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Shanghaied (transcript)

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Shanghaied
General
Season №: 2
Episode №: 33a
Airdate: March 9, 2001
Chronology
Previous: "The Smoking Peanut"
Next: "Gary Takes a Bath"
List of episode transcripts

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Shanghaied" from season two, which aired on March 9, 2001.

Version #1 (Original Airing)

  • Narrator: And now, it's time for SpongeBob's You Wish Spectacular Special.
  • Pirates: Hooray!
  • Narrator: And now the host of You Wish. He's got puffy and better loons then Captain Kidd, and fuzzier facial hair then Black Beard. He's America's favorite Pirate, Patchy of Encino.
  • Patchy: Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to me quarters. Why don't come on back on the galley, I'm cooking up a little treat for you today. Its called a Vote Time. You get to choose how our cartoon ends today, via the phone, or the internet if your technologically inclined. Now this cartoon is different from most cartoons and that-
  • Potty: Bawk! In what way?
  • Patchy: Well, If it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.
  • Potty: Help! I'm being held here against my will-- Help!
  • Patchy: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Were'd you go? Potty, you in here, buddy?
  • [Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]
  • Potty: [laughs and squawking] Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
  • Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Now, what was I saying? Now this cartoon ain't like most of your "land-lobbing cartoons". This cartoon has not one, not two, but three different endings! So, when I tell you to call the number their that's scrolling at the bottom of the screen. [Phone starts ringing. Patchy picks up phone] No, not now! Don't call 'till I tell you to! Roll the cartoon! Now, remember to vote at the end because- [More phones start to ring] Your not gonna make this easy are ya. Quiet! Vast their! Be laze that ringing! Stop! Its driving me mad!
  • SpongeBob: [eating Kelp-O cereal] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!
  • Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
  • SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?
  • Patrick: How about...
  • Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [Anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!
  • SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [SpongeBob & Patrick show their spotless hands]
  • Patrick: Clean...
  • Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
  • SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward starts to climb rope]
  • SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!
  • Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob & Patrick start climbing rope also]
  • Narrator: A few inches later...
  • SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?
  • SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!
  • Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
  • SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.
  • Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.
  • SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all 3 reach the top]
  • Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]
  • SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
  • Patrick: I don't know. Why?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]
  • Patrick: Yes!
  • SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying Dutchman"]
  • Flying Dutchman: Rawr!!
  • SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"
  • Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
  • SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
  • Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
  • SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. [Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward]
  • Squidward: I...no, I don't.
  • SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]
  • Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that.
  • Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!
  • SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward]
  • Squidward: [screams] Ow.
  • Flying Dutchman: [looks over to SpongeBob & Patrick] You're next!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [jumps off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
  • SpongeBob: [he and Patrick scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob & Patrick jump off the ship]
  • Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob & Patrick land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?
  • Patrick: Probably. [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
  • Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?
  • Patrick: Uhh...
  • Squidward: [covers Patrick's mouth with tentacle] No, no, they're not. Whew. [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
  • Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes rule book] And, uhh [opens rule book], ever. [closes rule book]
  • Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?
  • Flying Dutchman: [zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind- numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.
  • Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [shows a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair]
  • Flying Dutchman: [closes Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
  • SpongeBob: No! We know our place now, Mister Dutchman.
  • Patrick: We'll do anything you say!
  • Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!
  • Patrick: And I got this hat!
  • Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!
  • SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...
  • Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.
  • SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!
  • Patrick: I don't get it.
  • SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...
  • Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.
  • SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?
  • Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick start mopping]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!
  • Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]
  • SpongeBob: [screams]
  • Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
  • Flying Dutchman: [howls like a wolf]
  • SpongeBob: [screams]
  • Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!
  • [Very long and awkward silence]
  • Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
  • SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [telescope points to a big tough guy then Flying Dutchman blows on the telescope spinning it a little to land on a little kid]
  • Billy: I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.
  • Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.
  • Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]
  • SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.
  • Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a rock]
  • Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confuse]
  • SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.
  • Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers]
  • Patrick: How does he do that?
  • Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!
  • Billy: Those guys are dorks.
  • Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship]
  • SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob and Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob & Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good.. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman scares another citizen while SpongeBob and Patrick figure- skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?
  • Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
  • SpongeBob: Like movie passes?
  • Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]
  • Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
  • SpongeBob: You're setting us free?
  • Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [SpongeBob & Patrick scream]
  • Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!
  • SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?
  • Patrick: Let's leave!
  • SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the...perfume department. [points to a room full of perfume and customers]
  • Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume]
  • SpongeBob: I always hate going in there!
  • Patrick: Yeah.
  • SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [Flying Dutchman is in his room]
  • Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
  • SpongeBob: Never!
  • Flying Dutchman: Ok, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!
  • SpongeBob: No! [Sock begins to tear]
  • Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!
  • Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.
  • Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you...three wishes.
  • Patrick: Make it five.
  • Flying Dutchman: Four.
  • Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.
  • Flying Dutchman: Ok...uhh, three. You get three wishes.
  • SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?
  • Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [clock goes backwards one minute]
  • Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! [falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]
  • Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [re-appears on the ship]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back!
  • SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the second one.
  • Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!
  • Patrick: Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why should you get a wish...
  • SpongeBob: Well, that's not right because... [their arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling and shouting]
  • Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and...
  • Voting Guy: All hands! All hands! Its time to vote! Its voting time!
  • Patchy: Well, that's our cartoon so far. Now its time for you to decide how it ends! Who will get the last wish? Will it be, Sassy Squidward, Porky Patrick, or Good 'Ol SpongeBob. My trusty crew, is eagerly awaiting your call. So, hoist your anchor of that couch, and make with the voting! This is your big chance, And we'll be right back to announce, the winner! [Cuts To Commercials] Ahoy children, I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls got your votes in, because its time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time to announce the winner! [blows horn] But first, let's look at the endings you didn't choose. According to our high tech counter ology, You didn't choose, Patrick. [An image of Patrick is shown, with a skull in front of him.] But, let's see what Patrick would've wished for if you picked him. OK! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the tape! Roll the- oh gaw!
  • Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [Stops on Patrick.]
  • SpongeBob: That's you, Patrick. Make your wish.
  • Patrick: Uhh...
  • Squidward: Wait, Patrick, listen. I do not particularly feel like being trapped here for all eternity. Eternity is a very long time, understand?!
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, you've got to think harder than you've ever thought before.
  • Patrick: Uhh...
  • SpongeBob: That's not gonna do it! Think harder!
  • Patrick: Uhh...
  • Squidward & SpongeBob: Come on! Come on, Patrick! Yeah! Put on your thinking cap!
  • Patrick: Uhh... [Inside Patrick's eye is a toaster that brings up some toast.] Okay! I've got it.
  • Flying Dutchman: Thou wish is granted.
  • Patrick: [Chewing on gum.] Oh, I'm sorry. Want some gum? [SpongeBob and Squidward are shocked.]
  • Squidward: You wished for gum?
  • Patrick: Well, if we're gonna be here forever, we might as well have fresh breath!
  • [Each take a piece of gum. Later, we see Flying Dutchman with a big belly.]
  • SpongeBob: Come on, mister, let us out! Don't be so mean! Don't be so fatty!
  • Patrick: Aaaah! Let us out!
  • Flying Dutchman: Ahh, minty.
  • Patchy: Heh heh heh. That Patrick shivers me timbers right down to my peg leg! Ha! ha! ha! You were right not to pick that one kids! Seemed like a lot of nonsense to me! Molarchy! Oh well, let's take a look at the other loser! Heh heh heh! [An image of Squidward is shown, with a skull in front of him.] It appears you didn't vote for Squidward. I don't blame you, I wouldn't have either! But, let's see what would happen if the Old Dutchman's Eeny-Minie-Mo finger landed on Squidward!
  • Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [Stops on Squidward]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you get a wish! A great big wish!
  • Squidward: That's right! And you know what I wish?
  • Patrick: No!
  • Squidward: I wish that I had never met you two barnacle-heads before in my entire life!
  • Flying Dutchman: So be it.
  • SpongeBob: Hi there, I don't believe we've met. My name is SpongeBob, and this is my associate Patrick.
  • Patrick: Hi.
  • Squidward: That's not what I meant!
  • Flying Dutchman: Well, now that introductions are out of the way, it's time for dinner [Flying Dutchman appears with a big belly]
  • SpongeBob: And what did you say your name was?
  • Squidward: I'm Squidward. I'm your neighbor.
  • SpongeBob: Oh, nice to meet you, Squid-ward. [Tries to pronounce it right] We'll have plenty of time to get to know each other, I guess. [Laughs.]
  • Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, So get ready to blow milk out of your nose because its time to announce, the winner! The envelope please Potty. Thank you, my fine feathered assistant. Well what do you know? The winner is, SpongeBob! [A flag is shown with SpongeBob with the words "Winner" on the left side, Patchy blows his nose] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
  • Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [Potty blows up along with Patchy; Patchy coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]
  • Patchy: And now, the most requested ending! Hooray! [Potty collapses to the floor]
  • Flying Dutchman: [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads]
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!
  • SpongeBob: We're home!
  • Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!
  • Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]
  • Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [Flying Dutchman chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast.
  • Patchy: [Patchy is shown sitting at the counch crying] Hold on! Sorry about that kids! Its just that old Patchy can't help but get all choked up at the end of a show. But the good news is, when you watch this cartoon land-lobbing style like you usually do, it'll have the ending you picked, so now your an official big time cartoon decision maker! [Cuts to a bunch of monkeys at a zoo] Just don't let it go to your head! Well, say good night to the folks Potty! Potty!
  • Potty: Sqwuak! I quit! I quit!
  • Patchy: Ohhh! Oh, that's it folks! Right now I got a little employee management to take care of! Oh, Potty! Potty, get in your nice cage! Potty I'm not kidding!
  • Narrator: And so, we conclude SpongeBob's You Wish Spectacular Special! Thanks for voting!
  • Patchy: [Bite sound's heard] OW!

Version #2 (Reruns)

  • Narrator: And now, it's time for Patchy's Pick. Hosted by: SpongeBob's number one fan, Patchy the Pirate.
  • Patchy: Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to Patchy's Pick. Why don't come on back on the galley, I got a little treat for you today. We're gonna see me favorite show Shanghaied! Ta-da!
  • Potty: Boring!
  • Patchy: Well, If it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.
  • Potty: Bawk! I'm being held here against my will-- Help!
  • Patchy: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Were'd you go? Potty, you in here, buddy?
  • [Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]
  • Potty: [laughs and squawking] Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
  • Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Well, roll the cartoon.
  • SpongeBob: [eating Kelp-O cereal] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!
  • Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]
  • Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
  • SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?
  • Patrick: How about...
  • Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [Anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!
  • SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [SpongeBob & Patrick show their spotless hands]
  • Patrick: Clean...
  • Squidward: [on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
  • SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward starts to climb rope]
  • SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!
  • Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob & Patrick start climbing rope also]
  • Narrator: A few inches later...
  • SpongeBob: [points up] Ship!
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?
  • SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!
  • Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
  • SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.
  • Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.
  • SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all 3 reach the top]
  • Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]
  • SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
  • Patrick: I don't know. Why?
  • SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]
  • Patrick: Yes!
  • SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying Dutchman"]
  • Flying Dutchman: Rawr!!
  • SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"
  • Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
  • SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
  • Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
  • SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. [Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward]
  • Squidward: I...no, I don't.
  • SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]
  • Squidward: [laughs nervously] I never said that.
  • Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!
  • SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward]
  • Squidward: [screams] Ow.
  • Flying Dutchman: [looks over to SpongeBob & Patrick] You're next!
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [jumps off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
  • SpongeBob: [he and Patrick scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob & Patrick jump off the ship]
  • Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob & Patrick land back on the ship]
  • Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?
  • Patrick: Probably. [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
  • Flying Dutchman: How 'bout now?
  • Patrick: Uhh...
  • Squidward: [covers Patrick's mouth with tentacle] No, no, they're not. Whew. [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
  • Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes rule book] And, uhh [opens rule book], ever. [closes rule book]
  • Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?
  • Flying Dutchman: [zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind- numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.
  • Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [shows a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair]
  • Flying Dutchman: [closes Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
  • SpongeBob: No! We know our place now, Mister Dutchman.
  • Patrick: We'll do anything you say!
  • Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]
  • SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!
  • Patrick: And I got this hat!
  • Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!
  • SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...
  • Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.
  • SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!
  • Patrick: I don't get it.
  • SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...
  • Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.
  • SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?
  • Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick start mopping]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: [singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!
  • Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]
  • SpongeBob: [screams]
  • Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee!
  • Flying Dutchman: [howls like a wolf]
  • SpongeBob: [screams]
  • Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!
  • [Very long and awkward silence]
  • Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
  • SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [telescope points to a big tough guy then Flying Dutchman blows on the telescope spinning it a little to land on a little kid]
  • Billy: I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.
  • Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.
  • Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]
  • SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.
  • Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a rock]
  • Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confuse]
  • SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.
  • Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers]
  • Patrick: How does he do that?
  • Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!
  • Billy: Those guys are dorks.
  • Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship]
  • SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob and Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob & Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good.. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman scares another citizen while SpongeBob and Patrick figure- skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?
  • Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
  • SpongeBob: Like movie passes?
  • Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]
  • Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
  • SpongeBob: You're setting us free?
  • Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [SpongeBob & Patrick scream]
  • Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!
  • SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?
  • Patrick: Let's leave!
  • SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the...perfume department. [points to a room full of perfume and customers]
  • Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume]
  • SpongeBob: I always hate going in there!
  • Patrick: Yeah.
  • SpongeBob: [hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [Flying Dutchman is in his room]
  • Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
  • SpongeBob: Never!
  • Flying Dutchman: Ok, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!
  • SpongeBob: No! [Sock begins to tear]
  • Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!
  • Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.
  • Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you...three wishes.
  • Patrick: Make it five.
  • Flying Dutchman: Four.
  • Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.
  • Flying Dutchman: Ok...uhh, three. You get three wishes.
  • SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?
  • Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [clock goes backwards one minute]
  • Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]
  • SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! [falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]
  • Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [re-appears on the ship]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back!
  • SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I... [realizing] just used the second one.
  • Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!
  • Patrick: Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue] Because I didn't really get a real wish, so why should you get a wish...
  • SpongeBob: Well, that's not right because... [their arguing devolves into incoherent yelling, babbling and shouting]
  • Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?
  • SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads]
  • SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!
  • SpongeBob: We're home!
  • Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!
  • Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]
  • Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [Flying Dutchman chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed Volkswagen with a main mast. Patchy reappears]
  • Patchy: Ahoy, children! I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls enjoyed the show because it's time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time for fan mail! [blows horn]
  • Old-time crowd: Hooray!
  • Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, so get ready to blow milk out of your nose because we're gonna open a letter! The envelope please Potty. Thank you, my fine feathered assistant.
  • Potty: [Potty has a lighten fuse on his head] Brawk, you're not welcome.
  • Patchy: [Patchy blows his nose] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
  • Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [Potty blows up along with Patchy; Patchy coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]
  • Patchy: Well, that's it for Patchy's Pick. Hooray! [Potty collapses to the floor]

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