This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squid's Day Off" from season 2, which aired on February 17, 2001.
- Narrator: Ah, beautiful springtime. A time for fun and frolic for most, but not for this poor slob. [It's Squid's day off]
- Squidward: Ohh...what a beautiful day. And here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. [bell rings] No one ever comes in on Sunday. [bell rings again] Why can’t Mr. Krabs just let us go home? [bell rings again. Squidward gets angry. Scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing a bell set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob] SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell!
- SpongeBob: I was just testing it. [Squidward leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob’s face]
- Squidward: I will ring the bell when there is an order. But... [scene zooms out to show restaurant empty] ...there’s no customers!! There hasn’t been one all day, and there isn’t gonna be any! [picks up the cash register and slams it down making a bell noise]
- SpongeBob: One Krabby Patty coming up!
- Squidward: No! [register drawer shoots open knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. Scene cuts to Mr. Krabs office where Mr. Krabs hears the money dropping]
- Mr. Krabs: That sounds like me money dropping. [he opens his office door to find Squid picking up the coins] What’s going on out here? My babies! [runs up to Squidward and shoves him away] Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice, clean money...soiled! [scoops up the coins in his claws] I’ll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. Clear the way! [he runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink] No, no, no, don’t cry, little ones.
- SpongeBob: What’s wrong, Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs gets scared and throws the dimes in the air]
- Mr. Krabs: Me dime! [a dime rolls into the sink but does not go down the drain until Mr. Krabs gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks , and jumps down the drain] Noo! [grabs the dime in the drain] I got it, boy! [tries to take his hand out] What the? It’s stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob: You’ve gotta let go of the dime.
- Mr. Krabs: I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There’s got to be another way! Grab me captains quarters and heave! [SpongeBob pulls on Mr. Krabs from behind a couple times until Mr. Krabs gets thrown back without his arms] Me arms!
- SpongeBob: Oh no, not again. [Mr. Krabs hits the wall which makes the shelf slant and drop a pan, a glass, another pan, a mug, a chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on Mr. Krabs head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs head and then a dime falls on it causing Mr. Krabs to blacken out. Scene cuts to an ambulance outside the Krusty Krab and two paramedics carrying out Mr. Krabs on a stretcher]
- Mr. Krabs: Wait. Squidward, I’m putting you in charge of things around here while I’m gone.
- Squidward: [smiles] You can count on me, sir! [a third paramedic carries out Mr. Krabs arms] Take care! Hurry back! Get well soon! You’re in our thoughts! [ambulance drives off] Takes more muscles to frown than to smile! [shuts the door] Ok, SpongeBob, let’s get down to business. My first official act as new manager is to give you a promotion. [SpongeBob’s pupils form into stars to stars]
- SpongeBob: [screams] Ahh, really?
- Squidward: You get to run the cash register.
- SpongeBob: The cash register...wow! Squidward, who’s gonna work the grill?
- Squidward: You are! It’s part of the promotion I mentioned earlier. You’ll be wearing two hats now. You’re gonna take the orders, and then you’re gonna make them! [puts his hat next to SpongeBob’s hat]
- SpongeBob: This is the best day of my life!
- Squidward: Me too.
- SpongeBob: Wait, if I’m running the register and the grill, what are you gonna do?
- Squidward: I’ve got some very important boss-like errands to run. See ya, later. [he runs off]
- SpongeBob: Squidward!
- Squidward: What is it?
- SpongeBob: You forgot to teach me how to use...the cash register.
- Squidward: You push the button and put the money inside. Ok, you’re on your own. [walks off as SpongeBob hugs the cash register]
- SpongeBob: I can’t believe this is really happening. [sits on the cash register box] Today, I start living! [scene cuts to Squidward walking outside]
- Squidward: Well, Squidward, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. A beautiful day of relaxing and pampering with pay. Hmmm, I guess I do kinda feel bad about poor little SpongeBob, all by his lonesome...ohh, ohh, it’ll pass. He’s probably just standing at the register with that stupid grin on his face. [scene cuts to Squidward's imagination: Patrick and SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab with dopey looks on their faces]
- Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!
- SpongeBob: Hey Patrick!
- Patrick: Hey SpongeBob, could you give me change for a quarter? [holds up quarter]
- SpongeBob: No problem! [takes quarter, bangs on the register until it opens, and gives Patrick a giant pile of money] Here ya go!
- Patrick: Thanks. [back to reality]
- Squidward: [gasps] I forgot to tell him how to make change! [he runs back to the restaurant, banging the doors open] Sponge... [sees only SpongeBob in the Krusty Krab] ...Bob. [checks the cash register to see if everything is still there. Gives a sigh of relief]
- SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward. All done with those errands?
- Squidward: No, I am not. I just remembered I needed change for this dollar. [He pulls out a dollar from his pocket]
- SpongeBob: Do you want four quarters? [holds up four quarters] Or ten dimes? [shows ten dimes on his hand] Or twenty nickels? [shows ten nickels on each arm] Or one hundred pennies? [shows one-hundred pennies on his back] Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickels, and ten pennies? [shows the quarter on his nose, 3 dimes on his fingers, 7 nickels on his thumb, and ten pennies, in the shape of the cent symbol, on his foot] Or, if you give me a five dollar bill, your options are...
- Squidward: Alright, goodbye. [walks off. Scene cuts to Squidward’s house where he comes out wearing sunglasses and has on sunscreen and carrying a lawn chair] This is great. My day off, no worries. Just relaxation. [sets his lawn chair down and puts sunscreen on himself] I’m the boss. I deserve this. Ah...
- Squidward: [voice over] Everything will be fine. There won’t be any customers today anyway. He’ll probably just stand there, bored. [imagines SpongeBob behind the counter just standing there] SpongeBob, bored.
- SpongeBob: Ehh, gettin’ kind of bored. [yawns and falls asleep. Krusty Krab catches on fire and Squidward tries to blow it out but its a thought bubble. Begins to run to the Krusty Krab but stops. The music slows down.]
- Squidward: Ohh, what am I doing? [he pulls out a watch] I am wasting valuable relaxing time here, that’s what I’m doing! I mean, really. What are the odds? SpongeBob setting the Krusty Krab on fire. [he walks back down the road. Then, a fire truck drives down the road. Squidward is startled and runs to the restaurant with a fire extinguisher. He sprays the galley with foam. As the foam subsides, Squid, now with a foam beard, walks over to Sponge, who has a foam moustache]
- SpongeBob: May I help you, sir?
- Squidward: [wipes off his foamy beard] It’s me, you dunce!
- SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Squidward! [mustache falls off] How are those errands going?
- Squidward: What’s that supposed to mean? I’m very busy.
- SpongeBob: I’m sure you are.
- Squidward: I don’t like your tone.
- SpongeBob: [high-pitched voice] I’m sure you are. [normal voice again] How’s that?
- Squidward: Just do your jobs. [walks off]
- SpongeBob: Aye-aye, Mr. Tentacles! [puts the spatula in his forehead] Boy, no wonder Mr. Krabs put him in charge. [scene cuts to Squidward’s house]
- Squidward: Must...rel... [cracks his back] ...ax! [pulls out a mirror] Look at yourself. You’re losing your bluish glow. Stop worrying so much! Now, repeat after me...you will not go back to the Krusty Krab. [his reflection turns into SpongeBob]
- SpongeBob: I will destroy the Krusty Krab. [Squidward screams and throws the mirror at the wall and runs to the Krusty Krab]
- Squidward: SpongeBob!!
- SpongeBob: Have you finished...
- Squidward: No! [walks out] That’s it. That’s it. No matter what sick fantasies run through my mind, I will not go back to that restaurant! [walks into his house then runs out towards the Krusty Krab]
- SpongeBob: Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs back to his house then back to the Krusty Krab] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs back to his house] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward runs to the Krusty Krab] Have you finished those errands? [Squidward keeps running back and forth while SpongeBob is repeating 'have you finished those errands?' Finally, Squidward enters the Krusty Krab and stops] Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands? Have you finished those errands?
- Squidward: No, I am not finished with those errands and I never will be. So quit checking up on me! [walks up to SpongeBob] I know what you’re up to. Forcing me to come back here every time you mess up!
- SpongeBob: But I haven’t...
- Squidward: Ok, maybe you haven’t messed up yet, but you will. You will. [walks backwards] And when you do, I’ll be there! I’ll be there! [laughs]
- SpongeBob: Gosh, Squidward sure is a hard worker. He makes me proud to wear these hats. [puts all sorts of door locks on his door and uses a blowtorch to weld the door shut so he can't get out]
- Squidward: There! Now I’ll have to stay here and enjoy myself! I’m not even gonna think about you know who at the you know what doing I don’t care! [laughs] Just gonna relax... [turns on the water and puts on his bathing cap sits in his bathtub] Let Squid’s day off...begin. [Squidward hears SpongeBob laughing outside] What was that? [SpongeBob's laughing is heard again] It’s SpongeBob! He’s spying on me, to see if I’m really doing errands. But, but he left his post, and I’ve finally caught him messing up! [pokes his head out the window] A-ha! I caught you, Sponge... [notices that its only the wind making a branch of coral brush against his house] ...branch. [Squidward notices SpongeBob's silouette with his two hats behind his shower curtain] Heh, here’s that rubber duck Mr. Krabs wanted me to get. [pulls the curtain aside] A-ha! I’ve got you now! Wait’ll Mr. Krabs finds out you’re a...[sees his toilet with a shampoo bottle and a roll of toilet paper on it]...toilet. You’re losin’ it, Squidward, calm down. If I let this get to me again, I’ll just end up running down to the Krusty Krab, bursting through the front door, up to that yellow headache SpongeBob, and he’ll say...
- SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward.[SpongeBob is in the bathtub with Squidward] Are you finished with those errands yet? [goes under the water]
- Squidward: A-ha! [goes under the water and appears as a real octopus] I know you’re in here. [gasps] What? [SpongeBob is in the drain. He winks and goes down] He’s heading back to the Krusty Krab! I’ll beat him there! [slams through the locked door with nothing on but his shower cap and bubbles foaming around his waist] I’ve got you now, SpongeBob!
- Citizen: [covers her son's eyes with her hand] Hey, put some clothes on!
- Squidward: [runs past Patrick lying on a rock] The truth will be revealed!
- Patrick: [stands up] Whoo-ho! Right on, Squidward! [scene cuts to the hospital where the doctor and Mr. Krabs are walking out]
- Doctor: Ok, Mr. Krabs, get plenty of rest and if things don’t seem right, come back. [walks inside]
- Mr. Krabs: Thanks, doc. [Squidward runs past him]
- Squidward: SpongeBob, you can’t beat me! Ha! [Mr. Krabs' arms fall off and he walks back into the hospital. Scene cuts to Squidward running into the Krusty Krab] A-ha! I caught you now. You didn’t think I knew you were a stick outside my window. Ha! Or the toilet in my bathroom. And then, you were in my bathtub! And I...And-and you...And I...And you...swam down the drain and beat me to the...Krusty...Krab...
- SpongeBob: Uhh, does that mean that you...? [Squidward covers SpongeBob's mouth with his hand]
- Squidward: Yes, SpongeBob, I am finished with those errands. [hugs the register] I guess I want to take my place back at the cash register. I really do. [SpongeBob takes off his pants and hands them to Squidward]
- SpongeBob: Then you might wanna put these on. [Squidward looks down and notices a bunch of bubbles. They all pop, he puts SpongeBob's pants on] Hey, Squidward, you know what? Look! [walks back with a sign] We forgot to switch the ‘Closed’ sign to ‘Open’[flips the sign from Closed to Open]. It’s almost like we could’ve taken the whole day off! [He laughs. Squidward’s nose falls off and his head deflates]