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"Spon... Spo... Spo...!"
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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid Baby" from season 9, which aired on September 3, 2012.
(Squidward is listening to the radio)
Squidward: Barnicles!
(Spongebob and Patrick are playing with baby toys)
Patrick: How do like that, baby?
(Spongebob Laughs)
Spongebob: Oh Yeah. Well, how about this, baby?
(Spongebob and Patrick laugh)
Squidward: Question. Are you 2 acting more imprentile than normal?
Spongebob: Aw huh. I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them.
(Squidward pulls down blinds)
Spongebob: Hey! I found my old teddy walrus! This really brings me back.
(Spongebob hugs teddy walrus)
(Patrick sucks on pacifier)
Patrick: Yeah. I fell baby-ish. Look at me I'm a baby.
(Sucks on thumb)
Spongebob: Babies don't talk like that Patrick. They talk like...
(Spongebob and Patrick make baby sounds)
(Spongebob plays xylophone)
(Patrick plays with ring toss)
(Spongebob plays with mallet and whistle)
(Patrick still plays with ring toss)
(Spongebob and Patrick are both playing with baby toys)
(Squidward gets angry)
(Squidward walks out of his house naked)
Squidward: Just as the essentail oils were kicking in.
(Spongebob and Patrick play on a scooter)
Squidward: Hey! I'd appreciate some peace and quiet.
(Spongebob and Patrick scoot away)
Squidward: How dare you scoot away from me. I'm scolding here.
(Spongebob and Patrick play with Jack-in-the-Box)
Squidward: Would you 2 for once. Act your age!
(Head from Jack-in-the-Box pops out)
(Spongebob and Patrick cry)
Squidward: Fine! Act like infanture hold-ups. See if I care. I'm returning to my adult lifestyle. So keep it down!
(Squidward slips on toy boatmobile)
(Squidward gets head stuck in scooter)
(Squidward crashes into his mailbox)
Spongebob and Patrick: Squidward!
(Squidward's head sweals up)
Patrick: He's mumbling and drolling like a little baby
Spongebob: He's isn't looking so good. We should take him to a doctor. Come on let's take him to the hospital.
Patrick: Hang in there buddy we'll fix you up in no time.
(Spongebob and Patrick carry Squidward to the hospital)
Dr. Forrest: Hmmm?
Spongebob: What's the probnosis doctor?
Dr. Forrest: your friend has a condition known by the medical term Head-go-boom-boom-idis. Not to worry though he recover over normaly over time, but he musn't recieve any more blows to the head or he may stay this way permenetly. Just care for his as he was you own bouncy baby boy and he will be fine in no time.
(Bubbles appear then showing Spongebob's house)
Patrick: Hey little Squidward. Ready to have some fun.
(Throws Squidward up to ceiling)
Spongebob: Ok Squidie din din is ready. Where is our little miricle?
(Shows Squidward stuck in ceiling)
Spongebob: Patrick how could you!
(Spongebob climbs up Patrick)
(Spongebob pulls Squidward out of ceiling)
Spongebob: There! My little darling. Were supposed to protect his head remember.
(Crashes top of high chair to Squidward's face)
Spongebob: Ok Squidie I made your favorite. Grilled Tar Tar with a algae thin of bread.
(Spongebob puts food on Squidward's high chair)
Spongebob: Here it comes, open wide.
(Squidward rejects food)
Spongebob: Come on liitle buddy you got to grow up to be big and crankie like the airplane in the hanger.
(Spongebob forces Squidward to eat)
Spongebob: See Patrick you sometimes you have to out-think the baby
(Squidward spits food at Spongebob)
(Squidward throws plate)
Spongebob: You know Patrick maybe...
(Patrick licks food off of Spongebob)
Patrick: Thanks for sharing baby
Spongebob: Ok. Time to lighten things up. Do you like games Squidie.
Patrick: Games? Games are our middle name.
(Spongebob and Patrick play kelpy cake)
(Squidward claps)
Spongebob: You like that Squidie?
Patrick: He does
(Spongebob and Patrick try to get Squidward to play Kelpy Cake)
(Squidward slaps Spongebob and Patrick)
(Squidward throws Spongebob and Patrick up)
Spongebob: This game's kinda dangerous
(Squidward crawls out door)
Spongebob and Patrick: Squidward!
(Truck goes towards Squidward)
(Truck driver falls asleep)
Spongebob and Patrick: Squidie. No!
Patrick: Don't worry. I got this.
(Patrick lifts pavement)
(Truck flies away)
(Patrick sets down pavement)
Spongebob: Horray. Huh. Squidward!
(Patrick lifts pavement)
Spongebob: Squidie are you ok
(Spongebob grabs Squidward)
(Patrick sets down pavement)
Spongebob: We need to do a better job of protecting him
(Truck crashes into Squidward's house)
(Spongebob and Patrick put Squidward in a cage)
(Squidward cries)
Spongebob: There, there now nothing to cry about
(Spongebob puts Squidward out of cage)
(Spongebob tries to calm Squidward down)
Patrick: Don't worry he'll be settled down in couple of minutes
(Spongebob and Patrick try to calm down Squidward)
(72 hours later time card appears)
Mr. Krabs: It's 1 minute till opening time. Where are my employeries. I don't pay them to be late.
(Spongebob, Patrick and Squidward appear)
Patrick: Taking care of a baby sure is hard
SpongeBob: You said it! I'm exhausted! Hey, Patrick. I have to go to work. Would you mind holding Squidw....
(Patrick falls asleep)
SpongeBob: I guess it's just you and me, little fella.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, Squidward, where have you two been?! You're late for work!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties.
(SpongeBob turns around to show Mr. Krabs that Squidward is a baby)
(Squidward makes baby noises)
SpongeBob: Poor guy has the mind of an infant.
Mr. Krabs: I don't care if you're a seaweed-for-brains. He needs to be behind that register. We've got customers out there just begging to hand me their money.
(Shows customers outside begging to come in with their money).
SpongeBob: But...
Mr. Krabs: No buts! Get to work, you two
(SpongeBob slams into the table and Squidward flies into his work station)
SpongeBob: All settled into your work station, I see. Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all! Now let's make it official!
(SpongeBob hands Squidward a hat, which he rejects)
SpongeBob: Oh, how silly of me!
(SpongeBob grabs a high chair and picks up Squidward)
SpongeBob: Squiddy needs a high chair!
(SpongeBob puts the high chair near the register and puts Squidward in it)
(Squidward bangs his head on the cash register)
SpongeBob: And duct tape!
(SpongeBob duct-tapes Squidward to the chair and puts his hat on)
SpongeBob: Oh, Squiddy! I'm so proud of you! Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me! And look at you now, working and sitting in a big boy seat!
(SpongeBob's eyes get full of tears)
Mr. Krabs: All right! That's enough, you two. Time to serve some customers!
(Customers race in to order)
SpongeBob: Remember, buddy! I'll be right behind you!
Billy: Can I get a Krabby Patty with extra kelp?
(Squidward makes baby noises and hits his head with a rattle)
Billy: OK, How much do I owe ya?
(Squidward drools and sucks on Billy's hand)
(SpongeBob peeks his head out the kitchen window)
SpongeBob: Squidward! That's not for eating!
(SpongeBob takes a napkin and polishes Billy's hand)
SpongeBob: There we go. Good as newww!
(Squidward sucks on Billy's head)
SpongeBob: That's not for eating either!
(SpongeBob takes Squidward off Billy's head)
SpongeBob: Sorry, sir.
Mr. Krabs: Hop to it, lads. We haven't even taken our first order!
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Mr. Krabs.
(SpongeBob hands Squidward a pencil and pad of paper)
SpongeBob: You know what to do.
(Squidward grabs the pencil and paper and laughs, throwing the papers into the kitchen)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Squiddy. I can also count on yaa...
(SpongeBob notices that Squidward doodled on the pieces of paper)
SpongeBob: Will this be for here or to go?
(SpongeBob peeks out the kitchen window, where Squidward is laughing and tossing the papers around)
SpongeBob: You really need to work on your penmanship, Squiddy.
(Squidward laughs and doodles on Nat's face)
Nat: My face! My face! Also my leg. But mostly my face!
Pilar: Hey! Are you going to take an order or what?
(Squidward opens the register, hits his head and cries)
SpongeBob: Squidward! Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You oughta be ashamed!
Pilar: Listen, man! I'm done playing these baby games!
(Pilar notices the stench of Squidward's rotten diaper)
Pilar: Oh, my Neptune!
(Squidward continues to cry and notices his stinky diaper)
Customers: What is that? What is it?
Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is going on he...... Whoa! Mr. Squidward!
(Squidward bangs his head)
Mr. Krabs: Where are your manners?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, watch his head!
Mr. Krabs: Watch his head? Why don't you watch his diaper?
(SpongeBob notices Squidward's stinky diaper)
Mr. Krabs: And get it changed!
SpongeBob: Yes, sir! Yes, sir!
(SpongeBob goes to a table to change the diaper, where customers are eating)
SpongeBob: Oh.
Fred: We're eating here!
SpongeBob: Sorry!
(SpongeBob tries to change Squidward on the floor)
Customer: Hey, I'm trying to walk here!
SpongeBob: Sorry!
(SpongeBob tries to change Squidward near the condiments)
Suzy Fish: Hey, I was gonna get ketchup there!
SpongeBob: Sorry!
(SpongeBob takes Squidward to the cash register to change him)
SpongeBob: Ok, Squiddy! Hold still! And, oh, boy!
Mr. Krabs: Are you out of your ever-living mind?! We can't change that baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared.
(Customers get disgusted and leave)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that's it! Get that poopy baby out of me restaurant!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then i'm not staying either!
(SpongeBob slips on Squidward's baby rattle and ends up in the kitchen, where he bangs Squidward's head on the frying pans and ice machine)
(Ice ends up on Squidward's head)
SpongeBob (gasps): Squidward!
(Squidward turns back to normal)
Squidward: What the? Where am I? What's going on?
SpongeBob: Phew. Squidward, you're back to your normal grown-up self.
Squidward: Of course I'm grown up! Why wouldn't I be?!
(Squidward notices he's wearing a diaper)
Squidward: Am I wearing a diaper?
SpongeBob: Yes.
Squidward: Is it full? (looks inside diaper) Aah!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward! I was going to change you, but I got distract...
(Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth)
Squidward: Shhh! Not another word about this! Ever!
SpongeBob: Kids, they grow up so fast. Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, let me tell you something. YOU'RE FIRED! Spongebob: What the...? Why? Mr. Krabs: You said that if your poopy baby is not welcome, you're not staying. Spongebob: I did say that. (Spongebob's eyes fill with tears) Didn't I? Mr. Krabs: I'm afraid so. Spongebob: (runs out of the Krusty Krab crying) Mr. Krabs: Yeah, run out like a crying poopy baby! (walks in the Krusty Krab and slams the door)