Squid Wood/transcript

Template:EpisodeTr/79b

• Squidward: [sighs happily] I love waking up to my own circadian rhythm without the aid of an alarm clock. [notices SpongeBob standing next to his bed]
• SpongeBob: Morning, Squidward. I waited for you to stop sleeping like you asked. So, you got any plans for the day, Squidward? [SpongeBob is spit out of the island head, into the air] Okay, Squidward, I'll catch ya later. [cut to Squidward planting. Right before he puts in a plant, he sees SpongeBob's face in the hole] Hi, Squidward, wanna play?
• Squidward: No, and leave me alone! [puts the plant in the whole, covering SpongeBob's face. Then a flower springs from the ground with SpongeBob's face on it]
• SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, see ya later. [cut to Squidward in front of a canvas]
• Squidward: Ah, the blank canvas. Infinite possibilities. All of the colors of the known and unknown universe hiding on my palate. The artist approaches, ready to create. [right before he begins to paint, SpongeBob's face appears on the canvas]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to play? [Squidward paints a giant red 'NO' on the canvas] Okay, Squidward, see ya later. [cut to Squidward in his library]
• Squidward: [sighs] Perhaps I can find solitude in the printed word. [Opens book and SpongeBob jumps out]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, want to play? [Squidward shuts book, with SpongeBob in it, and puts it back on the shelf. muffled] Okay, Squidward, see ya later. [cut to Squidward in his bathtub while playing with his nose and scatting. He notices SpongeBob watching him from his window and screams] Hi, Squidward, want to play hide-and-seek?
• Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, you hide first. [closes the curtain] Oh, no, where'd he go? I guess he wins. [laughs] Defeat has never tasted so sweet. [phone rings] Yello? [SpongeBob's mouth pops through the receiver into his ear]
• SpongeBob: How 'bout a game of Hangman?
• Squidward: How 'bout a game of hang up? [hangs up phone] Well, I guess this brings an end to my luxuriating. [as he walks out of the bathtub, he is sprayed in the face with mud. SpongeBob is drilling into his bathroom]
• SpongeBob: How about Duck, Duck, Hermit Krab? Hopscotch? Squidward Says? Steal The Bacon? Sleeping Sea Lions? Sharks & Minnows? Sink The Submarine? Kings & Queens? Mahjong? [Squidward is beginning to fume so he picks up SpongeBob and shakes him] Whoa, I've never played this game before. What's it called?
• Squidward: It's called, "I will never play with you... ever!" [throws SpongeBob in a hole and moves the refrigerator over it] "That scoundrel!!!!!!!!!"
• SpongeBob: Something tells me Squidward doesn't want to play today. That's it. If I can't play with the real Squidward... [jumps out of hole] I'll just make one of my own! [fridge falls on top of Squidward, squishing him. He squirms out from under it and sees SpongeBob running back to his house]
• Squidward: I think that moron finally gets it! I don't want to see or hear him for the... [pneumatic tools whirring and grinding are heard from SpongeBob's house. Squidward walks over to his house] SpongeBob! Will you make that racket stop?! SpongeBob, you open this door right this... [door opens and knocks Squidward down]
• Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward. [Squidward screams and hides behind a bush] Squidward! It's me, Mini Squid!
• Squidward: What are you doing, SpongeBob?
• Mini Squid: Hello, Squidward.
• Squidward: What manner of annoying scheme is this?
• SpongeBob: Just say hello to him, Squidward. You know how sensitive he is.
• Squidward: Hi. Now, SpongeBob, what the...?
• SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, he prefers to be addressed by his full name.
• Squidward: [sighs] Hello, Squidward.
• Mini Squid: Wondrous weather we're having, eh, Squidward, old pal?
• Squidward: SpongeBob, what is the meaning of this?
• Mini Squid: SpongeBob made a replacement you: me. So when you you don't want to play, SpongeBob will play with me-you.
• Squidward: So, you'll be filling in for me when SpongeBob wants to play one of his stupid games?
• Mini Squid: Yeah.
• Squidward: Oh, Thank you, thank you, thank you! [kisses Mini Squid then runs off laughing hysterically] Woo-hoo-hoo! [pole vaults through his house window. SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mini Squid sitting next to SpongeBob's Pineapple playing charades]
• Mini Squid: Three words. Movie title. [gasps] "12 Angry Jellyfish".
• SpongeBob: How does he do it? Right again, Squiddy. You little charades master, you.
• Patrick: [to Mini Squid] Squidward, you look a little different. Wow. Have you been working out?
• SpongeBob: Actually, Patrick, this is...
• Patrick: D'oh, hold it, SpongeBob. Ooh, I know. You shaved your beard. [SpongeBob and Mini Squid look at each other. Scene cuts to Squidward working at the Krusty Krab serving krabby patties to a couple]
• Squidward: Alright now, who has the Krabby Patty and who has the krabby patty? [The customers are silent and look irritated] See... 'cause... they're both... krabby. [SpongeBob and Mini Squid walk in]
• SpongeBob: Good one, Mini Squid! You are always such a ray of sunshine. Are you ready for another fabulous day of work at the Krusty Krab?
• Mini Squid: Of course, I am. I love to work!
• Male Fish #1: Who is that little fellow with SpongeBob?
• Female Fish: I don't know, but isn't he handsome?
• Male Fish #1: Yeah, he is handsome. [Squidward starts mumbling] Ahem.
• Squidward: Oh, sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
• Male Fish #1: No. I don't like your attitude, bub. Is this what the Krusty Krab calls friendly service? [Mini Squid pops up from under the cash register]
• Mini Squid: Sorry, sir. Can I take your order?
• Male Fish #1: Now that's more like it. Finally, a server with a good attitude.
• Mini Squid: Well, thank you very much.
• Male Fish #1: I'll take eight dozen of your finest patties, please. But don't let old chowder pants over there touch them. He might taint the patties.
• Squidward: Fine then. Do my work for me. [puts his hat on Mini Squid's head and walks away]
• Squidward: I'm starting to like this Mini Squid doing my work, keeping SpongeBob off my back. I could get used to this.
• SpongeBob: Order up, Mini Squid!
• Mini Squid: Okay, SpongeBob. Always happy to help. [laughs]
• SpongeBob: Okay, pal! [flips six patties on Mini Squid's plate] Go get em', tiger! [Mini Squid walks over to the customers]
• Mini Squid: Okay, who ordered the Krabby Patty, and who ordered the Krabby Patty? [both fish laugh]
• Squidward: What the...? That's my joke!
• Male Fish #1: Wow, honey, this new Mini Squid is such a card!
• Female Fish: And a great waiter, dear.
• Male Fish #1: Yeah. You're right. So much better than that old, lousy, larger-scale Squidward. [Squidward mumbles angrily]
• Female Fish: Yeah! Bring that little fella over here and let me give him a $300 dollar tip! [shows $300]
• Squidward: What? All right, all right! That's enough! My break is finished. [walks behind cash register]
• Squidward: Oh boy! Back to work!
• Mr. Krabs: Hold on a second, there.
• Squidward: Oh, Mr. Krabs.
• Mr. Krabs: Uh... Squidward, me cephalopod, I'm sorry to tell you this -- well not that sorry -- the customers prefer the new smaller Squidward to you. And so do I! 'Cause he's making me some bucks. So I'm changing your job to busboy, effective immediately. [hands Squidward dirty dishes] Now pipe down and watch how it's done.
• Mini Squid: Hey, everybody! I'm Squidward and I love to dance.
• Male Fish #2: I, for one, love to watch people dance while I eat. Who's with me? Who wants Mini Squidward to dance for our amusement? [everyone cheers]
• Mini Squid: Well, gosh, okay. [SpongeBob changes Mini Squid into a purple aerobics outfit. Mini Squid starts dancing when the music starts. Some customers dance the same thing Mini Squid and SpongeBob are dancing]
• Squidward: What's the big deal? Those are all my moves! [dances the same moves but no one is impressed]
• Fred: [gasps] Talk about no talent.
• Male Fish #3: Maybe Squidward should get sized-reduction surgery so he'll dance better! [everyone laughs]
• Squidward: That Mini Squid. [Mini Squid continues to dance and plays the clarinet to everyone's amazement]
• Mini Squid: Everybody dance! [everyone dances. Music stops and Mini Squid takes a bow]
• Squidward: That was awful! [all cheer for Mini Squid and Squidward begins to fume]
• Squidward: He stole my jokes. He stole my job. He stole my standing ovation! You little wooden fiend. Stop stealing my life! [does bodily harm to Mini Squid before an agent shows up]
• Talent Agent: Stop, stop! Don't gnaw on the head of my new client, please? You don't know what you're doing. Are you mad? Have mercy!
• Squidward: Wait a minute. I've seen you before. You're that music agent that represents my favorite clarinet player.
• Talent Agent: Salutations! I'm Milo J. Finkerfish: manager for "Curly Bubbles Records".
• Squidward: You mean you're here to sign me up for a record deal?
• Talent Agent: The answer to that question is a big N-O. [points to Mini Squid] However, this guy here is woo-hoo woo-hoo good! We're offering him a million dollar contract with a sequin suit.
• Squidward: [gasps] A sequin suit?! That's what you're supposed to offer me! Why take a cheep knock off when you can have the original. [plays a lively tune on his clarinet and dances]
• Squidward: Now, where do I sign? [Milo laughs]
• Talent Agent: Yeah, right, kid! [takes Mini Squid]
• SpongeBob: Well, Mini Squid, I guess this is it. We've had some good times playing charades and dancing around like two giddy butterflies! [laughs] Remember?
• Mini Squid: Yep, those were the days.
• SpongeBob: I guess it's time for you to move on, huh? Onto greener pastures. Arrivederci, mon frere.
• Talent Agent: Alright, kid, let's go become a sensation. Oh, and I'll see you at the Clammy Awards. Oh no, I guess I won't. [laughs]
• SpongeBob: Bye-bye! What's the matter, actual-size Squidward?
• Squidward: My dreams are crushed. But, hey, at least I won't see that Mini Squid ever again!
• SpongeBob: Yeah, I have something even better! [takes out a mini SpongeBob] Another me! [Mini Sponge and SpongeBob laugh back and forth while Squidward's eye twitches]