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Squidward's School for Grown-Ups
Season №: 8
Episode №: 157a
Airdate: June 4, 2011
Previous: "Frozen Face-Off"
Next: "Oral Report"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squidward's School for Grown-Ups" from season eight, which aired on June 4, 2011.

  • [SpongeBob and Patrick going out of their houses]
  • SpongeBob: Good morning, Patrick!
  • Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick going out of their houses]
  • SpongeBob: Good morning, Patrick!
  • Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: You ready for some fun old pal?
  • Patrick: I sure am old buddy!
  • SpongeBob: Hey, here comes fun now! [Notices a fish driving down the street]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: [takes a deep breath] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! [Continues screaming then starts flopping on the ground still screaming. Then they both laugh]
  • SpongeBob: Wow! Doesn't get any better than that!
  • Patrick: Yeah! I love boat screaming! Oh! Oh! Hey! Hey! Here comes another one!
  • [Notices another boat with Pilar and Shelly driving down the street]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: AHHHHHHHHH! [The boat passes by them]
  • SpongeBob: Here comes another one! [Notices Nat driving down the street]
  • Patrick: AHHHHHHHHHH! [He and SpongeBob scream as Harold drives on by as well. Then they notice Frank driving a really small car]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Ahhhhh... [Notice Archie driving a scooter and their faces get smaller] ahh... [Notice Plankton on a unicycle] ah...
  • Plankton: Morons!
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: [Notices Nazz] Heeeee... [Their heads explode] AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Notices Larry the Lobster driving down the street and they continue screaming as Patrick smashes SpongeBob around. They notice a bus and they both scream through megaphones until Squidward appears]
  • Squidward: [From his window] Would you two mind stopping with your baby games!? Didn't anybody tell you it's the break of dawn!?
  • SpongeBob: Oh, good morning Squidward! Yeah, Patrick here told me.
  • Squidward: When are you two gonna grow up?
  • Patrick: How do you play that?
  • SpongeBob: Oh!? Maybe Squidward can come down and teach us how to play it! That will be real fun won't it Patrick? [Notices Patrick has fallen asleep. He scratches himself with his leg while he is sleeping. Then SpongeBob notices another boat] AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh... [Falls down] It just not the same without Patrick playing along too. [Taps Patrick who still is sleeping] Alright Patrick, you leave me no choice. [Pinches Patrick and he wakes up]
  • Patrick: Ow! [Turns around with something fuzzy on his face] What's the big idea!?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! You have a beard!
  • Patrick: I do? [Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick walking]
  • SpongeBob: You sure look grown-up with that new beard!
  • Patrick: Wow! You really think so? [Squidward appears behind him]
  • Squidward: And everybody knows that grown-ups never play with kids! And on that note, I would like to personally commend the sea star for taking his first baby steps into the adult world! Facial hair is a good start I suppose.
  • Patrick: I am curious to know what mature people, like Squidward, do. Won't you show me?
  • Squidward: Show you?
  • Patrick: Show me! Show me! Oh please, please, please! Pretty please! Pretty please!
  • Squidward: [Sighs] I know I'm going to regret this... Alright! I will take on this mission!
  • Patrick: Hooray!
  • Squidward: In the hopes that a quiet, grown-up neighborhood will prevail at last. Moving me one step closer to peace and blissy tranquility. A place where I can-
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
  • Squidward: What?
  • SpongeBob: May I tag along and observe your instruction?
  • Squidward: Why in a million years will I let you tag along?
  • SpongeBob: Because some of your instructions in maturity will rub off on me! Bringing us TWO steps closer to a quiet, grown-up neighborhood!
  • Squidward: Wow, that actually makes sense. It must be working already!
  • SpongeBob: Is that a yes?
  • Squidward: [Mumbles] Okay.
  • [Cuts to Squidward's house]
  • Squidward: Let me escort you to my place my good sir! We need to start with personal grooming for your grown-up makeover!
  • Patrick: [Stretches pants] Sounds good to me!
  • Squidward: We may have to find you clothes as well.
  • Patrick: New clothes?
  • Squidward: To go along with your new beard which makes you look very distinguished!
  • Patrick: Distinguished?
  • SpongeBob: [Holds up hand] Alright! Distinguished!
  • Patrick: [Also holds up hand] Yeah!
  • Squidward: [Grabs their hands] Excuse me! Grown-ups do not high-five!
  • Patrick: Oh, right!
  • [Squidward and Patrick enter Squidward's house leaving SpongeBob outside]
  • SpongeBob: [Laughs] We do do da do do de! [Enters Squidward's house]
  • [Squidward is measuring Patrick's weight size and ties a red ribbon around his neck in a bow, Patrick does the same with a green ribbon and ties it in a bow on his head. SpongeBob then is behind Patrick wearing "fancy" clothes]
  • SpongeBob: So um, what do you guys think? Sweet duds huh Patrick?
  • Patrick: Heh heh, sure are!
  • Squidward: Ahem!
  • Patrick: For a baby!
  • Squidward: Well played Patrick! Well played... [He and Patrick walk off]
  • [Cuts to the Bikini Bottom Men's Club with Patrick and Squidward walking up to Thaddeus]
  • Thaddeus: May I take your hat and cane sir?
  • Patrick: Why certainly. [Gives him his hat and cane]
  • Thaddeus: Enjoy your evening, gentlemen.
  • SpongeBob: [Slides in and starts humming a tune and dancing then enters the Men's Club. Squidward mumbles something]
  • [Cuts to Squidward and Patrick sitting down being served]
  • Waiter: Appetizers. [Holds up a plate showing some food]
  • SpongeBob: Oh boy! Eats! [Jumps up and sits on the floor] Yum! Yum! Yum!
  • Waiter: And we also have [Holds up another plate showing milk and cookies] Milk and cookies. [Gives it to SpongeBob who then starts to eat it]
  • Patrick: Oh! Are those chocolate chip cookies? Can I have-
  • Squidward: Patrick! I'm sure you'd rather have some tetrazzini we grown-ups ordered, right?
  • Patrick: Duh, yeah Squidward. I'm frankly shocked they serve such elementary fare here.
  • Squidward: Indeed...
  • [Cuts to the Art Museum]
  • Squidward: And my personal favorite piece is [Shows them a statue of a fish on a man's body] this lovely statue from the Reef-aissance Era-
  • Patrick: Boring!
  • Squidward: Boring!?
  • Patrick: Oh, ah no. I said flooring! The flooring compliments the artwork here exquisitely!
  • Squidward: Yeah... yes I suppose it does... [Notices SpongeBob on the shield of the statue laughing] SpongeBob! Get down from there right now!
  • SpongeBob: [Takes a picture and falls off] DOH! [Lands on a picture leaving his imprint on it] Don't worry you guys! I'm okay! Really! I'm okay! [Notices paint on his hand then on his back then looks at the ruined painting. Backs up to the painting and touches it with his back] There! Good as ne- ah! [Tries to wipe it off but only makes it worse. He then lifts up the wall and hides the painting under there. He then draws a picture on paper and puts it on the empty space]All fixed you guys! [The picture falls off]
  • Patrick: Security! [Two bouncers take SpongeBob out of the Museum]
  • SpongeBob: Please be gentle! [The Bouncers leave] Heh, that's weird [One of the bouncers comes back]I thought I was gonna get tossed out on my... [Gets kicked by the bouncer] AHHHHHHHHH! [Lands on the ground and notices Squidward and Patrick walking along]
  • Squidward: Patrick Star, I am very proud of you for what you did in there! You know that beard is the best thing that has ever happened to you! Well, other than me of course. Heh...
  • SpongeBob: Beard... I must remove that beard! [Takes out a razor] Remove beard! Restore friendship! [Takes off after them]
  • Squidward: And that's what I told them look I wanted to... [Notices SpongeBob tackle down Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: [On top of Patrick gripping his beard]That's it! It must be done!
  • Squidward: [Grabs SpongeBob's arm] SpongeBob! The only thing that must be done is cutting the cord with you!
  • SpongeBob: No please!
  • Squidward: Look Mr. BabyPants [Drops SpongeBob] it's gladly clear you learned nothing today on how to be mature!
  • SpongeBob: But-
  • Squidward: No buts! We are through entertaining your company! Shall we?
  • Patrick: Let's shall! [They both leave]
  • SpongeBob: [Teary-eyed] Patrick, don't leave me! [Falls backwards]
  • Patrick: [Panting and sweating as he and Squidward go up stairs] Why are they so many stairs!?
  • Squidward: You only gone up three stairs! [Camera zooms out showing they only walked a few steps]
  • Patrick: It feels like four.
  • Squidward: We are about to enter the pinnacle of grown-up culture here in Bikini Bottom! Also known as: The Famed Bikini Bottom Opera House! [The Opera House is show and Squidward has his arms out looking at Patrick]
  • Patrick: What?
  • Squidward: Nothing, let's find our seats. [Inside the Opera House on the higher stands]
  • Patrick: Hey, alright! Box seats! Uh, I mean: This seat choice is most mature! Certainly more so than that rapscallion Sponge whose name we shall not mention will picked!
  • Squidward: Certainly
  • [The curtain opens with a male opera singer opening the show]
  • Patrick: A most exemplary performance!
  • Squidward: Oh! Oh! It gets even more thrilling from here!
  • [The curtain rises and this time SpongeBob appears in a female opera clothes]
  • Squidward: What the?!
  • Patrick: She's beautiful!
  • SpongeBob: [Takes out a note and reads it] There's once, was a man, from Nantucket. [The crowd gasps] Sorry, wrong one! AHEM! ♪Dear friend, don't say that over! As long as I breathe, I will cherish our bond!♪
  • Squidward: Terrible!
  • SpongeBob: ♪Dear friend, don't say that it is all over! My heart bounces on rocks, jagged and gray! Dear friend, don't that it is all over! Let's stay pals! What do! You say?♪
  • Patrick: [Starts crying and his "beard" starts to move]
  • Sea Urchin: Hey! How's a sea urchin is suppose to get any sleep with all of these salty tears falling on him!? I gotta get out of you! [Gets off of Patrick's face and jumps away going through the crowd] Excuse me! Coming through! Eh watch it mister! [In front of SpongeBob] Say lady? How do I get outta this joint!?
  • SpongeBob: Exit stage left is that away!
  • Sea Urchin: Thanks, cutie! Nice hat! [Leaves]
  • Patrick: Hey! Stop that beard!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! It's not a beard! It's a sea urchin! It must've been sleeping on your face until your tears woke it from its hibernation.
  • Patrick: How do you know my name!?
  • SpongeBob: Because Mr. Patrick Star... [Takes off hat] You told me.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! [Hugs him]
  • Patrick: Oh, please! You can call me Patrick!
  • [The crowd cheers for SpongeBob and Patrick until they are interrupted by Squidward]
  • Squidward: Quiet! Hold it! Stop it right there! I am ashamed and disgusted by you people! I mean don't you know what terrible performance when you see it!?
  • Fish: Yes! We do!
  • Squidward: That's what I thought you-[Gets hit in the face by a tomato] No! No! No! I didn't mean it like that! It was-[Gets hit by many fruit and vegetables]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: [Laughing] Food fight!
  • [The episode ends with SpongeBob, Patrick, and the crowd throwing food]

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