on starfish!