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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid's Day Off" from season two, which aired on November 2, 2000.
  • Narrator: Ah, beautiful springtime. A time for fun and frolic for most... [The scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, zooming in and then right at the front door. Squidward is there] but not for this poor slob. [Referring to Squidward]
  • Squidward: Oh, what a beautiful day. And here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. [bell dings] No one ever comes in on Sunday. [bell dings again] Why can't Mr. Krabs just let us go home? [bell dings again. Squidward gets angry. The scene changes to to SpongeBob ringing a bell, set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob] SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell! [He picks it up and slams it on the bottom of the order window]
  • SpongeBob: I was just testing it. [Squidward leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob's face]
  • Squidward: I will ring the bell when there's an order. But... [scene zooms out to show that the restaurant is empty] ...there's no customers! There hasn't been one all day and there isn't gonna be any! [he struggles to pick up the cash register, but successfully does so and he slams it down making a bell noise]
  • SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty coming up!
  • Squidward: No!
  • [register drawer shoots open knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs office where Mr. Krabs is writing something on a sheet of paper and he stops to hear the money dropping]
  • Mr. Krabs: That sounds like me money dropping. [The scene changes to show the outside of the office and Squidward is picking up the coins. Mr. Krabs opens his office door.] What's going on out here?! My babies! [runs up to Squidward and shoves him away] Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice, clean money... soiled! [scoops up the coins in his claws] I'll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. [The scene changes to show a long shot of SpongeBob staring out from the order window] Clear the way! [he runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink] No, no, no, don't cry, little ones.
  • SpongeBob: What's wrong, Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs gets scared and throws the dimes in the air]
  • Mr. Krabs: [a dime rolls into the sink but does not go down the drain.] Me dime! [Mr. Krabs gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks, and goes down the drain] No! [grabs the dime in the drain] I got it, boy. [tries to take his hand out] What the? It's stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: You've gotta let go of the dime.
  • Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There's got to be another way! Grab me captain's quarters and heave! [SpongeBob pulls on Mr. Krabs from behind a couple times until Mr. Krabs gets thrown back without his arms] Me arms!
  • SpongeBob: Oh no, not again! [Mr. Krabs hits the wall which makes the shelf slant and drop a pot, a glass, a pan, a mug, a treasure chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on Mr. Krabs' head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs' head and then a dime falls on it causing Mr. Krabs to fall over and blacken out. Scene changes to show an ambulance outside the Krusty Krab and two paramedics start to carry out Mr. Krabs on a stretcher.]
  • Mr. Krabs: Wait. [The paramedics stop moving] Squidward... I'm putting you in charge of things around here while I'm gone.
  • Squidward: [smiles] You can count on me, sir! [The paramedics continue to carry Mr. Krabs out. A third paramedic carries out Mr. Krabs' arms] Take care, Hurry back. Get well soon. You're in our thoughts. [The final paramedic enters the ambulance and it drives off.] Takes more muscles to frown than to smile. [shuts the door] Okay, SpongeBob, let's get down to business. My first official act as new manager is to give you a promotion.
  • [SpongeBob's pupils form into stars to stars]
  • SpongeBob: [screams] Ahh! Really?
  • Squidward: You get to run the cash register.
  • SpongeBob: The cash register... Wow! Squidward, who's gonna work the grill?
  • Squidward: You are-- It's part of the promotion I mentioned earlier. You'll be wearing two hats now. You're gonna take the orders and then you're gonna make them! [puts his hat next to SpongeBob's hat]
  • SpongeBob: Ah... This is the best day of my life.
  • Squidward: Me, too.
  • SpongeBob: But wait, if I'm running the register and the grill, what are you gonna do?
  • Squidward: I've got some very important boss-like errands to run. See ya later. [he runs off]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward!
  • Squidward: [He is half-way out the door] What is it?
  • SpongeBob: You forgot to teach me how to use... The cash register. [He rubs the cash register]
  • Squidward: You push the button and put the money inside. Okay, you're on your own. [walks off as SpongeBob hugs the cash register]
  • SpongeBob: I can't believe this is really happening. [sits on the cash register box. He starts to tear up.] Today, I start living!
  • [The scene changes to show Squidward walking outside]
  • Squidward: Well, Squidward, you've really outdone yourself this time. A beautiful day of relaxing and pampering... With pay. Hmm... I guess I do kinda feel bad for poor little SpongeBob, all by his lonesome... Oh, oh, it'll pass. He's probably just standing at the register with that stupid grin on his face. [scene cuts to Squidward's imagination: Patrick and SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab with dopey looks on their faces]
  • Thought Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob!
  • Thought SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick!
  • Thought Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob could you give me change for a quarter? [holds up quarter]
  • Thought SpongeBob: No problem! [takes quarter, bangs on the register until it opens, and gives Patrick a giant pile of money] Here ya go!
  • Thought Patrick: Thanks.
  • [the scene goes back to reality]
  • Squidward: [gasps] I forgot to tell him how to make change! Oh! [he runs back to the restaurant, banging the doors open] Sponge... [sees only SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab] ...Bob. [checks the cash register to see if everything is still there. Gives a sigh of relief]
  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. All done with those errands?
  • Squidward: No, I am not. I just remembered I needed change for this dollar. [He pulls out a dollar from his pocket]
  • SpongeBob: Do you want four quarters? [holds up four quarters] Or ten dimes? [shows ten dimes on his left hand] Or twenty nickels? [shows ten nickels on each arm] Or one hundred pennies? [shows one-hundred pennies on his back] Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickels, and ten pennies? [shows the quarter on his nose, 3 dimes on his fingers, 7 nickels on his thumb, and ten pennies, in the shape of the cent symbol, on his foot] Or, if you give me a five dollar bill, your options are...
  • Squidward: Alright, goodbye. [walks off. Scene changes to show Squidward's house where he comes out wearing sunglasses and blue shorts or bathing suit, he is carrying a lawn chair, a sunbathing mirror, an umbrella hat and a bottle of sunscreen.] This is great. My day off, no worries, just relaxation. [sets his lawn chair down, puts the hat on, puts the mirror down, and puts sunscreen on his nose.] I'm the boss, I deserve this. Ah...
  • Squidward: [voice over/Thoughts] Everything will be fine. There won't be any customers today anyway. He'll probably just stand there, bored. [imagines SpongeBob behind the counter just standing there. Squidward chuckles.] SpongeBob, bored. [he chuckles some more]
  • Thought SpongeBob: Ehh... Gettin' kinda bored. [yawns and falls asleep snoring. Krusty Krab spontaneously combusts and Squidward tries to blow it out but its a thought bubble, so it goes away. Begins to run to the Krusty Krab but stops.]
  • Squidward: Oh, what am I doing? [he pulls out a pocket watch] I am wasting valuable relaxing time, that's what I'm doing! I mean, really. What are the odds? SpongeBob setting the Krusty Krab on fire. [he walks back down the road, chuckling. Then, a fire truck drives down the road from to direction of the Krusty Krab. Squidward is startled and runs to the restaurant with a fire extinguisher. He opens the door and sprays the galley with foam. As the foam subsides, Squidward, now with a foam beard, walks over to SpongeBob, who has a foam mustache]
  • SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?
  • Squidward: [wipes off his foamy beard] It's me, you dunce!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward! [mustache falls off] How are those errands going?
  • Squidward: What's that supposed to mean? I'm very busy.
  • SpongeBob: Well, I'm sure you are.
  • Squidward: I don't like your tone.
  • SpongeBob: [high-pitched voice] I'm sure you are. [normal voice again] How's that?
  • Squidward: Just do your jobs! [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Mr. Tentacles. [puts the spatula in his forehead. Squidward leaves, grumbling.] Boy, no wonder Mr. Krabs put him in charge. [The scene changes to show Squidward's house. The scene zooms into the interior. Squidward is trying to sit down.]
  • Squidward: Must... re... [cracks his back] ...lax! [He slouches in his chair. He pulls out a hand mirror] Look at yourself. You're losing your bluish glow. Stop worrying so much. Now, repeat after me. You will not go back to the Krusty Krab. [his reflection turns into SpongeBob]
  • Mirror SpongeBob: I will destroy the Krusty Krab! [Squidward screams and throws the mirror at the wall and runs to the Krusty Krab]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: Have you finished...?
  • Squidward: No! [walks out] That's it. That's it. No matter what sick fantasies run through my mind, I will not go back to that restaurant! [walks into his house then runs out towards the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs back to his house then back to the Krusty Krab] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs back to his house] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs to the Krusty Krab] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward keeps running back and forth while SpongeBob is repeating 'have you finished those errands?' Finally, Squidward enters the Krusty Krab and stops] Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands?
  • Squidward: No, I am not finished with those errands and I never will be, so quit checking up on me! [walks up to SpongeBob] I know what you're up to. [He hits the cash register while he talks] Forcing me to come back here every time you mess up!
  • SpongeBob: But I haven't...
  • Squidward: Okay, [He leans on the cash register] maybe you haven't messed up yet, but you will. You will... [He slowly loses his sanity as he walks backwards] And when you do, I'll be there. I'll be there! [He laughs hysterically and runs away]
  • SpongeBob: Gosh, Squidward sure is a hard worker. He makes me proud to wear [Rubs his hats] these hats.
  • [The scene changes to show Squidward locking his door using his key, putting padlocks on it, bolting it down with wood and nails, putting police tape up, and using a blowtorch to weld the door shut so he can't get out]
  • Squidward: There! [He throws the blowtorch backwards] Now I'll have to stay here and enjoy myself! [His face looks weird because he has lost his sanity] I'm not even gonna think about you-know-who at the you-know-what doing I-don't-care. [laughs] Just gonna... Relax. [He walks to his shower and turns on the water and puts on his bathing cap sits in his bathtub] Let Squid's day off...[Under the bath water] begin. [Squidward hears SpongeBob laughing] [above the bath water] What was that? [SpongeBob's laughing is heard again] It's SpongeBob. He's spying on me, to see if I'm really doing errands. [gives a chuckle] But, but he left his post. [Gives another chuckle] And I've finally caught him messing up. [Gives another chuckle. He pokes his head out the window.] Aha! I caught you, Sponge... [notices that it's only the wind making a branch of coral brush against his house] ... Branch.

[Squidward notices SpongeBob's silhouette with his two hats behind his shower curtain] Heh, here's that rubber duck Mr. Krabs wanted me to get. [pulls the curtain aside] I've got you now! Wait'll Mr. Krabs finds out you're a... [Sees his toilet with a shampoo bottle and 2 rolls of toilet paper on it] ... Toilet. You're losin' it, Squidward. Calm down. If I let this get to me again, I'll just end up running down to the Krusty Krab, bursting through the front door, up to that yellow headache SpongeBob, and he'll say...

  • SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. [SpongeBob is in the bathtub with Squidward.] Are you finished with those errands yet? [goes under the water]
  • Squidward: Aha! [goes under the water and appears as a real octopus] I know you're in here. [gasps] What? [SpongeBob is in the drain. He winks and goes down] He's heading back to the Krusty Krab! [Jumps out of his bathtub and runs to the door] I'll beat him there! [slams through the barricaded door with nothing on but his shower cap and bubbles foaming around his waist] I've got you now, SpongeBob! [runs past Sadie who covers her son's eyes with her hand]
  • Sadie: Hey, put some clothes on!
  • Squidward: [runs past Patrick lying on a rock] The truth will be revealed!
  • Patrick: [stands up] Whoa-ho, right on, Squidward! [The scene changes to show the hospital where Purple Doctorfish and Mr. Krabs are walking out]
  • Purple Doctorfish: Okay, Mr. Krabs. Get plenty of rest and if things don't seem right, come back. [walks inside]
  • Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Doc. [He looks at the street and smiles until the nude and deranged Squidward runs past him]
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, you can't beat me! [Mr. Krabs frowns and his arms fall off again and he walks back into the hospital. Laughing hysterically, Squidward bursts into Krusty Krab to find SpongeBob already there--he never left!] Aha! I caught you now! You didn't think I knew you were a stick outside my window! Ha! Or the toilet in my bathroom! [SpongeBob looks confused and Squidward's saliva hits his face] And then you were in my bathtub, and [He slowly regains his sanity] I... And-and you... And I... And then you... Swam... Down the drain and... Beat me... to the Krusty... Krab.
  • SpongeBob: Uh, does that mean you're...? [Squidward covers SpongeBob's mouth with his hand]
  • Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob. I am finished with those errands. [hugs the register] I guess I want to take my place back at the cash register. I really do.
  • [He rubs his face on the cash register. SpongeBob takes off his clothes (except his underwear) and hands them to Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: [Whispers] Then you might wanna put these on. [Squidward looks down and notices a bunch of bubbles. Close up of his legs and all the bubbles pop except for one, which pops after the close up, he grabs SpongeBob's pants and puts them on.] Hmm... Hey, Squidward, you know what? Look! [walks back with the "open"/"closed" sign] We forgot to switch the "Closed" sign to "Open". [flips the sign from "Closed" to "Open"]. It's almost like we could've taken the whole day off! [He laughs. Squidward's nose falls off and his head deflates. His whole body soon falls gently to the ground.]

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