[pans out from Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy "The Dark Tide Rises" poster]
SpongeBob: Wow! Another Mermaid Man reboot. It's how I always re-imagined the reboot would be remade,
SpongeBob:[shivers] Oh, cold knees!
[Salesfish drives by, then parks his boat and jumps out with a suitcase]
Salesfish: Well you see you got cold knees, icy joints like [vivian?] patellas? What you need is a pair of longpants!
SpongeBob: Longpants? [twists around looking at the pants spin around him] Well, I don't think I'm ready for looong pants.
Salesfish: Nonsense, no fellers you walk around with shiver shins! [shows SpongeBob's knees with icicles popping out] Give yourself something to leg up [pulls SpongeBob's legs] Join the trouser troupe! [three businessmen marching and hutting] Don't be a slacker, wear slacks!
SpongeBob: Uh..well..I don't...uhhh...Okay! [peels off his old pants and jumps into the longpants] How do I look?
Salesfish:[takes hat off] Excuse me sir, I was just talking to a little baby schoolboy a second ago, about yay high and...[puts hat on and jumps up][stutters] It's you! I didn't recognize you with your mature, grownup longpants!
SpongeBob: You're pulling my leg, sir, I don't look like a man! Do I?
Patrick: Hey man!
SpongeBob:[jumps] He called me a man! And my knees are a perfect 72 degrees! [pulls out wallet and hands salesfish money]
Salesfish:[walks away with money, bubble transition to the Krusty Krab]
Krustomers:[gasp, talking about SpongeBob's pants while SpongeBob is walking to his workstation]
Customer's son: Is that my daddy?
Customer's mother: I wish! [gawking at SpongeBob]
Mr. Krabs: Uhh, excuse me sir, that door is for employees only, ohh! It's SpongeBob! [sniffs SpongeBob] There's something different about you today? You seem more, able bodied.
SpongeBob: Yah, it must be the long pants! [in manly tone]
Mr. Krabs: So they are! You'll run the register today! [grabs Squidward] Into the galley with you Mr. Squidward, and start cooking!
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs? Why? [sadly]
Mr. Krabs: Well, look, SpongeBob's got longpants on and you've got.. none! [Krustomers ooh]
Squidward:[covers himself, Mr. Krabs throw Squidward into the kitchen, glass shatters, bubble transitions to SpongeBob at the register]
SpongeBob: Ohh! I could get used to this job! Hey Squidward what's on sale this week?
Squidward: Nothing, there is never a sale.
SpongeBob:[pokes head through the serving window] Squidward, how much is the senior discount?
Squidward: There's no senior discount! [looks at burning patties, throws patty onto foot, burns his foot, and grunting and hitting and breaking everything because of the pain]
SpongeBob: What do I do when the register is $2000 dollars short?
Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright, alright, that's enough! [picks up SpongeBob and puts him outside of the register] I see it was a mistake to put you behind the register! Your just looking to good for such a simple meaning of work!
Mr. Krabs: You should be the maitre' d! Greeting customers when they come in! Charming the pants off of everyone with your longpants!
SpongeBob:[laughs] Okay! [walks around Krusty Krab, saying hi to everyone] How is that patty treating you sir? [teeth glisten]
Blue customer: You're an angel!
SpongeBob: No, merely a man, a man in longpants. [elderly spits out soda, missing the longpants, people are spitting food everywhere, just missing SpongeBob's pants, until a ketchup drop stains his pantleg] Oh, my precious longpants!
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, slick? Your not having trouble with your pants, are ye?
SpongeBob: Nothing like that, Mr. Krabs. I just don't think I'm maitre' d material.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you're right, you're too good for this place. [two customers burp]
SpongeBob: As much as I hate to admit it, I've outgrown the Krusty Krab. Time for me to move on! [pulls up pants, leaves The Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Where's he going?
Mr. Krabs: A place called... manhood. [bubble transitions to SpongeBob walking on the streets]
Nancy Suzy Fish: Doris, I insist! [puts hand on check]
Doris: Don't be silly!
SpongeBob: Allow me ladies, I should pay, after all, I am a man, and I'm wearing...[whistles, points at longpants]
Nancy Suzy Fish: What an inseam!
Doris: And those pleats were pretty easy on the eyes!
SpongeBob:[boat splashes water on his pants] AH! Shrimp! Oh, dry cleaning, and one hour! [walks into dry cleaners]
Dave: Uh, ticket please.
SpongeBob: Has it all ready been one hour? One more time! [goes back into the dry cleaning cycle, bubble transitions to SpongeBob at a window, with SpongeBob looking at himself, whistles] Huh? [click, car stops]
Driving Instructor: Congratulations, you passed your driving test!
Mable Jenkins/Lobster: Wahoo!
SpongeBob: You know, I've never took the drivers test with long pants! I'll do it!
Alternate Universe SpongeBob: There goes a real man! [bubble transition to SpongeBob taken the drivers test]
Driving Instructor: Let's try parallel parking. [SpongeBob trying to parallel park] Now take it slow! A little faster?! [SpongeBob crashes into a boat, and then backs up and crashes into the boat behind him several times, driving instructor grunts]
SpongeBob: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this! [boat is upside-down and is on top of another boat]
Driving Instructor: I was gonna fail you, and send you to jail, but because of those longpants, and all the blood rushing to my head, you passed! [hands SpongeBob his license]
SpongeBob: I finally got my drivers license!
Mrs. Puff:[puffs up, sirens wailing] Lock your doors, barr your windows, it's the end of the world! [bubble transition to Fancy! restaurant]
SpongeBob: Help wanted? Now this seems like a longpants establishment! [takes off tie, puts on bowtie][talking to customers] Today's special is a most amusing indian ocean seagrass, handpicked by indigenous prawns, prechewed by local manatees, and smothered in a rich, red algae.
Fancy Fish: Extraordinary. And may I add that those are very impressive breeches you are wearing.
SpongeBob: Breeches? [laughs] Oh, oh, these old things?
Fancy Fish: Well, SpongeRobert, how would you like to join us. We're going to a party.
SpongeBob: Boy, would I! I love parties! [Fancy fish and SpongeBob laughing distinguishably, bubble transition to fancy fish house][SpongeBob looking around]
Fancy Fish: What are you looking for, SpongeRobert?
SpongeBob: I'm looking for the party!
Fancy Fish: This is the party.
SpongeBob:[puts on party hat] Well, were's all the party hats, where's the cake, and the clown? You can't have a party without a clown!
Fancy Fish:[fancy fish and the other fancy fish laughing] Oh, SpongeRobert, if it weren't for your pants, I'd take you for the type of immature ignaramus that would frequent the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: Wait, what's that? [car with poster on back drives by] The Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie is opening tonight! Wow! I totally forgot! [goes back inside] Hey guys, I got an idea! Let's all go to the Mermaidman movie!
Fancy Fish:[laughs] You're incorrigible! But le cinema is a delightful idea. There is a foreign film at the arthouse I've been meaning to see. It's called, "The Table." [jumpshots to the Seven Seas Cinema, and "The Table"]
SpongeBob: I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning.
Squidward: SHH! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema.
SpongeBob: Oh! Hey Squidward! Hey, do you understand what this movie is about?
Squidward: Nobody does, it's art, now sit down!
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward?
SpongeBob: Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise, it's very important because..
Squidward:[interrupts] PLEASE SIT DOWN! [spitting]
Movie Theater Attendant: I'm sorry sir, you're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Squidward:[grunting as he is walking away]
SpongeBob: But wait, Squidward, I'll walk you out. [Squidward continues to grunt] Squidward!
Sandy: Hey SpongeBob, y'all going to see the Mermaidman movie with us?
Fancy Fish: SpongeRobert? Yoohoo? Are you coming? We're going to drink some more coffee and watch the nightly news.
Sandy: Wow, that sounds pretty grown up, SpongeRobert! [mockingly]
SpongeBob: My pants say yes, yes, yes, but my heart says no! I want to see the Mermaidman movie!
Fancy Fish:[laughs] Now you really sound like one of those nitwits that frequents the Krusty Krab!
SpongeBob: Not only am I one of those nitwits, I actually work there! [puts on Krusty Krab Hat and hold up dirty Spatula]
Fancy Fish: Ahh! A peasant in longpants!
Pink Fancy Fish: Social-climbing sponge!
Blue Fancy Fish: Poser!
Fancy Fish: Let's leave this bottomfeeder.
Sandy: That-a-boy! I got you a ticket just in case!
SpongeBob:[gasp] Really! [Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick give ticketman their tickets, and enter the movie theatre, but SpongeBob is stopped]
Ticketman: I'm sorry, you can't come in. This movie is too silly for a cultivated gentleman of your pant length. House rules! [SpongeBob walks over to movie poster]
SpongeBob: What? Rated for those in knee-highs only? Doh! I hate these pants! [tries to undo zipper, grunts while doing][SpongeBob runs to a parking meter and puts his longpants on it, and and stretches his pants] Get off! [a car hits his elongated pants] Oh!, now I know I'm an adult because I've been ripped off by these defective pants! [cries, Mr. Krabs comes out of the movie theater]
Mr. Krabs: What's goin' on? How pathetic, a man, in longpants, crying.
SpongeBob:[sobbing voice] Mr. Krabs, why aren't you watching the movie?
Mr. Krabs: How can I watch the movie with all this blubbering going on out here?
SpongeBob:[regular voice] Oh, Mr. Krabs, I'm not ready for long pants, I want my short pants back, but I can't because these are stuck on me.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, for Pete's sake. [uses his pinchers to snap of SpongeBob's legs, knee down] Sorry 'bout the legs boyo.
SpongeBob:[laughs] It's okay! I'm a sponge, remember? [legs grow back]
Mr. Krabs:[laughs] Well, good! Now, I want you back on the grill tomorrow morning. And if it makes you feel anymore manly, you can do your grilling outdoors!
SpongeBob: Sounds great! And I'll be driving to work.
Driving Instructor: Wait a minute! [he drives up] Oh no you don't! Not with those short pants! [takes the driving license and rips it up]
Mrs. Puff:[in her bedroom with rations and in hunting outfit, shrinks back] I don't know what that was all about, but I'm glad it's over.