Sing a Song of Patrick/transcript

• Patrick: [reading a comic book] [screams] NO, NO! [starts crying then stops] YAY!!! [laughs]
• Nerd: Well, if only Inaudible Lad were here right now.
• Patrick: Oh. [eats comic book] Nothing satisfies like a good story.
• SpongeBob: [walks up to Patrick with a stack of comic books] Are you ready to go, Patrick?
• Patrick: [screams] Get back, I wasn't going to eat all of you!
• SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me.
• Patrick: Sponge-- [burps and a piece of paper lands into SpongeBob's face]
• SpongeBob: Ew, what's this?
• Patrick: [takes the piece of paper] Well, whatever it is, it's mine! Unless I don't want it. [inspects the piece of paper and gasps] SpongeBob, what do all these words say?
• SpongeBob: It's an ad. [talks in an announcer tone] Dear Comic Book Reader.
• Patrick: That's me!
• SpongeBob: [continues as announcer] Have you ever thought about turning one of your poems into a hit song on the radio?
• Patrick: I never thought about anything!
• SpongeBob: [continues] Send in your poem and $100 and we'll make it a hit! [uses regular tone of voice again] Can we go now? My arms are getting tired.
• Patrick: I want to send in a poem, and everyone would love it, and I would be a star!
• SpongeBob: You can't always trust ads in comic books,Patrick. Those X-Ray specs I ordered couldn't see through people's skin at all! [makes a disgusted face] Only their clothes! Plus, you don't have $100. [SpongeBob's wallet falls out of his and struggles to pick it up] Patrick, could you get my wallet? [Patrick picks up SpongeBob's wallet]
• Patrick: Hey, look. [pulls out $100 bill from wallet] I just found $100! It's a sign that I should make my hit record.
• SpongeBob: Hey, that's my comic book money!
• Patrick: [indignant]It's a sign! A sign that fell from the back of your pants. I learned to trust signs like that. [walks away]
• SpongeBob: Patrick. [the comic book store clerk shows up]
• Comic Book Store Clerk: Hey, you going to pay for those comics? [SpongeBob's arms fall off with the comics]
• SpongeBob: No. [gets kicked out] Ow! Can I have my arms back? [cut to SpongeBob's house]
• Patrick: I wish not to be disturbed, SpongeBob, for I am about to erupt with a masterpiece. [walks away]
• SpongeBob: Good luck. [doorbell rings] Coming-- [Patrick slams door against SpongeBob]
• Patrick: SpongeBob, could I borrow a pencil and some paper and a place to work? [cut to Patrick at the desk]
• Patrick: [hovering the pencil over the paper] SpongeBob! THIS PENCIL IS BROKEN! Why won't it make words?
• SpongeBob: You have to think of the words yourself. [walks away with the laundry]
• Patrick: I think I wrote a poem once. [flashback to Patrick's childhood]
• Young Patrick: A Poem, by Patrick Star. Roses are blue, violets are red, I have to go the bathroom. [eats his poem and then burps and takes a bow]
• Gym Teacher: How many times times I gotta tell you, THIS IS GYM CLASS!! [blows whistle and everyone starts throwing dodgeballs at Patrick, who takes cover]
• Patrick: [present time] Ohh, dodgeballs.
• SpongeBob: [shadow figure of himself holding a dodgeball and wearing an evil grin] Oh, Patrick!
• Patrick: [screams] Don't hit me with a dodgeball! [hides under the desk and SpongeBob turns on the lights and Gary pops out of his shell]
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Why would I hit you with a dodgeball?
• Patrick: I never told anyone this I wrote a poem once.
• SpongeBob: [gets shocked] No!
• Patrick: Wait! there's more. When I read it to the class, they pelted me with dodgeballs! Just because we were playing dodgeball! [starts crying] Whyyyyyy?!?!?!? [dramatic music plays]
• SpongeBob: [stops Gary's record player] You can play your records later, Gary. Patrick, is that why you had trouble writing?
• Patrick: I'm worried my poem's not going to be any good and you're going to hit me with dodgeballs.
• SpongeBob: Oh, I don't even own a dodgeball. Do you, Gary?
• Gary: [saying no in sarcasm, meaning he owns a dodgeball] Meow.
• Patrick: If you're serious, I can do this. I'm going to use my brain.
• SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Patrick! I'll open a window. [cut to SpongeBob's house with an opened window with Patrick struggling to write the poem]
• Patrick: [tapping his head with the pencil] Come on, you stupid brain! work! [Patrick's brain starts working and smoke comes out] It's working! [struggling as he starts writing]
• SpongeBob: [knocking] Patrick, don't strain yourself. [Patrick continues struggling as Squidward opens the window]
• Squidward: Now, what's going on? [looks disgusted] What is that horrible smell? [SpongeBob comes out] Is Patrick thinking again?
• Patrick: I'm making art!
• Squidward: Patrick, it smells like something crawled in your brain and died.
• Patrick: That's the creative process at work! [Squidward closes the window] Ready to go to the post office? [shows a letter with his poem in it] I need to mail in my masterpiece.
• Narrator: The Next Day-- [cut to Bigshot Records]
• Eban Schletter: --and that's why you're my cookie-wookie teddy bear!
• Guitarist #1: I hate my life.
• Keyboardist: I hate your life, too, dude.
• Band Manager: People! We have 17 MORE SONGS TO FINISH THIS HOUR! Next up is: "I Wrote This" by Patrick Star. [sniffs then holds his nose] Yick. [Guitarist #2 then takes it]
• Guitarist #2: This one's really bad! It made my eyeballs throw up.
• Guitarist #1: Oh yeah. [eyes disappear]
• Band Manager: I don't care how awful his poem is! We spent his $100 already!
• Guitarist #1: Come on, guys. We're going to do this if it kills us. a 1, a 2 and a-- [cut to the cemetery where the band members are buried]
• Cemetery Manager: [grave voice] They wanted you to have this.
• Patrick: My song. Ahh... [cut to SpongeBob's house]
• SpongeBob: Come on, let's hear it!
• Patrick: Um, I don't know. You're not going to throw dodgeballs at me?
• SpongeBob: I don't see any dodgeballs around here, buddy. Just an artist and his work.
• Patrick: Yeah! and me too! Now sit down and get comfortable.
• SpongeBob: [sits on his arm chair, while Patrick pushes a big stereo in front of him] Uh, Patrick?
• Patrick: [on top of the stereo] SpongeBob SquarePants! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!! WHOOOO!!! [SpongeBob screams. lands on the chair and turns on the music]
• SpongeBob: [covering his ears] IT'S REALLY LOUD!
• Patrick: YOU NEED IT LOUDER? OKAY!
• Eban Schletter: [singing Patrick's poem] Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star, I made myself a sandwich, My mommy named it Fred, It tastes like beans and bacon, And smells like it's been dead, Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point. Pee-Yew, What's that horrible smell?
• Man: Drum Solo! [plays drum solo] [wallpaper peels and plants become dead and picture of Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants shakes]
• Eban Schletter: I have a head that ends in a Point. Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point. [in their picture, Mr. and Mrs. SquarePants get annoyed and Mrs. SquarePants turns the picture over] This song is over, Except for this line, you win this round, Broccoli! [song ends as SpongeBob's house peels and stereo crashes on top of SpongeBob and Patrick]
• Patrick: That was awesome! Did you like it or did you really, really like it? Give me your completely honest opinion of how great it was.
• SpongeBob: [looking like he wants to insult it] Um... how do I put this delicately-- That was the best song I ever heard!
• Patrick: Do you really think so?
• SpongeBob: We need to get that song on the radio!
• Patrick: Then let's go right now, come on! [takes SpongeBob's arm off]
• SpongeBob: Darn, I just got that arm back. [cut to the radio station where SpongeBob and Patrick are going to put the song on the radio]
• Patrick: I can't wait to see look on their face once they hear this. [they go inside and employee screams and kicks them out and closes the door]
• SpongeBob: Did you see the look on his face?
• Patrick: Yeah, Did you see his ears?
• SpongeBob: I didn't know they could turn inside-out like that. Now, how are we going to get your record on the radio?
• Patrick: What record? [they see the antenna]
• SpongeBob: I got an idea! [cut to later where SpongeBob and Patrick are on the roof] [wind howls as SpongeBob and Patrick shiver] We just have to play your record from the top of this antenna.
• Patrick: Carry me?
• SpongeBob: Huh? Patrick-- [Patrick lands on top of SpongeBob and SpongeBob picks him up, struggling]
• Patrick: Tally ho! Marsh! Onward and upward! [SpongeBob is struggling to get to the top of the antenna] Faster, SpongeBob! Faster! [Patrick sees a spaceship go by. At last, they were on the top of the antenna. Patrick stands on SpongeBob's face, takes out his record player and then puts it on the top of the antenna but record player wobbles and falls off and Patrick catches it] Oh! Hmm-- This record won't stay put.
• SpongeBob: [mumbling to say something]
• Patrick: Good idea. [takes out bubble gum and throws it in his mouth and chews on it, while making noises and he blows a bubble]
• SpongeBob: [mumbling to say something] [bubble pops and sticks to Patrick's mouth]
• Patrick: Oh, yeah. I forgot. [pulls gum off and sticks it to the bottom of the record player and puts it on the top of the antenna and turns on the music] [Ralph is walking past a radio in a store]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: [singing the poem] Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star--
• Ralph: [screams] [Billy is driving his boat]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --I made myself a sandwich, My mommy named it Fred--
• Billy: [screams] It's in my head! [continues screaming as boat spins around and crashes]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --It tastes like beans and bacon, And smells like it's been dead, [two fish are walking around, listening to music] Writing stuff is hard so I use a pointy pencil-- [Jimmy's head disappears]
• Frank: Lucky.
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point--
• Harold: [to his girlfriend, Evelyn who are at the beach as the song on the radio plays] This song always makes me think of you.
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --Pee-Yew, What's that horrible smell?
• Man on the radio: Drum solo! [plays drum solo as Evelyn hits her boyfriend, who goes up high] [everyone screams and runs around because of that song. Scooter and The Lifeguard tip the boat over]
• Billy: Stop!
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --I have a head that ends in a Point--
• Man: [covering his ears] MY EARS!!! [they pull the controls off and they jump out of the plane with parachutes]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Pointy, Point-- [the plane lands into the Fireworks Storage and it explodes and fireworks start] --This song is over, Except for this line--
• Old Man Jenkins: I like it. [hums the song]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --you win this round, Broccoli! [song ends but begins again. SpongeBob and Patrick see that Bikini Bottom's having a party]
• SpongeBob: Well, it looks like Bikini Bottom is throwing a party. and you know what a party needs.
• Patrick: Uh, Bean Dip?
• SpongeBob: Yes, that is important. but I was thinking about music! Turn it up, Patrick! [Patrick turns the volume up]
• Eban Schletter on the radio: It tastes like beans and bacon--
• Fred: [covering his ears] Where is that awful song coming from?
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --And smells like it's been dead--
• Fred: [points to the radio station] To the radio station! [everyone marches angrily to the radio station] (captions version Leader: What's that awful song coming from? To the radio station! (all muttering angrily) )
• Lou: Torches! Get your torches! [everyone gets a torch] (captions version Torches! Get your torches! (all talking at once) )
• Harold: Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! [everyone gets a pitchfork] (captions version Pitchforks! You can't be an angry mob without pitchforks! (sword noise) )
• Peterson: Cotton Candy! Get your cotton candy! You can't throw a riot without cotton candy! [everyone misses the cotton candy. SpongeBob and Patrick climb down the antenna] (captions version Cotton Candy, get your cotton candy, you can't throw a riot without cotton candy! (all muttering angrily) )
• Eban Schletter on the radio: --I have a head that ends in a Point--
• SpongeBob: Look at that, Patrick! [the angry mob is coming]
• Patrick: Oh, you mean the angry mob with the pitchforks and torches?
• SpongeBob: [laughs] That's not an angry mob, Patrick. It's your fan club!
• Patrick: Fan club? [song ends as the angry mob chatters indistinctly] Yee-whoo! We should sing them a song!
• Fred: Who's responsible for that song on the radio? [SpongeBob and Patrick jump off the roof]
• SpongeBob: Why, he's right here. Patrick Star, Musical Genius. [Patrick drones and burps]
• Fred: Let's get them, boys! [they start chasing them. they beat them up but SpongeBob and Patrick play with instruments wildly. Patrick plays with a guitar, while SpongeBob plays with a chainsaw and a tambourine. they pant heavily] (captions version Let's get those boys! (crowd yelling) (both screaming) (crowd yelling) (loud punches) )
• Patrick: And that was my new song called-- Uggghhh!
• Fred: You know, It's not that bad.
• Jimmy: Yeah. At least it got that first terrible song out of our heads.
• Patrick: Oh, yeah. My song. [strums his guitar] Oh, Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star-- [they hear a whistle blow and it was Patrick's gym teacher from the childhood]
• Gym Teacher: PATRICK! Looks like you need another lesson! DODGEBALLS READY! [everyone gets out a dodgeball]
• Patrick: Uh-oh. [everyone starts throwing dodgeballs at SpongeBob and Patrick who take cover]