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Something Smells
Season №: 2
Episode №: 22a
Airdate: October 26, 2000
Previous: "Squid's Day Off"
Next: "Bossy Boots"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Something Smells" from season two, which aired on October 26, 2000.

  • [The exterior of SpongeBob's pineapple is shown. The scene zooms into the interior of the pineapple, SpongeBob's bed room. His alarm clock goes off. SpongeBob gets up, still in his tighty-whities, puts his blanket on like a cape, and uses the wind of the alarm clock to "fly" at his big calendar. He lands on the 20th day, which is a Sunday]
  • SpongeBob: Wow, it's Sunday, Gary! Guess what's for breakfast?
  • Gary: Meow.
  • SpongeBob: [The scene changes to show the two his kitchen. SpongeBob opens the door.] That's right! [puts a bowl on the kitchen counter] A sundae! [runs to the freezer and finds it empty] Whoops... Looks like we're out of ice cream. Guess I'll have to use something else... Ketchup! [Runs back to the bowl with a big bottle of Ketchup. He squeezes a bunch of ketchup into the bowl. He runs over to a cupboard] Hmmm... Bananas... Cherries... Boring. [closes cupboard door] Ah, here we go! Onions! [runs up to the counter with two sacks that say "onions" on them] Ready, Gary?
  • Gary: Meow. [Plays a violin while SpongeBob cries while peeling the onions into the bowl]
  • SpongeBob: Just one more thing! Pea... [opens up another cupboard but finds an empty jar] ...nuts. Gary! [He walks over to Gary while shaking the empty jar] Our peanuts jar is totally empty! [Gary burps] Hmmm... [snaps fingers] Wait! I know one other place we can find peanuts. [looks in the bathroom and finds a peanut plant in front of the window] Good thing I still have these peanut plants growing in the windowsill. [throws the plant into the sundae bowl] A little texture never hurt. There we go. [gets out a spoon] This sundae's gonna taste great! [He turns around] Aren't you going to help me, Gary? Gary? Oh, well. More for me! [takes a few spoonfuls. Scene cuts to SpongeBob coming out of the kitchen with a bunch of stink coming out with him. He drops his spoon while Gary hides behind a coral plant] You know what they say, Gary. I'm easy like Sunday morning. ["morning" comes out of SpongeBob's mouth and wraps itself around Gary's eyes, twisting them. The scene changes to show SpongeBob outside his house] Okay, let's see my to-do list. [takes out a big long list] Go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work, go to work.. [his list "droops"]wait, that's not right. I need the one for Sunday. [takes out a small piece of paper] Ah, here we go. 'Say hi to everyone in Bikini Bottom'. [runs off. Scene cuts to SpongeBob running up to a citizen] Hello. [citizen runs off in disgust of his bad breath. SpongeBob waves] Some people are even late on Sunday. [SpongeBob notices a mailman] Hi, mailfish! [mailman breaks his skin into a smaller fish and then into another smaller fish. SpongeBob notices a crossing guard] Hi, Mrs. Crossing Guard! [crossing guard gets a whiff of his bad breath]
  • Mrs. Crossing Guard: Mother of mercy! [children walk across the street and then the sound of a crashing car sounds but its revealed to actually be a parade]
  • SpongeBob: Wow! A parade! Hi, parade! [the band stops] Hi tuba player, hi drummer, hi guy with the cymbals, hi trumpeter, hi tambourine girl, hi timbale man, hi didgeridoo player, [didgeridoo player wears a big skirt, hat, sunglasses] hi triangle player, hi guy with the kettle drum, hi pianist, hi guy with the flute. And heeelllooo, Dolly! [the stench ball rolls down the street, knocking the band out like a bunch of bowling pins and scattering them about. They all run out wailing in pain and disgust. The whole town is soon deserted]
  • Fish bands: My leg! My leg! [they all run away from the stench]
  • SpongeBob: Was it something I said? [he walks down the street] Something weird is going on today. Everyone is running away from me. And now... [he notices a giant pink wad on a bench] ...giant piles of bubble gum?! Oh, what next? [Patrick's head pops out from it]
  • Patrick: Hi, SpongeBob. [his appendages form from the wad]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Patrick. I'm confused.
  • Patrick: Yes, I am.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, everyone is running away from me. Watch. [he walks over to a building] Hi, building! [the stench bounces off the building, and it slowly moves away. SpongeBob walks back to Patrick] I just don't get it.
  • [the stench goes toward Patrick, but bounces off him, as he has no nose]
  • Patrick: I don't either. Maybe it's the way you're dressed. [pan up slowly at SpongeBob's clothes, looking fancy]
  • Both: Nah.
  • Patrick: Maybe it's your voice. [SpongeBob laughs for an extended time, then stops]
  • SpongeBob: Good one, Patrick.
  • Patrick: Well, maybe it's just because you're ugly.
  • SpongeBob: Ugly? [he puts a finger in his mouth, wipes his forehead with it, then strikes a pose. A spotlight goes off] You gotta be kiddin' me..
  • Patrick: Better try the reflection test. [he pulls out a large mirror]
  • SpongeBob: [to his reflection] Hi. [the stench hits his reflection, and the reflection takes a hammer and breaks the mirror. Pat peeks through it]
  • Patrick: Ugly.
  • SpongeBob: Oh no! I can't be ugly! I can't be! I can't be ugly! [he runs up to a couple] Am I ugly? [the two catch a whiff on the stench. The husband pulls down a hook, the two bites down on it and the hook is reeled in. SpongeBob runs off and latches onto a car's windshield] Am I ugly? [the stench goes around the glass and hits the woman]
  • Driver: My eyes!
  • SpongeBob: Oof I'm ugly... [cut to night at SpongeBob's house. Lightning strikes repeatedly as Patrick walks in]
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, can I borrow some bath beads? [he walks through the dark house. He opens the library door. It's pitch dark, except for a light from the fire. SpongeBob mournfully plays Phantom of the Opera-style organ music. Patrick walks up to him, and he stops playing] SpongeBob? [the lights go on, and SpongeBob turns. He's wearing a Groucho Marx-esque nose and glasses, and a dark cape. He turns his back to Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Go. Run away like all the others. No one would want a friend as ugly as I am. [he hits down on the organ]
  • Patrick: Sure they would! It makes them feel better about the way they look! Maybe a story will cheer you up. [he picks SpongeBob up, without glasses or cape, up and puts him in his comfy chair] It's called, 'The Ugly Barnacle.' [SpongeBob listens attentively] Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died! The end. [Patrick grins, oblivious to his story's bad message]
  • SpongeBob: That didn't help at all. [he starts sobbing] How long? How long have I been ugly, Patrick?
  • Patrick: As long as I can remember. You poor ugly thing, you. [SpongeBob clings on Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Help me! I'm so ashamed! I'm spiraling! I'm spiraling! [Patrick smacks SpongeBob in the face, twisting his head around] Thanks Patrick. [Patrick holds his hand up again, and SpongeBob stops him, stammering] It's okay, Patrick. Spiraling, over.
  • Patrick: Just do what I do when I have problems. [screaming] Scream! [SpongeBob is covered with spit from Patrick. Patrick grabs SpongeBob and runs off] Come on buddy I'll help you. [cut to SpongeBob and Patrick on the roof] Okay now, say it. [SpongeBob hesitates] Say it.
  • SpongeBob: I can't.
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, you're never going to feel better unless you get this thing off your chest. [we see SpongeBob has a alien-like leach sucking on his chest]
  • SpongeBob: I know, Patrick. [he pulls it off and throws it aside]
  • Patrick: Say it. Say it.
  • SpongeBob: I'm ugly.
  • Patrick: You're ugly and what...?
  • SpongeBob: Square?
  • Patrick: No. Proud.
  • SpongeBob: I'm ugly and I'm proud.
  • Patrick: Good! Say it louder.
  • SpongeBob: [louder] I'm ugly and I'm proud.
  • Patrick: Louder.
  • SpongeBob: [louder] I'm ugly and I'm proud.
  • Patrick: Louder!
  • SpongeBob: [yelling] I'm ugly and I'm proud! [pan over to Squidward's roof, where he's tanning] I'm ugly and I'm proud! I'm ugly and I'm proud!
  • Squidward: Is that what he calls it? [SpongeBob is breathing heavily]
  • SpongeBob: That felt great! I feel empowered.
  • Patrick: So whaddya wanna do now?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. How about a movie? [cut to 'The Reef' movie theater. SpongeBob and Patrick walk into a crowded theater. The two go down the front row] Pardon me. Ugly Sponge coming through. [two fish smell SpongeBob's breath, their pupils turn to crosses, and they float upward]
  • Patrick: People respect self esteem. [he and SpongeBob sit down in the two now empty seats. SpongeBob leans over to a woman sitting next to him]
  • SpongeBob: Hi. I am very ugly. But you should enjoy the movie anyway. [the stench burns the woman's eyes, complexion, and hair off, and her head is now all charred. SpongeBob leans over Patrick to the man beside Patrick, who is a blue version of Fred] Excuse me, sir. I hope my horrible ugliness won't be a distraction to you.
  • Fred: Not at all, boy. [Smells SpongeBob's bad breath. Makes a sourly disgusted expression, screams out a disgusted noise, and then quickly runs away]
  • Patrick: [to SpongeBob] Don't worry about him, SpongeBob. He's just a- [he notices his friend crying] SpongeBob? SpongeBob, what's wrong?
  • SpongeBob: [sobbing]I can't do this, Patrick! I've tried, and I've tried, [he turns around, revealing an extremely deflated face] but I'm not always as confident as I look. Maybe I'd better just go back and hide. [Patrick goes from sad to angry]
  • Patrick: [loudly] What is wrong with you people?! [he stands up, dropping his food in the process] Afraid to look ugliness in the face? [he picks up SpongeBob] Well, here! Look at it! [the stench pours into the audience] It's ugly, isn't it?! [he points SpongeBob at five people] You look at it!
  • SpongeBob: Hello.
  • [The fish run off. Patrick points SpongeBob at a larger group of people]
  • Patrick: You look at it!
  • SpongeBob: Hi.
  • [The fish run off.]
  • Patrick: [points SpongeBob at the whole audience] Look at it! [the entire room empties out] Look at it! Look at it! Look at it! I want all of you to look at it!
  • [Everybody screams in terror and they all run out of the theater in a panic. Patrick and SpongeBob are all alone in the theater]
  • SpongeBob: They all ran away, Patrick.
  • Patrick: I bet there's no line at the snack bar. [cut to the snack bar. Patrick leans over the counter] Hello...? Hello...? They must be on break.
  • [Patrick looks bummed out]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, wait, Patrick! I just remembered. [he reaches in his pocket and pulls out some of his sundae] I've got some of my peanut-onion sundae we can share!
  • [The fume of it floats past Patrick, burning off his eyebrows]
  • Patrick: That looks great! [closes his mouth on SpongeBob's hand, and sucks out the sundae. Patrick sighs with relief, but he starts to feel funny, His stomach makes engine spluttering noises] Oh, I gotta go to the restroom! [he runs off. Cut to the bathroom, where Patrick and Martin their hands at the sink] I'm out of soap, can I borrow-
  • : [the stench reaches the guy]
  • Martin: Stay back!
  • Patrick: I just want some-
  • [Martin takes out some money]
  • Martin: Here! Here's my money! [he drops it] Take it! Take it and go away!
  • [Martin runs off]
  • Patrick: My hands aren't that dirty... [he walks over to a line of three fish waiting at a stall] Hey, you guys want to hear a bathroom joke?
  • [Patrick's breath reaches the fish and they make disgusted noises.]
  • Indignant Fish: You tryin' to kill us?!
  • [The fish walk out murmuring. Patrick looks in the mirror.]
  • Patrick: [In shock] Oh... Oh! I caught the ugly!
  • [SpongeBob walks in]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, is everything okay in here? [he hears Patrick sobbing. He opens a stall door and sees Patrick sitting on the toilet with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick?
  • Patrick: Wouldn't you like to know?
  • SpongeBob: And why is that bag on your head?
  • Patrick: Why? Oh, no reason. Except you gave me the ugly! [he whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps. Patrick walks out] What am I gonna do? I can't go out looking like this!
  • SpongeBob: Just remember what we talked about. There's power in pride.
  • Patrick: That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches SpongeBob and he holds his nose in disgust] I'm almost as ugly as you! I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do.
  • SpongeBob: Patrick...?
  • Patrick: What's my mom gonna say?
  • SpongeBob: [plugging his nose] Patrick?
  • Patrick: Oh my gosh, if my sister finds out, wait, I don't have a sister, if the bank, I mean it's one thing if you have bad shoes, or even bad hair, but... [SpongeBob screams at Patrick]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick! You're not ugly. Your breath stinks. Really bad. [Patrick sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of a skull and crossbones]
  • Patrick: Ahhhhhhhh, what a relief...
  • SpongeBob: [his eyes water from the foul smell] Arrgh, barnacles, Patrick! What did you eat?!
  • Patrick: Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
  • SpongeBob: No, I mean just this morning.
  • Patrick: Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...
  • SpongeBob: What else?
  • Patrick: Well, I had some of your sundae.
  • SpongeBob: Sundae... [he whips what's remaining of it out] Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!
  • Patrick: Whatcha mean? [SpongeBob coughs as Patrick's breath flies by him]
  • SpongeBob: I mean, we're not ugly, we just stink!
  • Patrick: Stink? [the two cheer and run around in circles chanting]
  • Both: We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink! We stink!
  • [The fumes encompass the entire theater and it dissolves to the ground. SpongeBob and Patrick run out and run up to Squidward, who is looking through the window of a wig shop]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, guess what, Squidward?
  • Both: We stink! [the two hug Squidward, and then run off, still cheering] Oh yeah! We're smelly! I reek! Smell me! [the two run off until they're out of sight]

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