SpongeBob: Wait for it... [clock changes to 8:00. SpongeBob punches in then jumps in the air. The scene pauses him in mid-air]
Automated Voice: On Time Percentage: 100%. [the scene starts again. Squidward walks up to the time clock]
Squidward: Another day, another migraine. Heh, heh, mi... [scene pauses again]
Automated Voice: On Time Percentage: 12%. [the screen un-pauses]
Squidward: ...graine. Heh, heh, heh.
SpongeBob: Ahh, isn't it great working at the Krusty Krab, Squidward? Huh? Isn't it? Working here?
Squidward: Yeah, great.
SpongeBob: Aww, yeah.
Squidward:[getting annoyed] Yes...
SpongeBob: Hold that thought, Squidward. I'm doing the parking lot for early morning litter patrol. May Neptune shine brightly on my harvest. [laughs. SpongeBob walks out with a bag and a long, pointy tool] Litter. [picks up trash] Looks like someone missed the trash basket, huh, Mr. Candy Wrapper? [laughs] Kids these days. [another piece of trash falls to the ground next to him] I've never seen such an epidemic! Well, at least it's all over now. [more trash keeps falling to the ground around him and he picks them up quickly. He breathes, exhausted, as one more piece of litter falls down attached to a parachute.] Where is that litter coming from?! [SpongeBob notices someone tossing trash out of a car] Not on my watch. [walks up to the car] Sir, I will have you know it's against the law to litter.
Strangler: Heh, what're you gonna do, call the police? [police arrive]
SpongeBob: Yes. [police begin to handcuff the Strangler. They walk past him in single-file and continue cuffing him]
Squidward: How's it going, Lieutenant?
SpongeBob: Well, let's just say I hope our litterbug there saved room for his just desserts. [laughs] Yeah, just desserts.
Squidward: Whatever. Huh? [notices the Strangler in the police car] SpongeBob, don't you know who that is?
Squidward: That's the Tattletale Strangler.
Squidward: The Tattletale Strangler! [shows SpongeBob a 'WANTED' poster of the Strangler] He's promised to strangle anyone who turns him in. [Strangler growls]
SpongeBob: He seems kind of angry with us, eh, Squidward? [SpongeBob notices Squidward is gone] Squidward? Squidward?
Officer Malley: You're gonna do time, Strangler. Hard time. [SpongeBob walks up to the police]
SpongeBob: Hi, officers. So, he's going to jail, right?
Officer Nancy: Who, Strangler?
SpongeBob: Yeah, Strangler.
Officer Nancy: Oh, yeah, he's going to jail for a long time. [Strangler draws SpongeBob on the headrest of the driver seat]
SpongeBob: Hey, that looks like me! [Strangler uses his hands to damage the headrest, then laughs. SpongeBob screams]
Officer Nancy: Don't worry, SpongeBob. He won't be able to strangle you.
Officer Malley: Yeah. We got him chained up real good. He'll never get away.
Officer Nancy: Oops, not again. [Strangler is gone, with his handcuffs in his place in the car]
Officer Malley: Yep, he got away. [SpongeBob screams then walks up to the police]
SpongeBob: You nice officers will protect me, right?
Officer Nancy: We ain't bodyguards, kid.
Officer Malley: Yeah, give us a call if you see him again... tattletale. [they drive off]
SpongeBob: Those officers are right. I need a bodyguard! [runs into the Krusty Krab] Mr. Krabs! There's a maniac after me! I need a bodyguard.
Mr. Krabs:[laughs] I wasn't five-time 'Golden Claws' in the navy for nothin'! When he sees me moves, he'll be running scared. So, where is this little bully? Down at the park? The sodey shop? What does he look like, eh, boy?
SpongeBob: This would be him, Mr. Krabs. [takes out the wanted poster of The Strangler]
Mr. Krabs:[screams] The Tattletale Strangler? [his eyes go into his body] Go away, SpongeBob! Take your death cloud with you! [scene cuts to SpongeBob showing the wanted poster to people. Shows it to Larry, who turns into a real lobster on a plate, then a construction worker who pogos off on his jackhammer, and some guys at the Tough Tavern who run off, some screaming "HOLD ME! HOLD ME!", leaving SpongeBob distraught]
SpongeBob:[at the bus stop] Ugh, that's it. I gotta get out of town 'til I can find a bodyguard. [Strangler sits on a bench reading a newspaper]
Strangler: Bodyguard, huh? I might be able to help you out. [SpongeBob walks over]
SpongeBob: You don't understand, mister. I need protection from the scariest guy in town. Here's his picture. [holds up the wanted poster. The Strangler reveals himself wearing a fake mustache]
Strangler: Heh heh, he doesn't look so tough.
SpongeBob: I tattled on him, and now he wants to strangle me with his diabolical hands! I hope they're not dirty. [Strangler shows his filthy hands and laughs. Before the Strangler starts to strangle SpongeBob, a bus stops next to them and the Strangler puts his hands behind his back and smiles, as the bus drives off]
Strangler: Huh? Uh-oh. Uhh, there's too many witnesses around here. [walks up to SpongeBob] Listen, kid. I could be your bodyguard. Here's my card.
SpongeBob: Hmm, looks good to me. You're hired! I feel safer already. What's next? [a five cent sticker is hanging from the Strangler's fake mustache]
Strangler: Well, the maniac could be anywhere, wearing a disguise. He could be that old man. [he points to an old man with a walker] Or that baby. [points to a baby in a stroller]
SpongeBob: Or that pebble. [points to a small rock on the ground] Or that stick. [points to a stick on the ground] Or that receipt for the Phony Baloney Mustache Emporium! [points to a white piece of paper]
Strangler: Huh? Uhh, that's mine. [picks it up and puts it in his pocket]
SpongeBob: Oh, bodyguard, my body is in your guarding hands. What do we do first?
Strangler: Well, I suggest we go to a nice, quiet, secluded location, uh, like behind an old dumpster or a dark alley...
SpongeBob: We could go to my house and turn off all the lights!
Strangler: Perfect. That way no one can hear you being strangled... err, I mean, uhh, protected. [laughs as the lights grow dim] Perfect. [SpongeBob laughs until he turns the lights on again]
SpongeBob: Ah, but first I gotta do a few errands.
Strangler: Uhh, okay, but let's make it quick.
SpongeBob: Quick is my middle name! [scene cuts to the grocery store] Let's see...paper towels. This one says 'best paper towel around' this one says 'best paper towel in town'. Hmm... in town... around... in town... around... what do you think, bodyguard?
Strangler: Whatever gets us to your house quicker.
SpongeBob: I'll take both! [scene cuts to 'Dry Cleaning While-U-Wait']
Dry Cleaner: Here you go, Mr. SquarePants. [he hands him his clothes]
Dry Cleaner: Is there something wrong?
SpongeBob: I'm not sure if these are my pants. [scene cuts to the perfume store where SpongeBob sprays some perfume on his wrist and holds it up to the Strangler] How about this one, bodyguard? Too overbearing?
Strangler: Can we just go to your house?! [scene cuts to SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob: Here we are. SquarePants Manor! Bodyguard, let me just take this opportunity to say you're the best bodyguard a fella could hope to have.
Strangler: All right, enough of the sappy talk! Open the door so I can strangle you... I mean, uhh, choke you... I mean, uhh, crush your windpipe... gah, I mean...
SpongeBob: Protect me?
SpongeBob: Don't mention it, Strangler. [gasps] I mean, bodyguard. Now where'd I put my key?
Narrator: Twenty minutes later... [SpongeBob is still searching for his key]
SpongeBob: Well, I can't find 'em. You wanna take a look?
Strangler: Forget the key! Let's climb through this window. [struggles reaching for the window] I can't reach it. Do you think you could hop up on my shoulders, kid? [SpongeBob is wearing cleats]
SpongeBob: Sure! With these spiky cleats, anything is possible! [jumps onto the Strangler] Ya!
Strangler: Cleats?! [SpongeBob's feet land on the Strangler's eyeballs. The Strangler screams in pain] GET YOUR FEET OUT OF MY EYE SOCKETS!!!! [SpongeBob starts tugging at his legs]
SpongeBob: I'm trying, but my cleats are stuck in your corneas! [Strangler runs around in pain]
Narrator: Six hours later... [Strangler is still running around until he pulls SpongeBob's feet out of his eyes. Scene cuts to the Strangler with bandages on his eyes]
SpongeBob: Don't be mad, bodyguard. Let me just grab the key I keep under the mat and we can get inside. [The Strangler growls in anger and a nuclear explosion comes out of his head] There you are, you little rascal. Now, to put the key in the lock, which should activate the tumblers, thus opening the door. [Strangler sneaks up behind SpongeBob ready to strangle him. SpongeBob opens the door and walks in] Step inside...
Strangler:[closes the door] Close the door...
SpongeBob: Well, here we are!
Strangler: I've finally got you all alone! [laughs evilly]
SpongeBob: I know, Isn't it great? [laughs. Strangler picks up SpongeBob] Ooh.
Strangler: Now you're gonna get yours... tattletale! [lights turn on]
All: Surprise! [all of SpongeBob's friends are in his house cheering. They drop a sign that says 'Congratulations, SpongeBob! 100% On Time!']
SpongeBob: A surprise party to celebrate my perfect on-time percentage at work? Oh, how'd you guys know?
Patrick: It's on the invitations you sent us. [holds an invitation up] Let's boogie! [everyone parties. The Strangler sits down in SpongeBob's chair. Scene cuts to the end of the party]
SpongeBob: Bye, everybody, thanks for coming! Bye Mr. Krabs, bye Plankton, bye Sandy, bye Larry, bye Pearl, bye Mrs. Puff, bye Squidward, bye eh the rest [everyone else leaves and he walks back into the house and laughs] Ahh, alone at last.
Strangler: What? Huh? Huh? What? Huh? [SpongeBob closes the door] So, we're all alone now?
SpongeBob: Just you, me, and the floorboards. [Strangler and SpongeBob begin laughing again] Yeah. [there's a knock on the door. SpongeBob opens it]
All: Happy birthday, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: How did you guys know today is my birthday?
Patrick: We just do what the invitations say. Let's boogie some more! [everyone parties again. Scene cuts to end of party]
SpongeBob: Thanks for coming! [closes the door][laughs] Alone again.
Strangler: Is it true? Everybody's gone?
Strangler: No more parties today? You got everything you need now? Everybody's left? We're completely alone?
SpongeBob: Oh yeah.
Strangler: In that case... [laughs evilly until Patrick appears out of nowhere]
Patrick: Great parties, huh?
Strangler: Oh... sorry, Tubby, you've gotta go.
SpongeBob: Wait! We can trust Patrick. He's my best friend.
Strangler: Well, I can't take any chances. For all we know, he could be the Strangler.
Patrick: I'm the Strangler? Oh, I should've known! I gotta turn myself in! [runs and breaks through the wall]
SpongeBob: So, Patrick's the Strangler. Gee, you think you know a guy.
Strangler:[growls] He's not the strangler!!!!
SpongeBob: He's not?
Strangler:[rips off his mustache] I am!!!!!!!
SpongeBob: Hey, how'd you do that without shaving cream?
Strangler: Oh, it's a fake, you idiot! I bought it at the party store! [everyone comes back inside]
Squidward: Did someone say 'party'? [Strangler screams and runs out through the wall]
Strangler: I can't take it!
SpongeBob:[runs after him] Wait, bodyguard, I need protection! [Strangler gets into a taxi]
Strangler: Step on it! I'm being chased by a maniac! [SpongeBob chases after the taxi]
SpongeBob: I'm not safe! Come back! [taxi goes to the Bikini Bottom Airport and an airplane takes off]
Strangler: Finally, away from that guy.
SpongeBob:[on the airplane a row behind Strangler] Good idea, bodyguard. He'll never find us up here. [Strangler jumps out of the plane screaming, he opens his parachute, but it is actually SpongeBob] Good thinking, bodyguard. The Strangler could have been on that plane. [Strangler takes out a giant pair of scissors and cuts the strings off the SpongeBob parachute and plummets right into the Bikini Bottom Police Station jail. SpongeBob comes running up to him] Bodyguard, bodyguard!
Strangler: Look, kid. I'm not your bodyguard [cries] I'm the Strangler. See? [looks toward his 'WANTED' poster on the wall]
SpongeBob:[gasps] The Strangler! [police officers walk up]
Officer Nancy: Good work, SpongeBob. You put the Strangler behind bars.
Strangler: Well, at least I'm safe from that yellow idiot.
Patrick: Hey, Mac, [Strangler turns and sees Patrick in the cell with him] what're you in for?