Narrator: And now, it's time for Patchy's Pick. Hosted by: SpongeBob's number one fan, Patchy the Pirate.
Patchy: Ahoy, fellow fanatics! Welcome to Patchy's Pick. Why don't come on back on the galley, I got a little treat for you today. We're gonna see me favorite show Shanghaied! Ta-da!
Patchy: Well, If it isn't my less-than-amusing sidekick, Potty the Parrot. Potty, say hello to the nice people.
Potty: Bawk! I'm being held here against my will-- Help!
Patchy: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh... Oh, Potty come back! Potty? Potty? Were'd you go? Potty, you in here, buddy?
[Then the screen reveals that Patchy is in a cannon that is pointing outside the window]
Potty:[laughs and squawking] Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Patchy: Get me out of here, you scurvy bird! [The cannon blasts Patchy out and Patchy screams; he lands in a neighboring house which sinks like a boat. Patchy returns, still smoking from the cannon blast] Well, roll the cartoon.
SpongeBob:[eating Kelp-O cereal] Mmm, Kelp-O! With one of eight essential prizes inside! [checks in the cereal box but then a giant anchor comes crashing through SpongeBob's house] Holy shrimp! [runs out to Squidward] Squidward! The sky had a baby from my cereal box! Squidward! [Squidward pokes his head through his window] Squidward! The sky had a baby!
Squidward: That's not a baby! That's a giant anchor! Now go away! [Patrick comes over]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! The sky had a baby!
SpongeBob: I know! What do you think we should name it?
Patrick: How about...
Squidward: Why don't you two go climb its anchor rope? I'm sure it goes somewhere far away! [Anchor crashes into Squidward's house] Now look what you've done!
SpongeBob: We didn't do it, Squidward. Our hands are clean! [SpongeBob & Patrick show their spotless hands]
Squidward:[on top of his house] Well, I'm gonna get to the bottom of this thing.
SpongeBob: Wouldn't that be the top? [Squidward starts to climb rope]
SpongeBob: Squid, wait! Wait!
Patrick: Squidward! [SpongeBob & Patrick start climbing rope also]
Narrator: A few inches later...
SpongeBob:[points up] Ship!
Patrick: SpongeBob, how long are you gonna stay in your little fantasy world?
SpongeBob: No, look, a giant ship!
Squidward: Great! Let's go! Now I can finally give this anchor-dropper a piece of my mind.
SpongeBob: I don't know, Squidward. That ship has a spooky green glow around it.
Squidward: That's probably because its good-for-nothing owner is too lazy to clean or drop its anchors in the right place.
SpongeBob: Squid, wait! [all 3 reach the top]
Squidward: All right, who owns this crate? [notices a door that says "owner" and begins to knock on it] Come on out! I wanna file a complaint! [SpongeBob looks around the ship]
SpongeBob: Doesn't this place seem familiar?
Patrick: I don't know. Why?
SpongeBob: I don't know. Doesn't it just kind of ring a bell? [Squidward rings the doorbell]
SpongeBob: I know who owns this boat but I just can't place the name. [SpongeBob walks by a barrel that says "property of the Flying Dutchman"]
Flying Dutchman: Rawr!!
SpongeBob: No, no, it's not "rawr!"
Flying Dutchman: I am the Flying Dutchman!
SpongeBob: That's it! Squidward, this ship belongs to the Red Baron!
Flying Dutchman: Who be disturbin' the Flying Dutchman in his own lair?
SpongeBob: It's Squidward. He wants to complain to you. [Flying Dutchman gives an evil look to Squidward]
Squidward: I...no, I don't.
SpongeBob: Well, what about all that stuff about him having a dirty ship and being lazy and all? [Flying Dutchman glares angrily at Squidward]
Squidward: (laughs nervously) I never said that.
Flying Dutchman: Insultin' a man's ship be worse than insultin' his mother!
SpongeBob: No, no, wait, it was his mother you said was dirty, not his ship. [shoots fire out his nose frying up Squidward]
Squidward: Ahh! Ow.
Flying Dutchman:[looks over to SpongeBob & Patrick] You're next!
SpongeBob and Patrick:[jumps off the ship] That was a close one! [land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back!
SpongeBob:[he and Patrick scream and jump off the ship] That was a closer one! [land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: Welcome back! [SpongeBob & Patrick jump off the ship]
Squidward: Hey! How come when they act up, all they get is the welcome wagon? If you ask me, it's... [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward while SpongeBob & Patrick land back on the ship]
Flying Dutchman: So, are you gonna try that again?
Squidward:[covers Patrick's mouth with tentacle] No, no, they're not. Whew. [Flying Dutchman zaps Squidward]
Flying Dutchman: Now listen. [takes out a "Ghost Rule Book"] Whosoever sets foot on the Flying Dutchman's ship, uninvited or otherwise, shall become members of his ghostly crew forever! [closes rule book] And, uhh [opens rule book], ever. [closes rule book]
Squidward: Will we be getting business cards?
Flying Dutchman:[zaps Squidward] Silence! You're part of my crew now, and our job is to sail around and frighten people. It'll be grueling, mind- numbing, and repetitive. Just like...daytime television.
Squidward: Now you listen here, mister. If you think I'm gonna spend more than five minutes on this dumpster, then you're crazy. I mean, look at this place. It's disgusting! [shows a green jockstrap] Whoever told you that having oil lamps next to hardwood paneling was a good idea... [Dutchman picks up Squidward] Oh, oh, now what? I suppose you're gonna show me... [Flying Dutchman unzips something in mid-air] Oh, gee, that's very nice. What is this, some kind of magic act? [Flying Dutchman tosses Squidward into the Fly of Despair]
Flying Dutchman:[closes Fly of Despair] Would anyone else like to enter the "Fly of Despair"?
SpongeBob: No! We know our place now, Mister Dutchman.
Patrick: We'll do anything you say!
Flying Dutchman: Then, for starters, you can...swab the deck! [hands them a mop and a bucket]
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! A real, live, ghost mop!
Patrick: And I got this hat!
Flying Dutchman: Listen! We're heading down to Bikini Bottom tonight for a little haunting spree, so I want this ship to look good and scary!
SpongeBob: You mean you want it to look good...and scary. Well, I think we can probably...
Patrick: No, no, I think he means he wants it to look so good that it's scary.
SpongeBob: Or maybe that by looking so scary you forget that it doesn't look good!
Patrick: I don't get it.
SpongeBob: Look, it's easy, it simply means that...
Flying Dutchman: Never mind what it means! I just want it to look scary! That's it! You know, mold growing on the ceilings and bugs in the sink.
SpongeBob: So, you don't want it to look good?
Flying Dutchman: Get moving! [SpongeBob and Patrick start mopping]
SpongeBob and Patrick:[singing, while sweeping with the mop and bucket] A sailor's life is a wonderful life / A wonderful life for sure!
Flying Dutchman: What a night be this! Crew, howl with me so that we might set the Seven Seas ablaze with fear! [howls like a wolf]
Flying Dutchman:[howls like a wolf]
Patrick: Leedle-leedle-leedle-lee! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle- eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle! [Flying Dutchman going to howl again but Patrick cuts him off] Leedle-eedle-eedle-eedle-eedle!
[Very long and awkward silence]
Flying Dutchman: Eh, that'll do. Okay, Square One, since Pink One's working the navigation, it's up to you to find our first victim. Here, use this spyglass. Now hurry up! We're burnin' moonlight!
SpongeBob: Let's see who we can find. [spins telescope on ground] Captain, there's a guy we can scare. [telescope points to a big tough guy then Flying Dutchman blows on the telescope spinning it a little to land on a little kid]
Billy: I had four biscuits, and I ate one. Then I only had three.
Flying Dutchman: Ahh, it does me heart good to see children out after dark. Pink One, take us behind those rocks.
Patrick: Moving behind the rocks! [ship moves scratches and tears up through the rocky parts of the sea]
SpongeBob: Keep going. You're good. You're good. You're good...and...stop. Don't worry, Captain, we'll buff out those scratches.
Flying Dutchman: All right, never mind it. Just jump out when I give the signal. [Flying Dutchman scares Billy from behind a rock]
Flying Dutchman: Boo! Prepare to be burdened with the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [points to SpongeBob and Patrick who just get confuse]
SpongeBob: Was that the signal? Okay, sorry, sorry, just...just do it again.
Flying Dutchman: With the haunting memory of my ghostly ghost pirates! [SpongeBob and Patrick come out and SpongeBob does a little trick with his fingers]
Patrick: How does he do that?
Flying Dutchman: Get back on the ship.
SpongeBob and Patrick: It's still a mystery!
Billy: Those guys are dorks.
Flying Dutchman: Yes, but they're my dorks. [goes back to showing SpongeBob and Patrick steering through the rocks tearing up the ship]
SpongeBob: You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob and Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman goes through Bikini Bottom terrorizing citizens while SpongeBob & Patrick do stupid tricks. Later shown the ship is still getting wrecked] You're good.. You're good. You're good. [Flying Dutchman scares another citizen while SpongeBob and Patrick figure- skate in purple tights. back on the ship] Why do you think the Dutchman asked us to wait in our bunk room?
Patrick: Maybe he's gonna give us a reward!
SpongeBob: Like movie passes?
Patrick: Or an oversized coffee mug?! [both start bouncing insanely]
Flying Dutchman: I've been thinking. Stop bouncing! [both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out. It's not really you so much as it is me.
SpongeBob: You're setting us free?
Flying Dutchman: Well, actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner! [SpongeBob & Patrick scream]
Patrick: Wait, I have an idea!
SpongeBob: Really?! What is it?
Patrick: Let's leave!
SpongeBob: But the door is locked and the only way out is through the...perfume department. [points to a room full of perfume and customers]
Patrick: Let's do it. [they try to run through the department but get sprayed with all sorts of perfume]
SpongeBob: I always hate going in there!
SpongeBob:[hears something strange] Wait! Listen! [Flying Dutchman is in his room]
Flying Dutchman: Dear Diary: I told them I'm going to eat them tomorrow. I made up some of that brown sauce my cousin showed me just for the occasion. Ahh, it's a good thing I found my dining sock again. Remember the last time I lost me dining sock, I couldn't eat for a whole week. Yes, sir, sometimes I wonder how I'd survive if anything should ever happen... [notices sock is gone and pops out in front of SpongeBob and Patrick] Give me back my sock! Everyone knows I can't eat without it!
Flying Dutchman: Ok, then... [tries to zap SpongeBob but SpongeBob holds up the sock as protection] Give it to me!
SpongeBob: No! [Sock begins to tear]
Flying Dutchman: Wait, you're stretching out the elastic!
Patrick: It would seem we have reached an impasse.
Flying Dutchman: Pink one is right. Tell you what. You give me back the sock, and I'll give you...three wishes.
Patrick: Make it five.
Flying Dutchman: Four.
Patrick: Three. Take it or leave it.
Flying Dutchman: Ok...uhh, three. You get three wishes.
SpongeBob: Wow! Three wishes, Pat. Isn't that great?
Patrick: Wishes? I wish we had known that earlier! [clock goes backwards one minute]
Flying Dutchman: Okay, you got two wishes left. [Patrick smiles with embarrassment at an angry SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Well, we still have two more. How exciting! I wish Squidward were here to see this! [falls through a hole in the Fly Of Despair and crashes onto his bed]
Squidward: Boy, I'm glad all that's over! [re-appears on the ship]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Squidward! You're back!
SpongeBob: Guess what? The Dutchman gave us three wishes! Patrick used the first one, and I guess I just used the second one.
Squidward: Well, then, the last one you owe me because you got me back into this mess!
Patrick: Wait! I think it belongs to me! [everyone starts to argue]
Flying Dutchman: That's enough! Using my mystic other-worldly powers, I shall decide who gets the last wish. [uses the eeny- meenie-minie-mo method] Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, catch a sailor by the toe, if he hollers, let him go, my mother told me to pick the very best one and... [original airing had kids choose which ending they wanted. SpongeBob won]
Flying Dutchman:[finishing eenie-meenie-minie-mo] You are it! [stops on SpongeBob]
Squidward: Now, think, SpongeBob! We're about to get eaten. What can you wish for to make it so we don't get eaten?
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squidward. I've got it all figured out. He won't be able to eat us because...I wish the Dutchman was a vegetarian! [Flying Dutchman turns into a vegetarian and SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward re-appear in front of SpongeBob's house but you can only see their heads]
SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward: Hooray!
SpongeBob: We're home!
Patrick: You did it, SpongeBob. We're saved!
Squidward: But why have we been turned into fruits? [their bodies have been turned into fruits and they are in a blender]
Flying Dutchman: Hey, I get a wish too. Fruit prevents scurvy! [SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward bounce away in the blender] Hey, get back here with that! [Flying Dutchman chases them around the ship, which is now a hippie-themed volkswagen with a main mast. Patchy reappears]
Patchy: Ahoy, children! I'm back! I hope all you boys and girls enjoyed the show because it's time for you to walk the plank! [Screen reads: PLEASE STAND BY] Oh, sorry, kids. What I meant to say because it's time for fan mail! [blows horn]
Old-time crowd: Hooray!
Patchy: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, so get ready to blow milk out of your nose because we're gonna open a letter! The envelope please Potty. Thank you, my fine feathered assistant.
Potty:[Potty has a lighten fuse on his head] Brawk, you're not welcome.
Patchy:[Patchy blows his nose] Hey, Potty, do you smell something? Oh, Potty! That fuse in your head! I told you we're not doing that stunt!
Potty: Brawk, I didn't get the memo! Brawk! [Potty blows up along with Patchy; Patchy coughs up a feather and recovers from the blast]
Patchy: Well, that's it for Patchy's Pick. Hooray! [Potty collapses to the floor]