"Squilliam Returns" is a SpongeBob SquarePants episode from season three. In this episode, Squidward tries to convince Squilliam that he owns a five star restaurant.
On his lunch break, Squidward encounters Squilliam Fancyson with a group of his fans. Squilliam asks Squidward what he has "accomplished" since high school, Squidward, panicking, tells him that he owns a five-star restaurant. Squilliam tells Squidward that he and his friends will come to his restaurant that night, and Squidward is very shocked. He begs Mr. Krabs to let him have control of the Krusty Krab for the day, and when he explains that Squilliam's coming, Mr. Krabs accepts because he knows that Squilliam has money (though, this is only faintly implied).
Squidward attempts to train his employees to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant, including Patrick, who thought that he was joining the corps and is given the job of collecting the hats. SpongeBob, who doesn't yet know how a waiter workers, is the waiter, and Mr. Krabs, who says he once served on the S.S. Gourmet, is the chef. However, things do not go well; Patrick is beating up the hat rack because it won't "give" him its hat, Mr. Krabs makes terrible food and says that he worked as a janitor on the Gourmet and was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea, and SpongeBob can't handle the copy of "How To Become A Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes" that Squidward gave him. Squidward tells SpongeBob to clear his mind of "everything that doesn't have to do with fine dining and breathing". SpongeBob's mind, which is metaphorically portrayed as an office, is operated by smaller SpongeBobs. Their boss's assistant tells them that he's just got an order: Dump everything that isn't about fine dining. They begin to get rid of (most of) all documents, which represent SpongeBob's knowledge, until SpongeBob just stares into empty space and doesn't respond to anything.
Squidward runs outside and bumps into Squilliam, who is just about to enter. They both go inside, and see that the Krusty Krab has been transformed into a very fancy five-star restaurant. After sending all the customers to their tables, SpongeBob tells Squidward that he did all of this, and that he has tied up Patrick and Mr. Krabs in the kitchen. After his meal, Squilliam admits that he is impressed and asks SpongeBob what his name is. However, SpongeBob cannot remember his name, having discarded it along with everything else, and inside his mind, all of the little SpongeBobs are trying to find his name, which ultimately results in his brain snapping in half. SpongeBob goes insane, mindlessly spilling food on patrons and grating the posteriors of others. Mr. Krabs and Patrick run out of the kitchen, still tied up, being chased down by the appetizer the former made earlier which has turned into a monster. With this, the fancy restaurant environment is destroyed and the Krusty Krab's true nature is revealed.
Squilliam finds out that Squidward actually is a cashier, humiliating him. However, Squilliam then "admits" that he's also a cashier too and that he lied about everything before revealing that he was just kidding and that he is "filthy stinkin' rich!" He and his crowd leave the restaurant to ride in his "balloon/casino," leaving Squidward dejected and defeated once again, but not before Mr. Krabs comes in and plays him a sad song in the World's Smallest Violin, which annoys him and makes him angrily yell "Would you get out of here?!" as the episode ends.
‣ Dingles Regatta
|( ‣ ) Associated production music|
|( • ) Original music|
|( ◦ ) SpongeBob music|
- Brian Peters [title card]
‣ Tomorrow the World - Cedric King-Palmer ["There will come a day when I will make something of my life..."]
‣ Dramatic Cue (e) - Ronald Hanmer [Squidward sees Squilliam]
‣ Comic Walk - Sidney Torch ["Oh, just succeeding in everything you failed in."]
‣ Danger Zone - Mike Sunderland ["Don't be intimidated, Squidward."]
‣ Vibe Sting - Nicolas Carr [picturing Squilliam in his underwear]
‣ Torn Apart - Mike Sunderland [everyone laughs]
‣ Dramatic Encounter - Gregor F. Narholz ["Tonight?"]
‣ Hawaiian Link (b) - Richard Myhill [exterior of Krusty Krab]
‣ Woe is Me! - Richard Myhill [Krabs playing violin]
‣ Up She Rises - Sam Spence ["All right, listen up."]
‣ The Plot Thickens - Dick Stephen Walter [Patrick beating up the hat rack]
‣ Space Critters A - Gregor F. Narholz [appetizer]
‣ It Came from Outer Space - Ilona Sekacz ["I can't do it, Squidward."]
‣ Mists of Illusion - Gilbert Vinter [Squidward tells SpongeBob to empty his mind]
‣ Metropolis - Jack Brown [inside SpongeBob's brain]
‣ Mists of Illusion - Gilbert Vinter ["How do you feel?"]
‣ Dramatic Cue (d) - Ronald Hanmer ["This isn't working!"]
‣ Glissando (c) - Skaila Kanga, Richard Myhill [harp music]
‣ Airs and Graces (a) - Paddy Kingsland ["Hommina, hommina, hommina..."/"Right this way, please."]
‣ Steel Sting - Jeremy Wakefield ["It worked! I can't believe it!"]
‣ Life Drifts By (a) - Paddy Kingsland [Squidward rubs it in]
‣ Mists of Illusion - Gilbert Vinter [SpongeBob can't remember his name]
‣ Dramatic Cue (g) - Ronald Hanmer [inside SpongeBob's brain]
‣ Sponge Monger - Sage Guyton, Jeremy Wakefield [SpongeBob goes crazy]
‣ Hawaiian Cocktail - Richard Myhill [Squidward admits he's a fraud]
‣ Woe is Me! - Richard Myhill [Krabs playing violin]
‣ Hawaiian Link (a) - Richard Myhill [Squidward sits]
‣ Woe is Me! - Richard Myhill [ending]
- As of September 10, 2018, The Internet Movie Database (IMDB) gives this episode a rating of 9.1/10 based on 418 ratings by users. TV.com users give this episode a rating of 8.8/10 based on 159 votes.
- This is the second appearance of Squilliam Fancyson (hence the episode's name), the first being "Band Geeks."
- This episode premiered in Canada on August 16, 2002.
- In the Bahasa Malaysia version of this episode, when SpongeBob greets the customer, he says "Your butt want to eat rice?"
- Fred is seen wearing the same clothes as SpongeBob (brown trousers, black belt, and a white shirt).
- This episode makes two references to its sister episode, "No Weenies Allowed." One is that Patrick acts like a "weenie," which is a reference to Weenie Hut Juniors, Super Weenie Hut Juniors, and Weenie Hut General. The other is that one of the things that is thrown out is "Spice Garden tips," which is a reference to the line "I'll have you know I stubbed my toe last week while watering my spice garden, and I only cried for twenty minutes."
- Four parts of this episode have become popular on YouTube: the first being Patrick saying "May I take your hat sir?," "hommina," "Oh no, he's hot!," and "T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?"
- Apparently, Patrick wants to join the military (the corps).
- When Mr. Krabs messes up the peas and the appetizer and Squidward interrogates him, the two speak as though Mr. Krabs had told Squidward that he was the "Head Chef" on the S.S. Gourmet. This is not true, as their first conversation regarding the S.S. Gourmet was Squidward merely asking Mr. Krabs if he had "once served" on it and then jumping to the conclusion that he had been the chef.
- Most of suitless Bikini Bottomites wear clothes in this episode.
- When Squidward asks SpongeBob how he transformed the Krusty Krab, Squidward addresses SpongeBob by name. SpongeBob replies as if he already knows his name. However, towards the end of the episode, when Squilliam asks him his name, SpongeBob's name is "thrown out" of his mind. This conundrum would put a major loophole in the entire storyline.
- When Squilliam "admits" he's a cashier, Mr. Krabs is seen wearing a tuxedo rather than the outfit he had worn throughout the episode. This also happens at the very end.
- Irony: When Squilliam asks SpongeBob for his name, Squidward could have simply said to Squilliam "His name is SpongeBob SquarePants" or just told SpongeBob what his name is, that way SpongeBob would not have destroyed the place. However, Squidward did not know that this would happen since he assumed SpongeBob was just joking.
- Another Irony: When the boss SpongeBob threatens to fire the other SpongeBob, he begs him not to because he has three kids yet he says that he doesn't pay him. This would be ironic because he is working to provide for his family yet he doesn't get paid.
- This episode premiered on Dee Snider's 47th birthday and two years after "Arrgh!" and "Rock Bottom" premiered.
- This episode was paired up with "The Thing" during the Massive Monster Mayhem Marathon.
- When Squidward encounters Squilliam, he only has a few friends with him, but when Squilliam says, "We should all come," he has a lot more friends.
- When Squidward turns his head over to Squilliam, he is coming to the left, but when Squidward puts his hat in the bin, Squilliam is to the right.
- When Squilliam arrives at Squidward's "five-star restaurant," it is sunset, but when he is eating his meal, it is nighttime, but at the end of the episode, after Squidward says, "Would you get out of here?!," it is daytime.
- When Mr. Krabs plays the world's smallest violin after the Krusty Krab reverts to its original self, his eye stalks are white instead of pale green.
- Squidward tries to imagine Squilliam in his underwear, but neither he nor Squilliam wear underwear or even pants for that matter.
- Judging by the width of the How to Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes book, it should take longer than 20 minutes to read this entire manual.
- Before Squilliam enters the restaurant, the windows of the Krusty Krab are visible, but inside, there is wallpaper covering the windows.
- The appetizer destroys the door to the kitchen, but it is shown to be intact at the end of the episode.
- SpongeBob knew nothing except for fine dining and breathing, but managed to tie and gag Mr. Krabs and Patrick.
- When Patrick and Mr. Krabs are bound and gagged in back, Mr. Krabs' legs aren't tied but his eyes are. However, when he comes from the kitchen, his eyes aren't tied and legs are.
- Mr. Krabs slides instead of walking at the end.
- Some of the people in Squilliam's group don't have bottom halves.
- Dish Network accidentally lists this episode as "Squillliam Returns," adding an extra L to the title.
- When Patrick and Mr. Krabs are bound and gagged in the back, Patrick has a rope tied around his forehead, but when he comes out, the rope is gone.
- When Mr. Krabs comes out from the back, he has no arms. It is unlikely that his hands were tied behind his back, because before that, it shows that SpongeBob tied his hands on his stomach.
- For the second time, on TV, the writers are Jay Lender, Sam Henderson, and Mark O'Hare, but on DVD, it reads Merriwether Williams instead of Mark O'Hare.
- SpongeBob is shown to forget his name, but after serving Squilliam, Squidward speaks to him as if he already knows his name.
- Mr. Krabs playing the world's smallest violin.
- This also became an internet meme.
- The conversation in SpongeBob's mind involving the boss and a worker ending with "No, please! I have three kids!" Has also become popular on the internet.
Squidward - Oh no, he's hot!