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Squidward in Clarinetland
Season №: 7
Episode №: 133b
Airdate: March 24, 2010
Previous: "The Curse of Bikini Bottom"
Next: "SpongeBob's Last Stand"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidward in Clarinetland" from season seven, which aired on March 24, 2010.

  • [a beautiful day in Bikini Bottom. car leaves and pieces of asphalt fly into Squidward's face]
  • Squidward: Ahh.. What a day!
  • [Squidward singing and enters the Krusty Krab and SpongeBob accidentally hits Squidward with the door]
  • SpongeBob: Good morning Krusty Krab! [notices Squidward] Oh.. Sorry Squidward! Didn't see ya there!
  • Squidward: [Still smiling] Not a problem SpongeBob, not a problem at all!
  • Mr. Krabs: Specials? We don't have specials! [Scratches the slateboard while people can't stand the screeching sound except Squidward]
  • Squidward: Good morning sir! Welcome to the Krusty Krab.
  • Thaddeus: Uh... I'll think I'll have a Krabby Patty.
  • [His bad breath punches Squidward, plugs his nose, and he is still happy]
  • Squidward: 1 Krabby Patty coming up!
  • Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, you're in a chipper mood this morning, did you get an order of fancy decorative soaps in the mail or somethin'?
  • Squidward: Even better, I have a clarinet recital immediately after work today! So ain't nothing gonna ruin my day.
  • [Nazz's baby accidentally squirts her milk from his bottle onto Squidward's clarinet box]
  • Nazz: Oh, terribly sorry, sir.
  • Squidward: No need! See? Not a drop!
  • [Nazz's baby drools onto Squidward's clarinet]
  • Squidward: [Finally snaps] Grr.. I can't take this any more!
  • Mr. Krabs: I told you, there's no early-bird special, now stop calling me here-- Mother!
  • Squidward: This is unacceptable!
  • Mr. Krabs: What?
  • Squidward: This! [points to his clarinet]
  • Mr. Krabs: Nice to have ya back Squidward.
  • Squidward: This is an outrage! I no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff!
  • Mr. Krabs: Hmm.. Okay, uhhh. I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese, no one's got near that in years.
  • Squidward: You ever read this? [Hands out a book]
  • Mr. Krabs: Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations? Eewww! Gross! [grows hives] Get that thing away from me! It's giving me hives!
  • Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.
  • Mr. Krabs: Gahh! Blast you Squidward! You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle something up for ya.
  • [patties sizzling]
  • SpongeBob: Yeah... Sizzle those juices.
  • [Krabs brings a rusty locker]
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh! Here we go! Found it!
  • SpongeBob: Wow, what is it?
  • [Spiders eat away SpongeBob's arm]
  • Mr. Krabs: It's me old navy locker. Good as new! [opens and shows bones of Corporal Sterling]
  • SpongeBob: Who is that Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: [as he empties the locker] uuhh.. Appears to be Corporal Sterling, lad. Heh...forgot all about that prank. [he empties the locker] Squidward! Your locker is ready!
  • SpongeBob: Ooh! Do we share our lockers like we share hairnets?
  • Squidward: Not at a whale's age.
  • Mr. Krabs: Now not so fast, Mr. Squidward, the law requires that all employees have a secure place for personal items. So you are required by law, to share.
  • Squidward: Ohh, I suppose I can share but only since it requires by law. Hey! This thing is filthy! You don't expect me to clean it?!
  • SpongeBob: [with a bucket of water and duster] No he doesn't! And I don't either!
  • [dusts the locker, Squidward and Krabs cough due to dust, opens door, absorbs the water and blasts it onto the locker, the locker looks good as new]
  • Mr. Krabs: Blimey! She hasn't sparkled like this since boot camp! Carry on boys.
  • Squidward: Impressive indeed. Just keep your grubby little hands to your side.
  • SpongeBob: You got it, Squidward. Finally I have a clean place to store my toothbrush.
  • Squidward: Just don't touch my clarinet!
  • SpongeBob: I promise nothing untoward will happen.
  • [Shuts locker. Rings bell]
  • Squidward: Order up, SpongeBob! [walk towards SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! What do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!
  • SpongeBob: I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?
  • Squidward: Velvet..
  • SpongeBob: Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please!
  • [SpongeBob comes in with a load of appliances]
  • Squidward: And here's your change, mam.
  • Squidward: What is that idiot doing now?! [throws change on ground]
  • Customer: Loose change! [People starts collect as Mr. Krabs bursts out and yells like a gorilla to scare them away]
  • Squidward: I hope you're not trying to shove the boxes into that locker!
  • SpongeBob: Too late! it's already done.
  • Squidward: If you smashed my clarinet-- so help me, Neptune-- I will [opens locker]
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry Squidward there's plenty of room!
  • [Squidward walks inside the locker room]
  • SpongeBob: I... expanded a bit.
  • Squidward: Well it's all fine and dandy, but where's my clarinet?
  • SpongeBob: Well, that's simple
  • SpongeBob: We just simply consult the card catalog and find.. Squidward's Clarinet drawer 36●8-B [opens cabinet and reveals Squidward's clarinet]
  • SpongeBob: See?
  • Squidward: Fine. but remember, It's vitally important that nothing happens to it
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry buddy! [slams drawer shut]
  • SpongeBob: You're in good hands.
  • [Squidward places order onto Scooter's table when appliance noises come from the locker. Squidward checks the locker]
  • Squidward: What's he doing?!
  • Customer 2: May I order please?
  • Squidward: Alright what do you want? [appliance noise]
  • Customer 2: I'll Have- [jackhammer running]
  • Customer 2: Is everything OK back there?
  • Squidward: Yeah, Just a bit of a... renovation. [saw noises gets louder, locker flips]
  • Squidward: [freaking out] My clarinet! SpongeBob! [opens locker door and reveals a grand locker room]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?
  • Squidward: There. 36●8-B
  • Squidward : [gasps] a note?!
  • SpongeBob: Item has temporarily moved during reconstruction. Relocated to shelf 1018●2-E.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?!
  • Squidward: 1018●2-E.
  • Squidward: Another note?!
  • SpongeBob: Oops! Did I say 1018●2-E? I meant 2019●3-F! Sorry!
  • Squidward: SpongeBob?! SpongeBob?!
  • [SpongeBob laughing and running]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, Wait!
  • Squidward: What have you done to my- [ends up in the corner, discovers a small hole and crawls in]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob I do not play games.
  • [Opens the curtain. Finding himself in a forest of clarinets]
  • Squidward: [gasps] Where am I? What is this place?
  • [A clarinet jumping in front of him and escapes in SpongeBob's hands]
  • Squidward: Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come Back! Where are you? Sponge-
  • [bumps into an eagle head]
  • Eagle: I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.
  • Squidward: uuhh.. I'm.. trying to find my clarinet.
  • Eagle: Your clarinet?
  • Squidward: Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.
  • [Eagle laughs]
  • Eagle: A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?
  • Squidward: You calling me a liar?!
  • [Eagle grabs Squidward with his tongue]
  • Eagle: I don't appreciate your tone.
  • Squidward: I'm sorry I-I-I didn't mean to offend you.
  • Eagle: This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.
  • Squidward: [Eagle squeezed squidward tightly] I've learned.. [loosely] I've learned respect...
  • Eagle: I don't believe you.
  • [Swallows Squidward and Squidward ends up in the stomach, sees SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: Stand still you idiot!
  • Squidward: I got you now!
  • [grabs SpongeBob and falls in a strange room, SpongeBob disappeared]
  • Squidward: ha ha! Wha the- SpongeBob? SpongeBob?!
  • [SpongeBob laughs hanging down from a hole, as SpongeBob disappears, it vanishes. The Squidward in the 2 mirrors gets his clarinet and shoves it in the mouth, playing a high pitched note Squidward can't stand.. Chases SpongeBob on a clarinet and falls into a hole and is sent into a pinball machine]
  • Patrick: I win! I win!
  • [Grabs Squidward]
  • Patrick: Hey.. What are you doing here?
  • Squidward: You tell me what in the wide world of sports is this place? And how did you get so big?
  • Patrick: Must be all the pressure.
  • Squidward: What are talking about?
  • Patrick: It must be... The pressure.
  • [Ground shakes]
  • Patrick: I gotta get outta here!
  • Squidward: Where are you going you imbecile?!
  • [Patrick runs and Squidward gets sucked in the vacuum and explodes into space where Squidward chases SpongeBob in space]
  • Squidward: Almost... Gotcha!
  • [Crashes, locker opens and Squidward melts]
  • Mr. Krabs: [laughing] I just sweet talked an old lady out of $20 for a Krabby Patty! [laughs]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, are you okay?
  • Squidward: [Mutters] -Such a nightmare!
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, what are you trying to say buddy?
  • Squidward: [coughs] I tried to get my clarinet in there... [sobs] Impossible!
  • SpongeBob: Clari-- Oh! You mean this! [hands out clarinet]
  • Squidward: Where did you get that?!
  • SpongeBob: Well, with all the ruckus you were making over it, I kept it with me, Just to make sure it was safe.
  • Squidward: Grrr...
  • SpongeBob: Call it a friendly gesture!
  • Squidward: I'll show you a friendly gesture! Do you know the horror I've endured?! [throws SpongeBob into the locker] Let's see how you like it! [locks it, tugs it out and on to a bus going to Far Far Away]
  • Squidward: Ahh!
  • [Clarinet Auditions]
  • Judge: Are you ready, Mr. Squidward?
  • Squidward: Yes, yes I am; as a matter of fact, you wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get- [SpongeBob appears]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here.
  • Squidward: [screams] [he runs out]
  • SpongeBob: Hmm.. I was just going to bring his clarinet.

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