[Squidward has blond hair and is playing the clarinet while the crowd is cheering for him]
Tina-Fran: Squidward, we love you!
Audience Member #2: I love you, Squidward. You're my favorite! [Squidward laughs as he does a crowd surf. His alarm goes off and wakes him up]
Squidward: Alright, alright. Time for another hideous day at work. Ahh, just hang in there, gorgeous. [Plays a few notes on his clarinet] Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow. [laughs]
SpongeBob: Time for another glorious day at work. [winks at his tie, tie winks back] Good morning, Squidward! [walks down the street with Squidward] And isn't it a lovely morning? Why are you playing the clarinet on your way to work?
Squidward: I'm practicing for my clarinet recital. Soon, all of Bikini Bottom will recognize the talent that is Squidward Tentacles. Goodbye, SpongeBoob.
SpongeBob: See ya at the Krusty Krab, Squidward. Hey, Sandy, what's this?
Sandy: Well, this here is my new matter transporter. It can move things from one place to another in the blink of an eye.
SpongeBob: Ooh, that sounds fancy.
Sandy: Let me show you how it works. [puts an apple in the transporter]
SpongeBob: Whoa! [apple disappears] Where'd it go?
Sandy: Just where you think it would be. [apple appears on Mrs. Puff's desk]
Mrs. Puff: Oh!
SpongeBob: Uh-oh, I'm late for work. Do you think your machine can zap me over to the Krusty Krab?
Sandy: I always did want to try a critter. Sure, why not? Get in there, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Whoo-hoo! [goes into transporter]
Sandy: Hold on tight.
SpongeBob:[transporter starts] Gee, Sandy, this sure feels...
Squidward:[walking up to the Krusty Krab] Well, here we go again. [as he reaches for the door, SpongeBob appears and Squidward's arm is attached through SpongeBob's body]
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! [laughs. Sandy's remote is going haywire]
Sandy: What's going on with this thing? [SpongeBob and Squidward get transported back to Sandy's machine] What in tarnation? [gasps. SpongeBob and Squidward are mutated into one body]
SpongeBob: Hi, Sandy.
Squidward: I'm not sure what it is but I something seems different about me.
SpongeBob: Yeah, me too.
Squidward: Hey, what are you doing with my hand? What am I doing with your hand? Ahh! What is this? We're all mixed up together. [tries to detach himself, but fails] This is horrible. I have my clarinet recital tomorrow.
SpongeBob: Oh, it's not so bad, Squidward. Now we can be best buddies and do everything together, forever.
Squidward:[screams] Sandy, was this your doing? You've got to get us separated.
Sandy: Well, I wish I knew how.
Squidward: Well, you have to do something. I can't stay stuck to him.
Sandy: Hmmm, I wonder what would happen if I tried zapping you back in the transporter.
Squidward: Uhh, yeah, yeah, yeah, good idea. Let's try it.
Sandy: Well, here goes nothing. [transports to Bikini Bottom Elementary]
Mable: All right, children. Today's Timmy's birthday. You know what that means. Ready Timmy? [opens present. SpongeBob and Squidward rise up from the box, still mutated together. Mable screams as SpongeBob and Squidward get transported again]
Doctor: Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You gave birth to a healthy baby boy.
Mrs. Smith: May I see my baby?
Doctor: Of course. [baby appears as SpongeBob & Squidward mutated into one body again. Mrs. Smith screams as they are transported again]
One-Eyed Monster: I've been in love with you ever since I first laid my eye on you. [both monsters kiss. SpongeBob and Squidward appear between them] Hey baby, what's your name? [SpongeBob & Squidward get transported again. The lady monster slaps the one-eyed monster face and leaves]
Squidward: It's no use, Sandy. We're still the same.
Sandy: Well, that's a darn shame. You know what, I was working on the blueprints for a new invention. But it's still in the embryonic stage.
Squidward: Try anything! I cannot go to my clarinet recital like this.
Sandy: I'll continue working on it. In the meantime, you boys keep your head up.
SpongeBob: Together forever.
Squidward: Misery. [later, SpongeBob and Squidward are riding a bike to work] SpongeBob, hasn't anyone taught you how to ride a bike?
SpongeBob: Don't worry, I'll drive.
Squidward:[Squidward's head bumps against the wheel of the bike] Ow, ow, ow. SpongeBob! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. [both enter the Krusty Krab riding the bike. The bike crashes into the boat and they fly through the kitchen window]
Customer #1: I gotta lay off the hot sauce.
Mr. Krabs:[enters kitchen] What in blazes is going on in here?
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: What are you two doing laying around? Get to work.
Squidward: If you say so. [as they stand up, Mr. Krabs freaks out]
Mr. Krabs: Egad. What happened to ya? Uhh, I don't want to know. Just go do your jobs.
SpongeBob: Aye aye, cap'n.
Squidward: Do you have to be such an accommodating buffoon?
SpongeBob: Squidward, everybody knows I'm a sponge. I look nothing like a balloon.
Squidward: I don't have time for this. I've got to man the cash register. [stretches his head through the kitchen window] Whew. Can I help you?
Customer #2: Can I get two Krabby Patties, please?
Squidward: SpongeBob, I need two Krabby Patties.
SpongeBob: Two Krabby Patties coming right up. [notices the buns are out of reach] Can't... reach the buns.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what's the hold up?!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I'm on it.
Mr. Krabs: Time is money, boy.
SpongeBob: Time is money. Right. [reaches bun] Hello bun. At last we meet. [Squidward can't hold the cash register. His head flies through the kitchen window, onto the grill and crashes into SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: Alright, that's it. I can't afford you jeopardizing me business. You two are more trouble than you're worth. [pushes them out the restaurant] And don't come back until you get this problem sorted out.
SpongeBob: Look on the bright side, Squidward. At least we still have each other.
Squidward: That's how we got into this predicament in the first place, you imbecile. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like a moment of peace. [plays clarinet as they walk past a surfer]
Surfer: Whoa, rock on, freaky bro!
Squidward: Sandy! Sandy! Please tell me you've figured out a way to separate us.
Sandy: Say hello to the 'Molecular Separator Ray'.
Squidward: Hello Molecular Separator Ray. Well, let's get on with it. My clarinet recital is tomorrow night.
Sandy: Uhh, well, I'm not quite done with it yet.
Squidward: What'd you say?
Sandy: I'm still putting it together. At best I'll have it ready, uhh, the day after tomorrow? Maybe? [Squidward pushes Sandy's air helmet]
Squidward: What? Day after tomorrow?! No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No! I have a performance tomorrow! I can't be stuck to that yellow freak. [SpongeBob smiles] Sandy, please, you've got to do it before the show.
Sandy: Well, uhh, I suppose... I'll have it ready before you go on. [Squidward and SpongeBob stretch through their front door but can't walk much further so their houses collide together]
Squidward: Of course. [at clarinet recital] Oh, my. [not an empty seat in the house] Where are you, Sandy? Sandy? I can't do it. I can't go out there.
SpongeBob: Squidward, this is your moment. The story you will tell when you look back as a... superstar.
SpongeBob: Now go out there and give them the best darn show they've ever seen.
Squidward: You're right. The show must go on.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlefish, Bikini Bottom's Community Rec Center is proud to present: Squidward Tentacles. [curtain rises to Squidward wearing a big cape like clothing. Squidward starts playing and everyone begins to hate it]
Evelyn: Honey, I'm scared. [the crowd continues to dislike Squidward playing the clarinet, the cape comes off as a nail tears it. SpongeBob starts to see the crowd, the crowd gasps]
SpongeBob: Uhh, hi.
Martin: Whoa. Rock on, freaky bro! Yeah. Whoo! [crowd cheers]
SpongeBob: Wow, they really liked it.
Mr. Krabs:[laughing] There you go, Squiddy.
Squidward: They... they... they're cheering. Superstardom. This must be what it feels like. This is what it looks like. What it [starts to laugh happily] sounds like. And... [smells the air] ...what it smells like. Oh, simply intoxicating.
Sandy: Whoo-wee, there you boys are. Looks like I'm just in time.
SpongeBob and Squidward: Sandy?
Sandy: One blast of this Molecular Separator Ray and you'll be separated for good. [SpongeBob and Squidward try to tell Sandy not to blast them, but was too late, she blasts the ray at Squidward and SpongeBob and it separates them. Crowd gasps]
Squidward:[SpongeBob gives him back his clarinet] Hmph. [plays clarinet off-key making SpongeBob cheer for him, but the audience hates it as they block their ears, Old Man Jenkins faints off his chair]
Mary: I think I'm going to be sick. [Squidward blows his clarinet at Billy which blows his skin off and shows his skeleton]
Billy: Ah, I'm out of here!
Squidward: Huh, no wait. Wait! [everyone leaves] Oh, my one moment of fame... gone. [grabs the separator ray] There's got to be some way to reverse this. [pushes the button over and over]
Sandy: No, Squidward! That's a very sensitive device!
SpongeBob: Squidward, I wouldn't--! [laser blasts into the final scene]
Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?
Squidward: It all started when I was born. [camera zooms out to show Patrick, Sandy, Mr. Krabs, Mrs. Puff, Pearl, Larry, SpongeBob, and Squidward joined together]