Squidward:[Wakes up, jumps into the shower, and starts to brush himself when he starts hearing a slide whistling noise every time he moves the brush] Huh? What's that? Hmm, must be hearing things.
[Goes outside and breathes in]
Squidward: Ahhhh... smell that fresh morning sea! [Singing to himself] ♪La da dum dum dee.♪
[Bends down to pick up the newspaper and hears the slide whistling noise. The same happens when he stands back up]
Squidward: Huh? Must be hearing things... Again!
[Slide whistling noises happen when he shakes the bag and when the newspaper slides out]
Squidward:[Breathes out. hears the slide whistle] What is that noise?!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing]
Squidward: Ahhhh.... I should have guessed. It's too early for this.
[SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing again]
Squidward: Alright you two! [SpongeBob and Patrick are seen as lumps under Squidward's front mat. He stomps on the lumps] What is the meaning of this?!
[Squidward lifts up the mat]
SpongeBob: What is the meaning of this?! [SpongeBob and Patrick laugh. They stand up with the slide whistle effect] We're slide whistling!
Squidward: Don't you mean, "Playing the slide whistle?"
SpongeBob: Squidward, slide whistling is more than just simply tooting on an instrument! It's a way of life! Let's show him Patrick.
[Squidward's door opens with the slide whistling effect. SpongeBob and Patrick run inside]
Squidward: Hey! Get out of here! Huh? [Squidward looks around and doesn't see them. SpongeBob and Patrick are heard laughing]
Squidward: Alright you two morons! Show yourselves!
[They slide out from the dining room light with the slide whistle effect]
SpongeBob: You see Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life.
Squidward: I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! [Squidward jumps onto the table to get them out but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant]
Squidward: Get out of there!!!
[SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door]
Squidward: Grrrrr... [SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows] Just get out of there!!! [They land onto Squidward's paintings. as the shape of Squidward's head] Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun.
SpongeBob: True Squidward, True. We have had our fun. But you know what's twice as much fun?! [Pops out of the painting] twice as many slide whistles!!! After you my good man. [hands Patrick a slide whistle]
Patrick: Thanks buddy! [Patrick floats out of the painting and across the room. SpongeBob follows. They start to head toward the windows]
Squidward: Not the windows again! [Runs to the window and opens it] Gotcha! They're gone. Whew! Now if they'd just stay out of my house, I might be able to enjoy a little squid time.
[Squidward makes himself a pot of tea.. The slide whistle effect happens when he pours the tea into the cup.. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh. Squidward closes the blinds and then sits down to drink his tea. The slide whistle effect is also here.. SpongeBob and Patrick laugh outside.. SpongeBob and Patrick continue this when Squidward is making his bed, when he brushes his teeth, cleans the toilet, and reads]
Squidward:[getting angry, about to explode] I gotta get out of here!!!
[SpongeBob and Patrick are laughing when Squidward walks through the door, shattering it]
SpongeBob: Look Patrick! Squidward is finally playing along.
[SpongeBob and Patrick follow Squidward while he is running away from them. They, of course, have their slide whistles]
Squidward: Go away!!! Can't you idiots take a hint?! [Squidward keeps running. Squidward runs into Goo Lagoon with SpongeBob and Patrick following him.. SpongeBob and Patrick are shown as mermen underwater, SpongeBob and Patrick have their slide whistles and are playing along with Squidward's movements.. Squidward swims into a cave and starts running. He breaks through the back of the cave and stops to catch his breath]
Squidward: I think I lost 'em. [SpongeBob and Patrick are there whistling every time Squidward takes a breath.. Squidward takes SpongeBob's slide whistle]
Squidward: How would you like it if someone did THIS to you?! [Squidward starts playing through a fit of rage]
SpongeBob: Alright! [SpongeBob and Patrick dance along to Squidward's whistling.. SpongeBob and Patrick are floating around and dancing for a while when Squidward puts down the slide whistle and gives up, so we think]
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward! You have got quite an ear for music!
Squidward:[yelling] Don't you... I do?
SpongeBob: Yes my friend. You got... the goods!
Squidward: Well, uh...ha... that is true...
SpongeBob: Come, play some more maestro. Me and Patrick want to sing to your saweeet tunes!
Squidward: Well... If you insist...
SpongeBob: Oh! We insist!
[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward all start slide whistling.. Scene cuts to the Barg'n-Mart. The door opens]
Dennis:[looks up] Hello?
[Door closes with the slide whistle effect]
Dennis: Well that's unusual. [Keeps reading. Slide whistle effect happens when he turns the pages]
Dennis:[angrily] What is that?! Who's there?! [Squidward behind the cashiers desk, laughs] Who's back here?!
[Doors close with the slide whistle effect.. Dennis looks behind him.. He hears the doors again]
Dennis:[Runs out of the store] Alright! This isn't funny! Come on jerk! You think you can mess with me?! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward laugh.. Scene cuts to the streets of Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward march with slide whistles playing in a chorus]
Squidward: Watch this! [Shows Sally pushing a baby carriage. Squidward plays a note on the slide whistle from inside the carriage.. Sally looks down]
Squidward: Goo goo wa wa goo goo wa goo goo he ha wa... [Jumps out of the carriage] ha ha ha!
Sally:[screams] Someone help! Baby assaulter!
[Squidward in a crowd of people floats up with the slide whistle effect]
All:[yelling at him] phrases heard amidst the crowd: Go assault your own baby "Hey! Get back here!", etc.
Squidward:[Laughs while in midair] If you say so. [Floats down with the slide whistle effect and into a manhole]
SpongeBob: Patrick, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
[Shows Patrick with a thought cloud digging out bellybutton lint]
Patrick: Probably not.
[Squidward goes up through a streetlight and hears a couple]
Nancy: Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I promise it'll never happen again. [Nancy and Frank hug.. Squidward plays the slide whistle.. Frank gets up. Lenny walks along]
Lenny: Can I help you... [Frank punches Lenny in the face]
Fish: She's not lying. [angry mob appears with torches and pitchforks] She speaks the truth. Someone wicked has disturbed our peaceful city, Frank. [captions version Man: She's not lying, she speaks the truth, someone wicked has disturbed our peaceful city, Frank]
Frank: But who would do such a thing?
Fish: Squidward! Squidward Tentacles! He lives on Conch Drive!
Fish: Yes, we must capture him. He must pay for his wrong doings!
Angry Mob: He's going to pay! He's going to pay with interest! He's going down!
[Squidward slide whistles by]
Another Fish: Come on, let's get him!
[Angry mob runs after Squidward]
SpongeBob: Patrick, do you think Squidward is taking this a little too far?
Patrick: He's only a block away. [crowd yelling. Policemen see the angry mob]
Police officer: What do you make of it, Sarg?
Sergeant: It looks like a full scale riot. I'm calling for backup. [On his radio] Get me the K-9 unit!
[The riot looks up and sees Squidward on top of a building with the slide whistle... captions version Looks like a full scale of riot, I'm calling for backup, get me the K-9 unit.][crowd yelling. Squidward laughs. All talking at once. The cops show up and then the K-9 unit]
Squidward: Would you like some more?! [Squidward makes a high-pitched noise on the slide whistle]
K-9 Handler:[The worms begin turning rabid] Wait! Wait, you stupid worms! [The worms start to attack him and he screams] I was supposed to retire this week!!!
Squidward: Let's give them a grand finale they'll never forget!
[Squidward slide whistles his way into the back of a semi truck pulling a gas tanker.. The driver shifts gears and the slide whistle noise happens. The driver starts to drink some coffee and the slide whistle noise happens. ]
Driver: Huh? What is that?!
[Squidward silently laughs to himself. The driver turns the steering wheel and the slide whistling noise happens]
Driver: I can't work under these conditions! [The driver puts on a helmet and jumps from the truck and rolls.. Squidward sits in the drivers sit]
Squidward: >Now you're in the driver's seat Squiddy! Squidward does the slide whistle noises and isn't paying attention to the road at all. [All the fishes scream as he accelerates and drives through the chum bucket]
Mr. Krabs:[laughs] Well, Plankton finally got what he deserved. [Then Squidward drives through the Krusty Krab.. Mr. Krabs starts crying]
Squidward:[headed toward a ramp and through a ring of fire] I've never felt so alive! [Clears the jump] I don't wanna stop!
[SpongeBob and Patrick pull up in a car]
SpongeBob: Squidward, are you sure you don't wanna stop?
Squidward: What are you talking about nitwit?!
SpongeBob: Up ahead!!!
Squidward: What up ahead?! [Squidward sees a cliff.. As he goes over the edge, he plays the slide whistle from high to low.. The tanker crashes.. Pause. Everyone but SpongeBob and Patrick cheer happily about Squidward's death.. SpongeBob and Patrick play a funeral march on the slide whistle.. Scene cuts to the Bikini Bottom Hospital]
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Your friend is very lucky. If it wasn't for that slide whistle getting lodged in his throat, the rescue team might have never found him. [The slide whistle starts going crazy in Squidward’s throat]
Doctor Gill Gilliam: His yelling, or whistling I should say, under all that rubble saved his life.
SpongeBob: Doctor, why did you leave the whistle in his throat?
Doctor Gill Gilliam: Unfortunately, we don't have the technology to remove it yet. But on the bright side, he can still communicate with us.
[The slide whistle starts going crazy again. Squidward is actually moving the slide whistle in a fit of anger, attempting to scream at SpongeBob and Patrick]
SpongeBob: Wow Squidward, listen to you! You're getting better already! Here we'll help. [SpongeBob and Patrick raise their slide whistles.. SpongeBob and Patrick go around the hospital playing the slide whistle to CPR, a guy on a ventilator, and Gill Gilliam stitching Nat up]