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"Squid Defense" (transcript)

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Transcript Information
S09E05B-Squid-Defense-Titlecard
General
Season №: 9
Episode №: 183b
Airdate: January 1, 2013
Chronology
Previous: "Eek, an Urchin!"
Next: "Jailbreak!"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Defense" from season nine, which aired on January 1, 2013.

  • [episode starts with Squidward walking out of the bathroom holding a newspaper]
  • SpongeBob: Hiii...yah! [karate chops Squidward in the stomach] Squidward! Sorry, buddy, didn't see you. Are you okay?
  • Squidward: [holding leg in pain; moans] What kind of unforeseen yet completely predictable stupidity have you ruined my day with this time?
  • SpongeBob: Oh. I'm just practicing my [chops with hand] karate chops. I'm going to have [takes off karate glove] an intense karate session with Sandy later. Sandy says you never know what creepy creeper could be creeping creepingly around any creepy corner.
  • Squidward: Paranoid much?
  • SpongeBob: [spooked] Hiyah! [chops Squidward in the torso again] Sorry, Squidward! I thought you were one of those creepy creepers. You know, Squidward, you really should know how to protect yourself. Maybe you like to join us.
  • Squidward: Well...no. I have more important things to do.
  • SpongeBob: Okey dokey, Squidward! Stop on by later if you change your mind about the karate.
  • Squidward: [pushes SpongeBob] I won't. [walks out of the Krusty Krab and scene changes to him walking in town with groceries. He then walks down a dark alley then turns around notcing something] Uh...hello? Is somebody there? [spots a large figure in the distance] Um...hello? It's consired rude not to answer! [the figure walks closer to him. He starts to act nervous] Hah...whatta got? Cotton in your earholes? [laughs nervously as the figure gets even more closer to him] I gotta get outta here! [starts to run away then walks face-first into a low ladder then falls on the ground and drops the groceries. Notices the figure stare at him then he gets up and runs to SpongeBob's house] SPONGEBOB!!! [starts banging on his door as the scene changes over to SpongeBob and Gary]
  • SpongeBob: [watching television with Gary and they both are laughing] Oh wait, I don't get it.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob!  SpongeBob! Open up! [the door opens and he falls on his face]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? 
  • Squidward: Hurry SpongeBob! [pushes SpongeBob inside and closes the door]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward? What's wrong?
  • Squidward: You were rrrright!
  • SpongeBob: I was? About what?
  • Squidward: About the danger that lurks around every corner! [Screams as a shadow roars at him]
  • SpongeBob: Um, Squidward? [Gary is shown] It's just Gary.
  • Gary: [looking at the television] Meow meow meow meow meow!
  • SpongeBob: Hey I should've named you "Scary" eh buddy?
  • Gary: (Laughs) Meow merow merow merow! [crawls away]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, this is serious! I was just viciously attacked!
  • SpongeBob: (gasps) No!
  • Squidward: You gotta teach me SpongeBob! Teach me the way! The way of tarate.
  • SpongeBob: Eh, don't you mean "karate?"
  • Squidward: Um...sure. Whatever.
  • [bubble transition to Squidward and SpongeBob who is in his karate gear]
  • SpongeBob: [walking around Squidward] Hmm...hmm! Hmm...yes! You show potential young student! [grabs Squidward's arm] But with an rubbery arm and the doginess in this area [pokes Squidward's belly], you obiviously have our work cut out for us.
  • Squidward: Can't we just get on with this SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: See see ba ba!
  • Squidward: Sigh...I mean can't get just get on with this "O' Great Sensei?"
  • SpongeBob: Play close attention and you will receive the totailty of my karate mastery! Handed down from Sensei Cheeks herself. Now watch! Watch and learn. [walks over to a piece of wood and karate chops it the force breaks him in half]
  • Squidward: Uh huh. What else you got?
  • SpongeBob: That's it.
  • Squidward: That's it!? THAT'S the "totality" of your karate mastery?
  • SpongeBob Half 1: Well, Squidward. I've only been studying a couple of years. But if total karate knowledge is what you seek...
  • SpongeBob Half 2: ...then you should visit Sensei Cheeks!
  • SpongeBob Half 1: Hey! I was just going to say that!
  • SpongeBob Half 2: I know! [They both laugh]
  • Squidward: Oh boy...
  • [karate chop transition to Sandy's Treedome]
  • Sandy: I don't know SpongeBob. [grabs Squidward's arm] With the rubbery arms and doeyness in this area [pokes Squidward's belly], we obviously-
  • Squidward: -Alright already! We've been through this! Are you going to teach me how to get revenge on my attacker or what!?
  • Sandy: Woah, oh, oh! Karate ain't for revenge. It's a delicate art that helps you protect yourself!
  • Squidward: Yeah, fine.
  • Sandy: Great! Now repeat after me: HIYAH!!! [karate chops]
  • SpongeBob: HIYAH!!! [also karate chops]
  • Squidward: Oh...whatever. Hiyah...
  • Sandy: "I promise not to use karate only for protection and not for revenge." 
  • Squidward: "I promise not to use karate only for protection and not for revenge." Or whatever...
  • SpongeBob: "I promise not to use karate only for protection and now for revenge." (laughs loudly)
  • Squidward: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I AM ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • [karate chop transition to SpongeBob, Sandy, and Squidward near a wooden board]
  • Sandy: Ok then! Let's get started with a little choppin'! Like so. HIYAH!!! [karate chops the board in half and SpongeBob as well']
  • SpongeBob: Woah!
  • Squidward: A board? I wasn't attacked by a piece of wood! I was assaulted by a deranged lunatic!
  • Sandy: The only way to protect yourself is if you know the basics. Now give it a chop! 
  • Squidward: Sigh...whatever you say Sensei...
  • SpongeBob: This is a tough one Squidward. Don't feel bad if you can't do it.
  • Squidward: I'm sure I can break one little twig! Hiiii-YAH!!! [karate chops the board but it doesn't break. the force makes him shake and moves back on the treedome wall and he breaks apart on the ground].
  • [karate chop transition to Sandy]
  • Sandy: Arms up Squidward! Block! BLOCK! [Squidward gets hit back acrons thrown by SpongeBob] Block! BLOCK! 
  • Squidward: Arg! This is stupid! The only thing this manic threw at me were his big, meaty fists! [raises his hands up but SpongeBob continues to throw acorns at him. Then he throws a acorn at SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: [blocks the acorn with his elbow] BLOCK!
  • Sandy: Now that's how you do it!
  • Squidward: Dimwits luck! [gets hit by another acorn]
  • [karate chop transition to the tree of them near a sandbag]
  • SpongeBob: Come on Squiddy! Give it the ol' roundhouse! 
  • Squidward: Alright...[moves backwards] HIYAH!!! [kicks the sandbag but gets stuck to it and starts to get smacked over and over and is thrown in front of Sandy] This isn't working! [walks back toward the sandbag] My assultant was twice as tall! And shoulders were twenty times as broad! The burrows of his brow with the size as biceps!
  • Sandy: Hmm...we're gotta make this more personal for you Squidward. So is to help you bring out your inner dragon! SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob[jumps in wearing a ski mask] Hey! Grocery boy! It is me! A big, scary miscreant! Now hand over that sack of groceries before things get ugly!
  • Squidward: Groceries? You'll have to pull my groceries from my cold, wet tentacles bucko! Take this! Hiyah! [tries to karate chop SpongeBob but his arm gets stuck to his helment] Huh? Think that's going to stop me!? You're not getting me without a fight! HIYAH! [tries to kick SpongeBob but his feet retract and get stuck to his helment as well. He starts moving around on the ground getting more and more tangled] Got you...right where...I want you! [moves around again becoming fully tangled] Vengeance...is...MINE!!!
  • Sandy: Vengeance? Squidward Tentacles, I told ya at the beginning that karate ain't for revenge! Sorry Squidward. As of now, I ain't your sensei no more! [walks off]
  • Squidward: Sandy! Wait! [tries to move] I need you to teach...Sigh...this is pointless. I'll never be able to protect myself. I may as well start handing my groceries to criminals. Here! Please Mr. Criminal! Take my unprocessed kelp feed!
  • SpongeBob: Sandy! Wait! Please! Help him! He just want to keep his organic, blue algie safe.
  • Sandy: He's going to use my teachings for revenge SpongeBob.
  • Squidward: Please Sandy! I'll do anything! 
  • Sandy: Oh really? Well Squidward, a wise sensei once told me: [takes out a mop] "One must first know the movements of everyday, to master ka-rah-tay!
  • [karate chop transition to a short montage with Squidward first mopping in Sandy's house. He then tries to turn on a vaccum but doesn't turn on. He kicks it and it finally turns on and starts to clean up making the place spotless]
  • Squidward: Phew! All finished!
  • Sandy: Wow! It looks great!
  • SpongeBob: [to Squidward] Psst! You missed a spot!
  • [Squidward growls and a karate transition to him with water hoses tied to him spraying the grass]
  • Sandy: Alright! I reckon that yard is good and watered!
  • SpongeBob: Psst! You missed a spot!
  • [Squidward mumbles angrily as a karate chop transition to him shoveling the ground]
  • Squidward: Phew! [grabs the bucket of acorns and pours them into the hole he dug up]
  • Sandy: Atta boy Squiddy! [On a beach chair next to SpongeBob] Be sure to twist that torso!
  • SpongeBob: Hey Sandy? [streatches] I don't remember this being a part of my training.
  • Sandy: It wasn't! But today is chore day! So I'd figured why not fry two fish in one skillet! [she and SpongeBob laugh]
  • Squidward: That's it! I am outta here! This is a no good waste of my time! [rams his foot onto a bucket of acorns and they start to fly toward him. He blocks them all away] Hey! I'm doing it! I'm blocking the acorns!
  • Sandy: Ye-HAAA!!! I told y'all had to do is know the movements of everyday to master karate!
  • Squidward: Hah hah! I can't believe I did it!
  • SpongeBob: [holding a wooden board] YEAH YEAH! Now try this!
  • Squidward: Ok! Ok! Hee-YAH!!! [chops the wooden board and SpongeBob in half] Hah hah hah! Oh, I did it! [starts running then jumps] Hee-YAH!!! [kicks the Slug Buddy punching bag destroying it] I can protect my groceries now! Hee-YAH!!! [kicks SpongeBob toward the glass wall and breaks him apart. SpongeBob holds a thumbs up] I am a karate master! WOO HOO HOO! 
  • Sandy: Well, I wouldn't go that far. But you have proven yourself worthy of...[takes out a belt]...the Belt of Basic Competence!
  • Squidward: Yeah yeah, that's great, thanks. But I have some business to attend to! [walks off and a karate chop transition to him walking down a dark alley] Heh heh heh...What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! [walks down further into the alley] This time!
  • Man: Hey! You! [starts walking toward Squidward]
  • Squidward: Let me give him a taste! A mere morcial of what's in store! [karate chops] Hee-YAH! [kicks] HEE-YAH! [flips] Hiyah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! [the man walks closer] Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! [the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily] Ok buddy, I warned ya! [near a trash can] I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hee-YAH!!! [kicks the trash can toward the man]
  • Man: What? [gets hit on the head by the trash can] OW!
  • Squidward: Hah! Hah! How do you like them apples? YAH!!! [punches a crate at the man]
  • Man: Ow! OW! 
  • Squidward: [holding two wooden planks] Hah! Feel my wrath! [throws them] How's your uncle!
  • Man: [gets hit on the head by one of the planks] Ow! [the other hits him on the stomach] Ow!
  • Squidward: My finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! Hee-YAH!!! [spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]
  • Man: Oh...hey, man! Wha-wha-what was that for? [holding Squidward's groceries] I was trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!
  • Squidward: [takes the groceries] Uh, oh. 
  • SpongeBob: Sandy! I found him! He's over here! [holding the belt] You forgot your belt silly! [looks at the man and gasps]
  • Sandy: Gosh! What happened to you?
  • SpongeBob: This guy's been.... ka-rah-tayed!
  • Sandy: After all I'd said about never using karate for revenge.
  • SpongeBob: For shame, Squidward. For shame.
  • Sandy: Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. [takes the belt] Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you Squidward [walks off with SpongeBob].
  • Squidward: Whatever! I'm still a karate master!
  • Officer John: Wow, really? You are? [walks Squidward to the policecar]
  • Squidward: Yes I am!
  • Officer John: Hey watch your head. [Squidward gets into the policecar. Then John gets into it] Oh, I never guess it.
  • Squidward: And what is that suppose to mean?
  • Officer John: Oh, uh nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doeyness in the midsection...
  • Squidward: Ok already! I get it! [notices the hand cuffs on him] What? Wait a second! Am I under arrest?
  • Officer John: You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent! [Squidward screams loudly] Or not silent...[drives off, and the episode ends]

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