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Transcript Information [edit]
Season №: 8
Episode №: 173a
Airdate: April 11, 2012
Previous: "Glove World R.I.P."
Next: "Demolition Doofus"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squiditis" from season eight, which aired on April 11, 2012.

  • [episode starts in a field with the clams flying. Squidward is shown to have two clouds with a rainbow over his head, bordered by many jellyfish]
  • Squidward: My, what a beautiful day it is outside. [scene switches to Krusty Krab] Too bad I'm cooped up here in the Krusty Krab.
  • SpongeBob: Who are you talking to Squidward?
  • Squidward: Just where I always seem to be on a nice sunny day.
  • SpongeBob: Look at it this way Squidward: Things could always be worse.
  • Squidward: Worse? How?
  • SpongeBob: Well, uh...
  • [fish walks by and sneezes all over a Krabby Patty]
  • SpongeBob: could be sick.
  • Squidward: Sick? Is that really a "worse"?
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] Being sick is awful! The aches, the running nose, and the fever are bad enough. That's not even the worst part.
  • Squidward: Oh, really.
  • SpongeBob: No. The worst part is missing a glorious shift here at the Krusty Krab.
  • [the words "Krusty Krab" ring in Squidward's head]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward. Squidward. Squidward!
  • Squidward: Huh? Oh, SpongeBob. I'm suddenly not feeling very well. [inadequately coughs]
  • SpongeBob: What's the matter?
  • Squidward: Uh, well. Let's see. Uh. I got a scratchy throat and, uh, [sticks out tongue] dry mouth, and my, uh, eyes are itchy. [scratches left eye vigorously]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, what could it be?
  • Squidward: I'm not sure. But I feel I might be coming down with a dreaded illness.
  • SpongeBob: Ah! What is the name of this horrible illness?
  • Squidward: Name? Oh, uh. Per, swees, swer, square, uh, squid's disease.
  • SpongeBob: What?
  • Squidward: Squid's disease.
  • SpongeBob: What?
  • Squidward: Squid's disease!
  • SpongeBob: Uh, Squidward. I think the disease is affecting your temper.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob. [camera pans to find SpongeBob hiding behind three pillows] What are you doing back there?
  • SpongeBob: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Squidward, but I think the best thing for someone in your condition would be to [gulps] go home and not come back until you're fully recovered.
  • Squidward: Well, SpongeBob. I think you're probably right.
  • SpongeBob: [sniffles] I'm so sorry, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Well, I, I better go break the news to Mr. Krabs. [inadequately coughs again]
  • Mr. Krabs: You're sick?!
  • Squidward: [inadequately coughs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, you don't look any sicker than you usually do. You know what. I'm better give you the old navy whatsoever just to be sure.
  • Squidward: The what?
  • [Mr. Krabs lifts Squidward's nose]
  • Mr. Krabs: Now open wide.
  • [Squidward opens mouth]
  • Mr. Krabs: [pulls out tongue] Tongue looks fine. [lets it go, opens left eyelid] Eyes, check. [knocks on Squidward's forehead]
  • Squidward: Ow!
  • Mr. Krabs: Forehead feels normal. [lifts two of Squidward's legs] Now let's see those kneecaps. [hits kneecaps, causing Squidward's legs to bend upward and then back downward] Reflexes are a little slow. But I'd expect that from you.
  • Squidward: Wonderful.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward, in my expert opinion, you look fit as a fiddle.
  • Squidward: But Mr. Krabs...
  • Mr. Krabs: [slams fist on desk] Mr. Krabs nothing.
  • Squidward: But I...
  • Mr. Krabs: [slams fist on desk again] Mr. Krabs nothing!
  • Squidward: But...
  • Mr. Krabs: [slams fist on desk again] Mr. Krabs nothing! Just go ahead. I'm gonna keep sayin' it.
  • Squidward: But the customers. You don't want them to get sick, do you?
  • Mr. Krabs: No. And I don't want them to get hungry either. [pushes Squidward out of office] Now step to it, Mr. Squidward. Oh yeah, and get well soon. [laughs and shuts door]
  • Squidward: [sighs. fish speak among each other in cash register line]
  • Squidward: [takes bill from fish] SpongeBob, would you bring that order to table 3, please.
  • SpongeBob: Right away, Squidward.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob. [SpongeBob halts] Turn around, please.
  • SpongeBob: [turns around and appears to be wearing a gas mask] Yes.
  • Squidward: And just what is that supposed to be?
  • SpongeBob: Oh this. It's a number 2: Krabby Patty with cheese, medium drink...
  • Squidward: Not that. The thing on your face.
  • SpongeBob: [points to gas mask] Oh this.
  • Squidward: Yes.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, this is a precautionary measure in case anyone in the workplace happens to fall ill, which in this case you have. I wear it to protect my body from spreading germs and bacterias.
  • Squidward: [appears in front of SpongeBob. lets out breath] Hiiii, SpoooongeBooooob.
  • SpongeBob: Hello, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Could I see that?
  • SpongeBob: Um, actually no.
  • Squidward: Because I find this all so very inte... [sneezes into nose of mask] ...resting.
  • [SpongeBob takes off mask, screams, and runs into Mr. Krabs' office]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: Neptune's Knee-highs, lad! How many times do I have to remind you to knock?!
  • SpongeBob: [knocks on door while speaking] Mis...ter...Krabs.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's better. Now what can I do you for?
  • SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He's sick.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's funny. You're the second person today whose told me that.
  • SpongeBob: Who was the first?
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward. But I checked out that slimy green cashier personally, and if he's sick, then I'm the next mayor of Marbleway Mountain. That doesn't sound like a bad gig actually.
  • SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, you have to believe me. Squidward's got a horrible disease called Squid's Disease! Scratchy throat, itchy eyes, dry mouth, fevers, and boils, and missed workdays!
  • Fish: One Krabby Patty, please.
  • Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, got a minute?
  • Squidward: Oh, of course. It's not like I'm busy working or anything.
  • Mr. Krabs: [leans in] We've got a situation with the kid. Something's got him spooked.
  • [SpongeBob is shown holding his nose and mouth tightly]
  • Mr. Krabs: He can't cook in this condition. No cooking, no patties. No patties, no money.
  • Squidward: And you're telling me this, why?
  • Mr. Krabs: I need you to make yourself scarce for a while.
  • Squidward: So, you're telling me to go home?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't care where you go, just as long as you get outta here!
  • Squidward: Yippee! Thank you, Mr. Krabs! I mean [inadequately coughs]
  • SpongeBob: Poor Squidward.
  • [in the kitchen]
  • SpongeBob: My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is... [scratches right eye] My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is... [scratches eye once again] That's funny. My eyes feel itchy. [pause, coughs] And my throat feels scratchy, too. [laughs, drops spatula worriedly] Itchy eyes, scratchy throat... [rubs tongue only for smoke to come off and gasps, hoarsely] even my mouth feels dry! [normal] I've contracted... Squid's Disease! [yells]
  • Mr. Krabs: [barges into kitchen] SpongeBob, everything all right in here?
  • SpongeBob: Everything's fine, captain. Just a little howl for pleasure.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well how about a little less pleasure and a little more work. [shuts door]
  • SpongeBob: [to self] If Mr. Krabs finds out I have the Squid's Disease, he'll send me home, just like Squidward. Wait a second! That's it! Why go home when I have Grandma's down home folk remedies right here. [fills pot with water] Grandma always said: If you might be coming down with an illness, just stick your feet in hot water. [places feet into water] Or was it cold water? [places feet into ice. shivers] Something tells me it wwwasssnn't thhaat either. Of course. It wasn't hot water or cold water! It was boiling oil. [places feet into fry boiler] Uh huh. I can definitely feel the medicinal qualities. [takes feet out and they appear to be fried] Oh no!
  • Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! You sure everything's alright?
  • SpongeBob: [places feet and legs back into boiling oil] Yes, everything's fine in here. [Mr. Krabs shuts door] Just dandy. [takes feet and legs back out] I better conceal these unslightly blemishes or Mr. Krabs will get suspicious. [smears liquid onto right leg] This super hot spicy yellow mustard should do the trick. No, actually that burns real bad. [worriedly] Stay calm. Just need to cool it off. Cucumber! Cucumber will cool it off! We'll just need to find some— [holds up pickle jar] pickles! Pickles, they're like cucumbers. Sweet relief, here I come. [pours all the juice and the pickles onto legs, sigh of relief turns into loud screams of pain] Sweet vinegar, it burns! It burns! It burns! [crashes into trash bin and mop. rolls into more trash bins. customers listen to racket]
  • Frankie Billy: You guys hear what's going on?
  • Harold: Yes, and I'm very puzzled.
  • Nat Peterson: So am I, in fact, I might be a little concerned.
  • Harold: Well, I don't know I'd go that far.
  • [SpongeBob comes out of kitchen with trash covering him; crawls in front of Frankie Billy, Harold, and Nat Peterson and then lies on side]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry, I think I might be coming down with something.
  • Harold: Coming down with something?
  • Nat: I refuse to be served by a sick fry cook.
  • Harold: Me too. Let's get outta here!
  • Frankie Billy: Good idea!
  • [fish banter while two other fish march out of restaurant]
  • Mr. Krabs [gasps] Me customers! [looks at SpongeBob lying on back now and gasps] You look terrible.
  • SpongeBob: Thank you, Mr. Krabs. [coughs]
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, I can't just stand by while me restaurant becomes a breeding ground for infection. SpongeBob, go home. That's an order!
  • SpongeBob: But who's going to run the restaurant?
  • Mr. Krabs: [chuckles] Who's gonna run it? I could run this place blindfolded with one claw tied behind me back. I'll show ya.
  • [scene cuts to Squidward's house]
  • Squidward: [appears to be resting on a chair with the radio on. sighs] Who thought that having an illness could feel so good? [drinks beverage]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. [Squidward spits out drinks]
  • Squidward: Oh, no. What happened to you?
  • SpongeBob: I... fell ill. Mr. Krabs won't let me work again until I'm better. Well, at least we can spend the day recovering together. After all, misery loves company. Right Squidward? [coughs. Squidward appears to have disappeared] Squidward?
  • [inside Squidward's house]
  • Squidward: Well, so much for enjoying the great outdoors. But at least I can relax and enjoy [sighs] some afternoon tea.
  • SpongeBob: That seems like a great idea, Squidward.
  • Squidward: [drops tea and screams] SpongeBob, what have I told you about coming into my house?
  • SpongeBob: I figured I can't make you well, Squidward, but I can at least make you comfortable. I brought hot compresses, tissues, the good kind with snail butter, and even a romantic comedy for us to watch. I know they're supposed to funny, but they always make me cry.
  • [in the Krusty Krab, the customers are in a riot]
  • Mr. Krabs: 25 Krabby Patties! [leaps into kitchen and sprints out with Krabby Patties. throws food randomly] Order up! Order up!
  • Henry: Hey, I didn't order a table patty. [Krabby Patty appears to be splattered on table]
  • Shubie: Yeah, and a window patty.
  • Fish 3: Or a face patty! I want a refund!
  • [fish start riot yelling refund. in Squidward's house]
  • Television: Female: I love you. Male: I know. [both engage in laughing]
  • SpongeBob: [seen crying and blows into tissue] Wasn't that great, Squidward?
  • Squidward: Oh yeah howdy. That's too bad it had to end. Finally.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, don't worry. We have all 99 sequels to watch next.
  • Squidward: Oh would you look at that. I'm suddenly feeling much better. I think I'm going back to work now, bye. [rushes out house back to work being followed by SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, Squidward wait. Squidward, you're not well enough to return to work. I can't let you.
  • Squidward: Please just stop. Stop following me.
  • SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
  • SpongeBob and Squidward: [both gasps] Mr. Krabs?
  • Mr. Krabs: [appears to be lying on ground with mustard and buns covering him] I told you. I could run this place all by myself. Blindfolded with one claw tied behind me back.
  • SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs, what are you doing here lying on the floor?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, SpongeBob, funny you should ask. Because in me expert medical opinion, I think I may be coming down with a nasty case of Squid's Disease.
  • SpongeBob: Squid's Disease? I know just the cure! [holds up romantic comedy disk]
  • Mr. Krabs: Romantic Comedy, The Movie? No! [crawls away] Ah! Get that thing away from me!

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