Slide Whistle Stooges/transcript

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• (Squidward wakes up at his house in a burgandy bathrobe and runs into the shower. When he brushes himself, he hears a comical whistling noise that goes along with his motions.)

Squidward: Huh? What's that? Hm. Must be hearing things. (He goes outside and breathes in the air.) Squidward: Ahh... Smell that fresh morning sea! (He hums to himself, and the whistling noise can be heard as he bends over and stands back up to get the newspaper, which is sealed in plastic.) Squidward: Huh? Must be hearing things... Again! (He hears the noises as he shakes the bag and the newspaper slides out.) Squidward: What is that noise!?! (SpongeBob and Patrick laugh offscreen.) Squidward: Ah, I should have guessed. It's too early for this! (They laugh again.) Squidward: Alright, you two! (Squidward stomps on two lumps under his front mat.) Squidward: What is the meaning of this!?! (He lifts the mat to reveal the two, SpongeBob with a slidewhistle.) SpongeBob: (Repeating) What is the meaning of this!?! (The two stand up, accompanied by the noise.) SpongeBob: We're slidewhistling! Squidward: Don't you mean, "playing the slidewhistle?" SpongeBob: Squidward, slidewhistling is more than just simply tooting on an instrument! It's a way of life! Let's show him, Patrick! (They pull the ring out on the slidewhistle, and Squidward's front door opens simultaneously. Then, the two dart inside.) Squidward: Hey! Get out of here! (He cannot find them, but they laugh from somewhere.) Squidward: Alright, you two morons! Show yourselves! (They come out of the lampshade on the light that hangs over Squidward's kitchen table.) SpongeBob: You see, Squidward? Slidewhistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life. Squidward: I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! (Squidward jumps onto the table threateningly, but the disappear. SpongeBob and Patrick are now seen in a potted plant.) Squidward: Get out of there! (SpongeBob blows into his slidewhistle, which makes the plant levitate and float upstairs. Squidward growls in anger. When he gets upstairs, the two are swirling around the sills of the circular windows.) Squidward: Just get out of there! (They fly out and land on two of Squidward's paintings. They somehow become a liquid and take the form of two Squidward's faces, which were on the paintings.) Squidward: OK, that's enough! You've had your fun. SpongeBob: True, Squidward, True. We have had our fun. But you know what's twice as much fun!?! (Pops out of the painting with two slidewhistles. He give one to Pat.) SpongeBob: ...Twice as many slidewhistles! After you, my good man. Patrick: Thanks, buddy! (He plays the whistle and floats towards the window, SpongeBob close behind.) Squidward: Not the windows again! (He opens the windows, and the two float out. As soon as they do, he slams them shut.) Squidward: Gotcha! They're gone. Whew! Now if they'd just stay out of my house, I might be able to enjoy a little squid time. (Squidward hears the noise as he pours himself some tea, so he shuts the blinds as SpongeBob and Patrick laugh from outside. Throughout the day, he performs various activites, such as sipping his tea, making his bed, brushing his teeth, cleaning his toilet and turning the pages of his book, all the while SpongeBob and Patrick playing the slidewhistles and laughing. It eventually becomes too much for Squidward.) Squidward: I gotta get out of here! (Squidward breaks through the door.) SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! Squidward is finally playing along! (Squidward runs off, but SpongeBob and Patrick follow with thier slidewhistles.) Squidward: Go away!!! Can't you idiots take a hint!?! (He runs into the Goo Lagoon, and they follow with mermaid tails, playing their slidewhistles. Squid escapes by surfacing and then running into a cave.) Squidward: I think I lost 'em. (The two appear and make noises whenever Squidward breathes. Squidward retalliates by taking Sponge's slidewhistle.) Squidward: How would you like it if someone did this to you!?! (Squidward starts playing it.) SpongeBob: Alright! (SpongeBob and Patrick do a weird dance.) SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward! You have got quite an ear for music! Squidward: Why don't you... I do? SpongeBob: Yes, my friend. You got the goods! Squidward: Well, uh, heh... That is true... SpongeBob: Come, play some more, maestro! Me and Patrick want to dance to your sa-weet tunes! Squidward: (Chortling) Well... If you insist... SpongeBob & Patrick: Oh, we insist! Squidward: OK! (The three start slidewhistling. They go to Barg-N-Mart and make whistling noises to the automatic door opening and closing.) Cashier: Hello? (The door closes again.) Cashier: Well, that's unusual. (He goes back to reading, but it whistles everytime he turns the page.) Cashier: (Confused) What is that!?! (He goes to the door.) Cashier: Who's there!?! (Squidward laughs behind the register.) Cashier: Who's back here!?! (He hears the slidewhistle as the door closes again and he goes outside the store.) Cashier: Alright, this isn't funny! Come on jerk, you think you can mess with me!?! (The three pranksters giggle. Later, the three are marching in tune with the slidewhistles.) Squidward: Watch this! (Squidward goes into a lady's baby carriage dressed up with a baby bonnet and diaper. He makes baby gibberish noise and jumps out of the stroller.) Squidward: Ha, ha, ha!!! Fish #1: Aaaahh!!! Someone help!!! Baby assaulter!!! (A mob forms and shouts at Squidward as he uses his slidewhistle to float in the air.) Fish #2 (Dave): Assault your own baby! Fish #3 (Fred): Get back down here! Squidward: If you say so! (He falls into a manhole with the slidewhistle sound effect.) SpongeBob: Patrick, are you thinking what I'm thinking? (Patrick is thinking about removing bellybutton lint.) Patrick: Probably not. (Squidward watches a couple from a streetlight sitting on a bench.) Fish #4 (Nancy): Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! I promise it'll never happen again. (She and her boyfriend hug, and Squidward wolf-whisltes with the slidewhistle. The boyfriend, a really buff fish, walks over to the closest fish.) Fish #5: Can I help you...? (He punches the fish in an uppercut, and the fish flies off.) Fish #6: Liar!!! Fish #7: She's not lying. (Mob appears with torches.) Fish #7: She speaks the truth. Someone wicked has disturbed our peaceful city, Frank. Fish #6 (Frank): But who would do such a thing? Fish #7: Squidward! Squidward Tentacles! He lives on Conch Drive! Fish #6 (Frank): What? Fish #7: Yes! We must capture him. He must pay for his wrong doings! (The mob cheers.) Fish #8 (Gus): He's going to pay! He's going to pay with interest! Fish #9: He's going down! (Squidward runs by, playing a taunting tune.) Fish #7: Come on, let's get him! (They chase after him.) SpongeBob: Patrick, do you think Squidward is taking this a little too far? Patrick: He's only a block away. (Some police officers see the riot.) Policefish #1: What do you make of it, sarge? Policefish #2: It looks like a full scale riot. I'm calling for backup! (He speaks into his radio.) Policefish #2: Get me the canine unit! (Squidward plays on the top of a building and laughs. The K9 Unit arrives with worms barking and growling.) Squidward: Would you like some more!?! (He plays something so high-pitched that only the worms hear it. They start to foam at the mouth.) Policefish #3: Wait! Wait, you stupid worms! (He screams out as the worms maul his face.) Policefish #3: I was supposed to retire this week!!! Squidward: Let's give them a grand finale they'll never forget! (He lands in the back of a gasoline tanker and taunts the trucker, who can't concentrate and spills his soda.) Trucker: Huh? What is that!?! (Squidward snickers and slidewhistles to the steering wheel being turned.) Trucker: I can't work under these conditions! (He puts on a helmet and jumps from the vehicle out of irritation.) Squidward: Now you're in the driver's seat, Squiddy! (He drives with his feet and is paying more attention to the slidwhistle than the road.) Squidward: This is great! (Civilians scatter as he drives straight through the Chum Bucket. Mr. Krabs laughs from across the street.) Mr. Krabs: Well, Plankton finally got what he deserved. ...WOAH! STOP!!! (Squidward drives right through the Krusty Krab next.) (Mr. Krabs sniffles and then begins crying. Squidward drives up a ramp, over a row of boatmobiles, through an Evel Kinevel-style ring of fire and down another ramp without even noticing of realizing it.) Squidward: I've never felt so alive! I don't wanna stop! (SpongeBob and Patrick pull up along side of Squidward, Patrick in the driver's seat.) SpongeBob: Squidward, are you sure you don't wanna stop? Squidward: What are you talking about, nitwit? SpongeBob: Up ahead!!! Squidward: What up ahead!?! (Squidward realizes that he is about to go over a cliff. When he tips off the side, he does one more slidewhistle noise when he plummets. There is a huge mushroom-cloud explosion followed by a long pause.) All: (Except SpongeBob and Patrick) YAY!!! (SpongeBob and Patrick play taps on their slidewhistles. Cut to the Bikini Bottom Hospital emergency room. Squidward is in a full body cast.) Doctor: Your friend is very lucky. If it wasn't for that slide whistle getting lodged in his throat, the rescue team might have never found him. (The slidewhistle is lodged in Squidward's throat and it plays whenever he tries to speak.) Doctor: His yelling... Or whistling, I should say? ...under all that rubble saved his life. SpongeBob: Doctor, why did you leave the whistle in his throat? Doctor: Unfortunately, we don't have the technology to remove it yet. But on the bright side, he can still communicate with it. SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here! We'll help. (They play their slidewhistles to a nurse performing CPR on a guy. The patient comes to, and the four laugh. Then, they slidewhistle to a guy breathing on a ventilator, and then those three laugh. Finally, they whistle to the doctor sewing up another patient's stitches in their chest, and they all laugh once more.)