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This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "SpongeBob LongPants" from season nine, which aired on February 15, 2016.
  • [pans out from Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy "The Dark Tide Rises" poster]
  • SpongeBob: Wow! Another Mermaid Man reboot. It's how I always re-imagined the reboot would be remade,
  • [wind blows]
  • SpongeBob: [shivers] Oh, cold knees!
  • [Salesfish drives by, then parks his boat and jumps out with a suitcase]
  • Salesfish: Well you see you got cold knees, icy joints like [vivian?] patellas? What you need is a pair of longpants!
  • SpongeBob: Longpants? [twists around looking at the pants spin around him] Well, I don't think I'm ready for looong pants.
  • Salesfish: Nonsense, no fellers you walk around with shiver shins! [shows SpongeBob's knees with icicles popping out] Give yourself something to leg up [pulls SpongeBob's legs] Join the trouser troupe! [three businessmen marching and hutting] Don't be a slacker, wear slacks!
  • SpongeBob: Uh..well..I don't...uhhh...Okay! [peels off his old pants and jumps into the longpants] How do I look?
  • Salesfish: [takes hat off] Excuse me, sir, I was just talking to a little baby schoolboy a second ago, about yay high and...[puts hat on and jumps up] [stutters] It's you! I didn't recognize you with your mature, grownup longpants!
  • SpongeBob: You're pulling my leg, sir, I don't look like a man! Do I?
  • Patrick: Hey, man!
  • SpongeBob: [jumps] He called me a man! And my knees are a perfect 72 degrees! [pulls out wallet and hands salesfish money]
  • Salesfish: [walks away with money, bubble transition to the Krusty Krab]
  • Customers: [gasp, talking about SpongeBob's pants while SpongeBob is walking to his workstation]
  • Customer's son: Is that my daddy?
  • Customer's mother: I wish! [gawking at SpongeBob]
  • Mr. Krabs: Uhh, excuse me, sir, that door is for employees only, ohh! It's SpongeBob! [sniffs SpongeBob] There's something different about you today? You seem more, able bodied.
  • SpongeBob: Yah, it must be the long pants! [in manly tone]
  • Mr. Krabs: So they are! You'll run the register today! [grabs Squidward] Into the galley with you, Mr. Squidward, and start cooking!
  • Squidward: [sadly] But, Mr. Krabs? Why?
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, look, SpongeBob's got longpants on and you've got.. none! [Krustomers ooh]
  • Squidward: [covers himself, Mr. Krabs throw Squidward into the kitchen, glass shatters, bubble transitions to SpongeBob at the register]
  • SpongeBob: Ohh! I could get used to this job! Hey Squidward what's on sale this week?
  • Squidward: Nothing, there is never a sale.
  • SpongeBob: [pokes head through the serving window] Squidward, how much is the senior discount?
  • Squidward: There's no senior discount! [looks at burning patties, throws patty onto foot, burns his foot, and grunting and hitting and breaking everything because of the pain]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward?
  • Squidward: [screams] What?!
  • SpongeBob: What do I do when the register is $2000 dollars short?
  • Mr. Krabs: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Alright, alright, that's enough! [picks up SpongeBob and puts him outside of the register] I see it was a mistake to put you behind the register! You’re just looking to good for such a simple meaning of work!
  • Squidward: [grunts angrily]
  • Mr. Krabs: You should be the maitre'd! Greeting customers when they come in! Charming the pants off of everyone with your longpants!
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] Okay! [walks around Krusty Krab, saying hi to everyone] How is that patty treating you, sir? [teeth glisten]
  • Blue customer: You're an angel!
  • SpongeBob: No, merely a man, a man in longpants. [elderly spits out soda, missing the longpants, people are spitting food everywhere, just missing SpongeBob's pants, until a ketchup drop stains his pantleg] Oh, my precious longpants!
  • Mr. Krabs: What's wrong, slick? Your not having trouble with your pants, are ye?
  • SpongeBob: Nothing like that, Mr. Krabs. I just don't think I'm maitre'd material.
  • Mr. Krabs: Yeah, you're right, you're too good for this place. [two customers burp]
  • SpongeBob: As much as I hate to admit it, I've outgrown the Krusty Krab. Time for me to move on! [pulls up pants, leaves The Krusty Krab]
  • Squidward: Where's he going?
  • Mr. Krabs: A place called... manhood. [bubble transitions to SpongeBob walking on the streets]
  • Nancy Suzy Fish: Doris, I insist! [puts hand on check]
  • Doris: Don't be silly!
  • SpongeBob: Allow me, ladies, I should pay, after all, I am a man, and I'm wearing...[whistles, points at longpants]
  • Nancy Suzy Fish: What an inseam!
  • Doris: And those pleats were pretty easy on the eyes!
  • SpongeBob: [boat splashes water on his pants] AH! Shrimp! Oh, dry cleaning, and one hour! [walks into dry cleaners]
  • Dave: Uh, ticket please.
  • SpongeBob: Has it all ready been one hour? One more time! [goes back into the dry cleaning cycle, bubble transitions to SpongeBob at a window, with SpongeBob looking at himself, whistles] Huh? [click, car stops]
  • Driving Instructor: Congratulations, you passed your driving test!
  • Mable Jenkins/Lobster: Wahoo!
  • SpongeBob: You know, I've never took the drivers test with long pants! I'll do it!
  • Alternate Universe SpongeBob: There goes a real man! [bubble transition to SpongeBob taken the drivers test]
  • Driving Instructor: Let's try parallel parking. [SpongeBob trying to parallel park] Now take it slow! A little faster?! [SpongeBob crashes into a boat, and then backs up and crashes into the boat behind him several times, driving instructor grunts]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this! [boat is upside-down and is on top of another boat]
  • Driving Instructor: I was gonna fail you, and send you to jail, but because of those longpants, and all the blood rushing to my head, you passed! [hands SpongeBob his license]
  • SpongeBob: I finally got my drivers license!
  • Mrs. Puff: [puffs up, sirens wailing] Lock your doors, barr your windows, it's the end of the world! [bubble transition to Fancy! restaurant]
  • SpongeBob: Help wanted? Now this seems like a longpants establishment! [takes off tie, puts on bowtie] [talking to customers] Today's special is a most amusing indian ocean seagrass, handpicked by indigenous prawns, pre-chewed by local manatees, and smothered in a rich, red algae.
  • Fancy Fish: Extraordinary. And may I add that those are very impressive breeches you are wearing.
  • SpongeBob: Breeches? [laughs] Oh, oh, these old things?
  • Fancy Fish: What is your name?
  • SpongeBob: SpongeBob!
  • Fancy! Employee: [grunts]
  • SpongeBob: 'Oh, [distinguished accent] SpongeRobert.
  • Fancy Fish: Well, SpongeRobert, how would you like to join us. We're going to a party.
  • SpongeBob: Boy, would I! I love parties! [Fancy fish and SpongeBob laughing distinguishably, bubble transition to fancy fish house] [SpongeBob looking around]
  • Fancy Fish: What are you looking for, SpongeRobert?
  • SpongeBob: I'm looking for the party!
  • Fancy Fish: This is the party.
  • SpongeBob: [puts on party hat] Well, were's all the party hats, where's the cake, and the clown? You can't have a party without a clown!
  • Fancy Fish: [fancy fish and the other fancy fish laughing] Oh, SpongeRobert, if it weren't for your pants, I'd take you for the type of immature ignaramus that would frequent the Krusty Krab!
  • SpongeBob: Wait, what's that? [car with poster on back drives by] The Mermaidman and Barnacleboy movie is opening tonight! Wow! I totally forgot! [goes back inside] Hey guys, I got an idea! Let's all go to the Mermaidman movie!
  • Fancy Fish: [laughs] You're incorrigible! But le cinema is a delightful idea. There is a foreign film at the arthouse I've been meaning to see. It's called, "The Table." [jumpshots to the Seven Seas Cinema, and "The Table"]
  • SpongeBob: I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning.
  • Squidward: SHH! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema.
  • SpongeBob: Oh! Hey Squidward! Hey, do you understand what this movie is about?
  • Squidward: Nobody does, it's art, now sit down!
  • SpongeBob: Hey Squidward?
  • Squidward: WHAT?!
  • SpongeBob: Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise, it's very important because..
  • Squidward: [interrupts] PLEASE SIT DOWN! [spitting]
  • Movie Theater Attendant: I'm sorry sir, you're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave.
  • Squidward: [grunting as he is walking away]
  • SpongeBob: But wait, Squidward, I'll walk you out. [Squidward continues to grunt] Squidward!
  • Sandy: Hey SpongeBob, y'all going to see the Mermaidman movie with us?
  • Fancy Fish: SpongeRobert? Yoohoo? Are you coming? We're going to drink some more coffee and watch the nightly news.
  • Sandy: Wow, that sounds pretty grown up, SpongeRobert! [mockingly]
  • SpongeBob: My pants say yes, yes, yes, but my heart says no! I want to see the Mermaidman movie!
  • Fancy Fish: [laughs] Now you really sound like one of those nitwits that frequents the Krusty Krab!
  • SpongeBob: Not only am I one of those nitwits, I actually work there! [puts on Krusty Krab Hat and hold up dirty Spatula]
  • Fancy Fish: Ahh! A peasant in longpants!
  • Pink Fancy Fish: Social-climbing sponge!
  • Blue Fancy Fish: Poser!
  • Fancy Fish: Let's leave this bottomfeeder.
  • Sandy: That-a-boy! I got you a ticket just in case!
  • SpongeBob: [gasp] Really! [Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Patrick give ticketman their tickets, and enter the movie theatre, but SpongeBob is stopped]
  • Ticketman: I'm sorry, you can't come in. This movie is too silly for a cultivated gentleman of your pant length. House rules! [SpongeBob walks over to movie poster]
  • SpongeBob: What? Rated for those in knee-highs only? Doh! I hate these pants! [tries to undo zipper, grunts while doing] [SpongeBob runs to a parking meter and puts his longpants on it, and and stretches his pants] Get off! [a car hits his elongated pants] Oh!, now I know I'm an adult because I've been ripped off by these defective pants! [cries, Mr. Krabs comes out of the movie theater]
  • Mr. Krabs: What's goin' on? How pathetic, a man, in longpants, crying.
  • SpongeBob: [sobbing voice] Mr. Krabs, why aren't you watching the movie?
  • Mr. Krabs: How can I watch the movie with all this blubbering going on out here?
  • SpongeBob: [regular voice] Oh, Mr. Krabs, I'm not ready for long pants, I want my short pants back, but I can't because these are stuck on me.
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, for Pete's sake. [uses his pinchers to snap of SpongeBob's legs, knee down] Sorry 'bout the legs boyo.
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] It's okay! I'm a sponge, remember? [legs grow back]
  • Mr. Krabs: [laughs] Well, good! Now, I want you back on the grill tomorrow morning. And if it makes you feel anymore manly, you can do your grilling outdoors!
  • SpongeBob: Sounds great! And I'll be driving to work.
  • Driving Instructor: Wait a minute! [he drives up] Oh no you don't! Not with those short pants! [takes the driving license and rips it up]
  • Mrs. Puff: [in her bedroom with rations and in hunting outfit, shrinks back] I don't know what that was all about, but I'm glad it's over.