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SpongeGuard on Duty
Season №: 3
Episode №: 41b
Airdate: March 22, 2002
Previous: "The Algae's Always Greener"
Next: "Club SpongeBob"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeGuard on Duty" from season three, which aired on March 22, 2002.

  • Narrator: Ah, The Goo Lagoon. Where the sun is hot and the sunbathers are oh so cool. [SpongeBob is laying on his back on a towel]
  • SpongeBob: What a beautiful day.
  • Patrick: You said it, pal.
  • SpongeBob: Can you believe that sun? [Patrick's eyes are small]
  • Patrick: I could look at it all day. [SpongeBob sits up then takes his sunglasses off]
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, Patrick? [Patrick's eyes go back to normal after he takes a drink]
  • Patrick: What?
  • SpongeBob: Nothing.
  • Patrick: So, how's that tan coming?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. Let me check. [lifts his pants and looks at his tan] Looking good. How's yours?
  • Patrick: Just a minute, Ah! [lifts his shorts and his rear-end is showing. Patrick lays on his stomach] I could have sworn I was laying on my back. [both laugh as a swarm of people run by them. Larry is lifting six people on a surfboard. Everyone cheers]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, it's Larry, the lifeguard. [three girls walk up to Larry]
  • Nancy Suzy Fish: Mr Lifeguard, can I feel your muscle?
  • Larry: Sure. Don't scratch the paint. [Nancy and friends run off after feeling Larry's muscles. Scooter and friends come up next]
  • Scooter: Lifeguard, hows the tubage?
  • Larry: Gnarly, dudes!
  • Scooter and friends: All right, yeah! Woohoo! [Scooter and friends run off as an elderly couple come up]
  • Elderly Man: Lifeguard, can you point out the snack bar?
  • Larry: Right over there. But you guys are way too old and unsightly for my beach. And I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
  • Elderly Woman: [both walk off] So polite.
  • Elderly Man: Just like we raised him.
  • SpongeBob: What a guy. Is it any wonder he's so popular? Just imagine if I were a lifeguard. [imagines himself in a lifeguard watchtower] That would be so cool.
  • Patrick: Oh, what do you want to be a lifeguard for? Nobody really likes those guys. [Larry is carried by a bunch of fish] Being a lifeguard is so dumb. All they do is blow, blow, blow on their stupid whistles, rub, rub, rub that white stuff on their noses and show off their gross misshapen bodies! [a fish walks up seeing Patrick's expanded belly]
  • Nat: Dude, put that thing away. There are, like, children here. [Patrick pushes his belly fat into his feet]
  • Patrick: I'm going to the snack bar. [walks off]
  • SpongeBob: Who needs to be a lifeguard? I'm cool. [zoom into a geek-like looking SpongeBob] I'm every bit as cool as Larry. And if I'm not, let me be struck by... [thunder roars] ...a flying ice cream truck. [ice cream truck with wings comes falling down] AND LIVE! [ice cream truck slows down and lands on top of SpongeBob, then drives away. SpongeBob's towel flies away]
  • Larry: [speaking into a megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers. [As SpongeBob gets up, a vanilla ice cream cone falls off his nose] SpongeBob, you OK? [Larry notices the vanilla on SpongeBob's nose and mistakes it for sunscreen] Hey! I didn't know you were a lifeguard.
  • SpongeBob: Lifeguard?
  • Larry: The nose.
  • SpongeBob: [swipes his finger on his nose to see the ice cream] White stuff. You think I'm a lifeguard?
  • Larry: Sure, theres no hiding the lifeguard look, SpongeBob, and you've got it.
  • SpongeBob: You really think so?
  • Larry: You bet I do. Say, we're a little shorthanded around here. How would you like to work the beach?
  • SpongeBob: (high voice) I'd love it! [hugs Larry]
  • Larry: Alright. [puts SpongeBob down] Leave that on the bench, Kahuna. Hey, Annette, come here. [fish walks over] I want you to meet my buddy, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Hi. [Annette kicks sand in his face]
  • Larry: Hey, guy's a lifeguard. [Annette whistles as Nat, Shubie and Bill run over and pick up SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: It works. [Larry and SpongeBob walk up and down the beach blowing their whistles. Later, SpongeBob has a suit like Larry's. Larry is now putting lotion on Sadie and gives SpongeBob a thumbs-up. SpongeBob is putting lotion on an elderly male fish. Larry and SpongeBob make sand castles. Larry lifts some weights as SpongeBob lifts two soda cups with straws for weights, a male fish walks up and takes a cup, Spongebob falls over on one side. Both hula dance playing ukuleles] Woohoo! That was the greatest, Larry.
  • Larry: Yeah. Say, how'd you like to take the second shift?
  • SpongeBob: By myself?
  • Larry: Only if you think you're ready. [SpongeBob holds up a jar of zinc-oxide]
  • SpongeBob: I'm not just ready. [puts some of the zinc-oxide on his nose] I'm ready, Freddie.
  • Larry: It's Larry. Well, I guess I'll just...
  • Fish #2: Help, help! [a fish struggles in the water] Help, help, help!
  • Larry: We've got a sinker! SpongeBob, let me take this. I haven't seen any action all day. [Larry runs across the beach and dives into the water]
  • SpongeBob: Action? [Larry swims out. The fish begins to sink underwater and Larry dives after him and brings him to shore]
  • Larry: Breathe, darn you! [starts to punch the fish in the stomach. The fish regurgitates water and a magazine]
  • Fish #3: That's the last time I read and swim! You saved my life!
  • Larry: Don't mention it. It's all part of the job. [Larry walks up to SpongeBob, who is stunned] You know, SpongeBob, the babes and the big chair are great, but the best part is knowing you're the only thing that stands between these good people... [notice a sign that reads "Annual Hot Dog Chug" and everyone is rooting for Scooter, who is eating a bunch of hot dogs] ...and a watery grave. And that's what its all about. [a boat drives up] Their lives are in your hands now, cause I got a date with the tanning booth. [Larry jumps in the boat with Nancy, Pilar, and Shubie] See ya. [the boat drives off]
  • SpongeBob: But I... [an inner tube inflates around him] ...can't swim. Oh, if I'd known being a lifeguard meant guarding their lives, I would never have said yes. [throws the inner tube off] Maybe nothing will go wrong. Then when Larry comes back, I'll tell him I'm not interested. Besides, whats the worst that could happen? [imagines everyone in the lake turns into tombstones. He screams and yells and runs up to the lifeguard tower and rings the bell then speaks into a megaphone] Emergency! Everybody out of the water! Hurry! Emergency! Out of the water! [the entire crowd runs out of the water] Emergency! [everyone wonders what is going on] Uhh... there are sharks in there! [a family of sharks is shown in the crowd]
  • Father Shark: Hey, that's my family you're talking about!
  • SpongeBob: A sea monster! [a giant, green sea monster walks over]
  • Sea Monster: You know, we sea monsters have made great strides in the fields of science and literature. [walks off as he smacks SpongeBob with his tail]
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, somebody went? [crowd of people are angry and go back to playing in the water] No, don't go! [SpongeBob gasps when he sees people in the water doing things that are "dangerous." He screams and then brings out an ice cream cart] Free ice cream! [everyone runs out of the water again and crowds around the cart] Plenty for everybody. One for you, one for you... OK everybody got one? [everyone in the crowd eats their ice cream and sweet treats] A-ha, now I got ya! Now, you all have to wait one hour before you go swimming. [shows a clock] But just so you're not tempted... [ties everyone up with orange "do not cross" tape] Ladies and gentlemen of the lagoon is closed.
  • Scooter: We like Larry better.
  • SpongeBob: Does Larry ever give you [speaks into megaphone] free ice cream? [Patrick bursts out of a port-o-potty]
  • Patrick: Ice cream? [starts running around] Did somebody say ice cream? [runs up to the tape] Where is it? Is it here? [the words "do not cross" on the tape change into saying "ice cream"] Huh? Ice cream, yay! [breaks through the tape and runs into the middle of the lagoon. After he stops, he gets an ache in his rear-end] Cramp! [begins to struggle in the water]
  • Fish #4: [notices Patrick struggling in the water] Holy cow, somebody's drowning!
  • SpongeBob: [lounging at the top of the lifeguard tower] Oh, no, that's not possible. The lagoon is closed. [tied up group of fish walk over to the tower]
  • Scooter: Dude, get your butt in the water.
  • SpongeBob: If there was anyone in there, we'd hear them.
  • Patrick: Help, help! [SpongeBob stands up and takes off his shades] I can't swim!
  • SpongeBob: Somebody would be screaming that they're drowning.
  • Patrick: I'm drowning! I'm drowning!
  • SpongeBob: They would have to have crossed the line.
  • Patrick: I'm drowning cause I crossed the line! [SpongeBob takes out a pair of binoculars]
  • SpongeBob: OK, I'll take a look, but just to prove to you that... [SpongeBob's eyes become huge and break through the lenses of the binoculars] ...PATRICK ISN'T DROWNING!
  • Patrick: Can't swim! Butt hurts! Ice cream! [SpongeBob jumps off the tower]
  • SpongeBob: Hold on, Patrick! [runs to the shore, flailing his arms rapidly] I'm coming!
  • Patrick: Help, help!
  • SpongeBob: Don't move! [gets a life preserver] Catch this! [throws it out to Patrick, but only lands about a foot out into the water]
  • Harold: Quit fooling around, man. Get in the water.
  • Patrick: Help, help!
  • SpongeBob: Oh, what am I going to do? Got to think. [starts running in circles] Gotta think. Gotta run around and think. Gotta run around and think at the same time. Gotta think, gotta have a plan. Gotta think, think, think. [the shape of his body turns into a light-bulb] I've got it! [takes out a straw] Patrick can't drown if there isn't any water. [sets straw in water and starts to suck out all the water, he grows huge] Well, you're safe now, Patrick.
  • Patrick: [inside SpongeBob] Help, I'm drowning! I've got butt cramps! I want ice cream and now its dark! [SpongeBob spits all the water out. Patrick is drowning again] Help, help! Help me, I'm drowning! Help! [SpongeBob runs to a couple sitting in a boat, about to share a hot dog]
  • Gus: To us. [SpongeBob takes the boat from under the couple and runs off, then comes back]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry. Here's your hot dog. [hands them back their hot dog, then runs off and paddles the boat in the lagoon over to Patrick] Ok, Patrick, here I come. [Patrick is still flailing and screaming] Come, come round, Pat. Here I am. [Patrick grabs the boat and starts tearing it apart in a desperate frenzy. SpongeBob ushers him to stop, but the boat is torn completely into pieces and SpongeBob is in the water too]
  • Patrick: Oh, sorry. [Both him and Spongebob start struggling in the water, Patrick pushes SpongeBob underwater trying to stay afloat. Then he starts hitting SpongeBob with an anchor]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Help! Help us! We're drowning! [everyone who is tied up walks off whistling]
  • SpongeBob: Goodbye, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Goodbye, ice cream. [the two continue to struggle, Larry walks up behind them and picks them up, revealing that the water is very shallow, and only up to his ankles]
  • Larry: SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Yes, Larry?
  • Larry: You're not a lifeguard, are you?
  • SpongeBob: No, Larry.
  • Larry: [carrying SpongeBob and Patrick in his hands] Let's go, guys. [later, SpongeBob & Patrick are paddling in a kiddie pool] Very good. You fellas are learning fast.
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Ow, butt cramps!
  • Patrick: And I still don't have my ice cream.

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