[Outside the Krusty Krab, a man is knocking on the doors]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a suit wants to come in before we open.
Mr. Krabs: What? Guy in a suit? No, it's a tax collector! [jumps inside SpongeBob] Hide us, SpongeBob! [takes the register in with him] Now we'll walk nonchalantly to the rear exit. [Mr. Krabs legs stretch out of SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs starts walking with them, lifting SpongeBob off the ground. The man knocks on the door again but holds up a business card]
Squidward: He's got a card. [reading business card] R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending Supplies.
Mr. Krabs: What? My machine has arrived?! Oh, let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in. [gets out of SpongeBob, who returns to his normal shape and size]
R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in, boys. [a worker brings in the machine, while another worker looks around the place]
Mr. Krabs: That's it, set her down easy.
R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are the keys, Mr. Krabs. [as he hands Mr. Krabs the keys.] Happy vending!
Squidward: What is it?
Mr. Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the Krabby Patty. [as he reveals the machine covered up with a blanket] Gentlemen, meet Skill Crane.
SpongeBob: Ooh. Skill Crane.
Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing will pay for itself in no time. Which reminds me, step up boys. First one's free. [takes out two golden coins]
SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. [takes coin]
Squidward: No, thanks, I'll pass.
Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Squidward, you know you want to.
Squidward:[sighs] Okay, if you insist. [takes coin and puts it in his pocket] Thanks.
Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the machine!
Squidward: All right, all right. [puts coin in machine and moves crane] Oh, boy, what fun. [crane almost pulls out a dinosaur]
Skill Crane: You lose!
Squidward:[Suddenly goes berserk] Did you see that, SpongeBob? I almost got that on my first try!
Mr. Krabs:[Satisfied] My work here is done. [walks away]
Squidward: They don't call me Squidward 'Manually Dexterity' Tentacles for nothing. [moves his tentacles up and down and so does SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Well, why don't I give it a try? [as he pulls out the quarter and puts it in the machine]
Squidward: Haha, good luck. You'll…
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: It's a bear! I'm gonna call you Beary.
Squidward: Hmph, beginner's luck. Now it's the master's turn. [puts another coin in and grabs a cat. He mashes a button that says "Grab" but the crane drops the cat]
Skill Crane: Loser!
SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you flipped him over. [as Squidward looks at SpongeBob] That takes an awful amount of skill.
Squidward: Well, thank you for saying so.
SpongeBob: Beary says he's getting lonely. Don't worry, Beary, I'll get you a friend. [enters a coin in Skill Crane]
Squidward: Ha! If you think you're winning that thing again…
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: There ya go, Beary. [shows a pink, fat bear with her tongue sticking out]
Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up for you. You would've never won that without my skill.
SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your help, Squidward. [walks off]
Squidward: Hmph. I bet I win at this thing the very next time I try. Now all I have to do is… [thought bubble with Mr. Krabs in it appears above Squidward]
Mr. Krabs:[echoing] At a quarter a pop, this thing pays for itself in no time.
Squidward: Ha! I'm not falling for that malarkey. [later, Squidward is behind the register]
SpongeBob:[Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a blue prize animal from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs as Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a rabbit from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs again as Skill Crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed pink prize animal from Skill Crane] Hey, Squidward. [laughing from the kitchen] Okay, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Beary cooked this one all by himself. Oh, he makes me so proud.
Skill Crane:[distinct scratchy voice] Squid…ward. [crane swinging back and forth] Squid…ward.
Squidward:[sighs] Oh, what the… Alright. Let's get this over with.
Mr. Krabs: Need some change? [Squidward hands him the dollar, swipes it out of his hand, and gives him four coins in exchange] There ya are.
Squidward: Gee, thanks.
Mr. Krabs: No, no, Mr. Squidward. Thank you. [Squidward inserts coin in machine]
Skill Crane: You lose.
Mr. Krabs: Need some more change? [gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on losing over and over, dollar after dollar]
Skill Crane: You lose!
Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
Mr. Krabs: What? Why?
Squidward:[softly] Because... I'm... all... out... of... [yelling at Mr. Krabs]MONEY!!
Mr. Krabs: All out of…? Hmmm. [later, comes out of his office] Boys, it's payday.
SpongeBob:[gasps] But, Mr. Krabs, today is Monday.
Mr. Krabs: What the... No. It's payday, me boy. Here's your check, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Money, money, money, money, money!
Mr. Krabs: I took the liberty of turning your paycheck... [as he shows Squidward the bag of quarters] ...into quarters. Just in case you wanna... oh, I don't know, do laundry or [as he jiggles the bag] buy a soda or... something.
Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I can't win one of those stupid things with this quarter, I'm walking away.
Narrator:[reading time card] Six hours later…
SpongeBob:[Squidward sitting on ground with empty bag over head] Pardon me, Squidward. SpongeBear, Jr. here wants me to win him a little brother. [Squidward scoots to the side while SpongeBob inserts a coin into the machine]
Skill Crane: You are a winner! [two prizes come out]
SpongeBob: Two in one quarter? That's not fair. [puts in one of the prizes] What's that clown frown? Oh, you'd rather sit next to lovely lion? [takes the crane and moves the prizes around] There you are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward.
Squidward:[scoots his way into his house and then sits on his couch and sighs] A little mind-numbing television ought to help me forget about that stupid machine. [tries to pick up the remote but every time he tries, he fails because of the crane coming into his mind. He then uses his eye instead to press a button on the remote] Yeeowwww! [he slides off the couch. Now he's in bed] You've had a rough day, Squiddie. But that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better. [tries to pull his covers but he can't because of the crane coming into his mind] Oooh, phooey!! [he shivers for a few seconds, gets up and then tries to pick up the glass of water by his bed but drops it and breaks it] I gotta win that crane! [he runs through his closet door and gets the piggy bank, which cries a teardrop. He then runs to the Krusty Krab. Later, SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab and freaks out at what he sees when he enters] Just once! Please, oh, please, let me win one time!
SpongeBob: Squid, I think you have a problem.
Mr. Krabs: No, he doesn't. You don't listen to him, Squidward. You keep playing until you win! [takes out all the quarters that were put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A piece of rolled paper drops into the bucket] What's this?
Squidward: The deed to my house.
Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, then. Carry on.
Squidward:[sobbing] If I can just win once, I'd never play again! [bawling]
SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you the secret of how to win on this machine?
Squidward:[gasps] SpongeBob, there's a secret?
Squidward: Tell me... [as his eyes get bigger] the... secret.
SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a winner?
Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?!
SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, okay. I face the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my eyes.
Squidward: Close your eyes?
SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I'm being the crane.
Squidward: Oh, that's ludi...
Skill Crane: Winner!
SpongeBob: See? Now you try.
Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I close my eyes, how will I know where the...
SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win or not?
Squidward:[presses face against machine] Yes! Yes, I do!
SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, put your quarter in.
Squidward: But this is my last quarter.
SpongeBob: In the machine, Squidward.
Squidward: Okay, okay. [he puts the quarter in the machine]
SpongeBob: Close your eyes. [Squidward does] Now be the crane. [while SpongeBob is telling him this, Squidward is playing the game] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane.
Skill Crane: Winner!
Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I could do it! [laughs] I'm a winner!
SpongeBob: You're a winner!
Squidward: I am a winner, aren't I? [jumps up and down] Winner, winner, winner! [twirls] Wiiiiiinner! [over loudspeaker] I'm a winner, everybody! You hear that?! [cricket chirps in the empty restaurant. Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs' office, holds the teddy bear] I'm... a winner.
Mr. Krabs: That's funny. Last time I checked, you were a cashier.
Squidward: Yuck it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just remember, you're yucking [looking] in the presence of a winner! [shoves the bear in his face] Ha! [runs out the door]
Mr. Krabs: I'll try to remember that. [as he counts all of Squidward's quarters] 3,498 of Squidward's quarters... 3,499 of Squidward's quarters.
SpongeBob: Triple decker, on deck.
Squidward:[slams door in SpongeBob's face] Make way for the winner! [door opens to SpongeBob having the triple decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion]
Skill Crane: You lose! [Billy sighs]
Squidward: You didn't win the prize?
Squidward: You know what that means?
Billy: No, what?
Squidward: It means... you have no skills and you're a loser! [laughs] I'm a winner, see my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries! [he laughs for a moment, then Billy kicks Squidward in the leg] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [later, Squidward and SpongeBob are walking out of the Krusty Krab] Did you see how I handled that crane?
SpongeBob: I sure did.
Squidward: I think I had the magic touch.
Squidward: I just closed my eyes and became the crane.
SpongeBob:[getting exasperated] Oh, yeah, you're the man.
Squidward: SpongeBob, look. [a real crane is just a few yards away. Squidward runs to it]
SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, I don't think the same principles apply.
Squidward: Be the crane.
SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. [picks up an I-beam]
SpongeBob: He did it. Yay, Squidward!
Squidward: Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the…
Construction Worker: You know this guy?
SpongeBob: Yeah, that's Squidward. He's got the magic touch. [pokes the construction worker] Ding. [Squidward knocks a bunch of buildings over with the I-beam; a sign reads "Your New Mall". The construction worker is ready to explode] Tada! [notices the mess] Ah! Squidward, open your eyes!
Squidward:[opens eyes] Oh, uhh, be the crane. Be the crane. [can't control crane; he whacks the workers with a beam] Look out, SpongeBob. I can't stop! [crane chases after SpongeBob & the workers; SpongeBob's eyes bug out so he runs away on them] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Okay, don't be the crane! Don't be the crane! [Everybody runs in terror into the Krusty Krab. The crane spins around fast and heads towards the Krusty Krab and as the workers and SpongeBob duck, Squidward destroys it]
Mr. Krabs: What the?!
Squidward: Oh, my. Ohhh, my. Uhh... Time to go, Teddy. [bumps into large construction worker]
Construction Worker: Just where do you think you're going, crane master? [All workers surround Squidward, ready to beat him up]
Construction Worker #2: You ain't going anywhere.
SpongeBob:[whistles] Hang on, buddy. I got ya. [uses crane to get Squidward but instead gets his prize] I guess I can only pick up toys.
Squidward:[workers growl] Uh-oh! [fade to black, ending the episode]