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Sold! (transcript)

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Transcript Information [edit]
Sold!
General
Season №: 9
Episode №: 199a
Airdate: May 6, 2016
Chronology
Previous: "CopyBob DittoPants"
Next: "Lame and Fortune"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sold!" from season nine, which aired on May 6, 2016.

  • [the episode opens up at Patrick's rock, where Patrick is watching his TV]
  • Meredith: Did you get stuck in the pet door again?
  • Isopod: I ain't gonna lie to you, Meredith, [we see the isopod stuck in a pet door], I am NOT a happy camper!
  • Patrick: [laughs]
  • Announcer: We'll be right back, with "The Giant Isopod Stuck in the Pet Door" show, after these messages!
  • Nick Fishkins: Homes, homes, homes, homes, homes! I'm Nick Fiskins and I wanna buy your home!
  • Patrick: [confused] What?
  • Nick: You heard me, I wanna buy your home!
  • Patrick: But my home's not for sale.
  • Nick: [suddenly buff] It doesn't matter to me, any condition, [we see Nick lifting a barbell with two homes at the ends] any size, I'll buy your home! Sold!
  • Patrick: [drops pizza and juice box] Sold? Where am I gonna live now?
  • [the scene transitions to SpongeBob blowing a feather into the air. He sees Patrick with a sack]
  • SpongeBob: What's happening, Patrick, you going on a hike?
  • Patrick: It's a forever hike.
  • SpongeBob: A forever hike?
  • Patrick: Yeah. All because of Nick Fishkins.
  • SpongeBob: Who's Nick Fishkins?
  • Patrick: He shows up on television, and buys your home and there's nothing you can do about it. [saddened] Now I am doomed to walk the seas without a home.
  • SpongeBob: Aw, don't worry, Patrick, you can move in with me. We'll be roommates!
  • Patrick: Wow!
  • [transition to a shot of SpongeBob's pineapple at nighttime. Inside, SpongeBob and Patrick watching TV while eating chips and popcorn. SpongeBob changes the channel, which happens to be the same commercial Patrick saw].
  • Nick: I'm Nick Fishkins and I wanna buy your home! Sold!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick scream and spit out their popcorn. The scene then transitions to SpongeBob, Patrick, and Gary, all with sacks, walking to the back of the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: Well, we might as well spend the night here. [takes Gary off his head]It's not so bad. We could make a home out of all this trash!
  • Patrick: [inside a broken bathtub while holding a steering wheel] Don't forget to make a garage for our new boat! [laughs]
  • [transition to Squidward's house, where's it the crack of dawn. We hear a crowing sound]
  • Squidward: [he wakes up from his slumber, only to realize something is strange] Hm? Huh, how strange. Usually I wake up each morning with a dark feeling of dread gnawing at my stomach. But today, I feel positively...happy! [scene transition to Squidward walking happily with a rainbow over his head, singing] ♪Smilin' rainbows, smilin' sun, smilin' rocks, and vegetation! Look ma, I'm dancing, and hear my song! The world is lovely when nothing is wrong! Everything's smiling, yes even me! Is this what they call feeling happy?!♪ [he walks through the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs is grabbing a trash bag from the trash can. As Squidward walks by happily, he takes Mr. Krabs arm holding the trash. He proceeds to walk to the dumpster]
  • SpongeBob: [offscreen] Morning, Squidward!
  • Squidward: Good morning, SpongeBob! [he tosses the trash and Mr. Krabs arm into the dumpster. As he proceeds to walk back into the Krusty Krab, he stops and realizes why he was so happy] Oh, that's why I felt great this morning, there was no SpongeBob.
  • Patrick: [offscreen] Hi, Squidward!
  • Squidward: [he sees SpongeBob, Patrick, Gary, looking like wrecks, relaxing around their newly-built house of trash] Oh, what did you numbskulls do with the trash?
  • SpongeBob: [the camera zooms out to reveal the entire house] Built a house. [a table holding a barrel, two pillows, and a photo falls over]
  • Squidward: What the -- why?
  • Patrick: Cause Nick Fishkins bought my home and then he bought SpongeBob's home.
  • SpongeBob: So now we live here.
  • Squidward: Oh, why didn't you just use the money that Nick Fishkins gave you to rent a room or buy a new home?
  • Patrick: Well, he hasn't paid us yet!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, he said it right on the TV, "I wanna buy your home!" But we haven't seen any money!
  • Squidward: Ohhh...let me get this straight. You saw a TV commercial of Nick Fishkins saying he would buy your home and without meeting him or signing anything, you believe your homes have been sold? Now doesn't that seem weird, even to you?
  • Patrick: Really weird!
  • Squidward: Oh, listen you dumb-- [Squidward stops talking, and realizes that SpongeBob and Patrick moving out is a positive thing. He imagines himself in front of his house, forming a rainbow that destroys SpongeBob and Patrick's homes. After this, he makes a creepy smile] Uh, you know, looks like you guys got Fishkinned, and well, there's nothing you can do about that! [chuckles]
  • [transition to the next day, at dawn, where a clam is seen crowing like a rooster. SpongeBob wakes up in his "bed", drinks from a thrown-out soup can, and takes a "shower", which is actually Patrick dumping trash on SpongeBob. After this, SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: Ready for work, Mr. Krabs!
  • Mr. Krabs: [sees SpongeBob looking like a wreck] Wait a minute! What's the matter with you, boy? [view shows SpongeBob looking like a wreck] You like you slept in a pile of trash!
  • SpongeBob: A pile-of-trash house! Patrick and I built one out back with all your garbage!
  • Mr. Krabs: With my garbage? On my land?! I'll be chargin' ye a reasonable rental fee.
  • SpongeBob: [shocked] How much?
  • Mr. Krabs: Hmm...your paycheck oughtta cover it!
  • SpongeBob: Gee, I didn't know being homeless was so expensive.
  • [transition to Squidward in his cashier boat]
  • Squidward: [checking his watch] Ah, work is done! [puts his hat in his pocket] Now I can go home to a SpongeBob-free zone and rearrange my doily collection!
  • SpongeBob: [runs up to Squidward] I miss the old neighborhood! I think I'm gonna visit my old house tonight!
  • Squidward: Uh, no, no, you don't wanna do that!
  • SpongeBob: Why?
  • Squidward: Well, a family has moved in there, with a lot of kids, and they don't like to be disturbed.
  • SpongeBob: How many's a lot?
  • Squidward: Oh, like, pfft, 12 kids!
  • SpongeBob: But if I just ask politely to visit do you think they--
  • Squidward: And they don't speak English! Uh, the Fishtraps only speak...German!
  • [SpongeBob, saddened by this, deflates]
  • Patrick: [on a table eating garbage] Maybe I can move in with whoever's in my house.
  • Squidward: No no no, uh, a band lives there now!
  • Patrick: A rock band?
  • Squidward: Um, yes.
  • Patrick: Cause my house is a rock?
  • Squidward: Yes, a big rock band with like eight people and all sorts of musical equipment so there's only room for musicians! [he leaves the Krusty Krab]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, I could learn German!
  • Patrick: And I could learn what "learn" is.
  • [transition to Squidward's house, at night. Inside, Squidward is reading a magazine while relaxing music plays on his record player]
  • Squidward: Mmmm, nice! Ah, it's like a beautiful dream! So peaceful, no more aggravation! [he hears someone knocking on SpongeBob's pineapple. He looks outside and sees SpongeBob] What is that porous terror up to now? Oh no, he's expecting a big family that speaks German! [Squidward runs into his closet, grabs supplies, and runs to SpongeBob's house. He open's SpongeBob's door, dressed in a Tyrolean hat and lederhosen] Uh, German hallo?
  • SpongeBob: Ack! Guten morgan! My name is SpongeBob! (Ach! Guten morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob!)
  • Squidward: Say what?
  • SpongeBob: Guten morgan! My name is SpongeBob! I came here to visit my old home. (Guten morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob! Ich bin gekommen um mein altes Heim zu besuchen.)
  • Squidward: Uh, please, vould you speaken-zee English, I need za bractize!
  • SpongeBob: Huh? Oh, ya, I mean, sure, good morning! My name is SpongeBob, what is your name?
  • Squidward: Umm...Gerhard.
  • SpongeBob: Well, hello, Gerhard, I used to live here. Just stopped by to visit my old home.
  • Squidward: Ach, meine Neptune, uh, now is nein such a good time mit the wife and zuch!
  • SpongeBob: [while Patrick is walking behind SpongeBob] Wife? Where is she?
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob.
  • Squidward: [panicked] She's shy...well, I must be going! Mine wifenz calling me for zupper! She is a fine Gutenchef of Fudenschlop!
  • SpongeBob: Um, would you mind if I stay for zupper? [SpongeBob enters his pineapple] Whatchya having?
  • Squidward: Umm...kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz.
  • SpongeBob: Kerglooginpfiefer, that's my favorite! Uh, what's your wife's name?
  • Squidward: I don't know...Hedvig! [Squidward grabs SpongeBob and puts him into his chair] Dunt movin! Not a schtepp! [SpongeBob tries to get out of chair, but Squidward rushes and stops him] Nein, nein! No moven sie! Sitz! [Squidward rushes back to his house, grabs more supplies, and rushes to Patrick's house. Patrick knocks on his rock, and Squidward open it, dressed as a rock star] Hey, man, like, what's happening?
  • Patrick: I missed my house, and I was hoping I could move back in.
  • Squidward: Oh, sorry, dude, no room. This place is, like, filled with band members and musical instruments.
  • Patrick: What do you play?
  • Squidward: Oh, pfft, the electric clarinet.
  • Patrick: There's no such thing!
  • Squidward: [a little nervous] Sure there is.
  • Patrick: Prove it!
  • Squidward: I'll be right back! [Squidward runs back to his house, grabs his clarinet, puts a speaker in it, grabs a bunch of musical equipment, then runs back to Patrick's house. The camera then zooms over to SpongeBob in his chair]
  • SpongeBob: Oh, Gerhard! Are you coming back?
  • Squidward: [he pops up behind Patrick's rock, and sneaks back to SpongeBob's pineapple, still in his rock band outfit]
  • SpongeBob: Hello! [SpongeBob gets out of his chair and shakes Squidward's hand] You must be Hedvig!
  • Squidward: Hedvig? [now pretending to be Hedvig] Oh, oh yeah, that's me, Hedvig!
  • SpongeBob: I have heard so much about your kerglooginpfiefer mit schlusinberry klabber sauz! Can't wait to try it.
  • Squidward: One-- [in Hedvig's voice] One second! [Squidward grabs a trash can full of garbage, dumps it on a plate, and gives it to SpongeBob] Tonight's zupper is to go, so please, to go!
  • SpongeBob: Well aren't your twelve little German children gonna sing for me while I eat?
  • Squidward: I don't have children! [realizing what he said] I mean- I mean, yeah, yeah, outside please! [Squidward pushes SpongeBob outside]
  • SpongeBob: I love outdoor concerts.
  • [Squidward closes SpongeBob's door and rushes back to Patrick's house. He opens the rock to reveal himself playing an "electric" clarinet. Patrick is satisfied by this]
  • Squidward: Uh, groovy enough for ya, man?
  • Patrick: That was great! You should give lessons to my ex-neighbor, Squidward! He stinks!
  • [Squidward growls, closes Patrick's rock, then runs back to SpongeBob's house. Patrick itches his back and walks to SpongeBob's front entrance, where he sees SpongeBob.]
  • Patrick: What's going on?
  • SpongeBob: Shhh! The Fishtrap children are gonna sing!
  • Squidward: [with puppets on his tentacles] ♪We are der little kiddiewinks, der kiddiewinks, der kiddiewinks, we are der little kiddiewinks, we love to sing all day!♪
  • SpongeBob: [eating part of his "ker gloupen veisher mit schvodenberryclabasous"] I think the littlest kiddywink is off-key.
  • Patrick: They need a band. I'll go talk to the guys that live in my old place, and see if they can come over to play along!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah!
  • Squidward: [frustrated by this] That's it, I'm done! [he takes off his wig and puppets]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward!? What are you doing in the Fishtraps' house?
  • Squidward: You idiots! It's not the Fishtraps' house, it's your house, and that is still Patrick's house! You just saw a commercial -- that's all!
  • Patrick: So...is Nick Fishkins gonna live in my house?
  • Squidward: [stops growling] He doesn't live in the houses he buys.
  • SpongeBob: Well if he doesn't live in them, what does he do with them?
  • Squidward: He flips the houses, you dimwits! He buys houses then resells them for a profit! He flips houses for a living!
  • Patrick: He flips houses for a living?
  • Squidward: Yes! And I'm calling Nick Fishkins right now to come over and flip my house, so I can move away! [walks away mumbling angrily]
  • SpongeBob: Poor Squidward. We should do something really nice for him!
  • Patrick: [gets an idea] I know!
  • [the scene transitions to SpongeBob and Patrick each holding an end of Squidward's house]
  • SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick! On the count of three! One...two...three! [SpongeBob and Patrick literally flip over Squidward's house, while Squidward is screaming inside. His house proceeds to fall upside down. Then, Nick Fishkins pulls up]
  • Nick: Say, is this the home of Squidward Tentacles? The one that was for sale?
  • SpongeBob: Sure is!
  • Nick: Yeesh. This place is a wreck! I'm Nick Fishkins and I do not wanna buy this home! Not sold! [a sign saying "NOT SOLD!" appears in front of Nick. Nick then drives away]
  • Squidward: [coming out from the top of his flipped home] What happened?
  • SpongeBob: We flipped your house for ya.
  • Squidward: Who's that driving away?
  • Patrick: That was Nick Fishkins.
  • Squidward: And what did he say?
  • Patrick: He said "Yeesh! Who'd wanna live in that thing? Not sold!"
  • Squidward: I...I can't believe you did that!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick return to their homes]
  • SpongeBob & Patrick: Your welcome!
  • [Squidward's house crumbles into pieces]
  • Squidward: Ow! Ach du lieber... [the episode ends]

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