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Skill Crane (transcript)

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Skill Crane
General
Season №: 4
Episode №: 64a
Airdate: May 20, 2005
Chronology
Previous: "Have You Seen This Snail?"
Next: "Good Neighbors"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Skill Crane" from season four, which aired on May 20, 2005.

  • [Outside the Krusty Krab, a man is knocking on the doors]
  • Squidward: Mr. Krabs, some guy in a suit wants to come in before we open.
  • Mr. Krabs: What? Guy in a suit? No, it's a tax collector! [jumps inside SpongeBob] Hide us, SpongeBob! [takes the register in with him] Now we'll walk nonchalantly to the rear exit. [Mr. Krabs legs stretch out of SpongeBob, and Mr. Krabs starts walking with them, lifting SpongeBob off the ground. The man knocks on the door again but holds up a business card up]
  • Squidward: He's got a card. [reading business card] R.A. Penny Pincher: Vending Supplies.
  • Mr. Krabs: What? My machine has arrived?! Oh, let 'em in, let 'em in, let 'em in. [gets out of SpongeBob, who returns to his normal shape and size]
  • R.A. Penny Pincher: Bring it in, boys. [a worker brings in the machine, while another worker looks around the place]
  • Mr. Krabs: That's it, set her down easy.
  • R.A. Penny Pincher: Here are the keys, Mr. Krabs. [as he hands Mr. Krabs the keys.] Happy vending!
  • Squidward: What is it?
  • Mr. Krabs: Only the greatest money maker since the Krabby Patty. [as he reveals the machine covered up with a blanket] Gentlemen, meet skill crane.
  • SpongeBob: Ooh, skill crane.
  • Mr. Krabs: At a quarter a pop, this thing will pay for itself in no time. Which reminds me, step up boys. First one's free. [takes out two golden coins]
  • SpongeBob: Thanks, Mr. Krabs. [takes coin]
  • Squidward: No, thanks, I'll pass.
  • Mr. Krabs: C'mon, Squidward, you know you want to.
  • Squidward: [sighs] Okay, if you insist. [takes coin and puts it in his pocket] Thanks.
  • Mr. Krabs: Squidward! In the machine!
  • Squidward: All right, all right. [puts coin in machine and moves crane] Oh, boy, what fun. [crane almost pulls out a dinosaur]
  • Skill Crane: You lose!
  • Squidward: [Suddenly goes berserk] Did you see that, SpongeBob? I almost got that on my first try!
  • Mr. Krabs: [Satisfied] My work here is done. [walks away]
  • Squidward: They don't call me Squidward 'Manually Dexterity' Tentacles for nothing. [moves his tentacles up and down and so does SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Well, why don't I give it a try? [as he pulls out the quarter and puts it in the machine]
  • Squidward: Haha, good luck. You'll…
  • Skill Crane: Winner!
  • SpongeBob: It's a bear! I'm gonna call you Barry.
  • Squidward: Hmph, beginner's luck. Now it's the master's turn. [puts another coin in and grabs a cat. He mashes a button that says "Grab" but the crane drops the cat]
  • Skill Crane: Loser!
  • SpongeBob: Wow, Squidward, you flipped him over. [as Squidward looks at SpongeBob] That takes an awful amount of skill.
  • Squidward: Well, thank you for saying so.
  • SpongeBob: Barry says he's getting lonely. Don't worry, Barry, I'll get you a friend. [enters a coin in the skill crane]
  • Squidward: Ha! If you think you're winning that thing again…
  • Skill Crane: Winner!
  • SpongeBob: There ya go, Barry. [shows a pink, fat bear with his tongue sticking out]
  • Squidward: Oh, I loosened that one up for you. You would've never won that without my skill.
  • SpongeBob: Wow, thanks for your help, Squidward. [walks off]
  • Squidward: Hmph. I bet I win at this thing the very next time I try. Now all I have to do is… [thought bubble with Mr. Krabs in it appears above Squidward]
  • Mr. Krabs: [echoing] At a quarter a pop, this thing pays for itself in no time.
  • Squidward: Ha! I'm not falling for that malarkey. [later, Squidward is behind the register]
  • SpongeBob: [skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a blue prize animal from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs as the skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a rabbit from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [he sighs again as the skill crane makes the sound of a winner. SpongeBob walks by with a two-headed pink prize animal from the skill crane] Hey, Squidward. [laughing from the kitchen] Okay, Mrs. Wiggles, order up. Barry cooked this one all by himself. Oh, he makes me so proud.
  • Skill Crane: [distinct scratchy voice] Squid…ward. [crane swinging back and forth] Squid…ward.
  • Squidward: [sighs] Oh, what the… Alright. Let's get this over with.
  • Mr. Krabs: Need some change? [Squidward hands him the dollar, swipes it out of his hand, and gives him four coins in exchange] There ya are.
  • Squidward: Gee, thanks.
  • Mr. Krabs: No, no, Mr. Squidward. Thank you. [Squidward inserts coin in machine]
  • Skill Crane: You lose.
  • Mr. Krabs: Need some more change? [gives Squidward more coins but Squidward keeps on losing over and over, dollar after dollar]
  • Skill Crane: You lose!
  • Mr. Krabs: Need some change?
  • Squidward: No.
  • Mr. Krabs: What? Why?
  • Squidward: [softly] Because... I'm... all... out... of... [yelling at Mr. Krabs] MONEY!!
  • Mr. Krabs: All out of…? Hmmm. [later, comes out of his office] Boys, it's payday.
  • SpongeBob: [gasps] But, Mr. Krabs, today is Monday.
  • Mr. Krabs: What the... No. It's payday, me boy. Here's your check, SpongeBob.
  • SpongeBob: Money, money, money, money, money!
  • Mr. Krabs: I took the liberty of turning your paycheck... [as he shows Squidward the bag of quarters] ...into quarters. Just in case you wanna... oh, I don't know, do laundry or [as he jiggles the bag] buy a soda or... something.
  • Squidward: Very funny, Mr. Krabs. If I can't win one of those stupid things with this quarter, I'm walking away.
  • Narrator: [reading time card] Six hours later…
  • SpongeBob: [Squidward sitting on ground with empty bag over head] Pardon me, Squidward. SpongeBear, Jr. here wants me to win him a little brother. [Squidward scoots to the side while SpongeBob inserts a coin into the machine]
  • Skill Crane: You are a winner! [two prizes come out]
  • Squidward: Huh?
  • SpongeBob: Two in one quarter? That's not fair. [puts in one of the prizes] What's that clown frown? Oh, you'd rather sit next to lovely lion? [takes the crane and moves the prizes around] There you are, nice and cozy. See ya later, Squidward.
  • Squidward: [scoots his way into his house and then sits on his couch and sighs] A little mind-numbing television ought to help me forget about that stupid machine. [tries to pick up the remote but every time he tries, he fails because of the crane coming into his mind. He then uses his eye instead to press a button on the remote] Yeeowwww!!!! [he slides off the couch. Now he's in bed] You've had a rough day, Squiddie. But that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better. [tries to pull his covers but he can't because of the crane coming into his mind] Oooh, phooey!! [he shivers for a few seconds, gets up and then tries to pick up the glass of water by his bed but drops it and breaks it] I gotta win that crane!!!!!!! [he runs through his closet door and gets the piggy bank, which cries a teardrop. He then runs to the Krusty Krab. Later, SpongeBob enters the Krusty Krab and freaks out at what he sees when he enters] Just once! Please, oh, please, let me win one time! 
  • SpongeBob: Squid, I think you have a problem.
  • Mr. Krabs: No, he doesn't. You don't listen to him, Squidward. You keep playing until you win! [takes out all the quarters that were put in the machine and pours them into a bucket. A piece of rolled paper drops into the bucket] What's this?
  • Squidward: The deed to my house.
  • Mr. Krabs: Okey-dokey, then. Carry on.
  • Squidward: [sobbing] If I can just win once, I'd never play again! [bawling]
  • SpongeBob: Hey, you want me to tell you the secret of how to win on this machine?
  • Squidward: [gasps] SpongeBob, there's a secret?
  • SpongeBob: Mm-hmm.
  • Squidward: Tell me... [as his eyes get bigger] the... secret.
  • SpongeBob: Are you ready to be a winner?
  • Squidward: Yes.
  • SpongeBob: Yeah?
  • Squidward: Yeah!
  • SpongeBob: Yes?
  • Squidward: Yes!
  • SpongeBob: Yeah? 
  • Squidward: Yeah! 
  • SpongeBob: Yes? 
  • Squidward: SpongeBob! The secret?!
  • SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, okay. I face the crane. Deposit my quarter. Then I close my eyes.
  • Squidward: Close your eyes?
  • SpongeBob: Quiet, Squidward. I'm being the crane.
  • Squidward: Oh, that's ludi...
  • Skill Crane: Winner!
  • SpongeBob: See? Now you try.
  • Squidward: This is ridiculous. If I close my eyes, how will I know where the...
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, do you wanna win or not?
  • Squidward: [presses face against machine] Yes! Yes, I do!
  • SpongeBob: Okay, Squidward, put your quarter in.
  • Squidward: But this is my last quarter.
  • SpongeBob: In the machine, Squidward.
  • Squidward: Okay, okay. [he puts the quarter in the machine]
  • SpongeBob: Close your eyes. [Squidward does] Now be the crane. [while SpongeBob is telling him this, Squidward is playing the game] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane.
  • Skill Crane: Winner!
  • Squidward: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! I knew I could do it! [laughs] I'm a winner!
  • SpongeBob: You're a winner!
  • Squidward: I am a winner, aren't I? [jumps up and down] Winner, winner, winner! [twirls] Wiiiiiinner!! [over loudspeaker] I'M A WINNER, EVERYBODY!!! YOU HEAR THAT?!! [cricket chirps in the empty restaurant. Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs' office, holds the teddy bear] I'm... a winner.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's funny. Last time I checked, you were a cashier.
  • Squidward: Yuck it up all you want, Mr. Krabs. But just remember, you're yucking [looking] in the presence of a winner! [shoves the bear in his face] Ha! [runs out the door]
  • Mr. Krabs: I'll try to remember that. [as he counts all of Squidward's quarters] 3,498 of Squidward's quarters... 3,499 of Squidward's quarters.
  • SpongeBob: Triple decker, on deck.
  • Squidward: [slams door in SpongeBob's face] Make way for the winner! [door opens to SpongeBob having the triple decker hanging out of his mouth like an accordion]
  • Skill Crane: You lose! [Billy sighs]
  • Squidward: You didn't win the prize?
  • Billy: No.
  • Squidward: You know what that means?
  • Billy: No, what?
  • Squidward: It means you have no skills and you're a loser! [laughs] I'm a winner, see my prize! You're a loser who sits and cries! [he laughs for a moment, then Billy kicks Squidward in the leg] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! [later, Squidward and SpongeBob are walking out of the Krusty Krab] Did you see how I handled that crane?
  • SpongeBob: I sure did.
  • Squidward: I just closed my eyes and became the crane.
  • SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
  • Squidward: I think I had the magic touch.
  • SpongeBob: [Getting exasperated] Oh, yeah, you're the man.
  • Squidward: SpongeBob, look. [a real crane is just a few yards away. Squidward runs to it]
  • SpongeBob: Uhh, Squidward, I don't think the same principles apply.
  • Squidward: Be the crane.
  • SpongeBob: Wait, Squidward!
  • Squidward: Be the crane. [picks up an I-beam]
  • SpongeBob: He did it. Yay, Squidward!
  • Squidward: Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the…
  • Construction Worker: You know this guy?
  • SpongeBob: Yeah, that's Squidward. He's got the magic touch. [pokes the construction worker] Ding. [Squidward knocks a bunch of buildings over with the I-beam; a sign reads "Your New Mall". The construction worker is ready to explode] Tada! [notices the mess] Ah! Squidward, open your eyes!
  • Squidward: [opens eyes] Oh, uhh, be the crane. Be the crane. [can't control crane; he whacks the workers with a beam] Look out, SpongeBob. I can't stop! [crane chases after SpongeBob & the workers; SpongeBob's eyes bug out so he runs away on them] Be the crane. Be the crane. Be the crane. Okay, don't be the crane! Don't be the crane! [Everybody runs in terror into the Krusty Krab. The crane spins around fast and heads towards the Krusty Krab and as the workers and SpongeBob duck, Squidward destroys it]
  • Mr. Krabs: What the?!
  • Squidward: Oh, my. Ohhh, my. Uhh... Time to go, Teddy. [bumps into large construction worker]
  • Construction Worker: Just where do you think you're going, crane master? [All workers surround Squidward, ready to beat him up]
  • Construction Worker #2: You ain't going anywhere.
  • SpongeBob: [whistles] Hang on, buddy. I got ya. [uses crane to get Squidward but instead gets his prize] I guess I can only pick up toys.
  • Squidward: [workers growl] Uh-oh! [fade to black, ending the episode]

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