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"Sponge-Cano!" (transcript)

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Sponge-Cano!
General
Season №: 7
Episode №: 142b
Airdate: January 28, 2011
Chronology
Previous: "Trenchbillies"
Next: "The Great Patty Caper"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sponge-Cano!" from season seven, which aired on January 28, 2011.

  • [In a live-action area, a book entitled "LEGENDS OF BIKINI BOTTOM" is on screen. It opens up reavealing a title. "Sponge-Cano!". A whole bunch of credits is on screen. The bubbles dissolve into a Moai-like head. It's Squidward's house.]
  • [Squidward is about to paint]
  • Squidward: [hears SpongeBob outside] Is that supposed to be singing? [paint brushes fall on the floor] I am putting that one on SpongeBob. [to SpongeBob] Would you clam up, SpongeBob ? I'm trying to paint in here!
  • SpongeBob: ♪I cherish my fellow residents...♪
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, why are you doing this?
  • SpongeBob: I'm expressing to all the sea an attitude of gratitude!
  • Squidward: Gratitude? What could you possibly be greatful, for?
  • SpongeBob: Hit it, boys! [Slimy Trashcan Monsters appear]♪Oh, I’ve got an whole new, attitude, A life-time subscription to, gratitude, Friend you’ve got to change your, platitude, Live an attitude of, gratitude, I’m grateful for the life I am living, Who knows how long I will have it, I’m thankful for all I’ve been given, We make appreciation a habit, There’s no time like the present day, To have a present come your way, (All you have to do it grab it), So now I think that you will see (you’ll see), There’s nothing more you need, My friend this ain't no, platitude (platitude), Just an attitude of, gratitude (gratitude).♪ Or in your case, Squidward,An attitude of hattitude! [laughs]
  • Squidward: Keep you and your gratitude to yourself! Because having you as a neighbor has left me with nothing to be grateful for! [slips on the paint brushes and falls downstairs, bursting a pipe]
  • SpongeBob: Boy, Squidward, looks like you need your plumbing checked.
  • Squidward: This is all your fault, SpongeBob!
  • SpongeBob: May I help you out?
  • Squidward: No, SpongeBob. Don't help me EVER!
  • SpongeBob: Okay, see ya later. [walks away]
  • Squidward: Moron. [uses his wrench to tighten the pipe, and tightens it up too much] Stupid pipe! [looks at watch] Oh, great. I'm late for work, again!
  • [Bubble transition to The Krusty Krab. Squidward walks inside really fast]
  • Scooter: Whoa! Slow down, Speedster! [laughs]
  • Squidward: Don't jump in a coral pit.
  • Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward, how many times do i have to tell you, the customers' jokes are always funny! Now, give the gentlemen a chuckle!
  • Squidward: Ha ha ha.
  • Scooter: I knew you would soon get it dude.[laughs. SpongeBob is looking at Squidward]
  • Squidward: Stop staring, SpongeBob.
  • Sandals: I would like to order one Krabby Patty.
  • Squidward: That'll will be 3 dollars.
  • Sandals: [with many pennies] Do you accept pennies?
  • Squidward: I don't have time to count all that!
  • Sandals: Oh, well have it your way. I'll just take my loose change, ELSEWHERE!
  • Squidward: Oh, please do, I'm trying to get some work done here. Sheesh, some people just want to waste your time. [Fred is tapping his feet] Hey, buddy, how am I supposed to focus with all of that insesant tapping? And what do you think you're doing, sir?
  • Nat: I'm holding the door for the nice lady!
  • Squidward: No, you're not. You're leaving your grummy finger prints all over the glass! And now yours truly is gonna have to clean it up! Why does everyone insist on making my job so difficult?! [to Dale] You always leave trash on the table! [to Mabel] Your teeth chatter! [to orange fish with a hat] Your hat annoys me! [to blue fish] You take too long in the restroom! [to SpongeBob] And SpongeBob, would you quit singing that song?
  • SpongeBob: What's the matter, Squidward. Don't you have an attitude of gratitude?
  • Squidward: [sighs] SpongeBob, I hate my job, and I live in a dead end town with neighbors I can't stand. I'm the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom! What do I have to be thankful for?
  • SpongeBob: Well, it could be worse.
  • Squidward: How could life in Bikini Bottom POSSIBLY get any worse?
  • [a volcano erupts]
  • Nat: Mount Bikini Bottom's erupting!
  • SpongeBob: That's how.
  • Lloyd: Ooh.
  • Scooter: Look, the roof! [lava and fire is burning down the Krusty Krab,and everyone runs around screaming]
  • Mr. Krabs: Eh, ya lemons. Afraid of a little lavar?[lava splashes on cash register] CASHY! Noo! Make it stop raining fire of destruction! [sobs]
  • SpongeBob: Sorry to interupt your crying, Mr. Krabs, but shouldn't we get to a place that at least doesn't have a roof with lava coming through it? [everyone evacuates] Fear not, shelter can be found--
  • Mr. Krabs: Oh, why even bother, SpongeBob? Can't you see? The civilization as we know is crumbling to dust! [a hideous close-up is shown] Civilic orders is in tatters. It's every man for himself, there's no other way. I'm gonna need your life essence! [grabs SpongeBob and Squidward]
  • Old Woman: [to Mr. Krabs] What are you boys doing out still? Plenty of room at the Volcano Shelter! Now, I'll have no more roughhousing, you got that?!
  • Mr. Krabs: [lets go] Oh, yes. Of course, ma'am. [to SpongeBob and Squidward] Try and behave yourselves, fellas.
  • [Cut to a building with a sign reading, "Volcano Shelter" on it. Inside, citizens argue angrily.]
  • Mayor: No need to get excited, citizens. The government is working tirelessy to defeat this evil volcano.
  • [a member of the crowd angrily smashes the nameplate that reads "MAYOR".]
  • Billy: What are we gonna do?
  • Mayor: Don't worry. We've got it under control.
  • Billy: [jerks on the mayor] Under control? Half the city is on fire! You call THAT under control? Huh? Do ya? [the two of the police fish take him away] The end is near, Mayor.
  • Harold: That guy's on to something. What are you hiding from us, Mayor? Do you have some secret? Is the end near?
  • [the crowd of citizens angrily stretches their arms, but SpongeBob raises his hand.]
  • SpongeBob: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, please. I've got something.
  • Mayor: Yes, boy? How do you purpose we stop the volcano?
  • SpongeBob: [takes out parking tickets] Actually, I just had a question about these parking tickets. I don't have a car.
  • Squidward: Oh, boy. Morons.
  • Mayor: WE'RE DOOMED!
  • [a shadowy figure appears in the doorway, laughing. The figure reveals to be a humanized dolphin holding a staff.]
  • Dolphin Warrior: [laughs] You fools!
  • [The crowd of Bikini Bottom citizens looks at the dolphin flying on his staff. He lands on behind the mayor's desk.]
  • Mayor: Who are you?
  • Dolphin Warrior: [laughing] I am an ancient warrior from long ago. The last of my kind who ruled over the ocean from before the dawn of time. But, alas, my people were wiped out by the same volcano that plagues you now.
  • Harold: Then how did you survive?
  • Dolphin Warrior: [laughs] I survived, because I was the only one who knew how to stop it!
  • Harold: Well, don't keep us in suspense. How did you stop it?
  • Dolphin Warrior: You must make... A SACRIFICE!
  • [everyone gasps "what the"]
  • Harold: What kind of sacrifice?
  • Dolphin Warrior: A sacrifice must be made of the most miserable person.
  • Harold: I knew it! We have to sacrifice the most miserable person!
  • Monica: And who would that be?
  • Harold: Well, it certainly isn't me! [The crowd of citizens argues, pointing at each other. We look at SpongeBob, Squidward, and Krabs, as the citizens continue pointing at each other.]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward, who do you think is the most miserable person?
  • Squidward: Don't know, don't care. [walks away]
  • SpongeBob: But, Squidward, it's imperative that we...
  • Squidward: [imitating SpongeBob] But, Squidward, it is imperative that we... [regular voice] NOTHING! I think I'd rather take my chances with the volcano than be stuck in this miserable barnacle hole with you, [the citizens who continue arguing hear Squidward talking] and the citizens of Dumb-Dumb Town!

  • Man: Oh, oh, we're idiots now! Oh, nice! Nice!

  • Woman: I'm a solitary smart woman.
  • [A group of citizens walks to the exit of the stage, where they equip their torches and pitchforks, forming a mob to make a sacrifice.]
  • Squidward: What? [The mob of citizens angrily carrying Squidward marches to the volcano.] You idiots. You've got the wrong guy!
  • Male Fish #1: We heard you complaining about the fingerprints.
  • Male Fish #2: And the foot-tapping.
  • Sandals: And my loose change.
  • Mabel: And my teeth, [points to another fish with a hat] and his hat.
  • Scooter: And you called your pipe stupid.
  • Lloyd: And the fact that you said you were the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom! [plays tape recorder]
  • Squidward: [on the tape recorder] I'm the most miserable person in Bikini Bottom! [grumbles] Let me down, you goons!
  • Mayor: Sorry, Mr. Tentacles. Throw him in, fellas.
  • Squidward: NOOOOOO!!!!
  • SpongeBob: WAIT! It was I who made Squidward miserable. Throw ME in instead.
  • Mayor: Works for me!
  • [The trio puts Squidward down, to prevent him from sacrificing.]
  • Squidward: Well, I'm glad that y'all came to your senses. Bunch of ingrates. C'mon, SpongeBob. Jump in. [Squidward steps on the ledge; it breaks and Squidward falls and holds on to other ledges]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward!
  • Squidward: Ahhh! SpongeBob, HELP!
  • SpongeBob: I'd love to, Squidward, but you said to not help you ever again! And that being my neighbor left you with nothing to be grateful for. I made a promise!
  • Squidward: I take it back! [screaming] Please, SpongeBob, I didn't mean any of that! I do appreciate your friendship. I am grateful. I'm...I'm... [cries] I'm grateful for the life I'm living! Who knows how long I'll have it? I learned that from you, remember? Goodbye, everyone! [the cliff crumbles and Squidward falls and screams] Huh?
  • SpongeBob: [grabs him] Squidward, I always knew you felt that way. [pulls him up] Aw, buddy. Thanks for finally opening up to us.
  • [the pipe at Squidward's house bursts causing it to fall into the volcano. everyone except Squidward cheers]
  • Squidward: MY HOUSE!
  • Dolphin Warrior: Ah, now the volcano is appeased!
  • Squidward: But I thought you said a sacrifice had to be made of the most miserable person.
  • Dolphin Warrior: [chuckles] No! You didn't let me finish. I was trying to say, a sacrifice of the most miserable person's HOUSE. No one ever listens to me. [laughs as he flies away on his scepter]
  • Squidward: You know, SpongeBob. In light of everything that just happened... I lied to you. I'm not grateful for anything! I mean look at me. I don't even have a roof to sleep under, anymore!
  • SpongeBob: Well, I wouldn't say that. [bubble transition to SpongeBob going to bed with Squidward]
  • Squidward: Go away. [turns out lights. Cut to black.]
{:}

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